Fight or Flight: Holtzmann's Backstory
by DARWIN51
Summary: A certain ghost they encounter looks hauntingly familiar for Holtzmann. The only way for Patty and Erin to make sense of it is if Abby spills about Holtzy's past. Before hearing the story, Erin takes on a protective role, but after everyone knows, Holtzmann pushes her away. Why does Holtzy refuse to contact her loving, caring family for over a decade? Pre-Holtzbert. Mention of rape
1. The Day After

Erin dropped her head into her hands as Holtzmann slammed something in passive-aggression for the nth time this morning. This time it was a screwdriver being slammed onto the worktable. A metal screw _clinked_ to the table as Holtzmann softly muttered a curse word. Or, at least Erin assumed it was a curse word. With Holtzmann, it could've been anything.

Patty seemed to have the same idea. "Hey, Holtzy, is there a problem?" She sounded kinda fed up, just like Erin was.

Holtzmann looked up at her with an expression that would've read as alarm if her eyes hadn't been slightly narrowed. She quickly shook her head no and looked back down at her work.

Patty started to sit up straight from the chair she was reclined in, reading the newspaper. "You been slamming things all morning, and last night too. We just saved New York City. Like, yesterday. And you mad about it?"

Holtzmann gave her the same look as before, but her eyes were wide this time. "No." She said simply, lowering her amber goggles over her face, realizing her eyes might be giving away something.

"Then what's that all about?"

Holtzmann looked back down and began twisting the screw back into place. "Hadn't noticed." She shrugged.

"It has to do with last night, doesn't it?" Abby asked as if she already knew the answer. "During the battle, when the rest of us were immobilized and you weren't? That one ghost?"

Holtzmann went stiff, turning to Abby to shoot her a glare for bringing this up in front of the others.

Abby didn't get the hint. "She's mad at herself for freezing up."

"Is that what all this is?" Erin asked. "You're mad at _yourself?_ "

Holtzmann glanced from side to side, as if looking for an escape route to dart out of if things took one more wrong turn.

"Holtzy, it's okay, no one got hurt. You did fine. You were our best fighter out there." Erin assured her.

"Except for when I froze." She muttered. "You could've been hurt. What would I do, if that happened?" Holtzmann was really glad none of them seemed to pick up on the emotion seeping through her words, and her voice only wavered a little. She bit her lip.

"It doesn't matter, nothing did happen. We got out of it just fine." Patty said.

"Yeah but what if you didn't?!"

"Hey. Holtzy." Abby tried to calm her down, knowing very well her friend's triggers. She walked over to put a hand on Holtzmann's shoulder, intending to maybe whisper a word or two to her so the others couldn't hear, to keep her in check.

The second Abby's hand touched Holtzmann's shoulder, she pivoted and walked quickly out of the room, leaving Abby's hand to fall.

The door just off the hall slammed shut.

After a silence, Erin gave Abby a questioning look. "Is there something going on here?"

Abby shook her head at the ground. "Let's just say Holtzy has a very strong fight-or-flight instinct. And her answer is always flight."

"Really?" Erin asked. "The woman who just designed a whole slew of nuclear paranormal combat weapons and participated in a massive battle in the streets of New York? And you're telling me her answer is always "flight"?"

"These past few weeks have been pretty out of character. Any kind of fight involving living humans and I guarantee you she'll run off somewhere and play dead as if it's a joke, or act like it's not happening. I've witnessed this I can vouch for this."

"I thought it had to do with what happened last night. When the rest of us were immobilized, and she was the only one free, and Ronan started talking to her." Erin said.

"It does. It does have to do with that." Abby sighed. "But it's not about Ronan, really. It's about the shape he took on for a few minutes there. That ghost. I think it was someone Holtzy knew."

"Did you ask her who it was?" Patty asked.

"No. I think I know who it is. I mean, I didn't know the person, but I know… who he was to her."

"Are you gonna keep being cryptic or are you gonna actually give us some background here?" Patty asked.

"I don't know if she would want me to say. It is a long story."

"So what does she want from us?" Patty asked, standing up to get a coke from the fridge.

"Nothing." Abby said.

"Okay, how do we get her to stop slamming things?"

"I don't know, ask her?" Abby got defensive.

"Let me rephrase for Patty," Erin said calmly. "How do we get her to stop blaming herself?"

"Oh. Well, I don't have an answer for you."

"Should I go talk to her? I've been told I'm… okay… at that sort of thing."

"You can try, I'm not going to stop you. But she's just going to push you away. It's not you or anything, it's just who she is. And I know for a fact that what she's thinking about is nothing you could ever relate to."

"Oh. Are you sure?"

"Like I said, it has to do with that man. The one the ghost looked like."

"Well," Erin started, almost jokingly sad, "there's probably a lot of things involving men that I can't relate to."

"Pfft. I can. I've seen em all." Patty offered, standing up.

Abby looked suddenly uncomfortable. "…I doubt it. Look, how about I talk to you guys about this later, after I've talked to Holtzmann."

"Okay. So… you don't want me to go in there right now? "

"You can try, but I really gotta work out this formula. And I think I'm close. Once I have this figured out, we can alter the flow of electricity through the proton packs and can make an energy beam that is resistant to the electromagnetism that naturally surrounds cats."

She got blanks stares.

"When we shoot the beam, if it hits a cat on accident, it won't hurt the cat. Holtzmann's idea."

"Sounds important." Erin nodded slowly, walking past Abby cautiously.

"It is!" Abby defended. "The next time you hit a cat with the proton packs without this upgrade, you'll feel so sorry!" She called after Erin as she walked down the narrow hall off the kitchen.

Erin knocked lightly on the door she saw Holtzmann go into. It was designed as a storage closet or food pantry, but they had never put anything in there.

Holtzmann opened the door about a foot almost instantly, already saying, "What's the password?" When she saw Erin she changed direction. "Oh. It's you. You can come in for free." She remained in the doorway though, blocking the entrance.

Erin was completely thrown off and didn't know what to say. Holtzmann noticed this and gave just enough of a creepy smile to throw Erin off again, before she stepped back and opened the door wider, beckoning Erin in.

"I thought this room was empty." Erin found her voice again and stepped inside, looking around the very much not empty room. One bookshelf in the corner was overflowing with cheap paperback copies of college textbooks. There was no lightbulb in the ceiling where one should be, just a hollow socket. The light source was a dim desk lamp that cast an orange glow over the room. Holtzmann caught her eyeing a large, disorganized scatter of papers on a makeshift desk.

"I'm writing a book." Holtzmann explained.

"Oh, that's so nice."

"I'm kidding. They're restraining orders."

"Oh. Um…"

Holtzmann couldn't believe she was still being taken seriously, and her expression reflected it. "I'm kidding again."

"Oh."

"Blueprints."

Erin looked hesitantly between the papers and Holtzmann, who was staring at her.

"I'm serious."

"Oh."

"Is it because they're not blue?" Holtzmann said in the tone of a racist joke.

"No, I can't- Are you being serious or not? I can't tell."

"Good." Holtzmann gave her that creepy yet charming smile again and kept her eyes locked on Erin's as she walked past her over to the desk. She picked up a thick stack of papers that were bound together. She flipped open a page and sure enough, blueprints.

"That's… a lot of blueprints." Erin said. She almost said "robbing a bank?" but though better of it, somewhat afraid that's actually what Holtzmann was planning. "Where'd you get them?"

"Fire department."

"They… gave you blueprints?"

"Gave… went missing… " Holtzmann shrugged but her eyes showed nothing but playfulness. Joy that someone was actually interested in what she was doing; and the fact that she got to mess with Erin at the same time was like a field day."

"You _stole_ files from the fire department?" Erin whispered urgently.

Holtzmann grinned even wider, then swiped at Erin's shoulder playfully. "Relax. They only use computers now. These are just photocopies. They're obsolete."

Curiosity took over and Erin stepped around behind the desk, right next to Holtzmann, to look at the blueprints. "Why do you need these?" She did take Holtzmann as the hoarder type.

"Same reason as the fire department. When we get called somewhere, I wanna know what we're up against. I wanna familiarize myself with the top most common layouts of houses and apartment buildings. Any large establishment along the ley lines, I wanna know how to get through there. A minor advantage, but an advantage nonetheless."

Erin almost forgot what she was really there for. Again, Holtzmann's smile threw her off and made her forget that this woman was actively blaming herself for something out of her control, and now she was making Erin forget it entirely, which is probably what Holtzmann was trying to do.

"That's actually really smart." Erin said, then cleared her throat. "Are you okay?"

Holtzmann looked around then back to Erin and grinned wide, resting her chin on her fist. "Peachy." She winked at her.

"Um, because we noticed you were kind of slamming things back there and you seemed pretty frustrated-"

"Holtzy sorry." She kept the grin.

"We're worried that you're blaming yourself. For last night."

Holtzmann's smile faltered for a split second, but she looked like she had been expecting it. She reached up to tap Erin on the nose. "None of your concern, daarling." She dragged out. "Hakuna Matata."

Erin wasn't buying it so easily. "So you've accepted that you freezing up and all, wasn't your fault? You did nothing wrong? You understand that?"

Holtzmann took a bold step right up to Erin, their toes and noses practically touching. She wasn't smiling anymore. For a rare few seconds, she allowed Erin to search her eyes, without glasses or goggles protecting her. Finally, she repeated just above a whisper, "I said don't worry about it." She glanced down for a second, her eyelashes falling almost to her cheeks, looked back up, then took one step back and turned around, refusing to face Erin.

Erin blinked, a little bit stunned for a second. She most certainly had not been expecting that. Something about what just happened made Holtzmann seem more… human somehow.

Holtzmann was still turned the other way. Erin nudged a stack of papers towards herself and flipped it open. "So… blueprints, huh?" She tried to read the writing on it. "Jeez. I know physics is complicated, but this is like a whole other language."

"Geometric Tolerancing." Holtzmann said, then turned towards Erin but only looked down at the blueprints.

"What?"

Holtzmann circled some symbols on the page with her finger. "That's the blueprint language. Geometric Tolerancing." She turned around again and pulled a book off a shelf, then set it down in front of Erin on the table.

"American Society of Mechanical Engineers Geometric Dimensioning and Tolerancing (GD&T) to English." Erin read the cover. "Shit. It really is a language."

Holtzmann nodded absently, lost in thought staring at the blueprints.

"So like, can you read this? Without the dictionary?" Erin tried to make conversation, hoping to bring the conversation back around to why Holtzmann was still upset about last night.

"Sort of."

"Well, there goes my plans of trying to learn Mechanical Engineering." Erin laughed. "I didn't know it was that complicated."

"You can still learn."

"I think we've got a pretty solid team as we are. A Physicist, an Electrical Engineer, and a Mechanical Engineer. And Patty makes a pretty good PR. We've got the bases covered for this line of work, huh?"

"I'm a Nuclear Engineer." Holtzmann said, finally making eye contact again.

"…You are? Seriously?"

Holtzmann nodded.

"Wow. That sounds…exponentially more complicated. How do you know Mechanical then? Oh, you minored in it, right?"

"No. I taught myself."

"With what?"

"…Books. Some class auditing. I maxed out on the number of credit hours you're allowed to take each semester, otherwise I would have gone for a minor."

"So you have a doctorate in Nuclear Engineering? I thought that was a pretty new field. For a doctorate's, I mean. When did you get your degree?"

"Three years ago."

" _Three_ years ago?"

"Two and-a-half."

"Wait. You only graduated three years ago?"

Holtzmann stepped back, looking offended for a second, then scared.

"I guess that's a pretty long degree, huh?"

Holtzmann relaxed, letting out a small inaudible breath. "Yep."

"So what kind of books did you-"

"I gotta, you know… stuff." Holtzmann pointed to the door, picking back up that same goofy personality Erin had grown used to. She made a hand motion which Erin took as tightening a bolt. She pushed past Erin in the narrow space and towards the door.

"Wait! Can I… look through these? It's a really good idea, knowing where-"

"All yours." Holtzmann disappeared.

Holtzmann stood in the hall and pressed her back to the wall, letting out a breath. She was kinda pissed that her brain decided now to freak out like that, just when she was actually getting to spend time with Erin. Probably for the best though, she thought, those questions weren't leading anywhere good.

She walked back out into the main area and resumed her spot behind her worktables. Abby was behind another work table, poking through a box of spare wires.

"Patty went downstairs to pick up our lunches. The wait time for delivery was two hours." Abby explained, barely looking up.

Holtzmann nodded to herself, which turned into a beat in her head and she started nodding to her imaginary beat. She tapped her fingers along her equipment.

"Hey, Holtzy, I was thinking of telling Patty and Erin."

Holtzmann meant to ask what she was telling them about, but forgot to say the words out loud as she got into a little dance, replacing the screws that had fallen out earlier.

"So that's okay with you? I'm gonna tell them about, like, where you were before this and stuff."

Holtzmann stopped dancing. "You mean college." She concluded.

"No… no I meant, you know, where you were, who that guy was, the ghost. That is who that ghost was, right? The man you killed?"

Holtzmann's eyes fluttered closed and she cringed. She meant to say something along the lines of, "why did you bring that up?" but she wasn't sure how many of those words actually made it out of her mouth.

"He was a bad guy, right?! You told me he was the epitome of everything wrong with the world, the beginning and end of all evil. You said that."

"He is! …Was."

"They why do you still look sick when I say that you killed him? You should be proud."

Holtzmann muttered, "Well that just tells me you've never killed a man." She swallowed hard, then addressed Abby again. "I am glad he's dead. So very glad. But I was not expecting to see him last night."

"Well, I mean he is a ghost."

Holtzmann picked her head up and looked straight at Abby, suddenly dead serious. "How did he know? How did Ronan know who he was to me? How in the world could he possibly have known that? Do you see why I'm so thrown off by all this? Think about it."

Abby dropped her shoulders and gave Holtzmann a sympathetic look, speaking gently. "Look, that's exactly why I need to tell Patty and Erin about him. About you, so they can know about him. Maybe one of them has an answer or an idea."

"Unlikely." Holtzmann said matter-of-factly.

"Hey the ratio of won tons to soup was too high again Abby, so I fed some of them to Mike Hat." Patty announced, walking in the doorway. She began to pull containers out of the paper bag and set them on the work counters. "Holtzy I don't know what you wanted so I just got you what I got." Patty set a paper container on Holtzmann's work table in front of her.

Holtzmann made a disapproving O face and pointed her screwdriver at the container, shaking her head.

"You can't say no, y'all don't even know what it is yet!" Patty cried.

"That Recharger there has about 2,000 millirems of radioactivity. You don't want food near that."

Patty quickly swiped up the container and stepped back. "I don't even wanna know how many 2,000 whatevers is."

"Millirems. That's about two-fifths of your yearly radioactivity dose right there. It's not exactly exposed. But I wouldn't put food near it. Or important body parts. At least not the ones you plan on keeping past age fifty-seven."

Patty froze and frowned at Holtzmann. "That is scary specific. You truly concern me."

Holtzmann grinned wide.

"Stop it. That's creepy."

Holtzmann was clearly overjoyed that she was eliciting this reaction out of Patty. She saw Erin coming out of the pantry and instantly feared she was going to ask more questions. She started shoving some tools and parts she was working on into a small box.

"Ladies." Holtzmann mimed tipping her hat. She straightened her glasses and said, "Gonna finish this at home."

"Why?" Patty asked.

"I don't think my apartment has gotten enough radiation exposure lately. It's good for the structure of the building. In small doses. Just don't massage it into your carpets." She couldn't help but break into a grin with the last line.

"You've gotta be kidding." Patty said.

"She is." Abby called.

"Am I?" Holtzmann winked at Patty. On her way out, Holtzmann snagged the folded paper box of Chinese food Patty had bought and stuffed it in her overalls as if they were a pocket ."I forgot to DVR _Tom and Jerry_."

"Who the hell DVRs _Tom and Jerry_?" Patty asked Erin as she walked in.

"I gotta feed my cats." Holtzmann was having way too much fun with this.

"You have cats?"

"Just the ones in the alley." She winked directly at Erin this time as if it were a dirty joke.

"Okay I cannot tell when she's joking." Patty said to Erin.

"Me either."

Holtzmann had reached the stairway by this point. She turned around and said, "Gotta blast." with a cocky grin and a two-fingered salute. She disappeared down the stairs.

Patty shook her head. "Abby, can you translate any of that?"

"After three years of working with her… no. Any luck?" She asked Erin.

"You were right." Erin sighed. "She wouldn't talk about last night. Kept changing the subject. Are you sure it had to do with that ghost?"

"I'm positive. Alright, look, I gotta tell you guys something about Holtzmann. Where she was before this. And it's not as simple as a few sentences. I'll tell you guys at dinner tonight, if Holtzy's not there. She doesn't really wanna be around when I say it."


	2. The Story

"This." Abby declared, pointing to the small tub of won-tons in her left hand. "This is the perfect amount. Benny finally got it right."

"Those are from the China King on 54th. I had to run over that way to get our subs." Patty said.

"…Dammit Benny." Abby set the container down.

"You eat a lot of Chinese food, you know that?"

"The family in the downstairs of our duplex growing up was Chinese. So many years of smelling wonderful Chinese food and rarely getting to taste it… I am an adult and I am living the dream." She stated firmly.

"You do you, girl." Patty shrugged and slid her sub out of the paper sleeve. "I lived in a duplex, too. Except we shared our house with some college kids."

"Oh, that reminds me-" Abby started.

"You were going to say something about Holtzmann?" Erin said, sitting down at the booth with them.

"Yes, I was getting to that. Can you guys just.-" She stopped and looked around the room slowly, then sighed. "Look, it's not an easy story to tell by any standards. And I'm not really telling the "story", because she never told me any "story." It's purely… a gathering of facts and observations I've made from working with her for three years and one deep conversation on the rooftop of the Newman building on campus during the Orionids Meteor Shower at a professors' party that may have involved a little bit of alcohol."

"A little?" Patty asked, skeptical.

"Actually, yes, just a little. We wanted to see the shower, after all, and remember it. Holtzy's actually quite the lightweight drinker, if you would believe it." Abby said with a light laugh.

Erin was probably the most concerned about Holtzmann right now. She waited for Abby to get back on subject.

"So… from what she's told me… she was "more or less" kidnapped when she was fifteen, her senior year of high school."

"Senior year at fifteen?" Patty asked.

"What do you mean, "more or less"?" Erin said.

Abby decided to answer Patty first. "She wasn't kidding about her IQ. She really does have genius-level intelligence. But most people don't take her seriously because she jokes so much. But she never graduated high school, technically."

"What?"

"Jillian Holtzmann graduated high school." Abby emphasized.

"I don't get it." Patty shook her head.

"She's not really "Jillian Holtzmann."" Erin concluded.

"Correct. I don't know her real name. I know the name Holtzmann came from an old friend. Jillian could be her real first name. I don't really know; she never told me. Anyway, she never outright said the word "kidnapped", she kind of danced around it, twisting her words to make it sound like it was her fault that she was in the wrong place at the wrong time."

Erin's eyes softened.

Abby sighed again, hating the next part. "Basically, she was… bought and sold for the better part of eleven years. On the human trafficking market." She took in both Erin and Patty's expressions. "Apparently it's more common than you think. Holtzy said she encountered easily thousands of others with basically the same story as her, most of them Americans."

" _Eleven years?"_ Erin whispered weakly.

"Yes. She exchanged hands of sleazy rich scumbags, with one main guy who must've been in charge somehow because "he kept popping up all the time". And some of the time she was, I guess homeless, kind of lived on the streets I think, but she said she was never really free because this guy would always come back and find her when he needed her, or when she tried to go to the authorities."

"Hold up." Patty said. "Why are people buying other people? What do they need them for, like slavery?"

Erin cringed and accidentally let out an audible whimper, because she already knew the answer and didn't want to hear it out loud.

"Sex slavery." Abby said quietly. "I think, for the most part." She took a sip of her drink as if the words themselves were dirty.

Patty was quiet for a long time as she processed this. Finally, she said, "And she got out?"

Abby nodded. "I guess this guy, whoever he was, was driving her and another girl to an… an auction or something. And Holtzy got her hands free and somehow grabbed the guy's gun, and shot him in the head, while he was doing seventy on the freeway. She was twenty-six. …The car crashed, of course. The other girl died. Holtzy was… pretty fucked up I guess. Pardon my language. I think the lingering thing was her eyes though. A head injury left them with increased sensitivity to light. That's why she wears those glasses. There's a program designed to help people like her, coming out of the human trafficking ring, and I guess they tried to intervene while she was in the hospital, they gave her a new identity and everything so the kidnappers wouldn't find her again. I guess she sorta refused their help for a while, but she came back when they said they could get her a partial scholarship. And she turned it into a doctorate in three years."

Erin was clearly affected by the whole story. Patty was still trying to get over the fact that people still bought and sold people like property in the twenty-first century.

"You can't tell anyone about the high school thing, though. If the right person finds out, they could take her degree away. But basically, you've probably seen how she acts sort of physical, even jokingly sexual around literally everyone. That's what she's used to and if she can play it off as a joke, it makes her feel comfortable I guess."

"So the ghost we saw the other night, that was the man she shot?"

"Oh, yes."

"Alright. Alright I can see why that would give someone pause." Patty said. "Not that anyone was blaming her for freezing up in the first place."

"Except herself. She's still blaming herself. I didn't fix that, remember?" Erin reminded solemnly.

"I think we're gonna have to do an intervention." Abby said. She'd always wanted to say that line, but not in this context.


	3. Chapter 3

"Three six nine, divide by cosine, the monkey knew cotangent but he didn't know the sine, divine cloak, your momma is a goat, and they all went to heaven in a… " Holtzmann hummed to herself as she walked in with her box from yesterday and hung up her coat. She paused, forgetting the lyrics, then started over. "Three six nine, Holtzy can't rhyme…" She paused when she saw the other three sitting at the table but kept humming, not caring that they heard her.

"Hey Holtzy," Abby called. "Come over here a minute."

"Is it more important that the radioactive decay of the isotopes in this mystery cocktail of radioactivity I mixed yesterday?" She gave a wicked, playful grin, holding up a bottle with a clear liquid tainted silvery purple. "This is literal cancer in a bottle." She said as if it were a bragging right. To her, it probably was.

"I think I woulda been safer standing on the third rail down at the metro." Patty muttered to herself.

"The half life of that is easily longer than all of our lifespans combined. Times twelve." Abby pointed out. "It's not going anywhere."

"Unless I drop it." She grinned. "This baby can make a crater the size of Zambia."

"You've gotta be kidding me." Patty said.

"You're right, I would have to mix it with at least one other common household chemical. I hope none of you are wearing perfume. Or hairspray. Probably no Mentos, either. Just to be on the safe side."

Abby sighed. "Come over here, Holtzy. We gotta talk."

Holtzmann sauntered over, still jamming to an imaginary beat in her head. Abby got up so she could slide into the booth. Holtzy's expression changed the second she saw the other girls' faces. Her face flushed cold and she instantly knew what this was about. Call it paranoid instinct.

She tried to bolt, but Abby had blocked her in.

"Holtzy, I told them about you. About where you've been over the years. About that guy, the ghost."

Holtzmann muttered in a panicked, rushed tone, almost to herself, "Yeah I know why do you think I'm trying to run away." She made another attempt to climb over Abby this time, but Abby put a hand on her arm and settled her back into place.

After giving Holtzy a minute to breathe, and showing her she could leave if she really really wanted to, Abby finally said, "We're gonna try and figure out this thing with Rowan together. We've got the whole team in on it now."

Holtzmann looked around at the two newest people who now knew basically her life story. Her eyes stopped painfully on Erin. The last person she wanted to find out. Erin wasn't supposed to know this stuff. No one was, really. Holtzmann wanted to cry.

She looked at Abby with the best hurt, betrayed look she could muster. It bounced right off her.

"Hey. I think you're pretty strong. That's a lot to overcome." Erin said.

Holtzmann felt sick.

"Listen," Abby said. "We all agreed that that ghost is a scary dude, and given the history and who he is, nobody blames you for freezing up. I would've been terrified."

"I probably would've been too shaken to finish the battle at all." Erin said.

"I'da needed a new change of underpants, that's for sure." Patty said.

"So are you really still blaming yourself for something all of us would've done? Because then you gotta blame us, too." Abby said.

"No. I don't blame myself. Can I go now?"

Patty had gone off thinking in her own little world, and she concluded out loud, which made no chronological sense to anyone else, "I wish I could've seen the reunion with your parents, though. If those military surprise visit videos get me as much as they do, I can't imagine what being gone for eleven years must've been like." Patty said.

"Seventeen." Holtzmann said to the table, refusing to make eye contact. "And counting."

"What?" Erin asked.

"She hasn't contacted her family." Abby explained.

"Are you serious? So, what, they think you're still missing?"

Holtzmann shrugged. "Dead, probably."

Erin could not wrap her head around this. "...Why? Was there some sort of fight? Were they abusive?" She tried to think of a possible reason to excuse letting your family think you're dead.

"No. They were great. Loving and caring and accepting of whoever I wanted to be."

"And you haven't even told them that you're okay?!" Patty said. "Not even just for closure? You're just letting them wonder if their child died a horrible death or-"

"Patty." Erin stopped her.

Holtzmann winced as if she were going to be hit.

"Look, it sounds like you really loved them, Holtzy. So I'm sure there's a reason you haven't contacted them." Erin looked at Patty.

"There is." Abby said, waiting for it.

"There is." Holtzmann said. She threw out her list of answers quickly, "I'm not the same person, I don't want them to know where I've been, I don't want them to know what happened, I want to keep that childhood innocence away from this life…" She looked around to see if that was enough answers for everyone.

Abby gave her a look, knowing she had left out the big one.

"You don't think they'll love you the same? Holtzy, you shouldn't be scared to go back to them because of what they'll think of you. I promise you, for them, they'll be glad you're anything but dead." Erin said. "Nobody's the same person they were when they were younger."

"That's not what I meant."

Patty caught on.

"They don't know me as "Jillian Holtzmann". The first name was given to me six years ago. I picked the last name. It was an inside joke between me and a… a longtime friend. Very close. That's why I prefer Holtzmann over Jillian. The name I was given at birth… still on the missing persons list."

She saw Erin about to protest or ask another question and she cut her off before she could start. "Even if I do go back to them… I know my parents. My mother, if she found out where I was, would not be quiet about it. She'd call for movements to be made to rescue people like me, she'd call for increased awareness and she'd use me as the poster child. And you know who else wants me and knows me by my birth name? The Ring. Not only did I kill one of their top directors and escape, I'm also a huge risk. You don't spend eleven years running through a system without learning a bit about who's in charge, and their operations. Where they are, where they frequently migrate to, schedules, how they obtain children, who they are, and how to find them. They think I'm at risk of telling the police everything I know and trying to expose them. I'm wanted. I think they're looking for me. By my birth name. Because they think that if I take everything I know to the police, it's game over for them." Her voice suddenly broke, "They don't know that I'd never do that, though. Even if it meant saving thousands of people… I'm too much of a…" She had her elbows on the table now and was holding her head, her hands shaking and her fingers curling and uncurling. "I couldn't do it."

That was the most Erin had ever heard Holtzmann speak. Ever. And the fact that it was personal stuff, raw emotions she chose to share with her because she trusted the three of them… To Erin, who had begun to look forward to hearing anything Holtzmann had to say, to her this conversation meant everything.

Erin gently put a hand on Holtzmann's elbow. To her surprise, Holtzmann pulled away sharply.

"I miss my family, you think I don't miss my family?" She said, her head still in her hands. "Of course I wanna see them. You think I haven't thought through every possible work-around?"

Patty was still trying to figure out what Holtzy had meant by "the ring", and she was picturing a creepy girl from a horror movie before the phrase, _human trafficking ring_ made its way to the front of her mind.

Holtzmann pulled her hands away from her head and sat up straight, quickly wiping any tears that may have been about to fall, and blinking the rest away. "It doesn't hurt if you don't think about it." She informed them, before trying to push past Abby until Abby finally got up and let her out. She walked straight to her little closet and shut the door. The sliding click of a lock echoed down the hall. Apparently she had installed a lock.

After an awkward silence, Abby started, "Are you guys-"

Erin got up and took off without a word. She had some new research to do now.


	4. The Closet

Erin tapped lightly on the storage room door, which was more like a pantry, but Holtzmann had made her own little nest out of it. The door was already slightly ajar and fell open even more at Erin's touch.

"Hmm?" Holtzmann grunted carelessly, sounding distracted.

Erin pushed the door open and stepped in. "It's me."

Holtzmann glanced up at her for half a second before looking back down at what she was doing.

"I wanted to look over some of those blueprints again. I have some ideas-" She nudged the door closed behind her.

Holtzmann absently shoved a stack of the blueprint photocopies across the desk towards Erin, already too invested in the papers she was lining up and making small marks on in pencil, which she kept between her teeth when she wasn't using it. There was another pencil stuck behind her ear but Erin decided not to point that out.

Erin moved a few textbooks off a stool and onto the floor, pulling up the stool for herself.

Holtzmann glanced up at her again. "You can take those with you."

"Actually I wanted to look over them in here. Maybe share some ideas. I've been thinking-"

"I barely have this worked out in my own head, let alone enough to share out loud." Holtzmann tapped the papers in front of her. "But that's not what you're here for." She stated, looking back down and continuing to write.

Erin wasn't surprised that Holtzmann had caught on that quickly, though she wasn't expecting her to address it out loud. "Well, you seem kind of… alone. And lost. And I wanted you to know that you don't have to be. Abby and I, we don't leave anyone behind. You're with us now."

Holtzmann continued making marks on the paper, though her grip on the pencil was tighter now. "This is exactly why I didn't want Abby to say anything." She said quietly.

"…Wait, you didn't want Abby to tell us those things? Your story?"

"Absolutely not."

Erin was shocked. "But… Abby wouldn't do something like that. If you told her not to tell, she wouldn't tell. And she certainly wouldn't tell without asking."

"She assumed it was a yes. When she asked I was about to say no, but Patty walked in and I never got to answer. I guess Abby took that as a yes. Not her fault, really."

"Oh god…" Erin said. "I really thought you were okay with it. I'm so sorry. But …this is okay, right? What harm does it do if Patty and I know now?"

"Plenty."

Erin felt truly awful. "How so? Do you think we think less of you now? Do you think we look at you differently? Because we don't think of you any differently than we did yesterday."

"It's not that."

"Then what's wrong? Are you afraid we're gonna tell someone?"

"No." Holtzmann swallowed. "It just makes it that much harder to separate that life from this one." She was staring down at the paper still but not writing or moving.

Erin took a deep breath. She was not expecting to hear that. All she could think to say was, "I'm sorry, Holtzy."

Holtzmann tilted her head straight down at the desk, so Erin couldn't see her as well. Erin watched her for a few seconds, wondering if she was going to say something or if she was just going to be impartial about it like most other things.

So Erin was surprised when she heard the soft _tick_ of a teardrop hitting loose paper. Holtzmann didn't even try to hide it. She didn't wipe her face or wipe up the drop. She just stayed as if it hadn't happened.

Erin's heart broke. "Holtzy…" She wished she could pull her into a hug but was afraid of any physical triggers Holtzmann might likely have.

Holtzmann lifted her head to Erin, her eyes red and tear streaks down her cheeks. "I didn't want you to know." She said hoarsely. "Not you. You're different. And now you've pictured me…" She didn't want to be blunt but she couldn't form any other words right now. "…being raped. Repeatedly. Naked and weak and beaten. I didn't want you to know that I've ever been like that. Now go ahead, be that person who tries to deny to my face that you've had those thoughts. Say it to me. It'll just be that much easier to keep pushing you away."

She was really challenging her. Erin stayed quiet for a minute, looking into Holtzmann's eyes which were ringed with redness. It was like staring back at an inanimate object. Her eyes were dead. "I did picture that." Erin said. "It's nearly psychologically impossible to not picture something someone tells you to. It's the pink elephant over the statue of liberty type of effect. It's a scientific fact. We both know that I had no choice but to picture what was being described to me yesterday but the only thoughts that led me to were ones of the kinds of unspeakable things I'd love to do to each and every person that ever hurt you." She did get Holtzmann's eyes to soften a bit.

"That's a lot of people." Holtzmann said quietly.

"…I know." Erin said, sounding defeated. She tentatively opened her arms for a hug, and Holtzmann regarded her gesture with skepticism. "You don't have to." Erin dropped her arms at her sides. "You just looked like you needed a hug."

Holtzmann wished she could've been given this opportunity on any other day but now. "Rain check?" She suggested.

Erin relaxed her arms at her sides and nodded. "Any time you need."

Well, an offer like that from a person like Erin actually did make Holtzy feel a little better. She looked at Erin, wishing she would come closer and yet wishing she would stay away at the same time.

"How about this:" Erin said. "You come over to my house later, we'll order dinner, and go over the blueprints and talk about my idea for the blueprints and talk science because I know that's where you're comfortable. Science, right? That way when you think of me, you're not thinking of all this here today. We'll make some new memories."

"…J- just us?"

"Yes. I wanna hear your theories about what you're writing there. I probably know a bit more about engineering than you think. Just a bit. We can take a look at those drawings under some better light."

Holtzmann sucked in a breath. "Thanks for the offer, but…"

Erin's face dropped slightly.

"…but I'm not really a fan of bright lights."

"Oh, right. Abby mentioned that. I can find some alternate lighting for tonight. So, was that a yes then?"

"…Sure." Holtzy wanted to keep her guessing but she was bad at that. She was just thrilled that Erin actually wanted to spend time with her. No one ever wanted that from Holtzy.

"What?" Erin said.

"What?" Holtzy repeated.

"You're smiling."

"I've been known to do that."

"I know," Erin laughed, "but that one was different. What were you thinking about?"

Holtzmann decided to try honesty instead of jokes. "How different it is to finally have someone who wants to hear your theories. Abby listened to my theories, but she never asked for them. I've just never been that person anyone wants to hear from."

"Hey, I was one of those too, you know. I know what it's like to… to not be wanted by anyone." She thought back to her school days before Abby came along. And even after that, just one friend didn't always do it for her.

"Trust me, being wanted isn't always great, either." Holtzmann said softly, dropping her smile and staring to the left of Erin's shoes.

"Hm?" Erin said.

"I don't know what it's like to be wanted for my thoughts, or personality. But I'm plenty used to… to being wanted for my body, or the price I'll fetch at an auction. I've been wanted plenty. I can even give you the exact dollar amount that I'm worth." Holtzmann herself couldn't believe she was admitting this to Erin. But it felt right somehow.

Erin thought she had gotten the wind knocked out of her. She couldn't imagine what that must do to a person, to be told the price your life is worth, not a dollar more. She wanted to correct that quickly. "Holtzy, you're priceless. Whatever you've heard in the past doesn't mean anything."

"If I say the same to you, would you just forget all the bullying you endured throughout your childhood?" Holtzmann's snap reply was almost instantaneous. "That's it? You would be fixed?"

Erin had been about to say something but was caught off guard by that answer, and she closed her mouth quickly.

"I know about your PTSD." Holtzmann was glad to wield the upper hand now.

"I was never diagnosed."

"You didn't have to be."

"It's gone away." Erin defended.

"It still happened. That's a mental disorder. A chemical imbalance." She unintentionally sounded superior.

"Don't tell me you don't have any of that." Erin wasn't sure how their conversation got borderline cold in a split second. It probably started with her telling Holtzy to dismiss her past, which was admittedly a pretty insensitive thing to say.

"The doctors preferred the word "Dissociation" for me." Holtzy said.

"That's a PTSD subtype." Erin pointed out.

"Very good."

"You can't possibly still have that. I mean, you know this is the real world, right? You believe you exist?"

"I do. But it tends to slip itself back into my mind the second something gets remotely stressful. Know how I kept slamming things yesterday? A nice loud noise every once in a while reminds me of where I am." Holtzy said, then she added matter-of-factly, "I'm going to stop talking now because the more you're around me the more you seem to learn things about me I don't want you to know."

"I want to learn what you want to tell me." Erin said.

"How about my blueprint theories?"

"I would like nothing more."

"Later, right? At your house? Not now?"

"Later. How about five?"

"I have some cancer in a bottle to tend to." Holtzy affectionately referred to her "radioactive cocktail"

"Oh. Um, okay." Erin said as Holtzmann pushed past her to the door as if she suddenly had someplace to be.

As she moved briskly out the door, Holtzmann grabbed the doorframe and pulled herself back to add, "I'm thinking of trademarking that, "cancer in a bottle", what do you think?" She grinned.

Erin looked at her with uncertainty. "I…think… you're joking?"

Holtzy's smile grew wider, then the winked and disappeared from the doorway once more.

Erin realized her house was a complete mess, and she had just invited someone over. She didn't think she was going to get the motivation to actually clean much of it, though. She did know one thing for sure, though. If this thing with Holtzmann went well, she was going to buy herself a dimmer switch.

~/~


	5. Erin's House pt 1

_"I will find you, and I will kill you."_

Erin fumbled around her small townhouse for her remote, deciding to change the channel before Holtzmann got here. She remembered Holtzy's words, about how "the kidnappers" are still looking for her, that she's wanted. Erin was still completely conflicted on whether to file that under some sort of post-traumatic paranoia or if it was really true, after six years. She doubted someone was still actively looking for Holtzy after six years.

She had done some reading on human trafficking in America, and admittedly had to stop a few times and pace the apartment when she would read something particularly horrifying and Holtzy's face would pop into her mind, with that tiny playful grin and eyes that spoke volumes, which could only be read by someone who knows her.

She had so many questions about this that she knew she could never ask Holtzmann, just based on how Holtz reacted when she found out Abby had told her story.

But it fit, and that's maybe what really hurt Erin the most. Holtzy's behavior completely matched that of someone several years out of that level of abuse. Erin had only taken two psychology courses in college, to fill her gen ed and depth requirements. But it taught her enough to recognize miniscule behaviors that Holtz herself probably didn't know she was doing. The way she didn't seem to take things seriously, such as lab equipment on fire. When she and Abby stole their equipment from the institution, Abby seemed to be focused on getting their equipment away, while Holtzy just seemed to get a kick out of the fact that they were stealing things. And of course, the main one, Erin knew to be a good sign: her borderline sexual gestures to basically everyone, as if it were normal means of communication. Such as her own little made up dance that consists of many little hip thrusts, or how she thought it was totally normal to tickle Erin's stomach with no warning, or many various expressions she would give off with her eyes alone, many of them sexual. While Erin had been shy when they first met Kevin, trying to be casual around him, Holtzmann didn't even try to hide the way she held the side of her glasses to look over his body. Erin knew all these things were good, though. It was a sign of acceptance, the final stage of grief. What Erin saw was that Holtzy had decided not to let her trauma define this part of her, and is essentially owning it back. So many people in her past have taken her body and literally claimed it as their own, marring and staining this idea of not only sex but what sexual gestures are supposed to be. And, Erin assumed, to this point they were the only ones to define this for Holtzy. So Holtzy had decided to define it for herself, add her own experiences to this concept of sexuality and maybe even write over the standards they had created for her.

The light knock on the door startled Erin out of her thoughts. Thinking it was Holtzmann, she flipped the channel and jogged to the door. She pulled the door open to find her neighbor standing on the steps. A short guy in his mid-twenties, Erin had long ago determined that he likely had some form of Aspergers. He also had a major crush on Erin, and always needed to "borrow" something from her.

She tried not to sigh too loud in frustration. "What's up, Michael?"

"Here." He held out a box of seran wrap. "You let me borrow it. I'm done with it. Thank you."

"Thank you, Michael." She accepted the roll and began to shut the door.

"Hey, um, Erin, uh I was just wondering, uh, I heard that you lost your job and I'm good at keeping people company if you get lonely. We could watch a movie, I have a lot of DVDs-"

"Thanks, but I have a new job now. And I'm seeing someone." She always threw in that last part so he wouldn't get his hopes up. It never worked.

"Oh. That was fast. Wait, is it that Ghostbusting thing? 'Cause I saw your picture in the newspaper. Is that what you consider a job?"

Someone on foot carrying a backpack rounded the corner and began walking towards Erin's side of the street.

"Yes, it's my job."

"How do you get paid?"

Erin had no doubt from the moment the person rounded the corner that it was Holtzmann. Somehow she knew. Holtzy was looking down at her phone, likely for the address. She walked across the parking lot stopped at the curb, sizing up the building.

"We get paid by customer."

"Doesn't that seem like more of a game than a job? Running around fighting monsters?"

"It's not a game."

"Can I join then? I'm pretty good at fighting monsters."

Erin sighed, frustrated.

"I can do that. Just aim and shoot, right? I can do that."

"No, it's not "aim and shoot", we're scientists."

"Well… I mean how much science is involved in aiming and shooting?"

Holtzmann stood at the bottom of the steps. "Really the only things you need to know are how to operate a handheld plasma thrower which generates a beam of positively charged ions which will weaken the ectoplasmic bonds surrounding a being of spectral energy. Depending on its class, you may need to fine-tune the plasma beam halo using the embedded quadrupoles. I would assume in "aiming and shooting" you also need to reload, yes? In that case you should know how to charge the flow of your MSPS, that's your miniaturized superconducting proton synchrotron, which you gotta keep in line with your liquid helium-cooled magnets. And you _gotta_ know that, because that's what accelerates the protons from the ionization chamber, and if you mess that up, you could end up leaking americium-25 into the streets of New York. Then you got a _lotta_ cleanup to do, baby." Holtzmann chimed in from the bottom of the steps, throwing Erin a wink with her last sentence.

Michael tried to process this. "Oh… um… who- who is this?" He turned to Erin.

Holtzy held out a hand for Michael to shake, and introduced herself as, "Her best dream and worst nightmare. Also the official Rabbi for Joe's Crab Shack."

Michael ignored Holtzmann's hand and turned to Erin. "Is this who you meant when you said you're seeing someone?"

Holtzmann's eyes widened comically.

"No, no." Erin said quickly. "I'm not-" She froze.

Holtzy raised one eyebrow.

"This is my co-worker and good friend."

"And rabbi." Holtz added.

"And we really have some work to do. Sorry, Michael. Thanks for the seran wrap." Erin tried to get him to leave, since he was blocking the steps from Holtzmann.

"Okay, Erin. Nice talking to you. I might need to borrow something later-"

"I'm sure you will." Erin said, then was afraid she came off too rude. "I'll see you again, Michael. Take care, okay? It's starting to get cold out. I wish we could stay and chat but we really have some work we need to get done."

"O-kay." Michael said implicitly. He backed down the steps and gave a nod to Holtzy. "Nice to meet you."

"Mazel tov." She replied, then headed up the stairs.

"Uh, if you could just leave your shoes right there by the door." Erin said, closing the front door behind Holtzy, blocking out the cold air.

Holtz raised her eyebrows at Erin's extensive and quite unorganized gathering of shoes next to the door. She took her yellow glasses off and tucked them into her jacket pocket.

Erin noticed Holtz had traded her usual boots for a pair of black and white converse sneakers. "Did you walk here?"

"My RV can't make that turn at the corner there. Too narrow. Had to leave it parked at the Home Depot."

"…Seriously?"

"No, I took the bus."

Erin mentally slapped herself. She shouldn't still be falling for Holtzy's semantics. Yet there was something deeply entertaining about just playing along and letting Holtzy just run on with her little game. "You walked here from the bus stop?"

Holtzy ignored her pointed to the seran wrap still in Erin's hand. "I can think of eighteen good uses for that using only what you have in this house. Twelve of which will conduct electricity."

If Abby or Patty had said that, Erin wouldn't have cared. "Really? Give me an example."

"Shrink-wrap with a hair dryer." Holtzy said instantly.

"Done that. Name another."

"…Do you have a cat?" Holtz couldn't help but break into a small laugh at the end of that, unable to even take herself seriously.

Erin broke into a grin and laughed as well.

Holtzmann set down her backpack, and only once it hit the floor did Erin realize how heavy it must be.

"What's in there?"

"…Blueprints?" Holtz said like it was obvious.

"Right. Why don't you get those out on the coffee table, I'll grab my laptop and pencils. I'm assuming you have spare paper for whatever it is that you need?" She waited on an answer but didn't get one.

Holtzy seemed to be looking around the small townhouse for the first time, really taking in the layout. She pointed at the staircase which led to the upper floor. "Who's up there?"

"…No one… no one's up there, Holtzy, why? Did you see something?" Erin was kind of freaked out by Holtzy's word choice. Anyone else would've said "what's up there" but Holtzmann seemed to automatically assume there was a person upstairs.

"No. Just wondering." Holtzmann said. "…Can I look?"

Erin sat confused for a moment as to why Holtzmann needed to know what's on the second floor, but then it made sense to Erin. "I haven't cleaned up there but you're welcome to take a look. Just don't judge my lack of organization." She said with a small laugh.

Holtzy rose to her feet, not taking her eyes off the stairs. Erin watched her approach the stairs and hesitate at the bottom, craning her neck to see before she started up. Erin was reminded of a cat seeing an object for the first time. Though, Holtzy looked slightly more confident than a cat, like she might not jump eight feet in the air if startled.

Erin watched Holtz disappear up the stairs. She heard her closet door being opened, then shut. Same with the bathroom door. Finally, Holtzy came back down.

Again, Holtzmann seemed to be a special exception to all the rules Erin had mentally set for herself and others. If it were anyone else asking to poke around Erin's house, she would question the fuck out of them. But given Holtzy's history, Erin could only imagine what kind of things must've given her this paranoia, and what kind of stress she might be putting on Holtzy if she said no.

Holtz came back down the stairs. Erin thought she might be slightly apologetic about the disruption, but once again Holtzy seemed to lack the appropriate emotional or social response someone might have in this situation.

"So I'm thinking," Holtz jumped right in, spreading out her blueprints and maps on the coffee table and getting down on her knees. "The ley lines fall on various types of structures, of course. You have business, education, healthcare, one or two family dwellings, multifamily dwellings, office buildings, basically all single use and multi use structures you can think of. I mean, it's New York."

Erin followed Holtzy's eyes which were enthusiastically scanning the page of drawings she had.

"But, here's where we've had reported ghost activity so far. Of course they're scattered but tend to center around the ley lines." Holtzmann pointed to various penciled stars on the map. "Now here's the ones reported in the past." She laid out a piece of transparent sheet with sharpie marks on it over the map until it lined up. "Now it's focused on the ley lines even stronger, right?"

"Okay, but we knew this already." Erin was getting into it too.

"Exactly. But what we never found any other sort of pattern, because we weren't looking."

"What do you mean?"

"They ley lines is just one piece of the pattern. This," She swapped the transparent sheet out for another one, with green marks on it. "is all the structures that ever reported ghost activity that are Type I construction. Here's types II, III, IV, and V." She laid out two more sheets, some of which were combined. She pulled out a roll of 3M tape from her backpack and taped down a few edges so they wouldn't slide around. "Where are the most?"

"Red and green." Erin said.

"Right. Types I and V have the most reported incidents of ghost activity."

"So it's something about the construction." Erin began to follow.

"Yes!" Holtzy was so excited that someone else got what she was trying to say. "Here's what we know: Type I is the most fire-resistant. It's basically your big businesses, skyscrapers, towers, structures over two floors, and so on. Very strong, very stable, very up to code. Type V classifies wood or stick frame buildings. Your typical one or two family dwelling, mainly single-story, and it also covers buildings under construction."

"So it could be either the building material or something about the occupancy of the building that might be a factor in higher levels of spectral energy." Erin concluded.

"Exactly!"

"And…?"

"That's all I got." Holtzmann said. "I only thought of it this morning." She paused, then grinned, waiting for Erin's feedback.

"Jeez, for one day, that's a really good start." Erin said. "You made all these maps today?"

Holtz nodded.

"More than I could've done. And you just knew all this about building construction?"

"I read a book."

"When?"

"This morning."

Erin thought for a minute. "What did you say your IQ was again? If you don't mind my asking."

"151." Holtz answered. "But the guy giving me the test told me it was actually one or two points higher but they subtracted points because I took too long filling out the preliminary questionnaire. Full name, date of birth, birthplace, last vaccine, social security number, et cetera. All information I had only known for a year prior to the test. But he told me privately the real reason was that their highest scorer, the top alum of the university and former professor and astrophysicist, had a score that would've been lower than mine overall."

"So why weren't they proud to have a new top scorer?"

"Because he's a dude." She said. "They said if I wanted to challenge the score, they'd need to redo the test multiple times to "ensure an accurate score" and I can't sit still through all that again. I'll take a 151, the number doesn't do me any good anyway. Besides, it's not a measure of intelligence. It's a measure of the brain's capacity."

"I know." Erin said. "I'm a mere 135." She joked, because 135 is still technically "gifted". "Alright, I have a follow-up question. Were you always like that? Genius-level. I mean, I know Abby said you were in your senior year of high school at 15."

"Yes." Holtzmann said. "I skipped third, seventh, and tenth grade. My brother also skipped third. My parents were really smart, too. The ability to retain and process information is probably genetic."

"Were they scientists?"

Holtzy cringed and shifted just a little bit, like this was not where she wanted the conversation to be headed, but she answered anyway. "My dad was a math teacher at a high school for troubled kids. My mom was always between jobs; she never got to go to college. But she was really smart. Is, I mean. They're still alive, somewhere. It's hard to believe it, but they are. My mom and I planned to go to the same university and study together. I'd be the youngest and she'd be the oldest. That was still in the plans, last I checked. That would've been spectacular."

Erin thought this over. Holtzy looked like she needed a hug, but she also looked like she really didn't want one, so Erin stayed away, painful as it was. "Well I'm sure there's a way for you to like, check up on your parents, just to see how they are. Have you ever tried googling them?"

Holtzmann lifted her head. "All the time. I keep tabs on them. Basically as often as I can for the past sixteen years."

"Really? Like, all of sixteen years?" Erin asked, her voice slowing down as she didn't want to assume or imply things about those years for Holtzy.

"Yes." Holtzmann looked at her as if it were obvious. "I still had occasional internet access, you know."

"…Oh. I kind of assumed…" She had assumed that if Holtzy had anything close to even a telephone that she would have immediately dialed 911.

Holtzmann cast her glance towards the floor and picked at a piece of the carpet. "It's not my fault. It's not like I didn't want to get help. They said… they'd kill my family if I ever tried to contact anyone or escape. I was skeptical until they listed off my exact address and all this personal information about my family I don't know how they got it. I was nearly twenty miles from home when I… more or less got in the car with them. There's no way they could've known my address based on where they found me. And if I didn't comply with everything they wanted me to do… they'd send these videos of me to my family. I always tried to look them up to make sure they hadn't been killed."

Erin watched her friend's dead stare at the ground. "Oh my god, H-"

"Can we not talk about this anymore? I'm done talking about this." Holtzy said decisively. "Whenever I'm around you I always say more than I mean to."

"Oh. Well we don't have to talk about anything if you don't want to. I was gonna order some dinner. What do you want?"

"Where are you getting from?"

"Where do you want from?"

"…I'm flexible."

"Anything?"

"Well…"

"What?"

"Not Chinese."

"Oh my god. Agreed."


	6. Erin's House pt 2

"Okay… I think ordering out would have been the way to go." Erin said, defeated, as she picked an extremely charred and blackened piece of toast out of her toaster slot with two wooden spoons. The BLT's were only good in theory.

"… You think?" Holtzmann said kind of nasally, crinkling her nose from the living room. Her glasses were back on, protecting her from the visible haze that had filled the townhouse.

Erin walked back in from the kitchen. "I gotta let this air out. Do you mind if I open some windows?"

Holtzmann gave her a wide-eyed look that questioned if Erin was considering _not_ opening the windows. "Do. For the sake of anything breathing in this building."

"Alright," Erin sighed, letting her arms fall to her sides with a slap. "There's a really nice kosher hot dog cart about three blocks over?"

"Yass."

Erin propped open all the screen windows and locked the door behind her when they left.

"The sun is setting. It's not too bright out, I think you can take off those glasses if you wanted to." Erin suggested.

Holtzmann turned to look at her suddenly. "What makes you say that?"

"Because I think you look nice without them-"

"No, about the brightness. Who told you that?"

Erin felt like she was being interrogated. "A… Abby did. Is that okay? Did I say something wrong?"

"Did she… did she tell you why?"

"She said it was a car accident. A head injury."

"She didn't tell you why… why the car crashed?" Holtz lowered her voice.

"She said you were… you got free. You shot the driver."

"Nevermind." Holtz sounded relieved.

"Why, is there more than just that?"

"No. You don't need to know." She glanced up at the light filtering through the trees.

Erin of course left out the part where Abby said the other girl in the car had died. She wasn't sure if that's what Holtzmann was referring to.

"Jillian!" Someone shouted.

Both girls' heads snapped in the direction of the voice. The name sounded so unnatural to Erin.

"Jillian, hey! Is that you?"

Erin looked at Holtzy, saw the color drain from her face and fear in her eyes.

The man who was talking jogged towards them.

Instinctively, Erin stepped in front of Holtz, pushing her back. The man slowed up as he saw this. "Don't come any closer and don't you dare touch her. What do you want?" Erin's voice was edged with a steel she didn't know she had.

"Whoa, I, I was just saying hello… um,"

"Doc!" Holtz greeted warmly, stepping around Erin. "Long time no smell!"

"Jillian. You haven't changed a bit. Same Jillian, same… questionable, but interesting fashion and word choices. What've you been up to? I haven't seen you in years."

Erin frowned.

"Oh, you know… like three years. Really not… not that long."

"Was that you in the paper with the whole ghostbusting article? Nevermind, I know it was you. You're unmistakable. How did you get yourself into that?"

"Nuclear engineering. She's a ghostbuster too." Holtz said, almost proudly. "A physicist. And we're dating."

"Very nice. I knew you'd find someone, Holtz." The man gently slapped Holtzy's upper arm.

Erin was officially more confused than ever.

"Listen, I'm running a little late so I've gotta get going. It was good to see you again finally." The man said. "I always knew you'd do something special. Catching ghosts certainly is… special."

"Ah. Thank you." Holtzmann genuinely took that as a compliment.

"I hope I'll see you around again, alright?"

"Yeah, yeah."

"Do you come here often?"

The corner of Holtzy's mouth turned up as she glanced towards Erin out of the corner of her eye. "Not really."

"Til our paths cross again, then." He said comically, pretending to tip his hat at her, then at Erin.

"Ditto." Holtzmann said.

The man looked at Erin. "You take care of her, okay? That's a prize you got there." He winked at her and turned and walked away.

Erin watched him leave then turned back to Holtzmann. "Who was that?"

"An eccentric professor."

"That's it?"

"Well, I'm sure he has a life too, but I don't think he has any other jobs. I doubt he leads a double life, or is some kind of undercover agent of some sort, but I guess if I had to pick one I wouldn't rule out dissociative identity disorder."

"No, I mean who is he to you?"

"Oh. My old professor."

"…Then why did you look so terrified when he called your name?"

"It wasn't him. It was the name. I don't like people recognizing me in public. Conversation is not my strong point."

"Okay, I have a better question. Why do you keep telling people that we're dating?"

Holtzmann grinned without looking at Erin, as if she knew something Erin didn't.

"You do know we're not dating, right?"

"I know."

Erin was surprisingly disappointed by the confidence in Holtzy's answer. "Why do you say it then?"

Holtzmann shrugged and tried to suppress a small grin. After a few seconds of feeling superior, she finally turned to Erin and looked her in the eyes with the same grin. "That's why." She said with a slight eyebrow raise.

"What's why?"

"That."

"What?"

"Because I like making you blush." Holtz said with a wink. "Just like that."

Erin subconsciously touched her cheek as if she could feel the blush. "I…" but Holtzmann had already started walking again. She ran to catch up. "Holtzy, wait!"

"What." Holtzmann stopped quickly and pivoted to Erin, her eyes on the ground.

"I thought we were walking together. Wait up."

"Oh." Holtzy gave her a small smile and Erin had no idea what it meant. Knowing Holtzmann though, it was probably intended just to confuse her and for no other purpose whatsoever. "I wish I had a mirror." Holtz mused as they continued walking.

"What for?"

"To show you how adorkable you are when you're blushing." Holtzmann wiggled her finger in Erin's face as if she were talking to a small child.

Erin reached up and grabbed Holtzy's wrist mid-air. She focused on her finger. "Do that again, and I'll bite your finger off." The corner of her mouth turned in a smile.

Holtzmann quickly yanked her hand away at the threat.

They started walking again, and just when Erin thought she had the upper hand, Holtz said, "You're doing it again."

"Doing what?"

"Blushing."

The only thing keeping Erin from playing more into the joking mood was something she had felt on Holtzmann's wrist. Something smooth and slightly raised. Of course, her first thought was scar, and since it was on her wrist Erin's second though naturally was self harm. She was startled and thrown off, and had been looking at Holtzmann slightly differently for the past minute before she realized that the scar had been on the top of her wrist, and to the side. Who self-harms on the top of their wrist? And now that she thought about it, it wasn't a straight line, either. It was more like a small area in a slightly linear direction. She looked down at Holtzy's side to try and see it again, but her watch had slid back into place, effectively covering what Erin had felt.

"Hot dogs." Holtzmann said, pointing straight ahead.

Erin looked up. "Yeah. That's the place." She saw Holtzy reach into her pocket, but Erin quickly put her hand on her arm and said, "This one's on me."

The girls carried their dinners back to Erin's house, eating them on the way because Holtzmann insisted that there was to be no food near the blueprints, as they were far too precious.

"Smells better." Holtzy observed, stepping into the townhouse.

Erin quickly went around and closed all the windows before it got too cold. When she walked back into the living room Holtzmann had already started writing down equations on paper next to the blueprints. Of course, being the physicist nerd that she is, she was instantly drawn to equations. "What are those?"

"Can I use your computer?" Holtz asked, too focused to answer.

"Of course." Erin handed her the laptop.

Holtzmann opened it, then pointed to the lock screen. "Hm." She said to get Erin's attention.

"Oh. Sorry." Instead of taking the laptop back, Erin reached over and typed in her password right where the laptop sat on Holtzy's lap. And yes, that did give her pause, realizing how close she was to her.

Holtzmann however was still too distracted to notice. She quickly opened up an internet search bar and typed in something about building construction and fireproofing. She was typing too fast for Erin to really make it out. She opened a link with a chart and began scribbling down notes.

"What are you thinking?"

"I had an idea about the correlation between the construction type, the type of spectral energy incidents that were reported in each location, and how old the structure is, the latter of which will tell us if the building is considered "fireproofed" which is an obsolete term, meaning the building is older, or "fire resistant" which means it's been built within the last few decades and follows an updated code."

"…So do you think there's a specific connection between the age of a building and the type of ghost that lives there?"

"Yes. Only I left the incident reports back on my desk. Shit."

"Oh."

Holtzy shrugged helplessly. "That's all I can do then."

"Oh. You're not leaving yet, are you?"

"Why?"

"Well… I thought we could stay and hang out a little." Erin had secretly made it her goal tonight to get Holtzmann to take her watch off.

"Hang out?"

"Yeah. Don't you ever do that?"

"No. What do you do?"

"We could watch a movie or something. Or see what's on TV."

Holtzmann shrugged. "Okay. What movie?"

"I have a few on my shelf over there. I don't know what kind of movie you like."

Eventually, they settled on watching whatever was on TV. Which, for these two intelligent dorks, started with the evening news.

Erin noticed that Holtzmann was still wearing her glasses. She got up and switched off the overhead light, leaving only the television, the dim lamp behind them, and the light spilling in from the kitchen. Erin sat back down on the floor next to Holtz. She had started off on the couch, but Holtz seemed to prefer sitting on the floor with her back against the couch. Erin had to admit, it was more comfortable on her back.

Sure enough, two minutes later Holtzmann subconsciously pulled the glasses down from her face by one side, leaving them hanging on one ear for a second since she was so focused on the news. She pulled them the rest of the way off and set them on the floor near the hand she was leaning on. A few fingers instinctively curled around the bridge of the glasses as if they were a comfort object.

As the anchor signed off and the ending theme to the nightly news played, Holtzmann stood up and stretched for a moment.

"Where you going?" Erin asked, afraid Holtz was going to leave now. Part of her wanted to try every tactic to get Holtz to stay as long as possible, since Erin herself hadn't really had a friend in a few years. Not the kind that casually comes over to her house anyway. But then another part of her reminded her that the majority of Holtz's adult life had consisted of being tricked and lied to and forced to stay somewhere she didn't want to be. Erin quickly turned off the idea of trying to get Holtzmann to stay longer than she wanted. It's not like she wouldn't see her at work tomorrow.

"Bathroom." Holtzmann answered, then walked towards the open door near the hallway.

As soon as the door was closed, Erin leapt forward and did something she should have done before ever handing her laptop to Holtzmann. She cleared her search history, which consisted of news articles and reports with keywords such as "human trafficking America", "human trafficking victims", and so on. Of course, the former of which was actually a tab that she had currently open. So when Holtzmann was searching about fireproofing, she could have easily looked at the top of the page and saw the title of that tab.

If she saw it, she didn't give any clue. But she had to have seen it, how could she not have? Erin closed the tab, letting out a breath, disappointed in herself for not having thought this through.

Holtzmann walked back out and resumed her seat next to Erin. "So what did you want to do?"

"I don't know. Did you have any ideas?" Erin quickly tried to think of something.

"…You're asking _me?_ " Holtz leaned over and looked at Erin's computer screen. "What's this?" She pointed to another tab at the top of the screen. A Youtube page.

The fact that that's where Holtzy's eyes went first told Erin that she had definitely seen the human trafficking search tab. She was glad Holtz hadn't said anything about it.

"Oh, just an old comedian my dad used to love. He had a bunch of his old tapes and we would watch them together. I guess I was just feeling nostalgic so I found him on Youtube."

"Who is it?"

Erin clicked over and opened the tab. "There's a lot of videos of this guy. I've only just started with this one, but I remember it."

"Can we watch a few?" Holtz asked, reaching over to Erin's lap and straightening the computer.

"Oh. Absolutely. He's really funny." Erin was so excited that Holtzy actually was interested in watching this nostalgic stuff with her. Bittersweet, as it was. She restarted the video she was already watching and muted the TV.

The girls watched the computer which sat on both of their legs until they lost track of time. Erin was doubly enjoying it because she didn't have to watch these hilarious videos alone, - especially since they brought a certain pain with them – and she got to watch Holtz subconsciously raise her curled fingers to her mouth every time she found something funny, as if to cover a smile. She found this particularly adorable because she realized she hasn't seen Holtz laugh too often. She was usually the one making others laugh and she was pretty good at not laughing at her own jokes. Although the issue of whether Holtz was joking or not was usually up for debate.

As one of the videos ended and autoplay began to load the next one, Holtzmann asked out of the blue, "Where is your dad?"

"Wh… what do you mean?" Erin cancelled autoplay, feeling an impending explanation.

"Where is he? Like, right now?"

"Oh. Well, he um… he passed away a few years ago. When I was sixteen."

Holtz turned to her quickly with urgent, pained eyes.

Erin allowed her to search her eyes for a minute, wondering what Holtz was reading from them.

"Don't… don't… be sad." Holtz almost pleaded.

Erin was completely thrown off. "I'm not. I mean, I'm okay now. It's okay, Holtzy."

Holtz looked like she was going to say something else but nothing came out.

"It's okay." Erin said again, starting up the next video.

About a minute into the video, Holtz reached over and clutched Erin's hand to comfort her, interlacing their fingers and crossing their wrists so their palms were together. Erin looked down at their hands and accepted the gesture, curling her fingers to hold Holtzy's hand tighter.

When that video ended, autoplay suggested a different comedian, so Erin had to search the first guy again. She typed one-handed, not wanting to let go.

"He's really good." Holtz said.

The television was still on mute, and by this point had faded into whatever late night programming was on Saturday nights.

Erin still held Holtzmann's hand in hers. The rough strap of her watch brushed against Erin's forearm again. It was bulky and kind of in the way. Then she remembered her goal of the night: to get Holtzy's watch off.

"What?" Holtzmann noticed her staring at their hands.

"Nothing, I'm just thinking that's a really nice watch."

"Thanks. It was very expensive."

"Where'd you get it?"

"I stole it." She took in Erin's alarmed gaze. "From a store, not a person."

Erin relaxed only the slightest bit. "I don't think I've ever seen you without it." She wasn't too great at being subtle.

"Yeah, it does a lot. Temperature, humidity, weather, barometric pressure, calculator… Well, everything but that last one I added myself. It's just a digital screen so I put in a chip that receives signals from a device at my apartment that takes all the readings. And, it tells the time of course."

"Oh wow, nice. Do you ever take it off?"

"…Pretty much no. It's waterproof up to 200 feet, not just water resistant. I sometimes take it off to sleep but I shower with it on."

Erin accidentally pictured Holtz in the shower with just her watch.

"Oh! And it lights up." Holtz excitedly pressed the button to perform one of the most basic functions of watches.

"You should take it off more oft-"

"I feel like you think it's hiding something." Holtz accused, her tone dropping an octave.

"Wh- wha-" Erin was about to deny it, but instead heard herself say, "Well, is it?"

Holtz looked slightly offended for a second, her eyes dropping. Before Erin could recant her question, Holtz fumbled with the strap and loosened the band, sliding it off over her hand.

Erin took in the now-exposed scar tissue, much larger than she had imagined. Only a small part of it was raised; the rest was slightly darkened, off-color skin that seemed to follow a linear direction. It was across the top of her wrist, darker on the sides, where there were bones. It didn't seem to end.

Erin began to reach gently to rotate Holtz's wrist so she could see how far the scar continued, but Holtz turned her own wrist quickly before Erin could touch her.

The scar continued, pretty much all the way around, about half an inch wide but it was hard to tell where it faded. The scar was darker and harsher where the vein was.

"Oh… my god, Holtzy." Erin's breath had left her lungs, mainly because all day she'd been picturing a small scar, only to be presented with this. And she still couldn't tell if it was self-inflicted or not. "What… what happened to you? Wait, you don't have to answer that. I'm sorry. That was insensitive to ask…"

Holtz waited until Erin was done with her rambling. Finally in the silence, she said, "It's from a bracelet. The kind of bracelet someone puts on you when they don't want you to go anywhere." Then Holtz slowly pushed the laptop fully onto Erin's lap so she could bring her knee up. She pulled down her colorful paw print sock to reveal a similar scar around her ankle.

"Holtzy…" Erin glanced at her other wrist to see if it had the same marking, since there was no watch covering that side. She could make out a faint line in a ring shape around Holtzmann's right wrist, a much toned-down version of her left.

Erin took a chance and reached out to hold Holtzy's forearm gently, to look closer. Holtzmann let her, but didn't seem too thrilled about the whole situation.

"Why is this side so much worse?"

Holtzmann avoided eye contact. "Back when I thought I was gonna get out someday, I always volunteered that hand to be cuffed so I would only have to worry about covering up one scar. I gave up on that. But also I pulled a cuff off one time, over my hand, to get free. It took off a lot of skin. Broke my hand." She flexed her thumb as if to make sure it still worked.

Erin slowly blew out a breath. "Jesus, H…. Holtzy wait what do you mean, you "thought you were gonna get out?"' She sounded startled and suddenly very persistent.

"I used to think I was gonna get out." She repeated simply.

"…But you _are_ out." Erin received a dead stare. "Holtzmann, _you're out._ You're not there anymore. Look around. _You're free._ Look at me. Hey- look." She tilted Holtzmann's chin towards her as her eyes began to stray. Erin wasn't quite sure what she saw in Holtz's eyes then, but as corny as it sounds, it made her want to cry.

 _Trapped,_ that's what it was. Where was all this pain a few minutes ago? Where was it when Holtz was dancing around and cracking jokes? Erin thought she had seen Holtzmann vulnerable when she dropped a tear back at the station, but that was _nothing_ compared to the depth Erin was seeing right now in Holtz's eyes.

Their faces were close, and on a completely unrelated thought, Erin wondered if Holtz's fear of real intimacy extended to a fear of kissing.

Holtzmann took in a short breath and said quickly, "You're wrong."

Erin pulled back an inch.

"You can't say I'm not "there" anymore because "there" isn't a place, it's a lifestyle." Holtzmann hadn't moved away from Erin at all but her words were cold. "You can't say I'm "free" because the real thing they held hostage wasn't my body, it's my mind." Holtzmann started to get up. She got her feet under her, then leaned back in to say, "And stop looking at me like you wanna "fix me" because I'm not broken; just a little worn down." She stood up and picked her watch up off the floor.

Erin still had her hand on Holtzy's arm. "Holtz. Holtzmann. Stop it. Sit down."

"What?"

"Are you mad at me for something?"

Holtzmann was silent.

"You're acting like I did something wrong."

"You didn't. Sorry if I got a little tired of turning everything into a joke all the time." She said sarcastically. "And now I'm tired of being serious so let's go back to-"

Erin tugged gently on Holtz's arm, but hard enough to pull her back down towards the floor. Holtzmann caught herself on the couch by one elbow, and lowered herself back into sitting on the floor.

"I didn't mean to upset you." Erin said, trying to catch Holtzy's eyes in that way again, but Holtz kept avoiding eye contact. "In no way could I ever imagine the kind of world you've lived through. So I have no right to ever judge what you might say or do when I keep pressing you with questions like I have tonight. I'm sorry, Holtz. I'm just… really interested in you and what you have to say. So maybe I asked more questions than I should have. I'm sorry."

Holtzmann looked suddenly uncomfortable. "Don't… don't…" She was looking for the word "apologize", but instead tried to mime it and ended up tapping Erin on the lips to imply for her to stop talking.

Erin gently caught Holtzy's hand midair, just like she had earlier, but this time she wrapped Holtz's smaller hand in her own, holding it close to her.

Their faces were close again, and Erin wanted to keep looking into Holtzy's unmasked eyes but her own eyes kept falling to her lips.

Holtzmann's blue eyes seemed to have lost their pain for a moment. Before Erin knew what she was doing, she reached her left hand up to Holtzmann's jaw, stroking her thumb across her cheek.

Holtzmann's eyes closed for a brief second. Erin stroked her cheek again, this time her eyes only on Holtzy's lips, inadvertently making her intentions clear. Instead of any sort of protest, Holtz's lips parted just the slightest bit looking at Erin's.

Erin gave in and slowly closed the gap between them, giving Holtz a chance to pull away if she wanted to. When she didn't pull away, Erin pushed a piece of Holtz's hair behind her ear with her thumb and finally pressed her lips gently but swiftly against Holtzmann's.

Holtz, who seemed willing just a minute ago, hesitated for a few seconds and let Erin initiate it, likely out of a fear of rejection. She wanted so badly to just kiss Erin back, but she had only kissed someone out of real love once before, and that muscle memory dragged up an impossible pain. The arousal in her stomach from Erin's lips was quickly overcome by the nausea from her memories alone. Seemingly against her own will, she found herself drifting slowly backwards away from Erin.

Finally, she had drifted far enough that Erin got the hint and pulled away.

"Sorry." They both apologized at the same exact time. The only difference was that Erin's was filled with urgency and embarrassment, while Holtzy's was filled with a hoarse pain and shame.

"Um. Sorry, I- I don't know what… " Erin stuttered. "I'm sorry. I thought we were… kind of on the same page." Erin was still quite shocked at herself, considering she had never kissed a girl before, only thought about it from afar. She would have a talk with herself later about this.

"We were." Holtzmann said, looking at the ground.

"Oh. Okay. I guess I just assumed you were…"

"Were what?"

"You know. "Batting for the other team". Or at the very least, "swinging both ways.""

"An ambidextrous lover." Holtzy quoted her friend with a small laugh. She had had plenty of both sides over the years, but had only truly loved once.

"Hah! That's funny. I like that." Erin was thankful the mood had at least lightened a little bit. "I didn't, like, hurt you at all, did I? I mean, not physically but-"

Holtzmann frowned at the ground in thought. "No. Not at all. But I mean, you gotta know that… a person can do pretty much anything to me and it wouldn't be the first time. You know? There's always an associated memory. And they're pretty much all bad."

"Even love? That's been done before? Like, someone who genuinely cares about you?" Erin said softly.

Holtzy cringed, then nodded.

"And… that's a bad memory?" Erin was impossibly thankful that her move hadn't resulted in some sort of awkward silence and hasty retreat, which likely would have signaled the end of any potential friendship between the two.

Holtz already knew she wasn't going to answer that. Not to Erin, not now. How could she possibly make Erin understand what this person meant to her? How she missed this person so much sometimes that it brought physical aches to her body? How responsible she felt for what happened? She wasn't going to get Erin to understand these things.

"Long story." Holtzmann said simply, though the pain was unmistakable.

They sat in silence for a minute, before Erin finally said, "Listen, Holtzy, I'm really sorry. I didn't mean to… come on to you like that. I tend to always jump into something like that way too soon…"

"Too soon for what?" Holtzmann asked, wondering if Erin was implying an actual relationship in their future.

"I don't know. I just jump into things. It kinda seemed like you were… flirting earlier."

"Oh. I guess I was. I mean, I don't really know. I've never really intentionally flirted with anyone." Holtzmann thought about what it would be like to be in a relationship with Erin. Would they sleep in the same bed? Would she accidentally wake Erin up in the middle of the night when she had those awful nightmares? Would Erin see all of her insecurities, like the series of locking mechanisms she had installed on her shower curtain? Holtzmann decided a relationship might not be as nice as it sounds. There were a lot of things she was totally cool with Erin _not_ knowing about her.

"…I'm sorry." Erin said again after a long thought. "I didn't mean to… complicate things. I should've just… I don' know. I shouldn't have done that."

"Why not?" Holtz asked.

Erin was surprised to hear that. "Well…" She couldn't immediately think of a good reason _not_ to kiss Holtzy. "Because… I didn't want to complicate things, like I said."

"Why does it complicate things? We're still friends, right?"

"Of course!"

"So what's the problem?"

"Holtzmann… friends don't just kiss each other. That's not how normal friendship works."

This was news to Holtzmann. "Oh."

"You know that, right? You were in high school; high schoolers know that." Erin thought that just because things had been turned upside down for Holtzy at fifteen, doesn't mean she shouldn't know a thing or two by that age. Everyone did.

Holtz frowned and pulled her head back, glaring at Erin as if this were something she should know. "I'm not quirky because I was kidnapped, I'm quirky because I was born that way, and I always have been." She decided to use the word quirky instead of what she knew some have called borderline Aspergers. "What genius doesn't have their social downfalls?" She raised a good point.

Erin had no way of explaining it, but somehow that turned her on. "Fair enough."

As if just remembering, Holtzmann turned and grabbed her watch, sliding it back over her hand.

Erin watched. "You really slid a handcuff over your hand? And broke your hand?"

"You know, I'd really rather not reveal my entire life to you in one night."

"Oh." Erin didn't see it that way, but she presumed these were pretty personal questions for Holtzy.

Just then, Holtzmann's watch lit up and started beeping, making both girls jump.

"What's that for?" Erin checked the clock, wondering what Holtz could possibly need an alarm for at 1:30 in the morning.

"Oh." Holtz stopped the watch. "That goes off when the sensor I put in the water dish is dry."

"What?"

"Cats." Holtz said proudly, flashing her teeth with a wide smile.

"You have cats?"

"They belong to the street. But they come to me."

Erin couldn't help but give a small giggle at her friend's dorkyiness. "You better get home, then." She laughed. "Do you need a ride?"

"I took the bus. Busses don't run this late. I could get a cab. I've done some hitchhiking in my days." She grinned.

"Have you really?" Erin laughed.

Holtzmann held up her thumb pad in Erin's face. "The key is to dress like a boy. You don't get rides as often, but you keep away the bears."

"Bears?" Once again, Erin was thrown off and amused at the same time at Holtz's vocabulary choices.

"There's some bad bears out there." Holtz couldn't say it with a straight face, and her laugh was reflected in her voice.

"What makes them bears?"

"You ever done math with common-type objects around you?"

"… I don't quite follow."

"I made an algorithm that determines a driver's bear type. It's a complicated set of equations, with x equaling the amount of mud on their mud flaps."

"You…" Erin said, "are the most charming weirdo I've ever met."

"That…" Holtz responded, "is one of the nicest things I've ever been called. Thank you."

Erin let their smiles and gazes linger for a moment, before saying, "So do you need a ride home? I know where your apartment is, we all went there before."

"…Ok." Holtz finally agreed. "You're not a bear, though."

"I'm glad." Erin said, grabbing her coat while Holtz packed her backpack. It was raining now. While she was turned away, Erin did what she'd been waiting to do since she kissed Holtzy: she licked her lips, wondering if they would ever do that again.

~/~

 **A/N: Maybe leave a review? I try not to ask but I haven't gotten any on this fic so far and I don't know if it's going over well. It's like reversed roles that I have 7 comments for this on AO3 and none here on fanfic.**


	7. What are the chances?

"Okay, who the hell left this bowl full of molasses in the sink, half rinsed?" Abby called out in annoyance as she lifted a ceramic bowl out of the sink basin, pinching it between two fingers and holding it at arm's length.

She looked across the room at Erin, who was sitting in a booth with today's newspaper, which featured reader-submitted images of ghosts on the cover with the headline, "Ghosts: Real or Fake?" Erin shook her head.

"Wasn't me." Patty said from the couch, without even having to be asked.

Abby turned to Holtzmann, who stood behind the lab counter covered in gear and gadgets. Holtzmann, holding a screwdriver between her teeth, raised her hand straight up, not even trying to deny guilt. After setting something into place and taking the screwdriver from her mouth, she said, "Not molasses. Points for creativity."

Abby turned the bowl back to herself so she could look at the black goo dripping out of it. "Then what _is_ it?"

"You're probably better off not knowing."

Abby dropped the bowl back into the sink quickly.

Kevin walked in from the other room, where he had been (supposedly) taking phone calls. "Hey, guys." He greeted with a smile. He walked past Abby and the sink basin. "Ooh, molasses." He dipped a finger in and raised it to his mouth.

"No no!" Abby and Erin shouted, lunging for him.

Holtzmann cringed and gave a small "ewh" as if it were already too late.

"That's not molasses." Erin said.

"Oh. Okay." Kevin shrugged and wiped his finger off on the curtain, which unfortunately hung right next to the towel rack.

Erin cringed again, knowing she was probably going to be the one who had to wash it.

"You were gonna just eat molasses?" Abby questioned in a near whisper.

Kevin nodded. "I heard it's great for koalas."

Abby and Erin shared a weird glance.

"Did-" Erin started, but was interrupted by Holtzmann starting a power drill.

Once the drill sound died down, Erin began again, "Did anyone c-"

Holtzmann started the drill again, completely unaware.

Erin gave up and shouted over her, "Did anyone call?"

"Yes, um, one person said he's coming here to be interviewed for a job." Kevin said, pleased with himself for remembering.

"A job _here?_ " Erin asked.

"Yep."

"We're not hiring." Abby said.

"You never said that."

"When is he coming?"

"Today."

"Today?!"

"…Yes."

"When did he call?"

"Last week."

"Why didn't you tell us!"

"You asked who called! You didn't ask who called _today_." Kevin got a little defensive.

Erin looked at Abby and sighed. "We'll just have to turn him away at the door. We have no more room for anyone on the team."

Abby agreed. "What time is he coming here?"

"Oh, he's here."

" _What?_ "

"He's waiting in the lobby."

"Alright…" Abby said, turning to Erin. "You wanna be the one to reject him or you want me to do it?"

"Oh… you know… you can do it." Erin shied away.

Abby walked around the corner to the lobby and Erin tip-toed behind her, wanting a peek at the guy.

Abby opened the sliding doors and addressed the sandy-haired young man sitting there, pouring over a folder of papers. "Excuse me, sir, we-"

His eyes lit up when he saw them standing there. "It's really you guys! For real! Wow."

"We're not hiring. Sorry."

"Hiring? Last I checked this isn't even an official business."

"Fine. We're not accepting new members of the team."

"I'm not here to try and join the team or anything."

"Then what do you want?" Abby folded her arms.

"Hi." Erin peeked her head over Abby's shoulder and waved.

He gave her a friendly wave back. "I'm an engineer. I saw some of the equipment you guys were carrying on television but I never saw them being used, or what they do, so I've been making some schematics of my own, there's not a lot of people who believe in ghosts, you know."

Abby looked at Erin knowingly. "Yeah, we know."

"Well, I do, and I've been designing ghost-catching equipment since I was a teenager. And now there's finally people who believe me. I came all the way from the West coast. Please. Can I at least get to see your lab?"

Erin gave Abby a look, reminding her of how it feels to have no one believe you in school.

Abby looked him up and down, and finally sighed and said, "Talk to Holtzmann. She's our engineer." She motioned for the man to stand up. "First things first. What's your name? I'm assuming Kevin didn't bother to try and take down your name or any other information."

"Um, no, he didn't. I did find that odd. I'm Spencer Andrews, Doctor of Mechanical Engineering from Colombia University."

"How old are you, Spencer?" Erin asked, of course out of personal interest.

"Thirty. I've been doing odd jobs back in Washington for almost ten years."

"You work for the government?" Abby whispered.

Spencer laughed. "No, Washington the state."

"Oh. Well come on back, Holtzmann will give you a tour of her lab. Probably." Abby led him to the main area and over to Holtzmann's many lab tables which were actually kitchen counters.

"I would suggest not touching anything." Erin told him. "Or else we might have to stick you under the decontamination shower!" She tried to make it a joke, giving a wide smile and leaning to the side.

Spencer was too distracted by the table of gadgets in front of him.

"Holtzy, this is Spencer. He's an engineer and he wanted a look around the lab." Abby said.

Holtzmann spread her arms over as much equipment as she could. "Copyright pending."

Spencer gave a light laugh. "I'm not going to steal your ideas. Actually, I was hoping we could compare notes and you could critique my sketches."

Holtzmann made a hand motion, waving him to give her his notebook.

He handed it over, holding his breath as she flipped through a few pages.

After a long minute, she closed the cover. "Buster, you have my attention."

He let out a relieved laugh, "Thank you so much. And it's Spencer. Spencer Andrews. Not Buster."

Holtzmann suddenly seemed to have second thoughts. "Where do you hail from?"

"Columbia University."

Her eyes flickered to Erin. "Oh. So you're from that area."

"Well, no, originally I'm from Seattle."

Holtzmann took in a stiff breath. "We're not hiring." She thrust the notebook quickly back at him.

"What… Can you at least show me around your lab?"

She gestured vaguely to everything surrounding her. "It's not much. That's all we got."

"B- I really think I can help out."

Holtzmann gestured to the door with a pipe wrench.

"Hey, Holtzmann, can we talk for a minute?" Abby asked. "Group meeting?"

"I'm in." Patty got up off the couch.

"You can wait over there, Spencer." Erin said, gesturing to the booth she had been in earlier.

The girls circled around Holtzmann's worktable. "I think we should hire him." Abby said.

"As a Ghostbuster?" Patty asked, skeptical.

"No, as another engineer. Look, Holtzy, you're doing great on your own but what if you had someone who didn't ask "Da hell is that?" whenever you asked for a tool while constructing the equipment? Someone to bounce ideas off of? Someone to repair the gear so you can take a damn break every once in a while? Your doctorate is in Nuclear Engineering. He's got a degree in Mechanical Engineering. You don't even have a high school diploma."

"I read three Mechanical Engineering and two Physics textbooks in one week. Then an Electrical Engineering book. Then Astrophysics. Then Interpretive Dance… I don't need any help. I know mechanical engineering just fine."

"Wait, I thought this was really going somewhere with you two." Erin said.

"No." Holtzy said.

"I thought you were impressed with his drawings."

"Nope."

"He moved all the way from Seattle to see us."

"No. No. No."

"When I was handin' you your tools the other day you said you wished you had "more intelligent" help." Patty said.

"I asked for a compact wrench and you handed me a Snickers bar."

"And you are so welcome for that."

"Alright, alright…" Abby tried to regain some control. "Holtzmann, it's up to you but I really just wanna make sure. I don't know if we're gonna get an opportunity like this again soon. You _really_ don't want extra help in your lab? Even just for repairs?"

"Help? Sure. Him? No."

"Why not?"

"What's wrong with him?"

"He's kinda cute." Erin craned her neck back in his direction then at the ground and twisted a piece of her hair around her finger, pretending she hadn't said that.

Holtzmann propped her palms up on the edge of the table in front of her, and looked around, making sure Spencer was out of earshot. She gave a long sigh, ending with a mumbled "He's my brother."

"What?" Erin said.

"Like your biological brother?" Abby asked cautiously.

Holtzmann nodded, nonchalantly picking up a gadget and pretending to inspect it.

Patty put her hand over the gadget and lowered it to the table. "Are you serious? For real right now? How do you know? I thought you said it's been like-"

Holtzy cut Patty off before she could do the math. "He told us his first and last name and where he's from. There can't be that many of them who look like me."

"You guys do look alike…" Erin said, biting her lip about what she said a minute ago about Spencer being cute.

"Holy shit…" Abby said. "Are you absolutely certain? I mean, what are the chances?"

"What are the chances?" Holtzmann repeated. "Two people who both happen to have a natural-born knack for mechanical engineering with genius-level intelligence in their genes along with an insatiable interest in the paranormal and a desire to pursue it by inventing equipment, just so happen to end up in the same place after one of them has recently been on national television displaying a new and promising practical application of this very particular skill set and interest, and when the other one intentionally crosses the country to find them. What are the chances?"

"She has a point…" Erin whispered. "Also I think that's the most words I've ever heard her speak that didn't involve any complicated physics terms." Erin left out any mention of their recent night together.

Patty nodded, but Abby ignored her. "And he just so happens to want to apply mechanical engineering to paranormal studies?"

Holtzmann tapped her finger on the table and tapped her foot on the ground, annoyed that they weren't getting it. "It also may stem from many ghost movie marathons and a long series of ghost hunting expeditions in his childhood led by a sister he probably thinks is dead."

"Well… hm. I understand where you're coming from, Holtzy." Abby put a hand on Holtzmann's shoulder without looking at her. Though it seemed as if she were the most against Holtzmann's point right now, Erin and Patty did seem to forget that these two had worked side by side for years, and that there had to be some level of unspoken trust between them. "Let's talk to him once more, all of us, and just make sure he is who you think he is. Before we rule him out. Because if not, we're throwing away a really good opportunity."

Holtzmann looked like she really didn't want to do that, but nodded in agreement anyway.

"Alright." Abby said gently, before stepping back. They followed her over to the booth Spencer sat at. The four of them sat around him in the half-circle, with Holtzmann directly across from him on one end.

"What's going on? Am I in? Or is this a rejection?"

"We need to know a little bit more about you first." Holtzmann took over, looking at him curiously, gently.

"Sure."

"Where are you from again?"

"Seattle, Washington. Though, I got my degree at Columbia University."

"What's your education before that?"

"You mean like high school?"

Holtzmann nodded.

"Um, my high school was called Pine Ridge, it's in the suburbs of Seattle. It's nothing special, really, not really known for anything. I graduated Valedictorian." He gave a confused frown.

"What about… family? You left your parents and siblings to come here?"

"Well, just my parents, actually. I don't have any siblings."

"I see. An only child."

"…More or less."

"What do you mean by that?"

"It's… kinda personal look what's the point of these questions again?" He looked around at the other girls.

"Just to get to know you better." Abby said.

"Oh. Okay. Well, what else do you wanna know?"

"What made you first interested in the paranormal?" Erin pitched in, also trying to give leading questions.

Holtzmann pointed to her in agreement.

"Um, a childhood friend, actually. We used to go on ghost hunts in the woods behind our- behind my house."

"Our? This friend lived with you?" Holtzmann asked.

"Alright, I had a sister but she died a long time ago I don't see why this really matters?"

"She died?" Holtzmann raised her eyebrows, completely inappropriate for the question.

"I'm so sorry." Erin quickly tried to cover up Holtzy's behavior.

"May I ask what happened?" Holtzmann pressed on.

"Well, she actually went missing, but it was so long ago I'm positive she's dead by now, probably has been for a very long time. My father still thinks she's out there but I think he just wants that hope to hold on to."

"Your father?" Holtzmann asked. "What about your mother? What does she think?"

"Well, she used to take my father's side, but she has a type of brain cancer now and hasn't really 'been with it' for a while."

"She… wh-at?" Holtzmann said weakly, almost a whisper, suddenly losing the confidence of her previous questions.

"As soon as she passes, my father's gonna move out here with me. It would mean a lot to him if I already had a secure job by the time he gets here."

"She doesn't have long… left does she?" Holtzmann concluded softly.

"My mother? I mean, maybe a few months."

Holtzmann stared off to the side out the window.

"Look, how about we get back to you on this?" Patty suggested to Spencer.

"Um, okay. I genuinely hope nothing about my personal life has affected your decision."

"It hasn't." Erin assured him, standing up and signaling everyone else to vacate the booth as well. She and Abby showed him to the door.

When they returned, they found Holtzmann standing behind her work table, leaning on it, staring at the gear in front of her.

"I'm assuming that's him." Abby said.

"You alright?" Erin asked, walking over to her.

Holtzmann nodded stiffly.

"I take it you didn't know about your mom." Erin stood next to her and tried to decide if putting a hand on her shoulder would help or not.

"What does it matter?" Holtzmann shrugged. "I chose to stay away from them. Why should I have a right to care about what goes on with them? I gave that right up."

"No, you didn't. They're still your family, Holtzy." Erin decided to go with the hand-on-the-shoulder. It went well.

"It's not my right. _I gave that up._ "

Patty walked over decisively. "Are you for real right now beating yourself up for being upset that your mother is _dying?_ "

"I'm not upset."

"Why the hell not? You didn't give up any "rights" by getting kidnapped!"

Holtzmann flinched at Patty's yelling. "No, by avoiding them for the past six years."

"Alright, you know what guys? Just leave her alone, okay?" Erin said. "Can we admit that this is a lot to deal with in one day?"

Abby and Patty nodded, taking a few steps back and returning to what they had been doing before Spencer showed up.

Erin also took a step back to give Holtzmann some space. Her hand slid off her shoulder.

Holtzmann propped her elbows on her worktable and dropped her head into her palms, running her hands through her hair and closing them into fists.

Erin watched her painfully for a minute, before giving up and stepping in. "Listen, Holtzy, It's perfectly okay to be sad about this whole thing, alright? It's a lot of pressure that you really don't deserve, but you don't have to hide it from us."

Holtzmann sucked in a frustrated breath through her teeth, then straightened up and took her hands out of her hair. "You're not getting it. Look, I know I'm just as bad as a single quark who's never even known a proton, attempting to grasp the concept of infinity-"

"What?" Patty said. "Use English."

Erin shook her head quickly. "It's physics. I get you, Holtzy. You're suddenly having to master complex social skills on a large scale when you haven't even figured out how to be social on the most basic level. Go on."

Holtzmann's eyes lit up just hearing that Erin actually understood her. She continued, "I'm not sad. Or upset. I'm…" She made the fist motion at her hair again.

"Stressed?"

"Yes! Stressed. Very. Because if I don't… reveal myself to my proton before my mother dies, I never can. They'll be mad at me for not coming forward when I had the chance to let my mother know that her quark- her daughter – is alive. Just… so she can die knowing it's – she's - …I'm safe." She turned her head away from everyone.

"…So you're saying it's now or never, basically?" Erin asked.

"Pretty much." Holtzmann said in an uncharacteristically hoarse voice.

"Hey. C'mere." Erin put her hand on Holtzy's shoulder to turn her around for a hug, hoping that Holtzy wasn't afraid of her touch or anything like that.

Holtzmann of course turned around and gladly accepted the hug, especially because it was Erin.

"Nothing's going to change between today and tomorrow." Erin said, her chin on Holtzmann's shoulder. "So how about we push this aside for now and all of us curl up with a movie or something?"

Holtzmann thought about this for a minute. She was going to ask what movie, but then she decided she was just going to grab a movie she wanted and play it without anyone else's consent. "Okay." She agreed. She could very easily stuff her worries to the back of her mind. She was used to doing that. "I need something from my office first." She lowered her glasses at Erin, and when Erin didn't get the hint, Holtz looked around and made sure Abby and Patty weren't looking, then she gave Erin a head nod in the direction of her office, indicating for her to follow.

Holtzmann retreated to her office and left the door open the tiniest crack behind her. Easily navigating her way through the dark, she pulled the chain on the dim desk lamp.

Erin pushed the door open and walked inside, closing the door behind her. "What's up?"

In under a second, Holtzmann had pushed Erin up against the back of the door and pressed her lips to hers, one hand pinning Erin's wrist to the door.

Erin sighed silently into the kiss, relieved that her move the other night hadn't been some crazy awkward one-sided mistake. Maybe they could be a crazy awkward two-sided mistake. She liked the sound of that.

Holtzmann wasn't exactly gentle about it either. When she pulled back quickly, Erin tried to search her frantic blue eyes.

"Stressed?" Erin guessed again.

"So much." Holtz said, kind of out of breath.

Erin wanted to make a joke but this was a side of Holtz she hadn't seen before, and she didn't seem in the joking mood. She was aggressively passionate and focused and intense in a way that made Erin kind of hot and bothered.

"Are you alright?" Erin asked.

She roughly grabbed Erin's shoulders. "Do I look alright? Do you know who that was out there?" She pointed at the wall.

"Your brother?"

"Spencer. _My_ Spencer. My little baby Spencer was right on the other side of _that wall_."

"Um. That's actually the bathroom on the other side of that-"

"Do you know how long it's been since I've had a brother?"

"I don't think that's how siblings work-"

"Whose side are you on!?"

"Yours! I didn't know there were sides!"

"…There aren't. I just thought of the first dramatic thing to say, because I can't make my own words right now because I don't know how to fucking deal with this." Holtzmann whispered the last part as if admitting to something. Then she cracked a small smile because she saw she had made Erin smile with that line about being dramatic.

Erin didn't think she'd ever heard Holtz swear before. She wasn't really a fan of expressing yourself with cuss words, although she herself swore at inanimate objects and sometimes people multiple times a day. But when Holtz swore Erin actually found it kinda hot.

"How am I supposed to make a joke out of this?" Holtz asked seriously, pressing Erin against the door again to show how serious she was about this question.

Erin linked her fingers together behind Holtzy's lower back and pulled her closer by the hips. Now that they were close enough for Erin to really see Holtz's darkened eyes in the dim light, she saw the real heartbreaking pain so evident there. She remembered she was currently holding a woman who was just told five minutes ago that her mother is dying.

She released Holtzmann's waist and instead reached up and pulled her into a real, tight hug.

Holtz dropped her head to Erin's shoulder and Erin expected her to start crying, but when she was pushed away a minute later, Holtz's eyes were dry and her complexion normal.

Holtzmann stepped away from Erin and turned her head away. "Sorry for kissing you."

"Why would you apologize for that?"

"That's not something casual friends do." She quoted Erin from the other night.

"Well... we don't… really have to be casual."

"…We don't?" Holtzmann sounded like this was the best news she'd heard all day. Which wasn't exactly a high standard to beat right now.

"…No. We don't." Erin tried to think if she really wanted to be in a real relationship with Holtzmann. Well, she was trying to think of a reason not to be.

"You just called my little brother cute. In an attracted-to-him sort of way."

"Clearly it runs in the family. Either that or I'm just a sucker for… " Erin was about to say Spencer's last name in plural form but then she realized for the first time that she now knew Holtzy's real last name. "Andrews'" She tried it out.

Holtz gave a small smile, hearing someone say her real last name for the first time in years.

"That's your last name. Andrews."

Holtz nodded.

"But your first name isn't Jillian?"

"No."

"You probably aren't going to tell me what it is, are you?"

"Probably not."

Erin had a funny idea. "It's not Erin, is it?" She joked.

Holtz grinned. "No, it's not. I promise."

"But if you reveal who you are to your brother… He'll call you by your real first name."

"It would be weird if he called me Holtzmann."

"So when you come out to him, then I'll know your real name?" Erin liked playing this name game with Holtz, and she could tell Holtz was enjoying feeling superior knowing something Erin didn't.

"Most likely."

"Will you still want me to call you Holtzmann?"

"That's my legal name. So yes."

"So if I go to Spencer, and I ask him what his sister's name was…"

Holtz seemed to realize this work-around for the first time.

"Kevin took down his number. I could call him and ask him right now."

"You wanna know that badly?"

"Sure."

"How about I tell you… later?" Holtz suggested, with no real intention to do so.

"Later when?"

"Later at your house." Holtz still hadn't quite grasped the concept of not inviting herself over places. Though after seeing her apartment, Erin, Abby, and Patty agreed that it was safest to stay away from there.

Erin realized she still hadn't decided if she wanted to be in a relationship with Holtz. She thought about Holtz's soft lips and the kind of high she got just when their bodies and faces were close to one another. So how the fuck could she say no?

She decided to wait until Holtz brought it up again, and Holtz seemed to have forgotten now.

"So do you wanna go back out there and watch a movie with everyone? Maybe you'll feel a little better?"

"I'd rather just stay here and hibernate." Holtz muttered. "But hibernating is for bears."

Erin was starting to catch on to another piece of Holtzmann lingo. She figured "bears" is essentially equivalent to any bad guy. She tried to test this theory. "Is Lex Luthor a bear?"

Holtzmann gave her a comically confused frown. "Are _you_ feeling alright?"

Erin burst out a short laugh. She saw Holtz's knuckles were white, gripping the edge of the desk she was leaning on.

"Are you still stressed? Because you can take it out on me if you need to. Or it's really satisfying to like hit or kick something, believe me, I know a g-"

Before she could get any further, Holtz had pushed her back against the door again, her same hand pinning Erin's wrist gently, their faces an inch apart. This time there was a certain fire in Holtz's eyes. "You said I could take it out on you. I thought you meant this."

"Well, this, this works too." Erin said, her voice light.

Holtz's eyebrows turned apologetic for just a moment while she begged, "Tell me if I'm doing something wrong." except she phrased it as if she were referring to everything in the entire world. Without waiting for an answer, the fire returned to her eyes and she leaned in, capturing Erin's lips against hers once more.

This time Erin pushed back, showing Holtz that she wasn't doing anything wrong. Or if she was, then they both were.

Where had this been all her life? This experience of kissing women? There was definitely a more soft satisfaction in it than kissing men, Erin decided. She kind of always knew she wasn't entirely straight, that much was never really a question. But if you were to ask her two weeks ago if she would ever kiss a girl, her answer would be no. And when she asked herself why not, her answer was always that she was too shy.

Holtzmann certainly wasn't shy, she decided as Holtz bit Erin's lower lip, eliciting a small, involuntary noise from Erin.

Erin's free hand found Holtzmann's back, needing something to grab onto and eventually landing on her small waist.

Just as it had been last time, as soon as Erin was starting to get into it, Holtz stepped back, releasing her. Holtz looked at the floor off to her left and wiped her mouth on the back of her wrist, almost hiding behind her hand.

"Get out." She said hoarsely to the floor.

"…Wh- what?"

"Not- I'm not mad at you, Erin. I'm sorry. I just need a minute. Please. I'm sorry." Her voice was hard and almost scared Erin. Though the fact that she actually addressed Erin by her first name was enough to make note of. For some reason, she didn't really use proper nouns often.

"Don't apologize, H-"

When Erin didn't leave right away, Holtz grabbed the doorknob right next to Erin's hip and shoved it open. Erin shot Holtz a concerned look as she stepped out into the hall.

Holtz flung the door shut hard behind her, pacing her way to the back corner behind the desk, cursing herself under her breath, her fist jerking in the air with each frustrated syllable.

Of course, this is how it would go. She finally gets something nice; someone who wants to be her friend, who is nice, who is attractive and doesn't mind Holtz's quirks, someone who's smart like her, and gets along with the only other friend she has. Holtz finally found this mystery girl, who happens to be Erin, and now Erin wants kissing to be more than casual.

She had been told that kissing was for people who have a special connection, beyond just physical. But that's the complicated thing about normal people and their normal ideas about love and sex: to them, kissing was always supposed to lead to more, emotionally. It wasn't like a handshake or a hug.

It's not that Holtz didn't want more of Erin. But how much would Erin want of her? She was already pressing her about her real name. She had already gone behind Holtz's back and googled human trafficking, which pissed Holtzmann off. Nothing Erin could read online would match what Holtz has lived through, and some stories online were probably much worse than Holtz could imagine or fake altogether. The internet, just overall a bad source to go by when you want to learn about someone's life.

Maybe, just ask them?

But that's what Holtz was even more afraid of. She didn't want Erin to ask questions about her past. Between the handcuff scars and the freaking trafficking thing in general, Erin already knew too much, in Holtz's mind.

As much as all of this may seem like coherent thought, it was a little overwhelming for Holtz when it all came at her in 2.7 seconds. Even the dim light from the desk lamp was making her lightheaded, another product of the car accident. She shut her eyes and crossed the room from memory, dropping to the floor where she guessed she was behind her desk. She brought her knees to her chin and speared her fingers through her hair, fighting off the knowledge that after knowing Erin for only a month, she was already failing at keeping her old life from contaminating everything.

She's not Jillian Holtzmann. She's the same trembling girl in the back of a van believing she had been rescued from the creek, whose biggest concern was the slight mud stain on her mother's sweater. The same girl who had once used her school copy of _"Macbeth"_ as kindling for a science experiment on the bus. The same girl who had literally set the kitchen cabinets on fire trying to "reinvent" breakfast cereal.

She bit her shirt collar and sniffled, aware of the wetness that already covered her cheeks. She prayed that Erin never saw her like this. She wanted Erin to know Jillian Holtzmann. And she was having a really hard time being Jillian right now.

Not to mention she didn't want Erin knowing her real first name. The last person to call her that was her mother, nearly eighteen years ago. Even in the ring, they called her "Mave", because when they first asked her name, she was trembling so hard all she could get out was "Ma-". She never did tell them her real name, though they must've known, given all the information they obtained on her family to blackmail her with repeatedly.

She took a few last shuddering sighs, the end of a good cry, and wiped her face on her shirt sleeve. Reaching up for her cell phone on the desk, she let it tumble to her lap. She skimmed through the group chat the girls had going until she found Abby's text with Kevin's phone number attached.

Knowing he probably wouldn't answer the phone at the reception desk, she entered his number into a new text conversation. Right now everyone out there had probably forgotten about the movie and were packing up to move their operations to the fire house.

She typed: "DID SPENCER LEAVE A NUMBER"

Then, thinking over how Kevin might interpret that, she added: "TO REACH HIM AT"

Less than a minute later, Kevin replied with all the contact information Spencer had provided, then, "WHO IS THIS?"

Her hands shook as she dialed the mobile phone number with that Seattle area code she recognized.

Her finger hovered over the green send button as she felt more tears sting her eyes.

 _/flashback. /_

 _"What do you mean, "freelance?"" Sivan asked, intrigued by what the older woman was telling them._

 _"It means I don't have an agent."_

 _"An agent?" Mave said, looking at Sivan in mutual curiosity._

 _"Yeah?" The woman said condescendingly. "You know? Like you two have Mr. Nox?"_

 _"…Oh." Sivan said. Neither of them ever considered Nox an agent. "So what do you do?"_

 _The woman looked at the two young girls, who looked not even old enough to drink legally. Their faces were hollow but their eyes curious; still filled with life. She pretended to ignore the situation she knew they were in. Whoever Nox was, she knew he wasn't an agent. He was an owner. "It means I set the rules. If a guy is gonna pay for my services, he has to follow MY basic rules. Nothing more than two hours; Nothing I didn't agree on beforehand; and No kissing on the mouth."_

 _"What." Mave spat. "And they listen to you?"_

 _"They have to."_

 _"Why?" Sivan asked._

 _This woman was getting really sick of the girls' questions. "Because I have people." Actually, all she had was the threat of people to back her up. But it worked. Besides, she was enjoying blowing their young minds with all the privileges of consent. She had been in their shoes before. And someday, when they outlived their cash value, they too would be in hers. Selling themselves on the streets._

 _"You can tell them not to kiss you on the mouth?" Mave asked._

 _"Honey, mouth kissing is a privilege. That's reserved for the people I really like. For that special someone. Well, at least for people who don't have to pay for me."_

 _A man stepped into the doorway of the dressing room. Sivan and Mave clasped each others' hands in fear. He called a name._

 _"That's me, girls." The woman dismissed them, lifting her chin with a sort of beaten dignity as she followed the man out the door._

 _Mave turned to Sivan. "I didn't know kissing was sacred, Seven." She snorted a laugh, using her nickname for her friend. "Of all things."_

 _"It's not. Don't listen to her."_

 _Mave added the woman's advice to her list of things to forget (she could tell you everything on that list, though). The more she thought of kissing as special, the harder it would be when she was forcefully kissed. She didn't need yet another thing to feel bad about herself, and the possibility of ever getting free and finding someone who loved her was getting more bleak by the day._

 _~/~_


	8. Papercuts

A/N: As per request of my readers on AO3, this chapter has a few flashbacks, which are italicized. The next chapter will have more intense Holtzbert stuff and I might have to change the rating. Thanks for reading! Reviews are always helpful!

Just a reminder: Mave = Holtzmann. Same person.

 _~/~_

 _"Get down." The guard grumbled, squeezing the cuffs impossibly tight on Mave's wrists and forcing her head down to the floor of the car._

 _"Ow. I know what to do. Ow!" This was pretty much routine as the car approached the mansion, in case any neighbors or spies had super vision and could see through the tinted windows. "God forbid anyone ever sees me in this car and wonders why there's a woman in a car going to a house. Crazy."_

 _He nudged her leg with his boot to try and make her shut up, but didn't say anything, and he didn't really care. He's just a guard._

 _This was her favorite part, the last stretch before the mansion. Because they believed if someone saw her, or saw them moving their lips to talk to her, their whole decades-long operation would be blown. Or, they'd have to kill whomever saw them. She thought their paranoia was hilarious because they've slipped up plenty of times before, and if those tiny slip ups really mattered, she'd have been free a long time ago, instead of going into her eleventh year in this hell._

 _Purgatory, she called it. She knows she's still alive because she can feel pain. And lots of it._

 _But she did take joy in this small stretch of the car ride, because she got to say whatever she wanted to them and they could not move their mouths to respond._

 _She twisted onto her back and rested her head against the car door so she could try to make eye contact with someone. She looked at the guard, Frank. "Tell me, Franklin. Exactly what phase of your midlife crisis led you to make the conscious decision to purchase that tie?"_

 _He briefly glanced down at his tie then back up, cursing himself for letting her get to him._

 _"I know, I know, it's hard to look at! I just went through five of the six stages of grief from looking at your tie_ alone _." She let a small smile cross her lips._

 _"Hey, Incisor!" She addressed the man who told her to call him Fang. "You know who you look like? You ever seen that Steve Martin movie, with like, Rob Reiner I think, and the cross dresser who dates Adam Sandler? Shoot, I forget the name of it."_

 _Nox, who was driving the car, swerved intentionally so the right tires skirted the side of the road, bumping the car around and making Mave hit her head on the inner door handle._

 _"Ow, fuck!" But she wasn't gonna let her punchline go that easily. "You look like if the cross dresser and the dead guy in the Christmas tree had a lovechild. And allowed it to be raised by wolves. Was your mother a cross dresser? No, you had two dads, I bet that's it, right?"_

 _Fang in the front passenger seat slid his chair sharply backwards, only to elicit a laugh from Mave because they all knew from past attempts that the chair wouldn't go back far enough to actually hurt her._

 _"Hey, I fully support that. That's a very progressive stance to have and I admire your dads for letting love persevere. Can you tell them that? Can you ask if they would invite me to their wedding? I hear New York is gonna pass that marriage law next year. I love same sex relationships. You-"_

 _She stopped when she saw Nox scratch the back of his neck with two fingers. That was a warning. She was reminded of what he was capable of once they were inside the house._

 _"I- I'm sure your parents are lovely people, Molar." The car stopped and Frank grabbed her roughly under the arm, popping the door and dragging her out into the garage by the cuffs. "Ow, you fucking bagel!"_

 _"Get up!" Nox shouted. It echoed in the wide garage, big enough to fit five cars but empty other than theirs and a jet black one on the far other end. That meant Sivan was home._

 _She stumbled to her feet despite the handcuffs. Nox put a finger under her chin and raised it until she was uncomfortable. His eyes struck that fear right back into her. "I'm sick of your shit." He said in a low voice._

 _Lately she'd really been pushing the boundaries. Once she realized she was gonna die in the ring, she decided to push everything to the limits and die sooner rather than continue as normal for an extended time._

 _She pulled her head back sharply away from his finger, then stood on her toes to look him in the eyes even though he was actually shorter than her, without those big boots on. Her nose was in inch from his. She narrowed her eyes and said, "Ditto."_

 _His open hand connected with the side of her face, and a second later the other side of her head connected with the side mirror of the car, knocking it out of its socket and knocking her to the ground._

 _She kept her eyes closed and sat up, leaning against the dirty tire, letting out a small sigh and hoping she could just go to sleep here. She opened her eyes lazily, one of which was starting to swell, and found Nox crouched down in front of her, his hands together and a sick smile on his face. She eyed the bulge in his jacket pocket that contained the cash he'd made off of her today._

 _"If you're so sick of me, why don't you just leave me on the side of the road somewhere?" She mumbled, tasting blood in her cheek._

 _"The only way I'm leaving you anywhere is in a body bag. Is that what you want?" He hissed._

 _"...I don't know."_

 _Nox stood back up. "Frank. Fang." He walked back into the house._

 _The guards picked her up each under one arm, and practically dragged her back into the house. They locked all the garage doors from the inside and led her to the familiar door. They unlocked her cuffs and she was shoved down the stairs, the door locking heavily behind her._

 _She caught herself at the railing and continued down the stairs into the finished basement. It could look almost like a normal room for people to live in, if not for the complete lack of anything remotely sharp or anything that could be made into a weapon. The gray carpet and blue walls gave the room a gloomy look, and did little to hide the rusted pipes. Two twin mattresses were pushed against the far wall without sheets._

 _Mave approached one of the mattresses, where a tan-skinned figure in a tank top lay facing the wall. "Hey." She knelt behind the woman and put a hand gently on her warm shoulder._

 _The woman didn't answer._

 _Mave adjusted and sat on the mattress behind her, stroking her shoulder softly. "Sev. Hey, Seven."_

 _Still no answer. She leaned over to see her face. Her eyes were open, staring forward in a pained expression._

 _Mave sighed. "Bad one, huh?"_

 _The dark haired girl finally nodded softly._

 _"I'm sorry." She leaned down and softly kissed the woman's shoulder. When she got no reaction, she brushed the dark hair back and began kissing her neck. She slipped her hand around Sivan's stomach and felt her shaking softly. She looked up to see silent tears leaving streaks down her friend's cheek. "You hurt?" Mave asked._

 _Sivan nodded again._

 _That got Mave's attention. She sat up straight. "What is it? Is it a rib?"_

 _Sivan shook her head no and cried harder. "Please just let me sleep." She said._

 _"Okay… okay." Mave got up and dragged the other mattress next to Sivan's, like they did every night. She laid down behind her and wrapped her arm around her friend, curling her body close around hers. They laid in silence for a few minutes, just listening to each other's breathing._

 _"He broke the rules." Sivan said so quiet Mave almost didn't hear. "I told him I'd tell Nox about it. He told me he- he paid Nox extra to –to let him… hurt me, the way he did."_

 _Mave felt her vision cloud with rage and heard her blood rushing in her ears. She silently sat up and looked over her friend. "…Nox did WHAT?"_

 _Sivan started crying again._

 _Mave stood up, shivering at the loss of warmth from Sivan's body._

 _"Come back." Sivan said weakly._

 _Mave draped one of the throw blankets over her friend and headed towards the other corner of the large room, where she shoved a trunk out of the way pulled a panel off the wall. In it, her master concoction was brewing in a small glass cup. Lemonade and fruit juice she had stashed away months ago, left open to grow mold. A battery that had been soaking in some ginger ale. The sterile alcohol from a couple first aid kits she had swiped. Oh, and the secret ingredient: whatever the hell had been dripping from this rusted pipe for nearly a year. It must've been something good, because it was wearing a steady hole in the concrete and whatever she put under it. It sizzled when she swished it. She began to dump all of these ingredients into the glass cup._

 _"What are you doing?" Sivan called._

 _"Don't worry about it."_

 _"No, Mave, what are you gonna do?"_

 _"Just getting myself a little drink."_

 _Sivan knew what that meant. "No! Mave, not now. We're not ready for that yet!"_

 _"When are we gonna be ready?" She asked as casually as asking about dinner._

 _"Stop it. Mave, I'm fucking serious. Put that shit away. We have no plan."_

 _Mave finally turned her head to Sivan, pulling the glass out of the wall. "No, YOU have no plan." She pulled a plastic baggie out of the first aid kit, which had come to contain a lot more than first aid supplies. She also grabbed a hollowed out pen._

 _"What is that?"_

 _Mave set everything down and walked calmly over to Sivan, who was half sitting up by now. She knelt down and planted a soft kiss on her forehead. "Don't worry, babe. We've been planning this for five years. It's time we act on it."_

 _"Mave, this is stupid. I can't go anywhere, I told you, I'm hurt!"_

 _"So what, Seven, are we gonna wait until one of us is even more hurt? It's not going to get any better!"_

 _"…Did something happen to you too today?"_

 _Mave looked at the ground. "Nothing compared to what you went through, I'm sure."_

 _"Something happened." Sivan concluded._

 _Mave held her jaw gently and left a soft kiss on her lips. "Don't." she kissed her again, lower on her neck this time. "Worry." another kiss on Sivan's sternum. "About it." she moved back up to her lips and this time her kiss lingered, then grew hungrier at Sivan's prompting. After a minute, her kiss migrated back down to Sivan's collarbone._

 _"I want you." Sivan whispered. "To make me forget what they did today. I wanna remember your touch, not theirs."_

 _~/~_

"Holtzmann!" Abby's pounding on the closet door made Holtz jump, nearly pressing the button to call her brother.

She set the phone down and swung the door open. "Greetings."

"Holtzmann. Are you okay?"

"Doing great." She grinned, though she knew Abby could still see the redness around her eyes. "Why?"

"Well, Erin seemed a little upset when she walked out a few minutes ago."

"What did she say?" Holtzmann asked.

"Nothing. She was just upset. Trust me, I know her. I can tell."

"Is she okay?"

"I don't know, did you say something to her?"

"I-" Holtz started, glancing down the hall looking for Erin. "Can you tell her to come back in here? I- maybe I should apologize." She flashed Abby a smile.

Abby gave a nod, satisfied with herself that she had mended the relationship between her two friends.

Holtzmann leaned her back against the doorframe, half in the room, watching down the hall for Erin. She did feel bad for telling Erin to get out, but she'd rather that than Erin see her crying like she just had.

A minute later, Erin started walking down the hall towards Holtz. Holtzmann tried to make her face look apologetic. Erin didn't say anything, and was clearly upset. She met Holtzmann's eyes and Holtz was a little startled by the pain in them. She also looked a little pissed. Holtz let her in and closed the door behind her gently.

Before Holtz could get a word in, Erin said sharply, "Maybe this isn't going to work."

"…What?" Holtz said quietly.

"Maybe this wasn't… I don't know… "meant to be". We're coworkers, we're friends, and I don't want to throw that away just because I'm inexperienced and you're clearly still too traumatized to be intimate." Erin spoke on a level just below shouting, and only afterward did they think to pray no one outside heard that.

Holtzmann took a step back.

Erin froze, realizing what she said was incredibly insensitive and hurtful. "I'm sorry, Holtz." The hurt in Holtz's eyes made Erin feel sick.

"No, keep going." Holtzmann prompted.

"No-"

"I'm not good with words, so I won't try and defend myself because you're probably right anyway. Please, continue. Enlighten me about myself."

Erin wasn't sure how she was starting to apologize when she came here for Holtz to apologize. She shook it off. "Look, it's hard enough that you're the first woman I've ever kissed, ever… had feelings for. That's kind of a life-changing thing to realize about yourself, you know? So I'm scared enough that everything I'm doing is wrong. And there's you who's… hesitant for other reasons. You're hurting. And if you're scared of every intimate move I make, then I think everything I'm doing is wrong. And I'm treading totally new territory here, so that hurts me." Erin finished with a helpless sigh. "I wanna be friends, and I wanna help you, so maybe we should work on that before we work on…this." She gestured vaguely between the two of them.

Holtzmann looked at the floor and thought this over for a while. She's terrible with words on a good day, how's she supposed to match Erin's little speech just now? She had absolutely no way of expressing herself. Then she got an idea.

Holtz walked over to Erin until they were close. She reached behind her and knocked some papers and things off her desk, making room. Then she pushed Erin slightly back against the desk. "You're not doing anything wrong." She said in a low voice. "I'm sorry I ever made you feel that way. But this-" She pressed her lips against Erin's for a moment. "Is not wrong.

"Holtzmann-"

"Sh. You're right. I should've made it clear, what's right and what's wrong." As Holtz stared into Erin's eyes, the pain in her own eyes lifted. She was enjoying the adorable confusion in Erin's eyes right now. Holtz brushed her cheek against Erin's and whispered near her ear, "This," she lowered her mouth to Erin's jaw and started to suck on one spot. "Is right." She mumbled. "This." She slowly ran her hands over Erin's shoulders to the front and down her sides, her thumbs brushing the sides of Erin's breasts and continuing on down to rest on her hips. "is right." She could feel Erin's pulse point on her neck quicken, her breaths becoming shallower.

Erin felt her knees grow weak as Holtz's hands slipped over her ass and down the back of her thighs. In one fluid motion, Holtz lifted Erin up and set her on the edge of the desk. A startled noise escaped Erin and she felt Holtz grin against her neck.

Suddenly, Holtzmann removed her hands from Erin's hips and stepped back, breaking her kiss. She stood just out of reach of Erin's open legs, leaving Erin with a cold sensation. "You tell me," Holtz began, "if anything I'm doing is wrong. Okay? If I do anything you don't want, you tell me that's wrong, just like I'm telling you what's right. Got it?"

Erin nodded eagerly, her mouth dry.

Holtzmann finally stepped back between Erin's knees, their mouths immediately finding each other. Holtz's left hand found Erin's knee and she ran her palm smoothly up it, down to the inside of Erin's thigh. She stroked her thumb along the crease of Erin's thigh, having to press hard to get through her jeans. "This." Holtzmann said in a husky voice, "is right?"

She took it as a yes when Erin pushed herself forward until she was sitting on Holtzmann's hand. Holtz kissed Erin deeper to catch the soft groan she let out.

Holtzmann slowly pulled her hand back and pulled away from the kiss, letting their lips linger millimeters apart.

"Why do you keep doing that?" Erin complained about Holtz cutting the kiss short.

"Because I want you to save it." Holtz said in that low voice. "Save it for later, at your apartment. Okay? There's more, I promise."

Erin frowned. "Sure." She said quietly. "Get me wet THEN tell me I have to walk around like this all day."

Suddenly the door burst open and Abby leaned quickly in, out of breath. "Report of a ghost in an apartment building on East 58th street and 109th. …Why are you sitting on the desk?"

"Oh-" Erin started.

"She got tired of standing." Holtz said smoothly.

"Ok. Gear up! We gotta go!"

~/~

 _"Don't do this tonight." Sivan begged, while Mave assembled the acid squirt gun she had been designing from the most rudimentary supplies available. She had the disgusting, moldy, acidy concoction in the baggie now. She could easily poke a hole in it and squirt it, but the stream wouldn't be fast enough and she had nothing that small to poke it with. That's why it was going to be squeezed through the butt end of a hollowed out pen._

 _Mave ignored her. "Okay, you know the plan? Once I blind Nox with the acid, you grab his gun, and we're home free, baby!"_

 _"Mave. Shut up. It's not going to work. Even if we accomplish all that, we're not going to get anywhere!"_

 _"Well do you have a fucking better plan!?" Mave finally exploded. She had been holding in her anger until now. "Is there anything you'd rather be doing than getting raped five or ten fucking times a day nearly every day of the fucking year and watching the absolute scum of the earth profit from it? I don't know about you, but sometimes I'd really rather be dead."_

 _"Don't you fucking talk like that!" Sivan finally got up and walked right up to Mave. "You're the one who's always telling me that living is worth the fight. Are you going against your own advice? You're gonna try and kill yourself?"_

 _"No. I wouldn't put you through that. I wouldn't put you through the endless hours of nursing me back to health, trying to undo everything I did to myself. I wouldn't make you fix all my wounds when I'd rather be dead." She glared at Sivan, referring to Sivan's multiple suicide attempts in the past. "If I die, I'm gonna succeed."_

 _That was a low blow. Tears brimmed Sivan's eyes but she was silent, glaring back at Mave. "So this is it? You're telling me you're gonna kill yourself?_

 _"There's a difference between killing yourself and getting yourself killed. One involves at least trying." Mave said evenly. "What's your plan?"_

 _"What if I don't want you to die?" Sivan crossed her arms._

 _"I don't wanna die either. But I don't wanna keep living in Purgatory forever. Seven, we're twenty-six years old. Our value is going down by the year. Sooner or later they're just gonna kill us anyway. They're not setting us free; we know too much."_

 _They stood for an entire minute in silence, just reading each other's eyes. Finally, Sivan raised her hand to Mave's cheek and stroked it gently. "Don't die, you piece of shit. I love you."_

 _Mave lowered her head and pulled Sivan into a hug, resting her head on the brunette's shoulder. Sivan started a gentle rocking motion that just reminded Mave of home so much her eyes stung with tears._

 _Finally, she started laughing into Sivan's shoulder. "I'm not gonna die, you fucking bagel."_

 _Sivan laughed back. "You're a bagel."_

 _"You're a fucking bagel." Mave's tears were forgotten as they laughed._

 _Suddenly, the basement door slammed open. Mave dove to shove her acid gun back into the wall but realized she didn't have time. She stuffed it under a blanket as lead footsteps descended the stairs. Nox gave a stupid grin when he saw both of them. "You're needed upstairs." He said to Mave, approaching her._

 _Mave worked up her courage and accepted the pain that was likely to follow, "No." She said._

 _To her surprise, Nox stopped. "Fine. I'll take her then." He started towards Sivan._

 _"NO!" Mave launched herself at him but he threw an elbow out to the side at the last second and it connected sharply with the bridge of her nose. "gah!" She dropped to the floor and out of the corner of her vision, saw Nox grab Sivan's arm and yank it hard. She didn't put up a fight but looked more miserable than any person ever should. More than that, she looked dead, broken._

 _That's what did it for Mave. She scrambled back to the blanket on her hands and knees and hurriedly finished the assembly of the acid gun while Nox's back was turned. She jumped to her feet, fighting dizziness, and ran right up to him, unleashing the putrid liquid of rubbing alcohol and fermented juice._

 _"Fuck! What the-!" Nox cried out in pain. Mave's aim couldn't have been better. The full stream shot straight into his eyes and Nox, a known exaggerator and occasional drama queen, roared in pain._

 _Sivan was frozen scared, so Mave reached for his gun._

 _Only, it wasn't there._

 _There was nothing on his belt where the gun and holster should be._

 _"Mave, you-!" Nox swung a fist at her but she easily ducked. Then he turned and ran up the stairs, stumbling a little as his eyes were squeezed shut._

 _Once he was gone, Mave looked at Sivan and the shared an expression of fear and excitement. Only, Sivan's was entirely fear and Mave's was mostly excitement._

 _"You fucking idiot! Why'd you do that if he didn't have his gun?" Sivan said so hoarsely it came out as a whisper._

 _"I- I thought he did!"_

 _"He's gonna kill both of us now!"_

 _"No he's not; just me."_

 _Sivan actually slapped Mave's arm. Hard. "That's just as bad! You think I wanna fucking be stuck here without you?"_

 _Mave thought quickly. "…Plan B! Wait here." She said. There's always a Plan B. She ran over to the wall where the acid had been stored and took the panel off, holding it up like a baseball bat._

 _Heavy footsteps clattered down the stairs in a hurry, and Nox appeared, to their horror, with his gun extended in his hand. "Mave I'm gonna fire a bullet straight down you fucking throat and you're gonna suffer!" He had some creative threats. All terrifying._

 _He swung the gun around, unable to clearly see what he was aiming at. He landed on the figure standing in the middle of the room. "Mave! I swear to fucking god I'm gonna kill you!"_

 _He pulled the trigger at the same time Mave shouted "Here!" from the opposite direction. Sivan let out a soft cry of pain and dropped to the ground._

 _"NO!" Mave shouted, running at Nox. "You fucking idiot, I'm over here! What did you do!?" Her voice broke._

 _Even Nox seemed shocked. He'd hardly ever actually fired his gun before._

 _"…You hit the wrong fucking person! That's not me! I'm right here!" In a burst of bravery or stupidity, Mave was actually shaking Nox's shoulders, screaming in his ear._

 _Stunned and unable to see what damage he had done, Nox holstered his gun and swallowed, brushing Mave off. He walked stiffly back up the stairs and shut the door._

 _Mave was absolutely hysterical, thinking about all the different ways this was her fault as she stumbled over to Sivan, suddenly extremely lightheaded and dizzy. Bright black spots began to cloud her vision and she dropped to her knees at Sivan's side before she could pass out._

 _"Sev- Se- Seven. Hey- are you okay? Seven please s- ohh my god." She mumbled into her hand, remembering for the ninth time in the past five seconds that this was undoubtedly her fault._

 _"Mave. Stop it." Sivan breathed, sitting up. "I think I'm okay. Look." She forced Mave's eyes to her thigh, where the bullet had just grazed the side of it enough to break the skin a little. She let out a relieved, nervous laugh. "I think I'll be okay."_

 _Nothing in Mave's life was brighter than Sivan's smile in that moment. Mave tenderly touched the skin around the scrape, thinking it was too good to be true. "Oh my god. Ohh my goddd." She squeezed her eyes shut over and over, trying to hold back the tears that had been prepared to fall, anticipating the worst. "Itsokay." She slurred, reassuring herself. "You'reokay."_

 _Sivan laughed nervously. "I've had paper cuts worse than this."_

 _Mave finally burst out laughing, pulling Sivan into the tightest hug. "God, I love you, you fucking bagel." Their bodies shook together as they simultaneously laughed and cried._

 _"You're okay."_

 _"I'm okay."_

 _~/~_

 _Don't die, you piece of shit. I love you._

Sivan's words always seemed to echo in Holtzy's head whenever she entered a situation that might be remotely dangerous.

Like right now, for example. "Oyy boy." She muttered in a funny voice as they made their way through the hoarder's apartment. She shook her pant leg as if she could already feel roaches running up them.

"There was a really large frog in the closet earlier…" The homeowner said, leading them to the bedroom. The hallway was barely wide enough to walk single-file.

"…Do she mean the ghost or like, a real frog?" Patty muttered into Holtzy's ear.

Holtz just grinned, deciding that either option sounded kinda cool. "I'm hoping it's the real thing." She said to Patty.

"He came out here, put on my slippers and told me to get out." The woman said calmly, puffing her cigarette then coughing the way only a smoker could.

"Did you interact with him at all?" Abby asked.

"I said, "Hey, those are my slippers!"' He says, "I know." Then he went into my bathroom and took my hair dryer, pulled it right off the cord. Then he walked out the front door."

Abby thought this over. "Excuse me while I confer with my colleagues." The four girls gathered in a circle.

Holtzmann gave a small nod. "I'd say we're dealing with either a semi-malevolent Class 3 Apparition or a code 941 Altered Mental Status person. Patty, your thoughts?"

"I'd say there's either a ghost, or she's crazy."

Holtzmann ignored the fact that that's exactly what she just said. She slapped Patty's arm gently. "I like the way you think." She tossed a subtle wink at Erin, who immediately blushed.

"Let's check out the bathroom: the main crime scene." Abby said.

They all followed Abby back through the house. Patty was last, muttering, "Patty, there are so many jobs that are cleaner than working at the metro, and you picked the one that ISN'T."

"Don't rule out sanitation worker." Holtzmann said. "Or cadaver dog."

"Oh, hell no."

The homeowner led them to the bathroom, which was surprisingly cleaner than the rest of the house, as far as things stacked against the walls.

"Right here." She reached into the bathtub which could not possibly ever be used for bathing because it was full of books and newspapers, and pulled out a frayed cord end. "This was my hair dryer. He took the rest of it." She held it out to the side without looking, bumping Holtzmann in the chest and so Holtz had to grab the wire.

"Well, _something_ tore this off." Erin observed.

Holtzmann read the tag to make sure it was a hair dryer. She turned to the woman. "This here is a picture of a bathtub. With an X through it."

"Yeah?"

Holtz pointed to the tub with two fingers, just shaking her head at the woman. She turned back to the others. "Fire Safety frog." She concluded.

Erin shifted her feet and slipped in something. She went down backwards and her shoulder connected with the toilet seat, sparing her head from the grimy floor.

Holtzmann made a honking noise in surprise.

"Are you okay!?" Abby asked, taking a step towards Erin but Patty shoved past her, lifting Erin off the floor and back onto her feet in one quick motion.

Erin barely had time to process the fall before she was back on her feet. "Oh! Thanks, Patty."

"Five second rule." Patty explained, regarding the floor with disgust.

Holtzmann elbowed Patty and said suggestively, "That implies you're gonna eat her."

It was an innocent enough statement, until Holtz winked again at Erin, this time slowly, and this time Erin could feel the heat in her cheeks begin to creep down her chest. Erin shifted feet again and reached up to rub her shoulder to hide the shiver that went through her picturing Holtz doing what she was implying.

Holtzmann grinned wide and her eyes sparkled, seeing what she did to Erin.

"Look at this." Abby pointed to the floor at what Erin had slipped on. A shiny green glob.

"Of course." Erin muttered.

"Ectoplasm. I… I think." Abby said.

"Of course it is."

"Is it?" Patty asked, leaning closer.

"…I don't know. Smell it, Patty." Abby said.

Patty turned her head slowly to glare at Abby.

"Uh, um, Erin. Smell it." She said.

"I already slipped in it!"

"Holtzmann!"

"I like my weird substances as much as the next gal," Holtz said, rolling up her sleeves. "But you're closer."

"These packs are heavy. If I get my face that close to the floor, I don't know if I'm coming back up." Abby said.

Holtz didn't mind really. She walked around them to the slime and got down on her knees, making sure she was closest to Erin. She got down close to the floor in sort of a push-up stance and sniffed the green goo.

Erin watched Holtz's arms as she easily lowered her upper body, despite the heavy pack. She wondered what Holtz's muscles looked like under those sleeves.

"Gahhh!" Holtzmann cried out in one of her accents, startling everyone, jumping back as if the smell burned her.

"Oh my god! What? What is it?" Abby cried.

"I don't wanna know." Patty said, starting to walk out. "I am so done."

Holtz stood up and faced Abby directly with a small smile. "Sulfur." She said. "It's ectoplasm."

"Oh. Holtzmann!"

"Wait, so a real ghost did this?" Patty asked.

"Yeah. That's what I told you." The woman spoke up again in her groggy voice.

"So he took the hair dryer… but not the wire." Erin said.

"Yep."

"Did he take anything else?"

"Yeah. A pack of smokes from my counter here."

"Fire Safety frog." Holtzmann emphasized.

Patty turned to her. "Okay, you are like the LAST person who should EVER be lecturing about fire safety."

A low laugh bubbled up from Holtzmann's throat. Her eyes sparkled with pride.

"We can't really do anything if the ghost isn't here." Abby said. "We'll put you on our radar. Call us the next time he's HERE. Try and keep him confined to one room, if you can."

The woman shook her head. "Alright." She started coughing again.

As the girls headed out, Holtzmann said to the woman. "I think you've got a… a little… "

"What?" The woman said between coughs.

"…frog in your throat." She flashed a smile then ran out the front door to catch up with the others, still laughing at herself.

~/~

Back at the station, Holtzmann sat behind one of her worktables with her feet up on it, tinkering with some parts.

Erin had immediately rushed all their uniforms to the washing machine, paid for by the government, since their uniforms got slimed so often.

Abby sat in one of the booths, and Patty had pulled a stool up to the other side of Holtzmann's table to watch her.

"Man, I think I got a little splinter or somethin from one of the doorframes at that lady's house." Patty said, picking at her hand.

"Lemme see." Holtzmann leaned forward.

"It's nothin. I pulled it out earlier. Now it's just a little torn skin."

"You should put a band-aid on that." Holtz sat up, remembering she should be packing her stuff away to move to the firehouse.

"Nah. It'll be okay."

"At least get some Neosporin."

"I'm coo. It'll patch up on its own it's pretty small."

"That wasn't a question. I'm telling you, put some Neosporin on it. It could get infected."

"Something this small is NOT gonna get infected."

"False." Holtzmann said, but the normal lighthearted tone had left her voice. "I'll get you some." She walked to the far end of the restaurant and opened a cabinet. She returned with a cotton ball, a bottle, and a box of kids band-aids.

"What you got, like Spongebob band-aids or something? Holtzy, why am I not surprised?"

"Actually it's Jay Jay the Jet Plane." She handed Patty the box, taking Patty's other hand to treat the small wound.

"The what?" Patty looked at the characters on the box. "Nightmares. The word you are looking for is nightmares."

"That's all I have." She finished with the Neosporin and popped open the box.

"I do not want that on my hand."

"This is non-negotiable."

Patty laughed. "Holtzy, it's fine! I've had paper cuts worse than this!"

Holtz flinched and froze, her heart rate rising in her ears. "No." She decided, her voice suddenly shaky and hard. "You're putting this on." She tore open a bandage and stuck it on Patty's hand before Patty could protest.

"Whooh. Doctor Holtzy ain't taking no one's shit!"

"That's a double negative." Erin said, walking back into the room.

"I don't goof around when it comes to injuries." Holtz said, her head still swimming.

"Alright. Hey, that's fair." Patty said. She looked down to inspect her band-aid. "Man, these faces are creepy!"

Holtzmann gripped the edge of a lab table facing the wall, so no one could see her. She pretended to be looking down into a small box on the table. She hasn't heard anyone use that paper cut phrase before, except for Sivan. And with that one line, Patty just tore her entire world open.

 _Don't die, you piece of shit. I love you._

Holtz quietly let out one of her frustrated honks, squeezing her fist and pressing it down on the table. How could Patty be such an idiot and think it was okay to not treat a wound like that?

 _I've had paper cuts worse than this._

"No." Holtz said quietly, telling her brain to shut the hell up. That sentence had been hilarious at the time. The best comic relief imaginable after believing her best friend and lover had been shot. Truly the last good laugh they had together, before she watched the only person that mattered to her die slowly from an infection of that same damn "paper cut" two weeks later.

There was no doubt in Holtz's mind that it was her own fault. Who used up the alcohol from the first aid kit to make an acid squirt gun? She did. Who was that bullet intended for in the first place? Her, of course. Who pissed off Nox to begin with? Exactly. From every angle she looked at it, it was her own fault. She could've screamed a little harder to get Nox's attention to tell him Seven needed help, even though her throat was already screamed raw. She could've punched and pounded the door a little harder, even after her fists left blood prints on the door.

"Stop, stop, stop." She told herself, shaking her head with each word.

"Hey, are you okay?"

Holtz nearly jumped out of her skin.

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to startle you. It looked like you were crying." Erin said, noting Holtz's stone cold face. "My bad."

Holtzmann looked down at the lab equipment in front of her. "NEVER startle a nuclear scientist."

"Right. That's good advice."

"Never."

"Sorry." Erin looked kind of sad and apologetic.

Holtzmann tried to turn it around by making an explosion noise with her mouth and gesturing with her hands.

Erin laughed.

Her smile brightened Holtzy's mood, but also made her feel guilty at the same time.

No, Sivan would be happy that she was moving on. Sivan would be cheering them on from the sidelines. What if she had sex with Erin tonight and Sivan was watching them as a ghost? What if- Holtz cut her train of thought short before it got too weird. Something she does a couple hundred times a day.

Besides, she didn't think Erin would go all the way with her tonight. Holtz got the strong feeling that Erin has never been with a woman before. What if she opened herself up to Erin and Erin decided she didn't like it? She decided she was going to keep her clothes on tonight and make her purpose pleasuring Erin. Then Erin could decide if she liked it or not, and Holtzy wouldn't get hurt.

"Hey, um, I found a few pieces of something in your uniform pocket, something that looks like a circuit board? Can you come get them and see if there's anything else in your pockets before I wash it?" Erin asked.

"Oh, sure." Holtz didn't remember losing a circuit board. Not recently, anyway. She followed Erin to the designated "laundry room" which was really just part of what would be the kitchen if this were still a restaurant. "Where is it?" Holtz asked, looking around the room for the uniforms. They were already in the wash.

"There are no circuit boards." Erin said once they were out of earshot. "I just wanted to ask you something that I don't want Abby and Patty to hear."

"Oh. You fooled me."

"Good. What time are you coming over later?"

"…What time do you want me over? I kind of go by the bus schedules."

"Don't you have a car?"

"No."

"Really? I thought you did."

"I did. It's… sort of "on loan" with a sort of "roommate" who may or may not be involved with the "Italian mafia" and I may or may not ever be "getting it back"". Holtz made air quotes.

"…The MAFIA?"

Holtz grinned. "Okay, I made that part up. I mean, he could be. I don't know. Some gang activity, that's for sure. Some shit I don't want to get involved in."

"Your roommate is a man?"

"College friend. He doesn't actually live there. But he has a key, which scares me sometimes. But he's never there and pays half the bills so, win-win."

"Holtzy, that's dangerous."

"I know." She grinned.

"Why don't you just come home with me?"

She shrugged. "Okay. Are we doing dinner?"

"Of course."

"I still got a lotta packing work to do."

"Me too. Alright, I'll go out first, you hang back so it looks like you were emptying your pockets." Erin suggested.

"Sneaky. That's sexy."

The small, unashamed smile on Erin's face was one of the most innocently sexiest things Holtz has seen in a while. It was only after Erin was out the door that the full weight of this really landed on Holtzy. She sat down on the floor against the low window.

She let it sink in. She was going to potentially have sex with someone soon. A woman. Holtz preferred women, but she didn't mind men. Actually, most of her life she spent hating both. Until she and Sivan tried it, just because they both wanted to know what it was like to be touched out of love. To have the power to say no. It was an entirely different experience from what they went through on a daily basis. It was hot and wet and mind-blowing.

Holtz wanted to have that with Erin, too. But first she had to get past that fear of being touched. That was kind of a problem. It was different with Sivan, because they went through all those horrors together. Sivan understood how being touched in certain ways might make Holtz uncomfortable because Sivan was triggered by the same things. They went through everything together, they were often bought by the same people and raped by the same person in the same room together, even sometimes being forced to pleasure each other for the buyer's viewing purposes. It was all fake, of course. Even when it was Sivan touching her, Holtz had to fake it every time unless they were alone together.

And technically, Holtz hasn't "been with" anyone since the last time she was raped, just over six years ago. She's shut down almost all thoughts about Sivan that have come up since then, since they were too painful. So, she's kind of forgotten how it feels to be loved. Not even on a physical level, but on an emotional level.

Only one person has loved her in the past seventeen years. And she's forgotten what that feels like.

~/~


	9. Tell Me My Secrets

~/~

To sum up Holtzy's day, she saw her younger brother for the first time in seventeen years, she learned her mother is dying of cancer, she kissed the woman she's extremely attracted to, she got in a fight with the woman she's extremely attracted to, she nearly passed out from a flashback and allowed herself to think about Sivan for the first time in ages, and that woman she's extremely attracted to potentially wants to have sex at some point tonight and is sitting right next to her on the couch.

Oh, and she almost saw a ghost frog. She decided to add that one because it was also very exciting for her.

Not her most eventful day ever, but it's definitely on the list. She sat on Erin's couch with her glasses on since Erin hadn't turned down any lights this time. She was acting relaxed: her feet up on the coffee table and her arms stretched across the back of the couch, but inside her stomach was jumping at every move Erin made.

Erin sat stiff and jittery, not quite sure what Holtz was planning.

Holtzmann looked at Erin and drew a casual deep breath. Erin watched Holtz's chest move with it. "So what do you wanna watch?" Holtzmann gestured to the TV.

"Oh. Um. I- I don't really know what's on at this hour." Erin said quickly.

"…It's primetime."

"Right… here, you can find something you like." She passed the remote to Holtz.

Holtz skipped past all the news channels and sitcom channels and into what Erin referred to as "the unknown" of the television channels. All the channels you pay for but can't really opt out of. Finally, she stopped on a channel and rested the remote on her stomach.

"Cake Boss?" Erin asked.

Holtz nodded, then spoke as if she were telling the most interesting story in the world. "I knew a guy who owned a taco truck. He got me started on this show but he introduced it to me as "porn"" She grinned wide.

"…What?"

"I guess in the food industry… it's similar to an astrophysicist watching the death of a star, or the collision of galaxies." She put it in terms Erin would understand.

"Ohh. Are you into astrophysics?"

"Am I into astrophysics? Is a Pringle a delicious parabola that comes in 4 assorted flavors?"

"Um…yes?"

Holtzmann winked.

"Oh, I get it!" Erin said suddenly, "Your winks aren't always seductive. I've just been… kind of interpreting them that way…" She admitted. "They're more of like a nod or- or something."

"For you, Erin Gilbert… they are something different than when I wink at anyone else."

A very small shiver went up Erin's spine. "I could see your winks better if you take the glasses off."

"I could take the glasses off if you would turn the lights down. Otherwise I'd get a headache and this whole day has kind of been one big headache."

"Maybe I can kill two birds with one stone." Erin said, getting up and heading towards the light switch.

"Huh?"

Erin cringed at her own words. "Sorry. I'm trying to sound… sexy but I'm failing miserably. I'm not very good at-"

"You could say "Rumplestiltskin's bunions" and it would still be sexy." Holtz said.

Erin laughed out loud.

"Anything you say is sexy. That's kind of torturous working with you every day."

"What if I said… Donald Trump?"

"I was wrong." Holtz said immediately. "That's very unsexy. Even when you say it. Don't ever do that again."

"I tasted copper in my mouth from those words alone. I feel like I need a shower now."

Holtz's eyebrows raised.

"Not really." Erin clarified, grinning. She sat back down next to Holtzmann, one leg folded under her so she could face Holtzy better. She reached across and gently took the glasses from Holtzy's head, with a little help from Holtz. "Doesn't it bother you? Seeing everything in yellow?"

"Not as much as a migraine. My eyes adjust."

"Is it really that bad?"

"I passed out once from glancing at the sun. On accident."

"Jesus. And that's all from a head injury? I mean, like, you didn't need glasses before that?"

Holtz held the glasses in her hand. "They're not prescription or anything. Nothing special. Just yellow lenses." She shrugged.

Erin had been hoping to get her talking more about her past, since she was really curious. She cleared her throat. "I was reading an article about, um-"

"Chocolate robots?"

"No-"

"Banana sleds?"

"No-"

"Human trafficking?" Holtz had known the answer. She could tell by Erin's eyes.

Erin's heart skipped. "Y- um, y… you saw the tab, didn't you?" She said very quietly.

"Yeah."

"Are you mad?"

"Kinda."

That wasn't the answer Erin was expecting. "Really? I was just trying to do some research-"

"Research is good if you wanna learn about a broad topic. Not a person. You could've asked me."

"Would you have answered?"

"No."

"…Wh-?"

"Look, it's something that… is just too broad a subject for you to get any useful information about me from web articles. It's something that I'd have to tell you, the more I trust you. That takes time. But when you go and read shit online, you get false ideas. You probably read stories about women getting pregnant and having children in the ring. That's not true in every case, and it's not true with me. You probably saw some statistic about how many survivors have HIV or are dying of AIDS. Again, that's not me. I'd rather you hear these things from me. I bet you didn't read about the times I lived on the streets, not being held captive by anyone. I bet you didn't read about what goes on backstage at an auction. When you do a google search with me in mind, and you read things that don't even pertain to me, then I feel uncomfortable being around you, because there's no way of knowing what you're thinking about me."

Erin was frozen. That was easily the most heartfelt, real thing she's ever heard Holtzmann say. It didn't sound like the Holtzmann she knew. The goofball. The charming weirdo. The scientist. This came from Holtzmann, the person.

She scanned Holtzmann's eyes, which reflected everything Holtz was feeling. No more walls. Undoubtedly this was on purpose. Holtzmann could put up walls if she wanted. Looking into her eyes, Erin got the sense of a little weakness, but also firmness, that Holtz was going to stand her ground on this. Erin suddenly felt like she knew nothing at all.

"Holtzmann… I'm so sorry." She whispered. She wanted to tell Holtzmann about how her little speech had just broken Erin's heart wide open. "I didn't mean to… to assume things or upset you; I feel awful-"

Holtz cut her off with a finger to Erin's lips. "Forget what you read." She said softly, taking her finger away.

"Done." Erin said. "I… I wanna learn about it. But I wanna hear it from you. In time. You; nobody else."

"Do you trust me?" Holtz whispered.

"Yes." Erin was surprised by how quick her own answer was.

Holtz was slowly leaning closer. "Then I want you to not think about me with anybody but you, right now."

Erin could anxiously feel another kiss coming, and she leaned in to close the gap between them. Nothing in her life had ever felt more right. And she certainly never felt this way with any man. Suddenly, the memory of having a penis inside her was not even a turn on compared to the thought alone of Holtzmann's dainty but skilled fingers. The fine motor skills of fiddling with parts and gadgets all day, combined with how strong and steady her hands must be to "play" with chemicals that could blow up the building in an instant…

She felt Holtzmann push her shirt down over her shoulder, but she quickly realized it was out of concern, not lust.

"You did get hurt." Holtzmann said, as if confirming something she suspected. She ran her hand delicately over a bruise. "From the toilet at the hoarder's house. Does it hurt?" She poked it tenderly.

"A little. You really know how to work the mood, though. Throwing around words like toilet and hoarder when we're like this." Erin laughed.

"Oh, sorry." Holtz said softly. Just when Erin thought the sexytalk mood was tarnished, Holtz added suggestively, "I'll be gentle." She lowered her lips to where Erin's exposed shoulder met her neck and kissed softly.

Erin fell into rhythm. She ran her hands up Holtzmann's back, holding her there.

Holtzmann let her mouth trail down to Erin's collarbone, and she could feel Erin's heart racing. She lifted her mouth back up to Erin's to soothe her. Erin leaned forward to deepen the kiss. Her hands trailed up Holtzmann's sides, brushing her breasts like she had done to Erin earlier.

Holtzmann spread her hand on Erin's back between her shoulder blades and gently urged Erin to lean backward against the arm of the couch. Holtz easily supported Erin's weight with one hand and lowered her back against the pillow. Erin was somewhere between sitting and laying, though it was closer to sitting. Holtzmann was kneeled between her legs, leaning over Erin with her arms supporting her on the arm of the couch.

Erin pulled away slightly from the kiss, hoping Holtzmann would take the hint and continue that kiss on her collarbone.

Holtzmann got the hint. While her head was lowered, Erin tried something she had been wondering about. She gently worked the hair tie out of Holtzmann's hair, and the blond locks spilled over Holtzy's shoulders.

Holtzmann slowly raised her head to Erin.

Erin took in the full view. She had never thought of Holtzmann before as having the blond-hair-blue-eyes thing. But she did have that blond hair that fell in slight curls, and light blue eyes that seemed more and more expressive by the minute. Holtz was no classic beauty, she was her own thing. And it was the most beautiful thing Erin had ever seen.

"You should wear your hair down more often." Erin said.

"Maybe just for you. Can't have it falling into something explosive enough to potentially create quark-gluon plasma on a level observable on the single particle spectra or through elliptic flow. Or, catching on fire." She said in a quiet, husky voice.

"...I understood every word of that." Erin breathed, raising her head to pull Holtz back into a kiss.

With their lips still locked, Holtz's hand strayed down the front of Erin's shirt and just over the zipper of her jeans so she could slip her hand up under the shirt. She ran her hand on Erin's smooth stomach and pressed lightly, earning a very small gasp from Erin. She had hit just the right spot where all the butterflies were.

Erin began to relax and felt Holtz's hand brush over the outside front of her shirt. Holtz broke the kiss and Erin opened her eyes, realizing that Holtz had just undone all the buttons on Erin's shirt in one motion.

Holtzmann made one of her adorably dorky sounds as she looked over Erin's black bra. She let her hands explore Erin's exposed skin while she lowered her head to Erin's neck and laid a line of kisses down to the top edge of the bra.

She lifted her head. "Are you okay?"

"Yes." Erin was confused.

"I meant, is this okay?"

"Oh. Absolutely."

"Okay. I know you haven't done this before… with a girl."

"I haven't." She said, aware of the rise and fall of her chest so close to Holtzmann's face.

"Okay. I have to tell you something right now, though."

"…What is it?" Erin started to get concerned.

"I just wanted to tell you ahead of time… this is probably going to be… mostly one sided tonight. I want to make sure you know you're into this before I open up to you and get hurt. Okay? So if you… try something on me and I pull away, please don't be offended. It's not you." She took a deep breath. "Is… is that okay?"

Her voice was so small and insecure that Erin wanted nothing more than to tell her that everything was okay. "When… when will it be two sided?"

Holtzmann took a shallow breath like she didn't want to answer that. "When you're sure this is what you want. After your first time."

"And then you'll let me return the favor, for whatever you do to me?" Erin asked.

Holtzmann drew her head back, her eyes turning red and quickly filling with tears. She pulled back, out of Erin's legs, apologizing.

Erin sat up, alarmed, the air cool on her chest where Holtz had left kisses. "Holtz, hey. What's wrong?"

Holtzmann turned her face away, apologizing again.

Erin put a hand on her shoulder and Holtz seemed to slightly lean into it, despite the fact that she looked like she was trying to pull away. "Hey. What are you apologizing for?"

She took in a breath. "It's not fair of me to expect you to open up, without promising that I will in return. I can't promise that."

"What do you mean?"

"I… I want you. I really do. But I can't promise that when it comes time for you to… to return the favor… I can't promise that I won't… associate that feeling with – with all the negative experiences I've had. You were right, earlier. I'm still too traumatized to be intimate." She dropped her head, looking down at her lap, ashamed.

Erin sat up the rest of the way and looked over Holtz's delicate form. She wondered how anyone in the world could ever want to hurt her this badly. Her instinct was to pull her into a hug, but she wasn't sure how Holtz would react to that.

She put an arm around Holtzy's shoulders and leaned back into the couch cushions, hoping Holtz would do the same. "C'mere." She urged gently. Holtz slowly leaned back, but she was still stiff and she held her knuckles to her mouth with worry. Her blue eyes were distant, staring at the darkened screen of the TV.

"Holtzy, listen to me. I know that you're hurt, but that doesn't mean you're damaged or broken or whatever. I wasn't right. You can't possibly be too traumatized to be intimate because this, this is intimate. Just sitting here in my arms. When we kissed, that was intimate. And you were fine."

"I pulled away. All three times." She pointed out.

"Well, no one should expect it to be an immediate recovery. You probably haven't been with too many people since… since you escaped. And… that's not something anyone can possibly get over very quickly-"

"None." Holtzy said softly, her eyes still a blank façade, staring straight forward.

"What's none?"

Holtzmann drew a silent deep breath. "The number of people I've been with. In the last six years."

Erin took this in. She wasn't as surprised as she thought she'd be, considering how guarded someone would have to be after being a literal slave for over a decade. Still, Erin thought about her own needs and sexual experiences over the last six years and had to wonder if this was because Holtzmann was too scared physically, or just couldn't let someone in, emotionally?

"You mean like, romantically or-"

"-sexually." Holtz finished. "Both."

"You haven't, like, gone on a date or anything in six years?"

Holtzmann pulled her hand away from her mouth a little bit, seeming to wake out of her trance a little. "I haven't been on a date ever."

"What?"

"I guess, I mean some boy took me to the middle school graduation dance. But I was twelve and he was fourteen and I think his parents made him do it."

Something about that made Erin smile just a little bit. It was cute, and innocent. And, it reminded her of when she found out her parents were paying the neighbor's kids to be friends with her. Some of the only real friends she ever had, or, thought she had. "Was he cute?" Erin asked in an almost teasing kind of way.

The corner of Holtz's lips turned up in the smallest smile. "At that age, I was more interested in stellar nucleosynthesis."

"You really are into astrophysics."

"True as toast."

"So… you've really never been on a date?"

Holtz shook her head, leaning back into Erin a little more.

That led Erin to a conclusion she should've seen coming. "You…" She tried to think of a way to phrase it. "you've never… made love before… have you? I mean… when you actually wanted to." She asked as gently as possible.

Holtz turned her head away for a second, and Erin was terrified that she had upset her. "I have." Holtz said, turning back and looking Erin right in the eyes for the first time this whole conversation. "Just one other person. A friend from the ring."

Erin was startled when Holtz finally looked her in the eyes. "Oh, well that's good. To at least have that. But… you're saying that potentially… I would be the second person to ever make love to you."

Holtzmann nodded and looked back down in her lap. "I can't promise when that will be, though." She had her arms folded protectively across her chest. She held Erin's left hand, which was around Holtz's shoulders, in her right hand. "So are you saying that you're gonna give this a chance?"

"Are you saying you're gonna let me, and not be afraid of hurting my feelings by saying no? Can you stop thinking that you're… insulting me somehow? Or that you're not good enough just because you're working through something I can't possibly understand? Give yourself some credit, Holtzy."

Holtzmann looked at the carpet for a long time, completely lost in her own thoughts of god-knows-what. Erin gave her time and tucked a piece of Holtz's hair behind her ear. Finally, Holtzmann said, "You had a boyfriend recently, didn't you? When we met?"

"Yeah?"

"And you broke up with him?"

"I thought you saw that happen. I thought everyone saw that, in the middle of the street."

"I wasn't sure if that was final. I hear couples break up and get back together on a weekly basis."

Erin couldn't help but laugh, about to correct Holtzmann's socially naïve mind, when she realized that, when it averages out, that was probably true. "Well, he might think we're getting back together, but it's definitely not happening. Why are you so worried? Do you think I'd get back together with him while I'm involved with you?"

"Are we involved?" Holtz asked innocently.

Erin looked down at her unbuttoned shirt and her almost-bare chest. "Gee, I'd say so." She joked.

Holtzmann gave a small, uncomfortable laugh. "I'm not worried about you getting back with him. I'm worried… how he might react if he thinks you're still together and he finds out you're not. Especially if he finds out you're with me. I don't want him to… get angry at you and, and…"

"Holtzmann, do you think he's going to hurt me?"

"Should I think he's NOT going to?"

"He's not that kind of person. He won't hurt me. I promise you. Not all men are violent, you know." After the words left her mouth, Erin realized with a sick feeling that Holtz had probably been given plenty of reasons to believe all men are violent. She wanted to take it back.

"I know," Holtzmann said. "there's plenty of women like that, too."

Erin pulled her arm tighter around Holtz and whispered softly, "Holtzy… I don't know who's hurt you… but I promise you don't have to be afraid of someone hurting me. And as long as you're here, I won't let anyone hurt you either."

Holtzmann slowly raised her head until her mouth was near Erin's ear. She whispered in the same soft tone, "…God, that was corny." Then she pecked Erin's cheek with a kiss.

Erin burst out laughing. "Jeez, it was, wasn't it?" She did make note of how Holtz always seemed to answer incredibly serious moments with out-of-place humor. She did have a knack for unexpected humor, though.

Holtzmann turned to her. "For real though." She sounded incredibly serious, so Erin perked up, ready to get back on a serious topic. "Did you want me to help finish you? Or did you want me to leave so you can finish yourself? Or are you just gonna sit there?" She winked.

"Oh. I… the first one." She said so quickly her words slurred. "Sorry. I'm nervous."

Holtzmann got up and walked towards the kitchenette.

"Where are you going?" Erin followed her. She entered the kitchen to find Holtzmann digging around the bottom of the pantry. "What are you looking for?"

"VODKA." Holtzmann emphasized over the sound of the dishwasher running. She found a bottle that she knew was there and turned around, a few inches from Erin's face. "DO YOU HAVE ANY- oh." She said when she realized how close to Erin she was. "Sorry. Shot glasses."

"Yes." Erin put a hand to her ear and opened a cupboard. She brought the two small glasses out to the coffee table and Holtz followed with the bottle.

"Don't worry. The only thing I ever drop in people's drinks are those little capsules that grow into a sponge animal." Holtz said. She was used to being grateful when she watched someone drug her drink, because it meant she might not have to remember it the next day.

Erin laughed and poured the shots. "To Ghostbusting?" She suggested.

"To kicking ass." Holtzmann specified.

"To kicking ass." Erin agreed, then the both downed the shots and slammed the glasses back to the table.

"Just one." Erin said. "I wanna remember this, but I don't wanna be a self-conscious nervous wreck."

"You have no reason to be." Holtz muttered to herself.

"What?"

"You have no reason to be self-conscious. You're beautiful."

Erin was about to answer but Holtz was suddenly very close to her, gently pushing her shoulders back on the couch. She thought about asking if Erin wanted to use the bed but decided the couch was somehow sexier. Before Erin knew it, she was on her back except for her head and shoulders on a pillow, and Holtzmann was straddling her hips.

"Oh," Erin squeaked. Holtzmann put a finger to her lips.

"Tell me." Holtzy said in a low voice. "Do you want my help?"

"Yes." Erin said weakly. "Can I make a request, though?"

"What's up?"

"Um, no oral stuff… for today. I usually don't do that the first time with someone."

Holtzmann shrugged. "If you change your mind, say the word."

Erin began to contemplate what that word was, but was distracted when Holtzmann pushed Erin's shirt open wide again, kissed Erin deeper than before, and hooked three fingers into the front of Erin's jeans a tugged, right below Holtz's own legs.

Erin easily seconded what she thought earlier: no man had ever made her feel quite like this before.

~/~


	10. Toys & Ghosts

"This is so not what I had in mind." Patty said, walking into the firehouse, where they had just finished moving everything in. She was carrying two large paper bags.

Holtzmann walked next to her, grinning.

"There are four of us. FOUR. HUMANS. She talked me into buying enough food for four HORSES." Patty said to Abby. "And why ain't you carrying any of these?" She directed at Holtzmann.

"I have a condition." Holtzmann said. "That says I can't carry bags over ten pounds when there's someone else who can carry them."

"And what if there's not someone else who can carry them?"

"Then I carry it, of course."

Patty shoved one of the bags at Holtzmann so Holtz had to either take it or let all that food drop to the floor.

Holtzmann made a big show about holding the heavy bag low between her legs and waddling it over to the table, with a few well-placed grunts for added effect. "Where's Erin?"

"Upstairs, overseeing the moving guys put in the washer and dryer."

"Abby, can you believe Holtzy made me buy all this food? With MY credit card?"

"You probably have better credit than me." Holtz said.

"Do I believe it?" Abby repeated. "You've known her for a few months. I've known her for two years. Yes, I believe it. And you should probably get used to it."

Patty sighed, defeated. "Lunch is here."

The phone at the front desk rang. After two rings, Kevin picked it up. "Ghostbusters. Please give your address and describe your apparition."

Holtzmann threw a small piece of candy at Kevin from across the room with amazing accuracy for such a long distance. It landed on his desk and he gave Holtz a thumbs-up.

Abby turned to Holtzmann with her hands on her hips. "Did you train him?" She scolded.

"With humans, we call it positive reinforcement."

Abby rolled her eyes.

"He answered the phone, didn't he!?"

"HE IS NOT AN ANIMAL, HOLTZY!" Abby shouted, joking of course.

"Hey guys, um, this woman says there's a football-playing ghost in her store on 22nd." Kevin called.

The girls jumped into action. "Let's go!" Abby said. "Tell Erin to suit up!"

They clambered to the top of the stairs and ran towards the racks.

"Erin, put your clothes on!" Holtzmann shouted, translating Abby's request.

Erin jumped, startled, then saw the other three heading towards their suits on the racks. She jumped up and followed.

They were out the door and cruising down the street in under five minutes. Patty insisted on driving, since Holtzmann had put a massive dent in the bumper trying to back the car in yesterday. She hit a street lamp, about fifty feet from the garage.

"You're payin for that, you know." Patty reminded Holtzmann.

"The bumper is nonessential to neither safety nor driving experience."

"How the hell do you mess up that bad? The street lamp!?"

"It was dark out!"

"That means the street lamp was LIT UP! There is no excuse."

"Who let me drive in the first place?"

"You got in the front seat yourself."

"You let it happen." This whole time, Holtzmann, in the back seat with Erin, had been sliding her hand across the middle seat to Erin's thigh. When she finally reached her, Erin swatted her hand away, motioning to the other two up front. Holtzmann acted like a puppy with a hurt paw.

"Come on, Holtzy. My grandmother can drive better than you. If there was a body in the trunk right now, it could drive better than you. Hands. Down."

"Burn." Erin whispered to herself.

"Not my fault." Holtz insisted. "Why did you give the keys to someone who's had her license for exactly one year?"

"ONE year?" Patty turned around to look at Holtzy.

"Eyes- Patty, um – eyes on the road." Erin reminded nervously.

"Yes, one year." Abby muttered. "I had to drive her to work with me every day for the first year."

"And now I just take the bus." Holtzmann grinned, reaching up to play with Erin's hair.

"Why you touching her hair?" Patty asked, glancing in the rearview mirror.

"There's a twig in it." Holtzmann said, pulling her hand away and producing an actual twig. "See?"

Erin looked at it in surprise, blushed, and proceeded to comb through her hair with her fingers.

Holtzmann just winked at her.

Another five minutes later, they pulled up to the location, and Holtzmann's eyes lit up like a kid on Christmas. She gasped excitedly and grabbed Erin's shoulder, pointing out the window at the Toys R Us.

"Holtzy, try to control yourself." Abby said knowingly, without even having to look at Holtz.

"Are you kidding me?" Patty said, getting out of the car and sizing up the building.

Holtzmann got out and stood next to Patty. She got on her tip-toes and said right into Patty's ear, "Do you think. This is a joke?"

Startled, Patty pulled away and swatted her hand at Holtzmann's head. Holtzy ducked it expertly. "Watch where you swing that beautiful arm."

Patty frowned at her. "You were tickling my ear."

Holtzmann started grabbing the proton packs and handing them out, putting hers on last. The girls stood together at the entrance of the toy store.

"Whose turn is it?" Patty asked.

"Abby's." Erin said.

"Ok." Abby said, "Let's go."

Satisfied that they were coordinated on that, they headed into the building.

Holtzmann approached the counter with authority. The scrawny young man behind the counter looked terrified. The store appeared to be evacuated, and when Holtz tilted her head the right way, she got a whiff telling her this man may have soiled himself. Well, that or that's just the natural scent of a Toys R Us. Kind of hard to suss that out without checking the man's pants or smelling the entire store. Neither of which Holtz was really into right now. "Where's the ghost?"

"I- in the back. By the electronics."

"Is it harming anyone?"

"No, well, sort of. He's was eating the rubber duckies straight out of the bins."

"Straight out of the bins?" Holtzmann repeated sarcastically. "As opposed to…?"

The man looked even more confused and seemed like he wanted to cry.

"That's actually pretty horrifying." Abby said quietly to Erin.

There was a loud crash from the back of the building.

"Let's go." Erin directed, walking away, and the others followed.

"It wasn't your turn to say that, by the way." Abby muttered. "It was Patty's."

"I want nothing to do with this." Patty said.

"I have those." Holtzmann said, completely oblivious to the conversation going on. She pointed to a set of Spider-Man bed sheets.

Patty hung back so she was walking next to Holtzmann. While Abby and Erin argued, Patty said, "You know, Holtzy, I feel like ten years from now, when I've gotten to know you for a decade, I will still not be able to predict anything you say or do."

"I like to keep you on your toes. Especially you, Patty." Holtz patted her shoulder.

"Ohh, boy." Erin said as they approached a shimmering-green bloated clown looking ghost.

"Dude, I've seen this before; it's one of the fat twins from Alice in Wonderland." Holtzmann whispered to Patty.

And sure enough, the ghost was chowing on some rubber duckies that had assorted little hats and costumes. He wasn't exactly eating them, though. The ducks melted to liquid plastic as he chewed them, making a soft hiss sound as they dripped to the floor.

"This is one of the saddest things I have ever seen." Abby said.

"…I don't think he sees us." Erin said.

The girls moved behind different displays and aisles. Erin ducked behind a stack of large mini-trampoline boxes, Patty crouched behind the kickball rack, Abby peeked over the edge of a bunch of water balloon boxes, and Holtzmann crouched on a mini trampoline next to Erin, not quite hiding.

"Holtzmann!" Erin whispered, motioning urgently for Holtz to get behind the boxes with her.

With one last sad little bounce, Holtzmann waddled off the trampoline and slid next to Erin, making sure their shoulders touched. Much closer than normal friends would sit. As they tried to stay quiet, Holtzmann tapped Erin's knee with her own.

Suddenly, Erin's phone started ringing loudly.

Holtzmann cringed and squeezed her eyes shut, remembering that she had meant to call her brother. Also remembering how much she was dreading that call.

It continued ringing, and Erin quickly checked the caller ID.

"Turn it off!" Abby whispered loudly as the ghost turned his head and started drifting angrily towards them.

"I need to take this!" Erin whispered back.

"Are you serious!? Right now?"

"…Yes!"

Holtzmann caught a glimpse of the screen. She saw the word "Columbia" on it. "Don't answer that."

"Why not?"

"You have a job."

"How do you know they're gonna offer me my job back? Maybe I just left something in my office."

Holtz had to agree, it was a stretch of a conclusion to jump to.

Erin ducked lower behind the trampoline boxes and pressed the phone to her cheek. "Hello?" She said in a hushed voice.

Holtzmann looked at the glowing proton pack resting on the shoulders of the physicist. The same shoulders she had her hands on last night. Well, when her hands weren't busy with other things. Holtzmann had yet to get a vibe for how Erin felt about last night. She wasn't sure if it was because Erin wasn't giving away anything to signal how she felt, or because Holtzy didn't know the proper social cues enough to read Erin. Last night, the alcohol didn't seem to do as much for Erin as she would have liked. She was a blushing, somewhat self-conscious hot mess. Holtz did everything she possibly could to make Erin more comfortable, but ultimately the sex itself relaxed them both to the point where they were puddles in each other's arms. Holtz has never taken alcohol well, and she ended up admitting that she got off just by watching Erin. Erin fell asleep in Holtz's arms and it would've been a cliché, except Holtz couldn't sleep due to the fact that they were on a couch and Holtz was on the outside, her leg being the only thing holding her up, and therefore the only thing keeping Erin asleep just inches from her. Holtz never got it when people said someone looks "peaceful" when they sleep. To Holtz, everyone just looks blank. Except for Abby. Abby looks like she's trying to catch blueberries in her mouth. Or whatever other small fruit was available for Holtzmann to throw. But Erin also just looked blank, and Holtz liked that. It shows a person in their purest form. It gave Holtz a blank canvas to imagine Erin smiling, or standing up for herself by telling someone off. Those were her favorite Erin faces.

But this morning Erin gave little clue to how she felt. It didn't seem like she regretted it, but she also wasn't too receptive when Holtzmann kissed her cheek as she was waking up. After living in hell, or, "purgatory", as she called it, Holtz grew able to let most negativity bounce right off her. Today, the outer layer of Holtzmann was on a high because she technically had sex last night for the first time in six years, and it was consensual, and it was with a woman, and Holtz didn't freak out. The upbeat shift in her mood was noticeable by everyone around her. But inner Holtzmann was absorbing every move Erin made and analyzing it and turning out a hundred possibilities of what it could mean. Inner Holtzmann was shaking, anxious and on the verge of tears wondering if she did something wrong, but her smile would never tell you that.

Holtz lowered her eyes away from Erin's shoulders, and decided that she would sometime like to tell Erin that she had a perfect body. Those words went well together, and it was a double win because "Erin" and "perfection" contained the same letters, and in the right order, and Holtzmann was very fond of word tricks like that.

"Can I – Look I'm really sorry but can I call you back?" Erin whispered into the phone.

A frustrated Abby waved urgently.

"I'm in the middle of something- it's an emergency." Erin said. "…Yes, for real." They technically did arrive here with lights and sirens.

The puddle of melted toy ducks beneath the ghost had grown larger. "I'm gonna cry." Abby said, her face already scrunching up and her features outlining in red.

Holtzmann grinned, then as the smell of burnt plastic reached her, she was reminded of something awful that happened in purgatory, her smile faltered, then it came back again. Shit like that happened at least once a day, where she's reminded of something awful. And she's proud that very few of them ever make her cry anymore. She lowered her head and whispered "Higgs-Boson" to herself. A coping mechanism. Then she giggled, since that always reminded her of some joke with another friend involving a Higgs particle and a Boson pun.

Patty frowned at her curiously. Abby knew what it was.

Then Patty's face changed to pure horror. Holtzmann shot her a questioning look right before a large splash of liquid soaked her back and neck. She slowly lifted her head to see the ghost hovering right over her, looking down on her.

"Please tell me that was ectoplasm and not ducks." She said.

"It was ectoplasm." Abby whispered.

Holtz breathed a sigh of relief as she reached for her proton wand and lifted it from the pack.

The ghost let out a wail that started off quiet but built up.

Erin hung up her phone and all four girls charged their packs and aimed their proton wands at the ghost.

"Whose turn is it to say "let's go"?" Abby called out as books and magazines began to fly off the shelves around them as the ghost gathered external energy.

"I thought it was mine." Erin said.

"No you stole Patty's turn. I think it's my turn."

"Guys?" Holtzmann said.

"Who said it when we were outside?" Patty asked.

"Abby did." Erin said.

"No, you did!"

"Hey, let's just say it all together." Patty suggested. "On three."

"ON three or right after three?" Abby asked.

"Guys!" Holtzmann used her serious voice, just seconds before the ghost reared back and let out a roar.

Only, it was like a little lion cub roar.

"…Aww. That was kind of cute." Abby said.

"It would've been cute if it wasn't a clown-looking fat almost spherical ghost with stains on his shirt." Erin said.

"…That was it?" Holtzmann asked the ghost.

Suddenly the stack of mini-trampoline boxes blew outwards, sending Holtzmann flying back into a shelf of Lego sets. Boxes toppled onto her, but she reached for her proton wand and shoved boxes aside, firing from the awkward position she landed in.

The other three already had their proton beams wrapped around the ghost. Holtz detached the ghost trap from the bottom of her pack and kicked it away from her. Erin opened it with her foot and together all four of them lowered the ghost into the trap. Erin shut it with impeccable timing.

"Whoo!" Patty cried, looking at the steaming trap.

"That was easy!" Abby sounded pleasantly surprised.

"Easy for you to say." Holtzmann said, finally taking a moment to assess the damages and catch her breath, which had been knocked out of her.

The other three walked over. "You okay?" Patty asked.

"Wow, these things usually fall over when someone goes flying into it." Erin noted the shelving units were still exactly where they had been, albeit a bit dented.

"You've mistaken my current situation with Hollywood." Holtzmann said. "It would've been better if they fell over. That means they would've ab-"

"Absorbed the impact." Erin finished. "Right."

"Hey, I said are you okay?" Patty repeated.

"I think it's fine." Holtzmann said, patting the proton pack. "I designed the frame to take impacts like this."

"No, YOU. Physical being. Jillian F Holtzmann."

"What does the F stand for?" Erin asked.

"Ask Patty. She just made it up."

"It sounded right."

"I like Felipe. Or Francois." Holtzmann said, reaching for the hand Patty held out to help her up. Holtz looked up just in time to flinch and cover her face as one huge Lego box fell from the top shelf and struck Patty on the back of the head.

"Shit!" Patty cried, turning to look at the box that landed on the floor. "These things are light as hell, Holtzmann, get off your ass!"

Holtzmann picked up a box and popcorned it between her hands playfully, amused. "The boxes didn't hurt."

"Yeah I think the iron shelf… was more our worry." Erin said, but now Patty and Holtzmann were hitting a Lego Castle set back and forth like a volleyball.

"Are you gonna pay for that?" A man's nasally voice came, and they turned to see a man with a small, neat beard, large eyebrows, and a yellow polo shirt. His nametag read Manager.

"Wasn't planning on it." Patty said, letting the box fall the ground with a loud SLAP.

"What do you think you're doing in here?"

Erin looked incredulous. "We just saved your store from a ghost."

"Yeah but did you have to make such a mess doing it?"

"Yes." Holtzmann said enthusiastically, though the other girls were a little pissed off at how much Holtz looked like she was enjoying this.

"Hey, even the fire department takes great measures to protect life and property. PROPERTY. I should've called the fire department, at least they know what they're doing!" He glared at Holtzmann.

"Hey! It's not her fault she was thrown-" Erin stepped between the manager and Holtzmann and began to get in his face.

Holtzmann came up behind her and leaned her elbow up on Erin's shoulder. "It's alright, babe." She said softly.

Erin's heart skipped realizing that Holtz had just called her babe in front of everyone. That's it, she thought, the secret's out.

But Holtz said it in a way that was so Holtzmann that she really could've been talking to anyone.

As they left the store, Patty carried the ghost trap triumphantly (while the other two argued over who gets to say "lets go", Patty and Holtzmann had decided to start taking turns with who gets to carry the ghost trap on the way out). Holtzmann picked up one of the large boxes containing the mini trampoline, mounted it up on top her proton pack, and carried it out with them on her shoulders. The manager said nothing.

Back at the station, Abby and Patty finished changing back into their regular clothes but Holtzmann lingered, waiting for Erin. Holtz decided to suck up her fears and confront Erin.

Only, Holtz's way of confronting involved kissing Erin briefly on the lips when Erin turned around.

All of Holtzmann's doubts and shaky feelings melted away when Erin grabbed her shoulders before she could pull back, and leaned in to continue the kiss. She held her lips softly to Holtzmann's, sort of a thank you for last night. Then she parted her lips and Holtz did the same. Holtzmann opened an eye to glance towards the stairs, afraid Abby or Patty might come up. She had to pull away from Erin to laugh though when she saw that Erin also had just opened an eye and was watching the stairs.

They both were laughing quietly. When it died down, Holtzmann whispered, "I guess that means you're not mad at me?"

Erin looked startled and frowned. "No, Holtzmann why would I be mad at you?"

"…That's what I was wondering."

"I'm sorry if I seemed… distant today. It's just a lot to think about. To worry about. I mean," She gave a small laugh."I really, REALLY enjoyed last night. And realizing I'm a… a lesbian, is a lot to work through, personally.

Holtzmann was almost in tears with relief. She hugged Erin close and whispered, "Take your time. Whatever you need."

Erin laughed softly. "You don't have to be so dramatic about it. I just need you. How's your back from being thrown earlier?"

"I might need a massage or something. Who was on the phone?"

"...The Dean at Columbia."

"What did they want?"

"...To offer my job back."

Holtzmann snorted a laugh.

"Holtz... I'm gonna call them back... I'm considering it."

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	11. Hold Me Closer: Erin's Backstory

_Previously: "Who was on the phone?"_

 _"...The Dean at Columbia."_

 _"What did they want?"_

 _"...To offer my job back."_

 _Holtzmann snorted a laugh._

 _"Holtz... I'm gonna call them back... I'm considering it."_

~/~

Holtzmann slowly looked up at Erin. "Listen… I support you and whatever choices you wanna make, no matter what. But I don't support this. Or smoking, really, but mainly this."

"You smoke." Erin pointed out. She had taken a step back, a little surprised by Holtz's negative reaction. She kind of figured Holtz WOULD support her choices. Let's be honest. A career that pays up to 100k a year or a job – more like a summer camp – with her friends that… has she been paid yet? No, she hasn't. "That's a little hypocritical, don't you think?"

Holtz's voice dropped to that mature tone that always made Erin think she was a lot older than 33. "Okay, fine, I smoke maybe twice a year. Life sucks sometimes. I started by force and threat, because it's "sexy". Are you happy with that answer? The point is that I quit, just like you quit your job, and it ended well for everyone." Holtzmann clearly wasn't joking around anymore. The thought of losing the chance to spend every day with Erin scared her.

"First of all, I was fired… Second, I think careers and drug addiction are two very different things." Erin said modestly, afraid of making Holtzmann more upset. "Listen Holtzy, I don't think they're going to offer me my old job back. Probably something lower-level, part time. I worked over 8 years for my degree, I wanna use it. Not all of us can get a doctorate in three years like you."

Holtzmann crossed her arms stubbornly. She reminded Erin of a child, especially with her youthful face. It was odd to remember that the last thing she said was about drugs and rape in her life.

Erin took a deep breath, looking over Holtzy once more. "I'm gonna call them back. See what they want."

Holtzmann turned and walked away down the stairs without a word.

As Erin dialed her phone, Holtz's words echoed in her head, "life sucks sometimes."

~/~

It was almost half an hour before Erin descended the stairs. Everyone conspicuously ignored her. Holtz and Patty were playing foosball, and Abby was soldering something on a green circuit board.

"Hey, guys." Erin said.

Again, she was ignored. Holtzmann must've told everyone about the phone call.

"How's it going?"

"Traitor." Abby muttered.

"What was that?"

"You think you're going to leave us? Leave this?"

Patty shook her head in disapproval, looking down at the foosball table.

"…Can we sit? All of you guys, can we talk for a minute?"

"Why?" Abby said. "So you can tell us how unimportant we are to you-"

"I'm teaching one Particle Physics class, for one hour three days a week, at 10 am. Plus office hours. The rest of the time I'll be here. With you guys." She sighed.

Holtzmann turned her nose up in suspicion. "Monday Wednesday Friday?"

"Yes. Does that fit everyone's schedule?"

"No need to get sarcastic." Abby muttered, turning back to her soldering.

"So everyone's okay with me? Nobody's mad?"

"…Conference." Holtzmann said to Patty. She put an arm up on Patty's shoulder and turned them both around, facing away from Erin. "…Did you see the Bachelor last night?" She whispered.

"Girl, you know I did."

"Good. You gotta tell me about it later."

"You didn't watch it?"

"I missed it."

"What were you doing?"

Holtzmann looked stuck, and she quickly spun around and ended their conference. "Erin," She began, but it was secretly an answer to Patty's question. "You're on probation."

"Gee, thanks." Erin said, finally allowing herself to enter the room. "After I give you my credit card for lunch."

"What?" Patty said. "She used my credit card for lunch!"

"Holtzmann." Abby scolded.

"I like the way they look." Holtz said.

"You just like them because they're shiny." Patty concluded.

"They're reflective." All three other girls said at the same time.

"Wow." Patty shook her head. "I can't believe I work with a bunch of nerds."

~/~

Two months later, Erin was settling into her new school schedule, they had taken over 100 calls and determined that the ley lines were still hypercharged, causing more ghosts than usual to appear. Erin now considered Holtzmann her girlfriend, and they had sex at least once a week. Erin wouldn't have minded more, but she let Holtz lead, and Holtz was clearly still healing on a few different levels. So Erin didn't push it. Holtz had still never taken off more than her shirt, and she never, ever let Erin touch her below the waist. Abby and Patty were still oblivious.

Erin had spent the last few weeks preparing for her class and writing lessons and making power points.

`````111````

"Can you be honest with me?" Holtzmann said as she once again sat next to Erin on Erin's couch. She had also just interrupted Jeopardy, which was almost a sin.

"About what?"

Holtzmann tilted her head to look at Erin until Erin was forced to look back at her. She stared until her message was conveyed.

"Oh. Last night?" Erin said.

Holtz nodded.

Erin muted the TV and set the remote down on the coffee table. "Was there something specific you wanted to ask? Or were you just gonna sit there and look at me, cause that's kinda cute, too."

Holtzmann laughed a little bit, relieved. "Well I know you said this was a big deal for you, on a personal level. Just, about accepting who you are or whatever. How's that going?"

Erin leaned back against the couch and casually braced one foot on the edge of the coffee table. She linked her fingers together and rested them on top her head, looking as if she were just having a girl talk with a best friend. "Well, here's the conclusion I've reached. After so many years and so many experiences with men, and how much I enjoyed those times, there's no way I'm completely gay. But there also…" She tilted her head towards Holtzmann "is no way I'm not attracted to women as well."

"It's called bisexual." Holtzmann said helpfully.

"I know what it's called, you just beat me to my punch line." She playfully slapped Holtzmann's shoulder with the back of her hand. "…I think it's a little bit easier to accept. Even if I never get with a guy ever again. It's still good to know."

Holtzmann wondered what Erin was implying by saying she might never be with a man again.

"What about you?"

Holtzmann sat completely still. Some part of her was expecting this, and she'd thought it through enough by now to figure her own self out. But she'd never shared this with anyone, and she was a little afraid of having to explain this and make someone understand.

"Um…" Holtz exaggerated mouthing out the word, almost turning it into a yawn. "Same."

"Oh. Okay." Erin sounded so dissatisfied. "Can I ask how you knew? Just… since I'm kinda going through that."

"I'm sure it's different." Holtz said. "I guarantee it's different."

"…Well how was it for you?" Erin knew she was kind of pushing Holtz back to her "past", but that was partially the goal. She was still insatiably curious about what had happened to the young engineer. What sorts of things made up the worst parts of her life, what horrors she's lived through. How something like this could happen to a normal fifteen-year-old.

Holtz shifted on the couch. She brought her legs up and sat criss-cross. "I… I heard somewhere that so many, um, victims of um…"

"Trafficking?"

"Rape in general."

Something about the way Holtzmann said the word sent a sharp pain through Erin. Already, tears stung at her eyes and she didn't know why. Sometimes her tears were just a pride thing. Looking at the woman next to her and knowing that whatever she was about to describe, didn't matter because she survived, and she has still become this wonderful person that Erin was falling in love with.

"I read that rape victims are some-percentage-more-likely to become gay afterwards. Though I don't believe anyone "becomes" gay, I think a trauma like that just opens your mind to other possibilities. Everyone's a little gay, don't fool yourself." Holtz winked softly at Erin, but the pain was still written on her face. "I call myself bisexual because, although I don't think I'd ever get with a man again in my life, I know I liked boys before all this. Even at fifteen. And I like to think that… years in purgatory hasn't changed who I'm attracted to on a fundamental level. It wouldn't make sense anyway, to say I'm gay because I was hurt by so many men. I was hurt by both sexes. A lot." She kind of choked up on that last word. "And yeah, it was men a lot more often than women, and they tended to do more damage and be more disgusting, but I don't let that define men for me. Like I said, I would never do anything physical with a man again, but I'm still attracted to them sometimes. It's just nicer to think that purgatory hasn't been able to permanently alter my mind on such a fundamental level as to change who I'm attracted to. Does any of that make sense?"

Erin was loving this openness. "So you're bisexual?"

"To you, I am, because now you know the story behind it. To everyone else, I'm gay, because I'd only date women, and it keeps the weirdos away. Well, except you." She grinned.

"Gee, thanks." Erin smiled back. "Does Abby know?"

"Does Abby know what?"

"That you consider yourself gay."

"…probably? I don't think I've ever had to say it before, but she doesn't ask me about guys.

"Okay. Your turn." Holtz said before Erin could ask anything else.

"My turn what?"

"Tell me something revealing about yourself. You know relationships work both ways, right?"

"Wow, I mean, there's not a lot of revealing things about me to tell."

Holtzmann shot her a sarcastic "really?" look. "I just poured my heart out to you in a big messy puddle and you give me nothing?" She joked.

"That was pouring your heart out?"

"It was kinda hard to talk about."

"But you're so comfortable with your sexuality." Erin said, admirably.

"I meant the rape part. I did mention that, right?"

"Sorry. I have another question, though."

"I'm gonna start charging you per question."

"Don't answer it if you don't want to."

"It depends on what it is."

"Um… So you-"

"Spill, ghost girl. I still want to ask you something."

"Okay okay. You've never had a positive sexual experience with a man?"

Holtzmann fingered the rim of her glasses. "You do recall that four months ago we didn't even know each other?"

"Was that too personal of a question? I didn't really think so. Don't answer it if you don't want to."

"You have been asking pretty weird questions for a friend I've known for such a short time."

"But I'm not just your friend now, I'm your sexual partner."

Holtzmann thought this logic over. If she kept telling Erin all of her secrets there would be no mystery in their friendship anymore. Not that there was anyone in the world she would tell everything to. Not even Erin. "No." Holtz answered her original question. "I have not."

Sympathy washed over Erin's face. "But you have had a positive experience before."

Holtz knew exactly where Erin was trying to take this. And she shut it down right away. "We already talked about this."

"Right. So it was a woman, then?"

"We already talked about this."

"Did you wanna talk about that a little more?"

Holtzmann actually laughed out loud. "Babe, let me tell you about this amazing social concept called "taking a hint". It's saved countless friendships and relationships."

Erin was surprised and kind of offended by Holtz's sudden attitude. The smile on Holtzmann's face though was doing a bad job at covering up a deep pain. It reminded Erin of something. "I'm sorry." She said. She wanted to hold Holtzmann's hand. "I need to ask you something else."

"When do I get a turn?"

"Whenever you want. You don't have to answer now. I don't even have to ask now but we have to address it before we… before we do that again." She started to gently lift Holtz's fingers off her leg to hold her hand, or just play with it.

Curiosity took over. "What's the question."

Erin looked in Holtzmann's eyes and she couldn't do it. She couldn't bring herself to ask her "the STD question" which really should've been asked yesterday. She didn't want to say it out loud. "Nevermind."

Holtzmann raised an eyebrow. "Okay then." She looked harder at Erin. "Whatever this is, it's really stressing you out. You know I'm not really a rabbi, right? Is that what this is about?" A joking smile crept across her lips.

Erin still couldn't believe how youthful and innocent Holtzmann's face looked every day.

"What?" Holtzmann's eyes grew serious, seeing the look on Erin's face.

"Nothing. I can't… I can't do this to you."

"Do what?"

"Ask about something that is so incredibly not your fault but is very much your problem. And that's not fair. It's not fair to you, it's not fair that we have to have this conversation, and it's not fair that you have to hear me ask. And it's a normal thing that couples ask, but with me and you, it has to have other implications. I'm sorry."

"Oh." Holtzmann said. "You mean like do I have a disease?"

Erin was surprised by her bluntness. "Yeah."

"You can just say so. You don't have to be all dramatic." Holtzmann knew her own limitations. And she knew she'd talked enough drama about her past for one day. Anything Erin said about it from now on, Holtz wasn't going to take seriously. She could answer that question seriously, though. "I'm clean." She said simply.

Erin tried not to let her disbelief show, but she wasn't too good at it.

"No, really, I swear. I can get a note from my doctor if you want. I haven't always been clean, and I know how fortunate I am that I never got anything permanent, or life-threatening, or anything like that. Anything I may have had was treated years ago. Pinkie swear."

"Oh. I'm so sorry I had to-"

"Hold on a minute." Holtz interrupted loudly, turning serious once more. This back-and-forth was confusing Erin. Holtz's tone turned almost accusing. "Do you think I would sleep with you and not tell you if I had something?"

"Well, there wasn't really any… exchange of body fluids."

"Except kissing."

"Right, but we had already done that. And there wasn't any mouth stuff besides that."

Holtz's eyes flickered conspicuously down at Erin's chest.

"Oh. Right. Okay, there was no mouth stuff below the waist." Her stomach twisted pleasantly just thinking about that.

"I guess we're both lucky." Holtz said. "Because you're right; I probably wouldn't have told you if I had a disease. I never would've even kissed you at all. We wouldn't be together because I'd be too ashamed."

Erin's heart broke for the engineer. "But it's not your fault!"

"And yet it's still my problem."

"Look, it doesn't matter, because you're clean. And I really hope that you never hold anything back from me because you're ashamed or because you're scared of what I would think."

"Aw." Holtz said quietly, almost to herself. "That's cute."

"I can't tell if that's sarcasm or not."

"It's not."

"I can't tell if you think what I said was cute, or it's cute that I would think you'd tell me things."

"I think it's my turn to ask a question."

"Fire away."

"It's about Abby."

"Okay. What about Abby?"

"You guys were friends?" Holtz frowned in query.

"Yes."

"Just friends?"

"…Yes, why?"

"I kind of got a vibe from you two."

"When?" Erin asked.

"Right away."

Erin sighed. "Okay. So when Abby and I were younger, we would spend practically every waking hour together since her parents were kind of… absent, and my house was dangerous. We would hunt ghosts and experiment with fire and stuff we found at the junkyard… it was great. We shoplifted a microscope once."

"What brand?" Holtz asked immediately.

"It was just a cheap toy plastic one. The other ones were locked up. But we got caught, and we sat cuffed in the back of a cop car for half an hour, begging the cop not to call our parents. Ultimately, she just let us go. I think it was fun, though." Erin was briefly concerned by the grin on Holtzmann's face, and was worried she shouldn't have said anything about shoplifting being fun.

"So you weren't arrested?"

"No. But back to the point, I kind of always knew, on some conscious level, that I was attracted to women. I didn't, like, deny it to myself and I didn't go telling anybody. I just kind of tucked it away for future reference. Abby was more into trying to figure out her sexuality, and she was open to me about it. She wanted to date boys but they didn't want to date her. And the ones that did want her were creepy as hell. I think she wanted to be a lesbian, because it was easier. There was a popular girl in our school who was out as a lesbian and everyone loved her, so she made it look easy. Abby wanted love, she wanted a physical and emotional relationship, and I think the emotional part comes from trying to make up where her parents lacked. Which put her in a really dangerous, vulnerable spot. So she tried to be a lesbian but didn't know where to start. I think she wanted to like me, because I was the only person who liked her. So things kind of got more and more tense until we went separate ways for college, and she got a chance to actually try it there, and freshman year she slept with another girl and then first thing in the morning she IM'd me saying "Erin, I was so wrong. I am NOT a lesbian.""

Holtzmann laughed out loud. "That sounds like Abby."

Erin chuckled as well. "So that's the story. There's nothing between us. Maybe some tension, but not sexual tension or anything."

Holtzmann took this in, nodding slowly. After a long silence, staring at the muted TV, she said softly, "I get another question? You asked me a lot."

"Sure. What's up?"

"You said your house was dangerous. At the very beginning of your story, you said that."

"…Oh."

"Why? Why was it dangerous?"

Erin took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, contemplating if she really wanted to tell Holtzmann this or not. Though, she didn't really have a choice. Holtzmann had been so open to her when she clearly wasn't comfortable with it. "It's a long story."

"Tell it."

Erin stared at the TV, afraid her face was giving away the pain.

"…Did somebody hurt you?" Holtz asked gently, but she used her mature, serious voice.

"No. Well… I guess technically…"

"That's a yes or no question." Holtz said, afraid Erin might be blaming herself or making excuses for whoever this was about. "Did someone physically hurt you?" She held Erin's hand in both of hers, one linking their fingers and the other gently cradling her wrist.

"…Yyyes." Erin said hesitantly.

Holtz felt a wash of anger. "Who?"

"It's not as simple as that."

"Okay. I'll be quiet now. Sorry. Tell the story, don't let me interrupt."

Erin sighed. "I have a brother, like you. Five years younger. When I was sixteen, when my dad passed, he was eleven. He… he took it hard. Much worse than me. And maybe I kind of suppressed my grief because I saw him hurting enough for both of us." Erin didn't mean to admit that. It was just a theory. "But he was doing more than grieving. He started to act out, he got violent, he would accuse us of doing things that weren't even possible for us to do. His psychiatrist said it was a grieving phase. I always just assumed… " Erin forced back the tears stinging her eyes. "I assumed he was down a dark hole, and eventually he'd come out of it. But he didn't."

Holtzmann was softly stroking the back of Erin's hand without even thinking. She was so wrapped up in Erin's story and her darkened, sympathetic eyes concentrated on the tears that were about to fall from Erin's eyes.

"He didn't come out of it. He just kept getting worse and worse, breaking things around the house on a daily basis and screaming at my mother and me about things that made very little sense. I would lock my bedroom door and hide in there all day every day when I wasn't in school, and he would pound on the door so hard he made multiple holes in it. My mom bought me a stronger door and a stronger lock, as if that would solve our problems. So I started staying at Abby's. And every time I'd come home I'd find something newly broken. Once I left my door open and he ripped the tapes out of all my VHS movies, he… he said somebody wrote over them and recorded tapes of him. It wasn't until he actually broke my wrist that my mom decided there was something more wrong with him than grief. He felt so bad about my wrist, though, he cried until he puked, he apologized and said he would bake me a cake, then in the emergency room he held my hand for three hours straight. He seemed so normal then. I thought… maybe he was fixed." Erin had to stop because a tear was tickling her chin.

Holtz had tears in her eyes too, just from watching Erin's tears fall silently.

Erin sniffled. "Out of nowhere, two cops and three nurses burst into the room and they grabbed my brother violently and ripped his hand out of mine, dragging him away in cuffs while he tried to get back to me. They did a psych evaluation and he stayed in the hospital overnight, after I was discharged. They diagnosed him with schizophrenia." Erin had to pause, staring at the reflection of something on the glass coffee table. "They said they could medicate him and hospitalize him but ultimately there's no cure. They said the worst kind sets in around age 11-12. We don't know if it was a coincidence that… he got like that at the same time our father passed, or if maybe such intense grief triggered something that was going to come out later. I don't know. All I know is that I didn't just lose my father on the day he died; I lost my little brother, too."

Holtzmann pulled Erin into a tight hug. She had tears on her cheeks as well.

Erin wasn't really expecting the hug so quickly but she accepted it. It seemed like it would be an awkward hug since they were sitting next to each other, but somehow they fit perfectly, and Erin wanted to fall asleep right there.

"I'm sorry." Holtzmann said softly into Erin's shoulder.

"Thank you." Erin mumbled, trying not to trigger another wave of tears. But it was triggered, and she started crying softly into Holtzmann's shoulder.

Holtz brought Erin back with her as she leaned against the pillows, and kicked one foot up onto the coffee table. She was so glad that their roles were reversed and that she wasn't the one crying in Erin's arms. But she had no idea the physicist had all this in her past.

Erin had stopped crying, it was a short one, and Holtz tucked a piece of hair back behind her ear.

Holtzmann suddenly felt super guilty about ignoring her perfectly normal brother when he came to her. She had ignored him for 17 years while Erin would probably do anything just to have her brother back for a day. Unless he's still alive and in a hospital somewhere. Or medicated. That didn't really cross Holtzmann's mind. The way Erin talked, she made it sound like he was dead. But she wasn't gonna ask today. She'd asked Erin enough. But she did have one more question. "Tell me something,"

"Another question?" Erin groaned.

"It's easy."

"What?"

"Can I stay here tonight? On this couch, with you, just like this?"

"…Yes." Erin said tiredly.

Holtz settled herself in more.

"I need to brush my teeth though." Erin got up, leaving Holtz feeling cold and smaller. "Is it okay if I sleep in my own bed tonight, though? I'm really tired actually."

"More than okay with that." Holtz remembered how she got no sleep last night trying to hold them up on the couch.

"I'll get you a blanket and a pillow. Then I'm going to bed, if that's alright. Do you need anything else?"

"…A kiss?"

Erin laughed. "A kiss goodnight?"

"No. Just a kiss because." Holtz reached up and put her hands on Erin's waist. "Come here a minute."

Erin let herself be pulled down. "What?"

Holtzmann kissed her and Erin thought it was going to last longer but Holtz pulled away. "I never told you how I felt about last night. It was my first time in a long time."

"It was." Erin agreed. "But you told me you didn't want to talk about that."

"I'll talk about last night."

"Okay. How was last night for you?"

"Probably better than yours."

Secretly, Erin wasn't sure how possible that was. She had never felt that kind of tender yet explosive emotion before. Just the emotion alone. Holtzmann had loved her deeply and slowly, with an expert hand and the touch of someone who genuinely cared how Erin felt. She left Erin feeling the shockwaves from it for an entire hour afterward. "How so?"

"I got to watch you. You have a delightful face."

Erin laughed. "That's such a you thing to say. And I haven't even known you that long. Is that how you flirt? Telling people they have delightful faces?"

"That depends. Is it working?"

"You tell me." Erin covered her mouth with a kiss. She leaned into it until she had pressed Holtzmann's head back against the couch cushions. She placed her hands on Holtz's shoulders to steady herself. They enjoyed the kiss for about a minute before Erin pulled away, leaving Holtz with messed up hair from being pressed into the cushion. Holtzmann quietly caught her breath and straightened her shirt, trying to fix her loose hair which clung to the couch from static. She pulled out a hair tie and a few clips and tried to fix it but Erin lowered her hands. "Leave it."

"Like this? It's a mess."

"That's okay. You already define hot mess."

Holtzmann laughed. "Where did you pull that line from?"

"My head."

"You're somethin' else, ghost girl."

"Why do you call me that?"

"Don't worry about it. Just own it."

Erin liked the sound of that. Instead of memories of being bullied by that name, she could have memories of her lover saying it. She wondered what it would be like to take Holtz to her high school reunion. It was coming up.

"I think I have a boner." Holtzmann whispered.

Erin laughed out loud, unintentionally bringing her hands down from Holtz's shoulders and over her chest.

They sat for a minute, before Erin turned to Holtzy and said gently, "I want you to take as much time as you need… but just know that whenever you're ready for me to repay the favor, I'm there."

She knew Erin was trying to be supportive, but Holtz winced, already feeling pressured. She took in a breath and tried to be as blatantly honest as she could. "I don't think… I want to do that just yet." She said robotically.

Erin noticed the mood shift and regretted bringing it up. "Okay, you don't have to, take your time. I'm just putting that out there, so I don't feel so bad about practically using you to get off." She joked, turning it back on herself. It worked.

"Using me?" Holtzmann leaned in and whispered in Erin's ear, in the sexiest voice she could muster, "I got off, too." She pulled away with a cheeky grin and her hair tickled Erin's face.

Erin leaned in and whispered right back, "I know you did."

Holtz frowned. "How did you know?"

"You told me?"

"I thought you were asleep."

"No. I heard you."

"Jeez, I'm glad I didn't say anything else." Holtz said. "Wait, you didn't hear anything else I said, did you?"

"No. Why, what else did you say?"

"I told you I killed Mufasa."

"Oh shit." Erin kept a straight face as long as she could, then laughed, and Holtz joined in.

"Yeah, and I totally ruined a pair of jeans, too."

"From killing Mufasa?"

"No, from getting off." Holtz laughed in the middle of her sentence.

"Don't wear jeans next time."

"Easy for you to say. You have a drop-dead stunning body. And I even left your panties on!"

Erin grinned. "You can't possibly tell me that that body is anything less than perfect." Erin fingered at the hem of Holtz's shirt.

"Oh, trust me." Holtz blurted with a pained laugh.

Erin's smile dropped. "Did somebody tell you that? Did someone make you feel bad about yourself?"

"Recently? No. That's not what I was getting at-"

"But in the past, someone told you that?"

Holtzmann dropped her head back against the couch in frustration and looked at the ceiling. She had to remind herself that, thankfully, most people didn't come from the same world as she did. And that world gave her a pretty thick skin. "Erin, if I took it personally every time someone made fun of my body, I wouldn't be functioning right now. There's no one in the world I disrespect more than someone who endorses slavery and abuse by paying great sums to child molesters and kidnappers. Why would their opinions ever matter to me?"

Erin was quiet for a long time, just looking at Holtzmann. "How the hell do you stay so positive all the time? Really, I'm jealous. How?"

"Years of necessity, not by choice." Holtzmann said, sounding much older. She was just glad she had turned the conversation away from her body. Did Erin really think Holtz went through eleven years of that without getting a few physical scars?

"Well, I admire that. I admire you."

Holtz's grin hardly displayed how much that statement really meant to her.

"I really have to get to bed." Erin said, stealing another quick shy kiss.

"But I had another question."

"What?"

"Can I help you write assignments for your class?"

"It's particle physics; you could practically teach the class if you wanted." Erin joked.

"I'll start with a worksheet on quantum field theory and a matching game of dynamic elementary particles to the Standard Model-"

"Slow down, there, I haven't even started the class yet." Erin laughed.

"Well, there'll be a word bank, of course."

Erin laughed and kissed Holtz once more, wondering what her students would be like and what they would say if they knew she was kissing a woman. She almost wanted to show Holtzmann off to her class. "I'm about to fall asleep on my feet. And I'd rather have my teeth brushed before I do it. Do you need anything else?"

"No."

"I'll see you in the morning then." Erin stood up and went to get a pillow and blanket.

When she returned she threw the pillow and blanket at Holtz playfully. She dropped a kiss on Holtzmann's forehead. "There's your goodnight kiss."

Holtz gave a sad smile and her eyes got shiny wet, just from whatever goodnight kisses must've reminded her of.

Erin retreated upstairs and Holtz immediately got up and flicked off the light switch. Dropping back onto the couch, she was finally able to take her glasses off comfortably in the pitch darkness. She pulled out her phone, and the glow from it lit up her section of the ceiling, minus the shadow from her head. She looked at Spencer's number which she had added to her contacts. Just looking at his name made her miss talking to him as a kid. He always believed anything she said, even though she tried to teach him to be skeptical, investigate things and question everything. If she said, "I'm your dead sister", would he even believe her?

But after hearing about Erin's brother, she knew she had to talk to Spencer. Taking a brother for granted like this must be painful for Erin to watch. She was going to talk to Spencer tomorrow, for sure, and come out to him as soon as possible. And pray he didn't ask too many questions.

~/~

 **Thanks for the reviews, always appreciated! I know this chapter was mostly one big conversation but the dialogue just flowed so easily for me. I hope it wasn't too dry. Bigger things to come! Leave a review and thanks so much for reading!**


	12. Spencer

It was almost a month later before Holtzmann actually got around to talking to Spencer. He was waiting in the front over by Kevin's desk, and Holtz was seeing Erin out the back door to the parking lot. It was the first day of school, so Erin's first time teaching this group. She had taught the subject before. When they made sure no one was looking, the two girls stole a quick goodbye kiss.

"Knock 'em dead, tiger." Holtz joked, quoting something she heard from somewhere a long time ago. "If anyone bullies you, send them to ME."

"I need my students in one piece, Holtzmann."

"…Welp, there goes my plans for the electron de-energizer gun I was working on. Way to ruin a girl's dream."

Erin laughed. "I'll be back in two hours. Try not to blow up the city."

"You know I could!" Holtz called as Erin walked towards her car.

By this point, over a month after Holtz and Erin first got together, the Ghostbusters had taken over 50 calls and determined that the ley lines were still hypercharged, causing more ghosts than usual to appear. Erin now considered Holtzmann her girlfriend, and they had sex at least once a week. Erin wouldn't have minded more, but she let Holtz lead, and Holtz was clearly still healing on a few different levels. So Erin didn't push it. Holtz had still never taken off more than her shirt, and she never, ever let Erin touch her below the waist. Abby and Patty were still oblivious.

Erin had spent the last few weeks preparing for her class and writing lessons and making power points. Holtzmann had spent the last week in a constant state of stress. After Erin told Holtzmann about her brother, Spencer didn't answer his phone for three weeks. When he finally did last week, they learned that he made an emergency trip to Seattle because his mother's condition took a turn for the worse.

Now he was back, and she was about to confront him with the full intention of telling him who she was. She took a deep breath and walked back into the main room.

"Mr. Andrews." She said in a comically deep voice as she approached him.

"Hey. Hi. Good to see you again, Dr. Holtzmann." He stood up and shook her hand firmly.

"Let me give you a quick tour of the second floor, since you haven't been here before. We can talk up there, where the equipment is."

As they started up the stairs, he said, "When you greeted me, you reminded me of Agent Smith in The Matrix."

"That's what I was going for." Holtzmann said, surprised he got the reference from her crappy imitation.

"Really? That was pretty good. I used to watch that movie all the time as a teenager."

"Yeah." Holtz agreed absently, then added, "I mean, uh, me too." The movie that came out the year she was kidnapped.

When they reached the top of the stairs, she gave him the briefest tour by just pointing to various things and saying, "coat rack" or "stripper pole. Technically fireman's pole" then Spencer pointed out that firewomen exist too, and that earned him a big gold star in Holtzmann's book.

Finally, she motioned for him to sit down at a table along the far wall. She sat across from him and tried to start off casual. "How's your mother doing?"

"Oh, thank you for asking, um, she's back in the hospital now, probably for good this time. Doing as good as anyone can at this stage."

Holtzmann nodded to herself sadly, almost forgetting he was there. "Is there a prognosis on, like, how long she has?"

"It was nearly a year but since this recent episode they've backed it up to about four months."

Holtzmann's face twisted in pain and she had to turn her head away so he wouldn't see.

"Are you okay?" Spencer asked.

Holtz didn't want to wait anymore. She thought about Erin holding her brother's hand in the emergency room. "What… what was your sister's name?"

"Why?" Spencer asked immediately.

"Just curious. What happened to her?"

"Whoa. I don't really talk about her with anyone, let alone someone I just met. I mean, I respect you and all, in the science field, but talking about her is just… too painful."

"Did her name start with an M?"

"W- what are you doing?"

"Guessing?" She offered lamely.

"Well, you were right, somehow. Why is this so important to you? I'm really not comfortable with this."

Holtzmann took off her glasses and looked at him, as if seeing her eyes would trigger him to recognize her. She had seen it done in a movie somewhere. It worked much better in the movie. Spencer just stared at her blankly, if anything a bit confused. She gave up on that dramatic revelation and put the glasses back on. "So. Spencer, um… Andrews, is it?"

"Yes."

"That's funny. That's my last name too."

"I thought it was Holtzmann."

"It is… since I changed it." She was completely winging it here, with absolutely no clue how to go about this.

"Oh. Okay."

"Did you ever… hear any word on your sister? Did you ever find her?"

"No. I thought I made that clear, and I don't know why you care so much but it's starting to bother me. I'd really prefer you stay away from that subject."

"Just one more thing. How old was she when she went missing?"

"Why do you need to know!?"

"That's the last thing I'll ask you about her, I promise."

"Fifteen. Are you happy? Does that change something?"

"No. It's just another funny coincidence because I was also kidnapped when I was fifteen." She said casually.

"I think you're joking. It's not funny."

"I'm not." Her voice changed and cracked.

The shift in her tone gave him pause, and he eyed her suspiciously. "I'm sorry to hear that. Can we talk about the equipment now?"

"Sure." She stood abruptly and walked over to one of the lab tables, expecting him to follow. "The proton pack," She said, stopping at a table and resting her hand on the faraday cage of a spare pack she was working on. "The most famous and most vital tool to our operation."

Spencer had caught up but still seemed cold with her. "I've seen that. How is it powered?"

"I would tell you but I'd have to kill you." She said seriously.

"Funny."

"Let's just say it uses the decay of an element that should not be in the hands of a capable enemy. That means you can give it to the six-toed kid down the street for being an asshole, and he'd likely die from exposure without knowing what to do with it. But don't give it to, like, North Korea."

He turned his head quickly to her but she was moving on to the next subject.

"The proton wand, which shoots the proton stream to capture spectral bodies so they can be lowered into the ghost trap. Never, ever to be pointed at a living human, even in jest. I recommend wearing gloves when using it, since the end can get extremely cold after use and frost over, much like the end of a CO2 fire extinguisher."

Spencer nodded knowingly, and Holtz was proud, hoping he set a lot of fires. On accident.

"The other girls use their bare hands, though, no matter how many times I tell them. Maybe you can talk some sense into them. It'll be nice having a guy around."

Spencer couldn't tell if that sounded like a job offer. "You do have a guy around, what about Kevin?"

Holtzmann spun a quarter turn as if it were a dance move to face him. She leaned back, propping an elbow on the steel table. "Kevin is one beautiful hunk of man that I would NEVER trust with Windex, let alone radioactive elements and equipment. I barely trust myself with this stuff!" She started laughing comically.

Spencer looked on like he might've found it funny but was still recovering from her interrogation a few minutes ago. He cocked his head and frowned at her, as if noticing something about the way she laughed.

"Not just anybody can become a Ghostbuster." She said. "I have to trust them with my equipment and know that I'll take full responsibility for whatever nuclear fallout they may cause. That's a big job. But we're all scientists, we all have doctorates, except Patty, but each of them has proven that I can trust them with this equipment. I've known Abby for years, Abby's known Erin and Erin is a renowned physicist, and I trust Patty because she's the only normal one of us, and she's proven herself to be more mature than probably me or Abby."

"Wow." He didn't seem too interested in their relations.

"So. Spencer Andrews." Holtz set down a wrench she had been playing with. "How would you like to repair equipment? Invent new things? We are fully funded by the government, and we'd be happy to have some extra help on board. Would you like a job here?"

Spencer looked shocked. "Really?"

"Yes. It would be pretty cruel if I got you this far only to say "go home"" She flashed him a smile and a wink.

"Wow. Um. I… I want to say yes…"

"Then say it."

"-but you guys aren't quite what I expected."

"We get that a lot." Holtzmann said proudly.

"No, I mean, I wasn't expecting the constant barrage of questions about my personal life every time I come here. I would absolutely love to work for you guys but I don't know if I can deal with that every day."

Holtzmann sighed and dropped her head down, thinking. She lifted it back up but didn't look him in the eyes. She stared blankly at his collarbone, which was at eye level for her. "I think you misunderstood my intentions with those questions. I really thought you might catch on, but you haven't. Either that or you're being skeptical, which makes me proud."

"And what were your intentions?"

Her mind was reeling, and she felt lightheaded. If she slipped a joke in now, she could still go back on everything she's said.

But she went for it. "Listen, um… the others and I thought your story was interesting, particularly because it's very similar to my own. We thought it was a really cool coincidence, that I'm also originally from the Seattle area, and I used to have a little brother named Spencer, and my real name, before it was Holtzmann, was Mavis Andrews." She didn't dare look at his face, but he said nothing so she continued. "When I was fifteen, I… I got in a fight with my family. My mother wanted to take me to the science fair to present my project. My dad and brother wanted to go to hear a lecture on the philosophy of physics by Alex Reardon at a college an hour away. But my family only had one car. So the day before, we were arguing over which was more important. And…" She flicked her eyes up to Spencer. "I got really mad because I'd worked on the project for months but it was also my brother's birthday so theoretically we should do what he wanted. So I left the house to clear my head. I borrowed my mother's sweater. I biked probably three miles before it started to rain, so I left my bike leaning against a post next to the railroad tracks and I went into the woods for cover. I slipped in the mud and fell into the creek, and a car going over the bridge saw me go in, and someone came out to help me. He gave me a towel and offered me a ride home." She tried to tell her heart to calm down because it was making her short of breath. "He didn't take me home." She finished. She looked back up to find Spencer looking down at her.

"Who told you all that?" He demanded softly.

"No one. It happened to me."

"Where did you go?"

"It's not important."

"…Are you trying to imply that you're my dead sister?"

She gave an exasperated sigh. "Gee, you catch on quick."

He frowned at her. "I don't think that's possible."

"Why? Did you find her body?"

"No."

"Then is it possible that she was taken somewhere against her will and somehow survived it and continued her love for nuclear science by, I don't know, becoming a nuclear scientist? And then do something completely crazy like try to catch ghosts using science because she loved ghost hunting as a kid and was never that normal to begin with? Is it impossible that she's out there somewhere, because she survived a kidnapping, but had to change her name and identity for the safety of her and her family? Scientifically speaking, is that impossible?"

"No. It's not. But it's highly unlikely. It's much more likely someone found this information from a google search and is pulling my leg."

"Or is it more likely that you don't wanna believe me? I did teach you to be a skeptic. Question everything. But you've never questioned me before." It was the first time she was speaking as if this weren't just hypothetical anymore.

He was quiet for a long time, looking at her. Her eyes, her face, her hair, he took it all in. "Say something only my sister would say." He said quietly.

"You mean like the password to the A-Files club?" She referenced their own version of an X-Files fan club.

He looked startled just by that. "Y-yes. The password."

She glanced around to make sure no one was listening. "You have to ask the secret question."

"Okay. Where can you find the most basic ingredients for a cosmic apple pie?" His voice sounded pained just reciting that.

"In the tracks of a dinosaur's footprint."

"…I really wanna believe you." He said.

"Then do it. I'll prove whatever you want me to prove. I'm her. Mavis." She remembered what she did earlier and pulled her glasses off her face, letting him see her eyes.

"Smile." He told her.

She smiled. "Why?"

"Because there's only one person in the world with dimples like that."

Her smile grew wider.

Without any warning, he pulled her into a tight hug, exactly the kind you'd expect to see from siblings. He told himself that he still didn't fully believe her, but there were tears on his cheeks.

"Where the fuck were you?" He said.

"I told you, kidnapped."

"Yeah but by who?"

"I already said it's not important."

He pushed away from the hug. "It is. I wanna fight them."

"This is exactly why." She said. "You can't tell anyone who I am. They will come back and they will hurt me. I'm in hiding now because I changed my whole identity. If there's any hits on the name Mavis Andrews anywhere, I'll be good as dead. They think I'm dead right now, and you don't know how badly I need to keep it that way." The fear was so evident in her voice.

"Hey, okay, okay, I won't tell anyone. But what about Mom and Dad?"

"That's the reason I'm telling you all this now. I want Mom to know I'm okay. She deserves that. But if she's in an altered mental state later on, I can't have her blurting this out to anyone."

"If she says anything, the nurses will think she's hallucinating, or getting really spiritual. Don't say Jillian Holtzmann and you'll be fine. But we can tell Dad, right? Can I call him right now?"

"Spencer, no. The lines could be tapped. We'll do it in person. I'll go to Seattle with you."

"You think the lines are tapped?"

"You'd be paranoid too, if you've been where I've been." She said.

"Where have you been?"

"I already told you it doesn't matter."

"Then why do you keep bringing it up?"

"Because I'm trying to make you understand!"

"I can't imagine kidnapping is easy to talk about! I understand, you don't have to tell me anything. It's just been so many years of looking for answers and now I have you but I don't have answers. It's just a missing part of the equation."

"Well, get used to it-" She started but without warning he pulled her into a tight hug again.

"Holy shit, Mavis." He said.

"Nobody calls me that. Just call me Holtzmann now."

"But I like your real name. That's your name."

"But no one else knows that, except the bad guys, understand? For my own protection, I'm Holtzmann now, and the fewer people who know my real name, the safer I am."

"None of the other Ghostbusters know your real name?"

"No."

"Do they know any of this?"

She sighed. "They know you're my brother, and they know a bit more about the kidnapping thing than I'm willing to tell you. To be fair, Abby kind of spilled the whole secret to them without telling me. I wouldn't have told them."

"Okay." Spencer processed this. "What about Erin? Does she know more than the others?"

"Why would you say that?"

"You guys are together, right?"

Holtzy's heart skipped. "Where did you hear that?"

"Sorry if I'm wrong, I didn't mean to offend you. When I got here, I went to use the bathroom and I heard you two talking by the back door. You called her "babe" and then kissed and she said something about her place later."

"Oh… I guess we need to be a bit more careful." Holtz said to herself, almost sing-song.

"…So you are together?"

"Eeeee…. yes." Holtz said awkwardly, debating if she should tell him or not. "Now you know two secrets that could get me in trouble. Please keep your mouth shut."

"You got it." He couldn't take his eyes off her, naturally after seeing someone for the first time he thought was dead. "My god, we have to tell Mom and Dad, Mav- Holtzmann, she's getting worse by the day. How long have you been free?"

Holtzmann let out a breath, hating her answer. "S… six years." She cringed.

"What!? And you didn't think to come looking for us? Or tell us that you're alive? At all!?"

"Look, trying to piece everything together after being… held captive for eleven years isn't as easy as it sounds."

"You had six years to find us."

"I was told to stay away from you."

"What? By whom? "

"The same people that pretty much saved me and got me a new identity and paid for my college and helped get me a job. People that deal with people like me all the time. They know what they're doing."

"You don't think going back to your family would've helped you at all?"

"Ultimately, it would have caused far more pain."

"If you're only thinking about yourself."

"I was! I was only thinking about myself because that's how I survived for so long!"

"While we were still looking for you."

"Spencer, buddy, you're trying to make me see things from your point of view when you need to see things from mine."

"You're not giving me a whole lot to work with."

"The less you know the better."

"I finally find you and you're gonna give me no answers to the biggest question I've been obsessing over for the past seventeen years. "

"Spencer! You really wanna know!? What does any guy do when the kidnap a little girl!?"

"I know that, you think I haven't put that together!? It doesn't seem like that's the only reason someone would keep you around for eleven years."

"…Well those eleven years were a lot bigger than just one person." She said softly, almost ashamed, contrasting their near-shouting.

He hesitantly pulled her back into a hug. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I just… this is so surreal you have no idea. I thought you were dead up until five fucking minutes ago." He rubbed her back gently. "This is so weird; you're so grown up and yet you're still so you…"

"Thanks. I can say the same."

"You look a little different than I pictured grown-up Mavis to look like, but if you're an imposter you certainly have my sister's personality nailed down."

"Aw shucks."

He laughed softly as if that furthered his point, and hugged her tighter.

Footsteps started on the stairs and gradually got closer. Holtzmann tried to pull away but Spencer kept her locked in his arms.

Abby and Patty appeared on the far end of the room. "Oh. What's going on here?" Abby asked, walking closer.

Spencer finally let her go.

"Guys, this is my little brother, Spencer."

"Oh, so you told him. Or did he figure it out?"

Patty's smile grew super wide. "Why the hell didn't y'all tell me you were dropping the reunion secret? I woulda watched!"

"It wasn't as sudden or exciting as you might think." Holtzmann said.

"I still woulda loved it." Patty muttered.

"Did Erin leave yet?" Abby asked.

"Yeah, a while ago. And I offered Spencer a job."

"Awesome! Welcome to the team!" Abby held out her hand.

"He never answered." Holtz said, looking up at him.

"Um, I mean, yes. Yeah, absolutely." Spencer said, looking excitedly around at the lab equipment.

"Uh oh." Abby said. "You're not gonna set things on fire like her, are you?"

"I don't…" Holtzmann defended. She looked at Spencer. "I don't do it that often."

He laughed. "I don't know if I believe that. You did set the cupboards on fire once. And your school copy of Romeo and Juliet."

Abby laughed loudly, just because those accusations fit her friend so well.

"The first time was an accident, and the book was Macbeth, by the way." Holtz said.

"You lit a book on fire ON PURPOSE?" Patty said.

"I needed kindling."

"You didn't think to use leaves? Or sticks?"

"I was on a bus."

"YOU SET A FIRE ON A BUS ON PURPOSE?"

"Wait I never heard the cupboards story." Abby said.

"She was trying to make a bowl of cereal." Spencer said.

Abby laughed even harder.

"I was not! I was reinventing cereal."

"You have more than earned the title of "Mad Scientist", you know that right?" Patty asked.

"Thank you, Patty." Holtz gave a small bow.

"Or pyromaniac…"

Holtz pulled her phone out of her pocket. "I need to make a phone call." She started to walk away. Spencer looked after her like he didn't want to let her out of his sight.

"Are you calling Erin?" Abby called.

"…Yes." She said hesitantly.

"Tell her we need bread."

"She's not getting groceries, Abby."

"I know. But she could pick it up on the way home."

"Or you could get it right now. We're not doing anything." After getting no answer, she continued to the laundry room, using the sound of the dryer running to cover her call. She dialed Erin's number and crouched next to the window that went almost to the floor.

"Hello?"

That voice was such a relief to Holtzmann. Something familiar in all the madness right now. "Erin."

"I just let class out, what's up?"

"Um, you're not planning on staying late or anything, are you?"

"Well, there's a first day of school brunch with some of the other professors in the physics lounge that I was planning to attend."

"Oh."

"Why? Is something wrong?"

"I just… you know… wanted to see… your face?"

"Holtzmann. Is there something actually wrong?"

"I told Spencer."

"What?"

"Who I am."

"Yeah, I got that part. Did he react badly?"

"No…"

"That's really good then! I'm proud of you."

"I think I'm gonna puke."

"What? Why?" Erin asked.

"I don't know."

"Stress, Holtz. You're under a lot of stress right now."

"Oh. Thank you."

"Do you really need me to come home?"

"…No… How long is your brunch?"

"I don't know. I probably won't stay longer than half an hour. But if you need me to come home I will."

"No, don't, don't worry about that. I can wait another half hour."

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Okay. I'll see you later."

Holtzmann hung up without saying goodbye. She really did want to puke. At least Erin helped her explain why.

She stood up and stuffed her phone in her pocket. Sure, she just revealed her identity to her long-lost brother after 17 years, but for some reason, she didn't really want to see him right now. She just wanted Erin. Someone familiar. Someone comfortable.

~/~

It was actually more like twenty minutes before Erin returned, with a box of donuts for everyone. She didn't seem too thrilled, either.

"Hey Spencer, good to see you again." She said, setting the box down and sliding it across the table. Abby and Patty attacked it immediately.

Spencer was standing close to Holtzmann. As soon as Erin set the donuts down, Holtzmann hooked her elbow and led her back towards the stairs. "We need to talk. We'll be right back." She said.

Erin stumbled clumsily and turned around so she wasn't being dragged backwards. "Are you okay?"

Holtz didn't answer until she had Erin in the back pantry which they had been using to store equipment and books. "God, this is so stressful."

"I know, you wouldn't believe what-" Erin started, but Holtz cut her off with a kiss.

Erin pushed back into it with all of her own frustrations, which created an absolutely electric kiss. Her hands found Holtz's jaw and Holtzmann linked her fingers behind Erin's lower back and pulled their hips together. Neither of them wanted to let go and deal with the rest of the world.

It was probably three minutes later when they broke apart, and they both lowered their heads to catch their breath, their foreheads resting against each other. Holtz's hair had begun to fall into her face and Erin carelessly swept it back with her hand.

"How was your first day of school?" Holtzmann whispered.

"It sucked." Erin replied. "Until now."

"Students giving you a hard time?" She asked, taking a step back to fix her hair.

"No." Erin whispered. "The teachers."

"About what?"

"Nothing. It's… nevermind."

"No, tell me."

"At the brunch, one of them asked if we wanted to see what textbook he's using for the class. Then he held up the Ghosts From Our Past book. And he asked me to sign it. In front of everybody. Everyone was laughing."

"Oh, fuck them."

"Do you know how hard it is for a woman to even get into my position in a science field!? And my reputation is getting thrown away AGAIN because of that stupid book!"

"Did you play the "I fucking saved New York City" card?"

"No. I thought it would be too much but now I think I should've." She mumbled.

Holtz pulled her into a hug for comfort.

"I've started myself back at square one on the tenure ladder, since I got fired. I'm teaching one class. Nobody respects me. Holtz… I'm starting to think I wasted all those years getting my doctorate because I'm never gonna be able to use it again."

"Years are never wasted. There's always something in every experience that you can take away and learn from. And that should mean a lot, coming from me."

"I wish I could just shrink you down and put you on my shoulder sometimes so you can say encouraging things in my ear all day." Erin said suddenly as if this were a thought she had often.

Holtzmann laughed, her eyes growing wide. "That would be great! I mean, great for me; such a mess for you. I wouldn't say encouraging things, I'd whisper dirty things in your ear all day. That would be so weird coming from like, a leprechaun sized person."

"You have to make everything sound weird, don't you?" Erin scolded.

"Weird is how I normally talk. Everything else is just a cover-up." She winked.

Erin exhaled a quick laugh. "And how did things go with your brother?"

"He was skeptical at first, as he should be."

"But he believes you now?"

"Yeah. And he also guessed that you and I were a couple, so we have to be more careful around Abby and Patty."

"If they haven't already figured it out." Erin said.

"Why are we hiding from them, again?"

"Because we're all friends. That's weird. Plus, nobody knows I'm gay. Does Abby know about you?"

"I've been told I just give off a very gay vibe."

"It's because you wink at everyone."

"That could be it…" Holtzmann said thoughtfully.

Erin laughed and gave her a quick kiss. "You're adorable. But let's not tell anyone yet."

"Okay." Holtz agreed."Listen, I know you're gonna be super busy with school and all, and I really wanna stay and beat up those other professors with you, but… Spencer and I are going back to Washington. Sometime this week. To see my mom. And then we'll be back. Okay?"

"Oh- okay. That's good, Holtz. I'm really proud of you for facing all this."

"Sorry I won't be here for moral support."

"I was thinking you're the one who's gonna need moral support." Erin said.

"Oh. True, I guess."

"When are you leaving?"

"I don't know. God, Erin, I don't do well with sick people. Can you get me out of this? Just tell me I don't have to go?"

"You have to go." Erin pulled her closer again and stroked her cheek.

"Why?" Holtz whispered.

"Because you're gonna regret it for the rest of your life. You and your mom were close, right?"

"Yeah. A long time ago."

"Trust me. You're gonna regret not saying goodbye."

"Did you?" Holtz asked, resting her head on Erin's shoulder. "Did you get to say goodbye to your dad?"

Erin cringed for a minute, like she was thinking it over. "No." She said finally. "I did tell him goodbye and all that, I basically poured my heart out in under a minute, and when he responded… he thought I was someone else. He never… never knew it was me saying goodbye."

Holtzmann rubbed her shoulder softly, near where she was resting her head. "Was he sick?"

"No. He got hurt."

"I'm sorry." Holtz whispered.

"… We should probably get back upstairs."

Holtz sighed. "I guess, whatever."

"You're coming over to my place later, right?"

"Don't you ever get sick of me using your apartment all the time?"

"No. It's better with you around. And based on rumors, your apartment is not exactly top-of-the-line."

"It is absolutely top-of-the-line!" Holtzmann defended. "…If it's a horizontal line…"

"I like you staying at my place. Even when you sleep on the couch and I sleep in my bed. At least I know you're safe."

"You think my apartment is dangerous?"

"You said so yourself. It's in a bad neighborhood, and you said your roommate is … questionable."

"I'm not used to anyone wanting to protect me." Holtz said, kind of flattered.

"I think you're worth protecting."

"Aw. That was so cute and corny."

"Shut up." Erin smiled and playfully kissed Holtz's nose. "You always say "corny" when I try to be romantic."

"Romantic is divided into two categories: corny and sexy."

"What if I change the flat tire on your car on the side of the road for you? Is that corny or sexy?" Erin thought that would stump her.

"No one should expect favors from someone for changing their tire, nor should the act alone be seen as romantic."

"What if I did that and then you pushed me up against the side of your car and kissed me?"

"That's sexy as hell. That makes me want to go slash my own tire."

"Please don't. I haven't changed a tire in years."

"That's okay. Clueless Erin is pretty sexy too."

"Hey-"

Holtzmann pushed Erin back up against the door again and it made a loud thud. She captured her in a light kiss and slipped her fingers under Erin's collar.

"Shit. Holtz, we can't do this here."

"I know." Holtzmann said. "Just checking that you're ABSOLUTELY sure you want me to come over later?" She asked innocently.

"God. Yes. I said yes, okay?" She gently grabbed Holtz's wrist and pulled her hand away from her shirt.

"Okay." Holtzmann shrugged, wiggling her fingers. "I'll be waiting for that." She kissed Erin's fingers that held her wrist.

"Wait."

"What?"

"What do we tell everyone right now about why we took so long down here?"

"You tripped on the door and knocked a bunch of these books off the shelf. We had to put them back." Holtzmann replied without hesitation.

"God, that's so believable…" Erin whispered, ashamed.

~/~

 **Please please leave a review!**


	13. Seattle

Erin's dream that night was rough. In it, she was in the physics lounge at Columbia, at brunch with all her colleagues. She was doing well, making all the right jokes at all the right times, everyone was loving her and accepting her back into the group. Then a ghost appeared, so she pulled out a proton pack she just had with her, and captured it in a ghost trap, thinking it would impress the other professors. They started laughing and she thought she had done something funny, in a good way, but then they told her there was no ghost, there never were any ghosts, and they revealed to her the events of the past few months were all one big scam and ghosts never really existed, everyone just played along because they pitied her. They told her the ghosts were a product of her schizophrenia. She insisted that she was not schizophrenic, but they all laughed and no one believed her.

It was just a dream, but it hurt like real life.

So it was nice to be woken to the familiar feeling of kisses on her cheek, and she opened her eyes to find Holtzmann's bright blue eyes just inches from hers. She couldn't help but break into a grin. "Hello." She laughed.

Bright morning light left slats of light across the bed through the blinds. Erin looked down at the sheets covering them. They both were still wearing their day clothes. "What did we do last night?" She struggled but couldn't remember.

"You got drunk. In your living room. Cursed about the professors at Columbia, dragged me to your bed and then fell asleep." Holtz laughed.

"Oh. We didn't do anything?"

"No."

"You didn't drink?"

"I was the self-designated driver."

"I thought you said we were in my living room?"

"We were."

"…Okay then." She smiled back at Holtzmann's goofy grin.

"What time is it?" She rolled her head to the side to look at the clock.

"We still have three hours before we have to be anywhere." Holtz started kissing her neck.

"Oh- okay-" Erin was going to say more but she closed her eyes and let herself enjoy the sensation. She made a small noise to let Holtz know it was okay to go further. As Holtz went lower, Erin's hand drifted up and started undoing the buttons on Holtzmann's shirt. "This is a really nice shirt." She commented.

"Thanks. It's yours."

"Hm. It looks better on you."

"Oh?"

"Actually, I was wrong. I think it looks better OFF you."

"Is that a pickup line, 'cause it sucked." Holtz mumbled, preoccupied.

Erin pushed the shirt off Holtzmann's shoulders and she let go of Erin for a second, allowing the shirt to be thrown to the side. She put a finger under Holtzmann's chin and lifted her face back up to hers, kissing her before rolling over so that she was straddling Holtzmann. Even though Holtz always did the work, they had tried this a few times and Erin found she liked being on top of Holtz, because of the way her blond hair spread out across the pillow. Few things were more beautiful, she decided.

It's not like everything they did was one-sided. On a few occasions now, Erin helped Holtz out just with some over-the-jeans rubbing. But that's as close as she got to Holtzmann.

So she was surprised when she felt Holtzmann's delicate hand wrap around her wrist and place it on Holtz's stomach. She looked down at Holtz, who seemed concentrated and nervous, and she looked back up at Erin with troubled yet lustful eyes. Erin wasn't quite sure what Holtz was planning, but she leaned in and started kissing her softly for comfort.

While they kissed, she gradually felt Holtz move her hand lower until her fingertips were under the hem of Holtz's jeans. With her other hand on Holtz's shoulder and her palm on her heart, she could feel how nervous Holtzmann was. "It's okay." She whispered softly, to calm whatever it is Holtz must be feeling.

With a deep breath, Holtzmann slowly guided Erin's hand lower. As soon as Erin moved her fingers though, Holtz pulled back sharply and rolled away from Erin, covering her face.

"I'm sorry!" Erin said, startled. "…Holtzy? Are you okay?"

"I'm sorry." Holtz mumbled into a pillow. "I'm sorry." She was silently crying.

Erin sat up on her knees and tucked her feet under her, worrying that she had done something wrong. "Hey, Holtz… why are you apologizing?"

"I'm sorry." She was shaking softly.

"For what?" Erin hesitantly put a hand on Holtz's shoulder, hoping she wouldn't pull away again. When she didn't, Erin rubbed her shoulder blade gently. She eyed the shallow scars and imperfections across Holtzy's bare back, each of them caused by someone intentionally hurting her. One of the scars ran below the waistline of her jeans, and Erin wondered for the first time if there were more scars below her waist, and if that was part of the reason Holtz didn't want Erin to see her.

"Holtz?"

"I'm sorry."

"Stop apologizing. I don't even know what you're apologizing for."

"…Where do I start?" Holtz muttered so deep into the pillow it was almost unintelligible.

Erin sighed and laid down next to Holtzmann, keeping her hand on her shoulder. "Do you think I'm upset about something?"

Holtz didn't answer.

"I have an idea. But you have to understand that I'm not offended by you pulling away. I think it's a HUGE step forward, what you just did. And if we went too fast, I'd be worried that you felt like I was pressuring you. You don't feel like that, do you?"

Holtz still stayed quiet.

"Holtz. You're starting to worry me. Do you feel like I was pressuring you to do that?"

Holtz sniffled. "No." She mumbled. "I really, really want to… I want you to touch me… but I can't…" She started shaking again.

Erin's heart broke. "Holtz…" She nudged Holtz's shoulder softly, urging her to turn and face her. Tears were welling up in her own eyes, too. "Holtzmann, look at me."

Holtz hesitantly rolled over. Her eyes were ringed with redness, and they sparkled with tears. The tip of her nose was red and she looked scared and vulnerable, biting her bottom lip to keep it from shaking.

"Holtzmann…" Erin whispered softly. She had no idea what to do. "…If this is part of healing, I wanna be with you every step of the way. However long it takes. I don't care. Count me in for the long run, okay?" She ran her thumb over the bridge of Holtz's nose and across her cheek, wiping the streak of a tear.

Holtzmann blinked and more tears fell. "You don't wanna wait around for me." She whispered. "Trust me."

"Stop it. Stop doing that to yourself. What, do you think I don't love you?" Erin said before she could realize what she was saying.

Holtzmann's breath hitched softly and she looked at Erin. She gave Erin a minute to take it back.

Erin said nothing.

"Did you-"

"Sexually, I think we're doing just fine together. There's no need to "wait around" for anything because we're doing as much as we need to. I'm happy. I don't need you to step outside your comfort zone. Are you happy?"

"No." Holtz whispered.

"Wh- why not?"

Holtz covered her face again and started crying again.

Erin gently pulled one hand away from Holtz's face. "Why are you not happy? Holtz, can you talk to me?"

"Because… I thought I was… thought I was fucking past all this. And then you came along and made me rethink any plans I had for abstinence, pretty much since the day I met you. I thought I was good, I thought I was okay. You just proved that I'm not as okay as I thought I was."

"Well I'm sorry I made you realize that but don't you think it's better that you find someone like me who cares about you rather than considering yourself untouchable for the rest of your life?"

Holtzmann looked pained, like this was the second last place she wanted to be. "This is so messed up. I'm sorry."

"Stop it. You know what's messed up? Expecting you to come out of this without a few scars. That's messed up. I'd be worried if you acted like nothing happened; no human being could possibly come out of that unscathed, genius or not. Don't you think this-" She gestured to Holtz. "is far more progress than showing no emotion whatsoever?"

"Stop." Holtz mumbled.

Erin let it go for now, rolling over onto her back. She kept her arm around Holtz and closed her eyes, giving Holtz a much-needed break. They lay together like that for what must've been at least half an hour, while Erin listened to Holtz's breathing gradually slow back to normal.

Listening to Holtz breathe, Erin could not think of a time when she felt more helpless. Here was one of the most amazing women in the world, and everything that was hurting her was in the past. The irreversible damage has already been done. Erin couldn't even get revenge on these people because it would put Holtzy in danger.

She didn't regret using the word "love" earlier. She meant it. She surprised herself by saying it out loud, but she meant it.

~/~

This banter was horrible. Erin thought that teaching a 300-level Physics class would bring her a more mature audience of committed students. But she was wrong. As it turns out, the only pre-requisite for this class was Physics 101, and her Particle Physics class satisfied a Gen-Ed requirement for "depth" of a subject. Great.

That would explain the jocks that sat halfway up in the lecture hall and put their feet up on the table. There were the ones in the back who really didn't want to be here, and the ones in the front row who really did, and again, the jocks who were determined to make a joke of this. No doubt they were only fueled when the saw that their professor was a "hot" woman.

Which, in turn, explains why they were now debating whether she had a boyfriend or not, and if she goes to the gym to work out. It's the kind of harassment she might normally report, but she was kind of on thin ice with the dean right now, and her mind was on Holtzy, who was in Washington with Spencer.

Besides, so far the banter was mostly friendly, and she'd heard a lot worse. For now, they were just the jocks being the jocks. And she did hate to give them that stereotype, because she was pretty sure the dedicated Physics major in the front row was on the wrestling team.

Even with Particle Physics being a Gen-Ed satisfying class, by the second week all but about twenty kids had dropped, and she had a nice lecture hall of about 200 seats, mostly empty.

"Do you think he has a big dick or a small one?" One of the jock's voice echoed down the lecture hall while Erin drew a chart of the Standard Model on the whiteboard. They were still discussing this "boyfriend" they assumed she had.

"I bet it's big. Anything smaller seems kind of out of her league." The other jock answered. They weren't trying to be quiet.

"Really? I feel like she would pity a small dick, and like, feel bad for the guy so she would do him out of pity."

Erin finished drawing and turned around, picking up a stack of papers of the same model to pass out to them. "You do know I can hear you?"

"Oh, good, so can you answer that for us then?"

"Yeah, we're really wondering."

Someone in the very back snickered.

"I will not dignify that with a response." She said.

"She doesn't have a boyfriend." One of them concluded.

"Hey, Dr. Gilbert, will you go out with me?" The other jock tested her.

"I am in a committed relationship." She said, looking down to sort the papers into rows.

"I told you."

"Will you settle this between us, then we'll be quiet? He thinks your boyfriend has a big dick, I think he has a small one. Who's right?"

Erin gave a small, nervous laugh. "Actually, I have a girlfriend, so you're both wrong. Pass these back, please." She handed the first stack of papers to the girl in the front row.

That shut the jocks up.

"Plot twist." Someone in the back sang, making a few others laugh.

One of the jocks coughed loudly. "My friend needs to go to the bathroom." He said.

"He should have gone before class."

The other jock spoke up, "I didn't have a hard-on before class. Actually, I only got it when you said you're a lesbian."

Erin glared at him, but not angrily. "This is COLLEGE. You don't need to ask to go to the bathroom."

Someone who sat in front of the jocks and was clearly annoyed leaned back and said to them, "You know she's just saying she has a girlfriend to shut you two the hell up."

Erin raised her eyebrows in amusement, looking down at her laptop as she pulled up the powerpoint.

"Shit. That actually woulda been really cool." One of the jocks said, and Erin gained a little respect for him.

~/~

So many times during Holtz's 11 years in hell, she replayed in her head the last thing she said to each person she cared about. It always hurt most when she thought about her father, because the last time she saw him, they were fighting. She remembered him as such a sweet person who almost never yelled, and that's why this memory hurt so much, is because it was mostly her yelling at him.

After she was kidnapped, she knew he would be the one taking it the hardest. She knew he would expect himself to save her. For a long time, just thinking of the words "daddy" and "home" would make her tear up instantly. But as the years went on, the message she kept trying to get across to her father stopped being "please help me, dad" and became "It's not your fault, dad"

As Holtzmann looked out the tiny plane window, watching it land in Seattle, she quickly wiped a tear away, hoping Spencer didn't see it.

"What if he thinks I'm your girlfriend?" She asked. For some reason she would be thrilled if her brother said that he was gay, but she didn't think that he was.

"I'll make it clear that you're not." Spencer said, stuffing a crumpled napkin in his empty plastic cup and placing it in the garbage bag as the stewardess walked by.

"Does he still tease you every time you mention a girl's name?"

Spencer laughed. "I think that's something parents do to their elementary schoolers."

"Oh." She wished Erin were here to decode all these social interactions for her. Back at the JFK airport, when some man kindly offered to lift her bag into the overhead compartment for her, she tried to pay him but all she had in her pockets after the TSA search were some crumpled Chuck-E-Cheese tickets (which she got from a child in her apartment building after she traded him a frog for them) and she offered the man the tickets anyway. "What does he look like?"

"The same, but maybe a little heavier and with white hair." Spencer said.

"When are you gonna tell him who I am?" She whispered.

"Back at the house. We don't want to make a scene in the airport and we don't want to distract him while he's driving."

She usually didn't mind large crowds. In fact, she usually liked them because they kind of got her excited. Just the energy of everyone moving together made her feel like part of something bigger than her. Plus, someone was far less likely to hurt you in the middle of a large crowd of witnesses. But today, she was so nervous that she wanted nothing more than to be out of that airport for good.

"There." Spencer pointed, then waved, once they got their luggage and headed towards the doors.

Holtzmann scanned the crowd of people near the door for her father. She still couldn't see him.

Spencer took her hand and started walking.

She watched the shiny floor in front of her as she walked. After 17 years, this moment was one of the ones she had been waiting for most. And now it was finally here, right this very second. She wanted to make sure she was ready for it. Finally she looked up.

And almost cried. She thought she prepared herself for this, but she wasn't expecting him to look _so familiar_. He looked practically the same. Maybe whiter hair, more worry lines than smile lines, but he looked more familiar than she has ever pictured him, and she wanted to cry.

"Dad, this is my friend, Dr. Holtzmann. She's one of the Ghostbusters." Spencer introduced. He was looking forward to breaking the news later.

But it looked like he wasn't going to get that chance.

"Hello…" Mr. Andrews said hesitantly, as if noticing something about Holtzmann. He stepped forward and held out his hand.

She took it but forgot to shake. "Quite a son you've got. We're very glad to have him on the team."

"Nice to meet you, and thank you for h- I'm sorry, but you look…" He wasn't going to say "familiar" because that would imply he couldn't quite place where he'd seen her before. He knew exactly who she looked like. "You look… like someone I know." He said sadly.

"Funny, Spencer said the same thing." Holtz joked.

Mr. Andrews turned to Spencer, and he communicated something unspoken.

Spencer looked like he'd been put on the spot. "Let's get home, okay?"

But their father wasn't as oblivious as they thought he'd be.

He looked back and forth between the two. "Your voice sounds so familiar, too. Spencer, who is this?"

"Let's get back to the house, okay Dad? Then we'll talk."

Holtz couldn't help but smile, and she remembered that's what did it for Spencer; the dimples.

"You…" Their father stopped. "Spencer. Who is this?" He repeated.

Spencer gave in and shrugged, giving a small, confirming nod.

"It's been a long time, Dad." Holtz whispered to herself, but she realized he might've heard that.

Still looking more confused than anything, their father hesitantly reached out and pulled her into a hug which grew tighter as she hugged him back.

"Oh my god." He whispered, sounding sad. "I know I'm dreaming, and I don't want to wake up. Oh my god."

Holtz gave in to her inner child and said let this play out the way she'd imagined it only ten thousand times. "I missed you, Dad."

And that's what set him off crying. Passerbys probably thought this was one of those military reunions.

Holtz, admittedly, started crying too. She found herself mumbling, "I'm sorry for yelling at you."

That only made him cry harder. He squeezed her tight then pulled back so he could look at her face again. She pulled the yellow glasses down off one ear so he could see her eyes better. She remembered that an airport is not the best place to make a big scene, especially with her family members. If the right person recognized her it was over. And the danger was even more present in her hometown.

Spencer read her mind. "Hey, Dad, let's continue this at home, okay?" He put a hand on their father's shoulder and gently pulled them apart.

But their father naturally couldn't stop looking at her. "How… how are you here? How is this possible?"

"Let's talk at home." She said gently.

"I promise, we'll explain everything." Spencer said.

That made Holtz want to laugh and cry. There was no way she was going to tell them everything. They'd be lucky if she told them 4% of what happened. She had already vowed to only use the word "kidnapped." That's all they needed to know. She was scared to let them leave the rest to their imaginations, but she was even more scared to say it out loud. Besides, they couldn't imagine much worse than the truth.

Spencer had to drive them home because their father was too in shock. Spencer convinced him to sit up front, so Holtz had the backseat to herself and could get a minute to breathe.

Her father kept turning around to look at her, and she wondered what it was like for him. She looked nothing like she had when she was fifteen, and that was only partly due to the fact that she made a strong effort to change her appearance after she escaped. She had dyed her hair dark brown for a while, but gave up on maintaining that and now it was back to the same blond it was when she was a kid.

She wasn't as surprised as Spencer was though that their father recognized his own daughter. She had a feeling he might.

The whole ride home he could barely even form words, just kept looking back at her. Driving down her childhood street was like being in a dream, and it was at night which brought everything into sharpened focus and made life right now seem even more surreal.

She wiped away each tear as soon as it formed so she could see better as her father unlocked the front door of her childhood home and she followed him through the hallway into the living room. The couches were different. The walls a different color. And everything was in boxes, like he was preparing to move.

"I just cannot believe this is real."

"Holy shit." Holtz muttered happily to herself, looking around.

"Spencer, can you explain everything to me?"

"Dad, listen, you know how I went to D.C. to talk to the Ghostbusters? She's one of them and, she recognized my name, I didn't recognize her at all. And she kind of kept it to herself but then she told me and I didn't believe her and she proved… just trust me Dad, it's Mavis. I know how crazy it sounds. I didn't believe her at first either." Spencer's words all kind of jumbled together.

"Oh my god…" Their father said, dragging out his words. With one hand over his mouth, he walked over to Holtz and held her at arms' length, just looking at her. "My baby girl." He whispered, tears filling his eyes as quickly as they were falling. "My baby girl." He finally hugged her again, tight.

She let herself cry. "I'm home, Dad."

~/~

Flashback: 1 year ago.

Int. Chelsea Hotel – night.

Holtzmann and Abby's 8-night ghost hunting adventure at the Chelsea Hotel (as mentioned in the movie)

Day 6 of 8.

"Abby, Abby, c'mere. Check this out." Holtzmann lay on the long-abandoned cracked tile floor in the main dining hall. They were replacing the tape recorders they had left at various points throughout the hotel. They had chosen the kitchen as their sleeping location for night 6, as there were rumors that an employee got trapped in the walk-in freezer years ago, but all that was ever found of him was a few teeth.

Abby walked over to Holtz and nudged a piece of glass across the floor with her shoe. "Holtzmann, there's broken glass everywhere, you're gonna cut yourself. At least put a sheet down-"

"Wanna know why there's so much broken glass? Look." Holtz motioned for Abby to get down on the floor.

Abby reluctantly joined her, and looked up.

Far into the high ceiling, out of sight upon entry, was a massive glass chandelier the size of a small car, with thousands of dangling shards of mirror-like glass glinting light from an unseen source. The only sound besides the girls' breathing was the haunting ,light tinkling of the glass moving ever so slightly in the natural air currents and drafts that ran that high.

As if to prove how fragile and dangerous it was, a small piece of broken mirror glass fell from the chandelier, twisting through the air before landing about six feet to Holtzmann's right, with a soft _crack_ , like an eggshell, as it landed on other pieces of mirror.

"This is so dangerous." Abby whispered, worried. Holtzmann grinned wide, and both girls were equally transfixed. Neither of them wanted to leave, despite the knowledge that the next fallen piece could easily cut them open.

"Wow." Holtz whispered with a laugh.

"Wow is right." Abby agreed. "We should go."

The girls reluctantly got up. Holtz gave the chandelier a last glance. "What a beauty. 'Til we meet again, my love." She said to it, before accepting Abby's hand to help her up.

They carefully made their way through the kitchen, to the freezer.

"Let's… maybe not… sleep IN the freezer." Abby said.

"Why not?"

"Well, think about it. If that door closes, for any reason, paranormal or natural or whatever, we're trapped. Doesn't that worry you?"

"Hm. Good point. How about right outside the door? Or one of us in, one of us out?"

"Let's sleep in the doorway."

"I like that." Holtz threw her sleeping bag down, then carefully set down the much heavier equipment bag.

Within half an hour, the girls had their whole sleeping arrangement set up, their pajamas on, and their teeth brushed. Now, they sat listening to the tapes they had retrieved through headphones on Holtz's laptop.

They sat back against the door and relaxed, just listening to the tapes of basically nothing, staring into the darkness around them.

Abby sighed. "What kinds of people do you think stayed here, back in the day?"

"Dead people."

"Like, rich people, poor people? Do you think the floors were divided by class?"

Holtz shrugged. I think the third floor was shittier than the first floor. Maybe it just didn't take decay as well."

"It feels very European. You lived in Europe for a while."

"Briefly, yes."

"Are the hotels there different from the ones in America?"

"Yes."

"How so?"

"They're old."

"Oh."

"I basically lived in a hotel just like this one, actually, when I was working for CERN."

"Really?"

"No. It was more like a bed-and-breakfast out of some Irish family's house. Very informal. Very cheap. That's why I lived there. I did stay in a hotel like this one though. But only for a few days."

"Why wouldn't you just get an apartment?"

"…I'm used to living in pretty crappy places. So at that point I was just saving money."

"Where? I mean, what crappy places do you mean?"

Holtzmann sighed. "Oh, lots of shitty places of all sorts. You name it."

"Where were you?" Abby asked. "I mean like, up until now? Did you grow up in a house?"

Holtzmann laughed. "Yes, I grew up in a house. What, did you think I grew up in a log cabin?"

"Well, I always kind of assumed… more along the lines of, like, an orphanage or something. Do they still have those? Or like in foster care."

Holtz turned to look at Abby, though she could barely see her in the dark. "I'm not an orphan." She said with a small laugh.

"…Really? I always kind of assumed… So you have parents and everything?"

"Yes."

"Huh. You kind of give off an orphan-vibe, you know?"

"I'm not familiar with the "orphan-vibe""

"Just like that one guy said you give off a very "gay vibe"" Abby pointed out.

"Well, there are reasons for THAT."

"That's fair. I don't know, I just always assumed you were an orphan. You never talk about your family."

"There's not much to talk about."

"You stayed here and worked in the lab the past two Christmases and Thanksgivings."

"You stayed last year." Holtz pointed out.

"I'm not close with my parents. You know that." Abby said.

"I do know that."

"But I don't know anything about you."

"There's not much to know."

"Really? You're such an interesting person, you're telling me you haven't done anything exciting in your life until now?"

"Nope."

"You got your doctorate degree in three years."

"Is that exciting?"

"No, I mean, why didn't you get it sooner? Where were you instead of college?"

"…Busy."

"Doing what?"

"Stuff."

"Holtzmann." Abby said in her no-nonsense voice.

"What?"

"Were you like, a spy or something? You always seem like you're being secretive of something."

"You would too…"

"What?"

"Listen, Abby, I have been some pretty not-great places. I'd take an orphanage any day over where I've really been."

"…And where is that?" Abby asked gently, recognizing that she had Holtz in rare form right now, actually talking about her past.

"You're better off not knowing." Holtz said, flinging a broken piece of tile away from her.

"You just implied that you'd rather be an orphan than… be wherever it is that you were."

Holtz sighed, frustrated. "I practically was an orphan, past a certain age. And I might as well be one now, because I haven't talked to or seen my family in over fifteen years. It's just… really complicated."

They were quiet for a long time, before Abby finally said softly, "Where were you?"

Holtzmann sighed and rested her head back against the freezer door. She licked her lips before she started speaking, and she sounded more mature, yet more scared and vulnerable. "You know how… sometimes people want something, and they can't get it for themselves?"

"…Yeah?"

"So they pay someone else to get it for them. They pay them a LOT of money. Well, the person who gets it for them has to get it from somewhere. They have to take it away from someone else. They steal it. Well, sometimes… that thing that they want is a person. Doesn't matter what person. Usually… a female person. And since it doesn't matter what person, they'll take whoever is easiest to take. Like, maybe someone who was in the wrong place at the really, really wrong time, with no one around to help them. So they take that person… and never give them back."

"You're talking about kidnapping someone." Abby said gently.

Holtz nodded, tears forming.

"…You were kidnapped?" She whispered.

Holtz nodded again, wiping her eyes with the back of her wrist.

"And… sold to someone?"

"So many someones."

"Holtzy…" Abby didn't know what to say. She had never really seen her friend in tears before, and she didn't usually do well when people started crying in front of her.

But Holtz wasn't full-out crying. She had her head turned away from Abby.

"Why would someone do that?" Abby wondered aloud.

Holtzmann looked back at her.

"Why does someone just need a random person? Like, I thought kidnappings were usually targeted." Abby said.

"Females. They want young girls, Abby. I don't think I need to explain the rest of that to you." Her voice choked up.

"No, I get it." Abby said, though she hadn't quite gotten it until Holtz said that. "They took you from your family? I mean, for how long?"

"…I haven't been back."

"What does that mean?"

"It means I haven't seen my family or contacted them since I was fifteen."

"What? Why?"

"Because doing so could get me killed. Or worse, get me caught again."

"You'd rather DIE than go back where you were?"

"I don't think you get it, Abby. If they ever find me again… Just give me a gun and I'll do it myself." She sounded scared. She thought about the red mist that sprayed into her eyes when she shot Nox in the car.

"You're scaring me, Holtzy." Abby said.

"I'm sorry. This is why I don't talk about it. Don't ask me about this anymore."

"Okay."

~/~

Flashback: Holtzmann's car accident.

 _She was in the back of Nox's Camaro, her hands cuffed behind her back and looped under the seatbelt tongue sticking out of the wedge between the seats, so she couldn't bring her hands in front of her._

 _The car reeked of cigarette smoke, as did her skin just from being in it for hours. The girl next to her had stopped crying. What was her name? Lena, Lana? Probably not her real name anyway. The windows were tinted, and Guns n Roses blasted from the cassette as Nox flew down the highway. The button on his gun holster hadn't quite snapped all the way, and she had been staring at it for hours._

 _The details in her mind were fuzzy, but she remembers that somehow she and Lena had reached a silent agreement that one of them would get the gun and take out Nox once and for all. Grab the gun, like she'd never thought of that before. She'd never done it before because killing Nox while he was driving would result in a crash that would likely kill all the passengers as well._

 _This was the final level of giving up._

 _She slowly worked her hand free from the cuff while turning her head away so Nox wouldn't see the pain on her face when he checked the rearview mirror. The cuff had been loose, but it wasn't as easy as she thought. She couldn't see her hands while she worked, but she could feel that they were covered in wetness and her vision started to swim, whether from pain, fear, adrenaline, or blood loss, she didn't know._

 _Tears stung her eyes as she stopped forcing the cuff, realizing there was no way this was going to work. This is about as far as she's ever gotten. But she'd never really been in a situation where the only thing separating her from freedom was a pair of cuffs. And with Sivan gone for two weeks now, she only had to worry about herself for once. Now she was staring at the man who let her best friend die; who did absolutely nothing about it. She wanted to scream in frustration and kick the passenger seat in front of her and cry. Instead, she took a deep breath and channeled that energy. She stuck her left thumb out and sat on her fingers hard. She bit back a scream until her lip bled, thankful that the music was so loud._

 _Of course that wasn't enough, because that would be too easy, right? She had to repeat this five more times just to break a few more bones. The worst part was pushing her broken thumb in the opposite direction she had broken it in, so it would fold against the back of her hand. She was willing to do anything thinking that the sweet relief of death was just moments away._

 _Finally, the cuff was forced off and she brought her arms in front of her, the left trembling and coated with shiny blood and trails down to her elbow, and her right hand covered in blood from the left, with one end of a handcuff around her wrist and the free end dangling from it. She swallowed bile and tried not to compare how vastly different the shapes of her hands were._

 _With no time to waste, she lunged forward and had the gun in her hand in under a second. The car swerved into the next lane as Nox spun around in anger to find the barrel in his face. She doesn't remember what she said to him, but she knows she said something. Then pulled the trigger._

 _As part of the deal, she quickly turned the gun to Lena next, who was glad to be on that end of the barrel rather than facing the violent motor vehicle death just seconds away. They hit a bump and the gun was knocked out of her weak right hand. More than just a bump, it turned out to be about 150 feet of guardrail. The car plunged across the grassy valley of the median, across four more lanes of traffic going Northbound, through another piece of guardrail, down a hill of tall cattails, through a long-forgotten chainlink fence, and into the cinderblock exterior of a movie theater._

 _~/~_

Present day

As soon as the phone rang that evening, Erin dove across the couch for it. She had been waiting anxiously for Holtzy's call, wondering how it went with her father.

"Holtz." She said after seeing Holtzmann's name on the caller ID.

"Hey." Holtz replied.

Erin let out a breath. "So, how'd it go?"

There was a little bit of fidgeting on Holtzmann's end. "Great. Better than I expected."

"He believes that it's really you?"

"Believes me? Erin, he recognized me in the airport! Spencer and I didn't even need to say a thing. He recognized his own daughter, I don't know why we were so surprised."

"Holtz, that's great! That is great, right?" She was worried about Holtz being overloaded with questions from her father, so maybe him recognizing her right off the bat wasn't such a good thing.

"Erin…" Holtz laughed and it also sounded like she was crying. "I don't know what shifted in the cosmos or what fucking stars aligned, but everything… is going right all of a sudden. The Ghostbusters became a success and we have our own business, we literally founded a whole new field of science, I have you, and now I found my family again and they still love me the same and they're not even pressing me with a ton of questions. I feel like I don't even deserve all this. I'm not used to this."

Erin could hear the smile in her voice, so she decided not to point out that her mother was dying. "Holtzmann, are you kidding? You deserve this more than anyone. ANYONE. You deserve more, actually. So how did he take it? How much did you tell him?"

"I told him the kidnapped part. And I told him I really don't want to talk about the rest of it. And he was okay with that. He's just so happy to have me back. I don't even know what to say, this whole day is so surreal. I wish you were here to interpret social interactions for me because I've certainly fucked up some social encounters today." She laughed. "I can't even try to explain myself using science terms because my dad doesn't get it."

"Well I'm sorry you're stuck using regular English. I told my class I have a girlfriend."

"What!?"

"I don't think they believed me. I WAS trying to get two kids to shut up, so some of them assumed that I was just saying that."

"That's funny." Holtz said. "Keep 'em guessing."

"When are you going to see your mom?"

"Tomorrow evening. She's getting treatment in the morning, so we're gonna give her time to rest up."

"Treatment? I thought… I thought it was kind of… a done deal, you know?"

"Yeah. Different kind of treatment. More for comfort. I didn't really ask for the details."

Erin could hear the sadness begin to seep through Holtzy's voice. "Holtz. I'm here if you wanna talk."

"Yeah. You should really get to sleep, though. It's late over there."

Erin glanced at her clock. it may only be 10pm for Holtz, but here in New York it was 1 in the morning. "Yeah I know. But for real, if you need me, call me any time of the day."

"Except during your class."

"I don't have class tomorrow."

"Then you should expect me to be texting you more cat pictures all day. Just because I'm far away doesn't mean I can't still annoy you."

"Are you kidding? The cat pictures alone would be annoying, but the captions you put on them are absolutely gold. I look forward to your cat texts." Erin admitted with a laugh.

"You're absolutely crazy. Go to bed."

"You too." Erin pulled the phone away from her ear to hang up, but she heard Holtz say,

"Erin, wait."

"What?"

"… You said something this morning, and I… was kind of in a dark place in my mind so I didn't respond… and if I say it to you for the first time, I'm not going to say it over the phone, I wanna say it to you in person… but I just wanted you to know that… what it is that you said this morning… I feel the same way." Holtz finished awkwardly.

Erin smiled. She knew exactly what Holtz was talking about. "I wasn't too worried." She said. "Goodnight, Holtzy."

"Night Erin." Holtz breathed, glad to get that off her chest.

~/~

 **Leave a review! Thanks so much!**


	14. Girlfriend?

~/~

"You gotta stop this." Holtz said to herself, out loud, just as if she were having a normal conversation. She talks to herself a lot. It's not that she forgets others are around, she just doesn't care.

"Stop what?" Spencer whispered across the kitchen table.

"I wanna cry because he made pancakes. I keep wanting to cry over every little detail. You don't understand, this is like every dream come true for me; everything I've been wishing for for years." Holtz watched her father in the kitchen, sliding pancakes off the griddle and onto a large plate. He turned around and walked the plate over to the table.

Holtz's eyes widened as he set the plate down between her and Spencer, then took a seat for himself.

"You should unplug that. It's a fire hazard." Holtzmann pointed to the griddle on the counter.

Her father stared at her. "…Are you really my daughter? I'm having doubts." He joked.

"I DON'T SET FIRES ON PURPOSE!" She cried with a laugh, which set the other two off laughing, and her father went to unplug the griddle.

Once he sat back down, he said, "If I recall the phone call from the principal… yes, you do."

Holtz talked with her mouth full of food, "Oh, you're gonna bring up the school bus thing, are you?"

"It never gets old."

She and Spencer reached for the syrup at the exact same time, and their hands both landed on it. Spencer let go, letting her have it.

She frowned at him. "You're my brother, you're supposed to fight me for it."

He snatched it back out of her hands, which she wasn't expecting.

After she recovered from her surprise, she tried to grab it back from him but he held his grip tight, and they struggled for it over the table.

"Oh, really you two? You're adults!" Their father said.

"No I'm not." They both said together.

Their father, who normally would have slammed his fist on the table and demand that if they're going to fight over it, he should get to use it before either of them, just looked overjoyed watching them. "Spencer, let your sister have it." He said, probably just because he liked to say the word "sister" again without the baggage.

Spencer let go, and Holtz made a face at him.

"So, Mavis…" Their father started. "I know you said last night that you don't really want to talk about where you were, and that talking about it could get you in trouble," He sounded extremely worried over that, naturally. "But you're a Ghostbuster now? Aside from… wherever it is that you were, it sounds like you've made a life for yourself. What have you been doing? Spencer said you finished school? I wanna hear all about this."

"Oh, yeah, I graduated from Stanford with a doctorate in Nuclear Physics-" She said casually.

"What!"

"…with a specialty in experimental particle physics." She finished hesitantly after his outburst.

"A doctorate degree?"

"Yes."

"Yes." Spencer added helpfully.

"…I have two children with doctorates. And I'm just a teacher at an alternative high school and your mother never even had a career anywhere. Do you know how proud that makes me?"

She smiled.

"A doctorate degree… when did you have time for that?"

"It only took me 3 years."

"… Three years from Master's to doctorate?"

"No, three years for undergrad, grad, and PhD. Total." She said.

"…I mean, I know you skipped years in grade school, but is that even possible?"

"Um… it must be, because I did it."

"Wow…" He muttered.

"There's more, Dad. Tell him where you worked." Spencer said.

Holtz looked at her father doubtfully. "I don't think he can handle that."

"Handle what? Where did you work?"

Holtz was hesitant. "…CERN?"

His eyebrows shot up. "You- you're saying you worked on THE Large Hadron Collider?"

"Well, there's only one, so yes."

"That's incredible! What happened? You didn't quit, did you? Was it too much, and you couldn't keep up? I heard people get fired regularly-"

Holtzmann laughed. "Oh, no, I kept up alright. I just… accidentally… you know, pulled my signature move on an expensive piece of equipment… and on a person."

"What's your signature move?" He asked fearfully, knowing the answer.

"Setting things on fire." Spencer chimed in.

"With a little more BOOM than usual." Holtz added. She imitated an explosion with her hands and made the mouth noise to go with it.

"Oh dear god no. You didn't." He said, but didn't sound disappointed. If anything, amused.

"Oops." Holtz shrugged.

"They fired you because of it?"

"Kicked my ass back to America."

"And then what?" He asked, fascinated with her stories so far.

"I worked in the basement of the Kenneth P Higgins institute for science, until they remembered our department still existed, then they kicked our asses out of there too. Then we started the Ghostbusters."

"Never heard of the Kenneth-"

"Yeah no one has. It's ok. I was actually offered money TO set the place on fire." She joked.

"What about you? Besides work. What have you been doing?"

Holtz sighed. "Pretty much all work. I mean, work is my playtime. That's why it's experimental particle physics, not theoretical. Though I do work with someone who specializes in theoretical particle physics. And, you could say we get along really well." She thought about Erin.

"I see. Is it a friend or a" he wiggled his eyebrows "friend?"

Holtz laughed, and she was quite relieved that he wasn't past teasing her about a love interest just because she was an adult, and especially because the few details she had given last night heavily implied rape in her past. She was glad that didn't deter him from some classic parent-child teasing.

"You could say a love interest." Holtz's smile went wider than before.

Her father looked surprised. "What's his name? I hope you know I'll need to do a background check on this guy. I don't care how old you are, I'm your father, boyfriend background checks are mandatory." He joked.

"…What's the policy on girlfriend background checks?"

He raised an eyebrow.

"Her name is Erin." Holtz said proudly.

"Hm." Her father paused. "I definitely trust girls more. I approve, background check waived." His warm smile was contagious. "And what does Erin do? Is she a Ghostbuster also?" He had meant to ask more about the Ghostbusters but this new development with his daughter having a girlfriend (or love interest of any kind, really) was far more interesting.

"Yes. She's our theoretical particle physicist. She's a professor at Columbia."

"She's a PhD as well?"

"Yeah."

"That's my girl. Go for the smart ones. You know I'm your father, it's required that I ask for the details."

"About my relationship?"

"If you want to share. I always bug him about every girl he brings home."

Holtz glanced around, remembering she and Erin were still technically a secret. "Well, we haven't told the other Ghostbusters yet that we're together. It's kind of on the down-low. Don't tell anyone. It's actually quite possible that the others still think she has a boyfriend."

"Your secret is safe. As long as it's a secret because you want it to be, not because somebody's giving you a hard time. That's not the case, is it? Nobody's making you feel like it should be a secret?"

"No, dad. We're gonna find the right time to tell them." There's no way Holtz would ever be deterred by bullies, not after what she's lived through. But she was worried about Erin, though. After seeing how Erin dealt with the professors at Columbia mocking her, Holtz was worried about her being sensitive. And Holtz already knew well that being gay in this day and age wasn't exactly simple. Holtz has been harassed for being gay before without even doing something inherently gay. Once she woke up to someone screaming homophobic things at her because she fell asleep against Abby while they were waiting in line for _Saturday Night Live_ tickets. It's certainly not an easy world, and Holtz was worried that there was only so much she could do to protect Erin.

She looked back up at her father. He was looking back at her, but his eyes had grown sad. She knew he wanted to know more about where she'd been – the bad parts – and she felt almost guilty for not telling him. She had the information he'd wanted every day for the past seventeen years, and she wasn't going to give it to him.

She set down her fork and looked at her empty plate. "Pancakes are not a finger food." She told Spencer. It was a joke from when they were kids.

He grinned wide, like he did after every little detail that told him this was definitely his sister.

"Where have you been?" Their father was obviously on a different track, tears threatening in his eyes.

"I told you, Dad. Bad places. With bad people. Who did bad things."

"That could mean anything from prison to prisoner-of-war camp!"

She sighed. "Dad."

He reached over to brush a small piece of hair out of her face, which had gotten stuck on the corner of her mouth. She instinctively flinched away from his hand and put her own hand up in defense.

He was ready to cry. "What did they do to you?"

Holtz turned the other way in shame. She couldn't help it that there was no way she could ever be the daughter he remembered.

~/~

"What did you do to your class?" One of the professors asked Erin with a laugh as she snuck into the physics lounge to grab a coffee. She faced the coffee machine against the wall and tried to ignore them.

"Hey, Erin?"

She cleared her throat softly without turning around. "What?"

"What are you doing in your class, stripping?"

She had no idea what they were even talking about and yet she was still shocked by the sexist comments that such educated people were capable of making.

"I don't know what you're talking about." She said quietly. She pressed the lid onto her coffee, hoping to slip out of there with most of her dignity.

"Hey, wait."

"I'm late for my office hours—" She said, walking towards the door without turning back.

"Hey, Erin, come sit down a minute. We never see you around here anymore." Said Claire, one of the Molecular Physicists, a woman who was always nice to Erin.

Erin hesitated as she reached the door. She thought about what Holtz would do. She'd stand up for herself.

Erin turned back around to face them. "Yeah, why do you think that is?" She gave a small, sarcastic shrug of her shoulders.

"What are you talking about?"

"Every time I walk in here it's like a comedy free-for-all for whoever wants to make fun of me. I really don't care what you say but I don't think I have to be here when you say it."

"Erin, you listen to these fartknockers?" Claire slapped the other professor on the shoulder.

Erin shrugged again. "That's all I ever hear now. Look, it's ok, you can say whatever you want. I have other places to be."

"Hey, come sit down with us for two minutes. I promise if these guys say anything bad, I'll beat them."

Erin sighed and looked back towards the door. Any other time she would be flattered that they were reaching out, but she had been planning on calling Holtzmann assuming no one came to her office hours, which, with this class, was a pretty safe bet.

Erin gave in and walked slowly back to the table. She set her coffee down and took a seat, making it look like she was doing them a favor by talking to them.

"I have two of your students in my lab." The other man said. "They said they love your particle physics class, and they weren't joking either."

Erin frowned. "I wish you would wait 'til I leave to make jokes."

"I'm not joking! They said they really do like it! I'm wondering what you do to make it so interesting. They probably love hearing about the Ghostbusters, right?"

Erin was surprised. "I- I haven't mentioned the Ghostbusters in class."

"At all?"

"No. There might be some students who don't even know I'm a part of that."

"What are you doing that's so interesting then?"

"You think I can't make physics fun?"

"Tell me your secret!" The man begged comically. "How do you get football players to like physics?"

She shrugged. "I haven't done anything different than past semesters. I see you have my two hecklers, though. The football players."

"Oh, yeah, they're hecklers in my lab, too. But seriously, what are you giving out free candy or something?"

"That's not a bad idea." Erin pictured how much fun it would be to hurl little hard candies at her students whenever they answered a question right. That might be considered harassment, though. "I did say something the other day to get those jocks to shut up, and I think the class became very interested after that." She said hesitantly.

"What did you say to them?"

Erin sighed. "They were debating… certain physical attributes of a boyfriend they assumed I had. So I told them I have a girlfriend. It shut them up." She smiled.

"Nice." Claire said.

"That's pretty good. Wait, do you really?" The man asked.

"Have a girlfriend?" Erin asked.

"Yeah."

"No." Claire answered for her.

Erin gave her a confused look.

"Because you're dating that other guy – what's his name? Phil Hudson?"

"Oh, no, we broke up."

"Really? I really thought that was going to last." Claire said.

"So do you have a girlfriend?"

Erin looked like she was going to deny it, but then just shrugged and gave a tiny half-nod, looking down at her coffee.

"Wait, do you really? Was that a yes?" He asked.

Erin thought about Holtz, who wasn't even sort of ashamed or secretive about her sexuality. Why couldn't Erin be more like her?

Her smile disappeared. "This is just gonna give you more fuel for cracking jokes about me, right?"

"Hey, whoa, I'm not gonna make fun of you. I mean, you may think I'm a bad person, but I'm not like _that_." He said.

"Sorry." Erin said. "I don't think you're a bad person. But I'm sure you can understand why I'm a little defensive about it. Plenty of people are accepting, but there's also plenty of people who would love to hurt me."

"Well," He said. "You tell them to report to me. I'll have a word with them."

~/~

"Are there gonna be any nurses in the room?" Holtzmann whispered to Spencer in the elevator. She realized she should've thought of this a long time ago, before deciding to visit her mother after 17 years.

"We can ask them for a private minute." Spencer said.

Holtz wondered if a "private minute" would make up for 17 years without your daughter.

She wrung her hands together nervously as they walked down the hall and into a room. She suddenly felt nauseous. She didn't want to see her mother sick. Why couldn't she just remember her as she was, a strong, caring woman who did everything for herself? That's how Holtz wanted to remember her. Then she remembered this wasn't for herself, but for her mother. For closure.

She followed her brother and father past a thin curtain and took in the sight before her. All she saw of a person were two pale arms and an equally pale face. The rest was covered by a knit pink blanket, a loose fitting gown, and a pink bandana. Various personal belongings and framed pictures around her bed were intended to make it feel more like home, but to Holtz it just made it look more permanent.

Her eyes were closed. Holtz had to take a step closer just to make sure it was really her mom.

"Hey, honey." Her father walked right over and gently laid a hand on her mother's upper arm.

Her eyes opened. "Oh, I'm sorry, was I asleep?"

"You're fine. There's someone here to see you."

"Oh, no more visitors, please. I don't need more people seeing me like this. Just family."

"Dad," Spencer stepped in and took his hand, pulling him backwards, reminding him that if they were going to play this off as a hallucination, he couldn't act like he knew Holtz was there.

He stepped back and motioned for Holtz to walk over.

Her feet were frozen to the floor.

"Who is that?" Her mother asked casually. She didn't sound like her old self.

How could Spencer do this? He set this up. What, he thought Holtz could just walk in and see her mother so sick and just process it so easily? And keep going? Holtzmann was so overwhelmed by all this she felt her old coping mechanisms resurfacing. A rock. Very hard to break. Rocks don't see, feel or hear. She wanted to just become a rock again, and pretend it wasn't a human body she was standing inside of.

Well, it worked much better when she was being raped. And that's saying something. At least she learned how to deal with that as best as someone can. But this? What the hell is a human supposed to do right now?

She realized she hadn't blinked the entire time. She forced herself to blink, then jumped when Spencer put his hand on her shoulder.

"Go on." He said.

She turned and gave him a comically out-of-place how-could-you-do-this-man look. She turned back and forced her feet to move until she was standing next to her mother. She took off her glasses and squinted at the light coming in through the window. She sat down in the chair next to the bed to give her mother a closer look at her face.

"Um." Holtz croaked quietly. "Hi."

"Who are you?"

Holtz turned her head away and put a hand over her mouth, tears forming. She mentally scolded herself for being so emotional these past few days.

"This-" Her father started, but Spencer pulled him back. Her father started crying, realizing they would never be able to share their daughter again. No happy family reunion, no mutual looks of "look at our little girl, all grown up"

"…Mom?" After much thought, Holtz decided that was the best way to identify herself.

Her mother stared at her for a long time, before saying, "Oh thank god. A dream I'm not scared of. It's good to see you back, Mavis." She reached up and Holtz let herself be pulled into a hug, resting her head on her mother's chest. "Don't tell your father I was dreaming about you again." She kissed her head softly and stroked her back, as if she did this every night.

For some reason, that line broke Holtzmann. She started crying silently. She couldn't pull away; her mother's grip was strong for a cancer patient.

Her mother started rambling. "I think this is a very good sign, Mae. Whenever I dream about you, you're always an adult. That must mean you're out there somewhere, alive. If you really did die a long time ago, like Spencer believes, I would see your ghost as a child. But your spirit has aged, and so you must've as well. A mother knows these things. Do me a favor, and don't visit me in heaven for a long, long ass time, okay?" She laughed softly. "That's how I'll know you're safe."

Holtzmann bit her lip to try and stop the tears, but it didn't help.

"I love you, baby." Her mother said, her voice fading, continuing to stroke her back. "Please come home."

Holtz let herself be held close. A calming peace washed over her as her breathing steadied and her tears dried. After ten minutes, she was so at peace in her mother's arms that she nearly fell asleep.

Here was someone she would tell her secrets to. Holtz didn't think she would want her family knowing any of what happened to her, but being in her mother's arms again made her realize that she did want to talk about things. No, she _needed_ to talk about things. And she knows that if her mother were healthy, she'd be the one Holtz could open up to. They were so close when she was a kid.

Realizing that she wanted to talk about it was big for Holtzmann. But who the hell was she supposed to talk to?

Erin?

That thought scared Holtz. She couldn't even let Erin touch her without freaking out, there's no way she was going to give Erin a detailed description of WHY she freaked out.

Holtzmann realized her mother had fallen asleep. She stayed there until a nurse came in to take vitals, forcing her to leave. She walked out, numb, forcing herself to not think about how that was likely the last time she'd ever see her mother. Spencer put an arm around her and she leaned into him for support as they walked. Nobody said a word.

When they got back to the house, Holtz went straight to her childhood bedroom and shut the door. Surprisingly, they hadn't changed the room much, just added to it. Boxes were everywhere, her old dresser was there but the clothes donated; the drawers now contained various papers and collected junk. The bed and the desk hadn't been touched.

She lay on top the covers and squeezed her eyes shut, trying to get back that feeling of being in her mother's arms.

~/~

It had been two and-a-half days sine Holtzmann left for Washington, and she was coming home today. Actually, her flight already landed, Erin noted, as she checked the live airline updates from her laptop in class. She was probably more eager for this class to end than the students.

Abby was going to pick up Holtz from the airport, while Spencer stayed behind to help his dad get ready to put the house up for sale.

Erin looked back up at the powerpoint she had made about Quantum Gravity. She made the powerpoint back before she knew this was basically a gen-ed course. Now looking at it, she realized that the number of kids in her class that comprehended what was on the board, was the same number as how much of the universe humans comprehend: about 4%.

"So…" She started, defeat in her voice. "Quantum theory can only exist assuming Einstein's theory of relativity is inaccurate. Relativity cannot be easily discredited, however, as it explains much of the known phenomena in space travel, time, and structure of the universe. Relativity works on a large scale, while quantum theory explains abnormalities and phenomena on a molecular level, which is why, for the purposes of this class, we are considering Quantum Theory the standing law of the universe. If you take Dr. Albright's Astronomy course, however, you would use the Theories of General and Special Relativity. This does not mean that either one is correct or incorrect. It's the only bipartisan system that can get along at the Thanksgiving dinner table." She laughed lightly, and looked out at the class.

No one laughed at her lame joke.

Her shoulders slumped. "Class dismissed."

She turned off the projector as the sound of chairs slamming back into position on their pivots filled the room. She checked the status of the plane again, even though it already said "landed". Once the room was empty, she packed her things and slung her backpack over her shoulder.

Technically, it was Holtzmann's backpack. Holtz gave it to her after she said something about Erin "carrying a lot of tension in her shoulders" and said that it was likely because she carried her bag on one shoulder all day. Holtz could pull off wearing a backpack and make it look sexy. Erin wasn't too confident she didn't look like a complete dork.

She slipped her key into the lock of the Physics lounge to grab a coffee. She absently noted the half-eaten birthday cake on the table.

"Hey, Erin, have some cake." One of the other professors said.

"Thanks, but I really gotta go. Whose birthday is it?"

"Yours."

"…Is it really?"

He laughed. "No, but the fact that you believed it for a second tells me you're getting too lost in your work. Take a break for a while."

Oh, she was getting lost in something alright. But for the first time in her adult life, it wasn't work. "I would love to, but I'm meeting someone soon."

"…A boyfriend?"

Why was that always everyone's first assumption? "No."

"Oh." He sounded relieved.

"Eat the cake." Another professor said. "We bought it from the supermarket this time, so Johnson couldn't fuck it up."

"My cake was fine!" Johnson defended.

"I bit into a clump of flour the size of my balls!" Someone said.

Erin cringed and turned away so they wouldn't see the disgusted face she made.

"Experiments are for the lab, not the kitchen."

"That's the problem, he made it in the lab!"

"Hey Erin, what's the proper way to make a cake? Please tell Johnson that a heating chamber is not a substitute for an oven."

She frowned in confusion. "Why do you assume I know how to bake?" Honestly, she probably would have tried the heating chamber too.

"Yeah, what a sexist thing for you to assume." Someone else said, though it sounded more like he was mocking Erin's defense.

Erin put a lid on her coffee and quickly slipped out the door, hoping no one saw her.

When she thought she was alone in the empty hall, the lounge door opened and professor Richmond came out. "Hey, Erin."

"What?" She spun around, already on the defensive.

"Hey. I was wondering if you maybe wanted to grab coffee sometime."

"I just did." She hefted her cup of coffee.

"No, I mean, do you wanna grab dinner together?"

"I really can't."

"Look, I know I seem like a jerk, but it's really an act. Give me a chance?"

Erin wondered why he thought acting like a jerk all the time would be better than being a jerk. Or how it was even different, really. "I'm kinda involved with someone." Maybe her whole "dating a woman" secret hadn't spread to the whole staff as quickly as she thought it would.

"You just said you don't have a boyfriend, so I know you're lying." He said, taking a step closer than Erin wanted.

"Well, that's not entirely—"

"Just give me one chance to prove myself. I swear I'm not really a bad guy." He put his hand on the wall next to her head.

He might say he's not a bad guy, but his body language was suggesting otherwise.

"I'm really not interested." She said firmly.

"You won't regret it."

"I said I'm involved." Her hand formed into a fist at her side and she prepared to fight him off, already measuring up which part of his nose would break easiest.

"You're lying, you said you have no boyfriend."

"I don't, but—"

"Then give me one chance."

"Yeah, I heard you the first time."

"Then give me one good reason why not."

"Hey, buddy. I think she said she's not interested." The voice startled Erin, yet soothed her at the same time. She turned to see Holtzmann standing about ten feet down the hall, almost just a silhouette against the bright light coming from the double doors. Like some kind of superhero cliché.

"We're having a private conversation." Richmond said firmly.

Holtzmann walked over, taking her time, with that adorable little swagger Erin found both corny and sexy. Holtz propped her arm up on Erin's shoulder. "This guy giving you trouble, babe?"

Erin wanted to scream with joy and hug her friend, but she kept her cool. "I was just telling him to leave. I don't think he gets the point that I'm already seeing someone." Erin kept her eyes locked with Richmond.

Holtz lowered her glasses and squinted at Richmond. She glanced down at the bulge in his pants. "You're not her type anyway."

"If it makes your ego feel a little better, you never really had a chance." Erin shrugged, with a small grin. She put an arm around Holtz's waist.

He seemed a bit thrown, but he replied, "Nice try, but I know you dated Phil Hudson. You're lying just to get away from me. You could've just said no."

Holtz turned to Erin. "That's cute. He thinks he matters enough for us to go through the trouble of pretending we're dating."

Erin couldn't believe she had gotten so lucky to be with someone who would stand up for her like this, and look so hot doing so.

"We would have to be really good actors to do this." Holtz said, leaning in to Erin and pressing her lips to Erin's.

Erin was surprised Holtz took it this far, but she parted her lips so they were full-out kissing in front of Richmond. Then she realized this wasn't going to make Richmond leave, it was only going to get real perverted real fast. She pulled away slightly and started to push Holtzmann towards the door.

Holtzmann turned back to Richmond. "Take away from this what you will." She winked.

"God, that was hot." Erin said to Holtz, knowing Richmond could probably still hear her.

In response, Holtzmann held Erin's hand while they walked.

They pushed the double doors open into the bright afternoon sunlight.

"How did you get here?" Erin asked.

"Abby picked me up from the airport. She's waiting in the car." As if remembering this, Holtz raised Erin's hand to her mouth and kissed the back of it, before letting it go so Abby wouldn't see.

"You don't know how happy I am to see your face." Erin said.

"Ditto." Holtz bumped her shoulder softly, grinning up at Erin.

Erin wondered how long they were gonna keep being open about their relationship with practically everyone except Abby and Patty.

~/~

 **a/n sorry that updates here are a bit delayed behind this same story on ao3. I'm just not sure if anyone is still reading this here on fanfic so I'm not sure if it's worth updating.**


	15. Fire

**A/N Agent Lynch is the one played by Cecily Strong. Also thanks for the feedback!**

Holtzmann slouched comfortably in a chair in a small waiting area at the town hall. She had been called in, alone, and she still wasn't sure why. She was pretty sure they were going to address her use of Americium 25, which would likely put her in prison for a long time. Maybe Guantanamo.

She picked up a wrinkled magazine on the table next to her. The bottom of the cover was missing from where they cut out the barcode and address. She handed it casually to the well-dressed man sitting next to her, without looking at him. "This is highly classified and time sensitive. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is enclosed within these pages. Walk out now and don't make eye contact. Godspeed." She said without looking at him and without moving her mouth.

He took the magazine and then turned to her. "This is "Better Homes and Gardens" from two years ago."

She snatched the magazine back. "Great, now you blew it. 10/10 would recommend, though. Always a great read."

Agent Lynch stepped out from around the corner. "Holtzmann?"

Holtz stood up and followed her. "That's Doctor Holtzmann to you. I paid a lot of money for some guy to forge a degree certificate for me."

Agent Lynch led her into a room and closed the door. "We know went to Stanford, we have your transcripts."

Holtz took in the scene. Two men stood next to the desk that was almost too big for the room. The name plate on the desk said Jennifer Lynch. "I can explain the Interpretive Dance class." Holtz joked absently as she wondered what this was about.

"Have a seat." Lynch sat behind her own desk, and Holtzmann took a seat in one of the two chairs in front of it. She kicked her foot up on the edge of the desk, and Lynch said nothing.

"This is like, the principal's office for adults, right?" She recognized one of the men as the Mayor's assistant, and the other looked more like a classic government agent should look. Black shades and a suit that was beyond black, it was government black. ((Psych reference))

"We need to talk." Lynch said.

"Really?" Holtz automatically had a sarcastic response. "I thought we were here to form our own a cappella group."

"The other day I received a visit from a woman named Rachel Carrow. Does that name ring a bell?"

Holtz froze, but tried not to let it show. She cocked her head in suspicion. "Kinda."

Lynch continued. "She informed me that one of the Ghostbusters was a former client of hers." She again waited for Holtzmann's response.

"Okay?" Holtz said.

Lynch sighed and got to the point. "She said you're drawing too much attention to yourself. All of you are, but you're the one she's worried about. I didn't know what she was talking about. I mean, I do think all of you are drawing a lot of attention to yourselves, but I didn't see any problem with you in particular. You're just as bad as the rest of them, in my opinion. I had no idea what she was talking about. But I take it you already know what her organization is, and who her clients are, right?"

Holtz had avoided eye contact this whole time. She squinted at one of the tiny flags on the desk. Carrow was the woman who gave her the identity of Jillian Holtzmann.

"Doctor Holtzmann. You have to work with me on this. We both know the answer."

"If we both know the answer, then why are we talking?"

"Because it needs to be addressed."

"I will keep a lower profile. Okay?" She started to get up.

"No, sit back down, we're not done."

Holtz gave an exaggerated annoyed sigh and fell back into her seat.

"We always need to be informed when we run into a situation like this. You should have informed us upon our first encounter that we're dealing with a victim of human trafficking."

"What? Why should I have informed you? And what do you mean, "dealing with?"" Holtz got defensive.

"You are under aid from the government. We are the government. If you're receiving assistance from one governmental department, and you get involved with another department, we need to know."

"I'm not getting aid anymore." She said.

"You're not receiving any financial help or housing benefits or assistance whatsoever from Ms. Carrow's organization anymore?"

"Ha! You should see my apartment. Then you'd KNOW I'm not getting any help."

Agent Lynch looked down as if to check her papers again. "You still should have informed us that you were a past victim and received past assistance. Technically, the confidentiality and protection you received before follows you for life, so you're always under government protection. For life."

"I know."

"You should have informed us that you are technically receiving aid from another governmental department."

"I'll let you know if it happens again." Holtz said coldly.

"Jillian, you're acting like I'm the enemy. We're trying to help you."

Holtz frowned at being called that name. "Point taken. Can I go now?"

Lynch sighed. "You're free to leave anytime you want—"

"Cool." Holtz jumped out of her chair and headed towards the door.

"Just keep out of the spotlight, okay? We're trying to protect you and you're just making our job harder."

Holtz turned around and frowned. "I'm making YOUR job harder? Where's Carrow? Why couldn't she tell me this herself? And who the fuck are these guys just standing here listening to all this? And why is he wearing sunglasses?" She pointed to the classic-agent looking man. She addressed him. "We're indoors!"

"Why are YOU wearing sunglasses?" He asked.

Holtz was startled to hear him speak. That just told her he wasn't as official as he looked. "…Touché." She pointed at him in mutual understanding.

"I'm sure you know Ms. Carrow is a very busy person—"

"Yeah, so is the mayor's assistant, and he's still here. Can I at least talk to her?"

"She's too busy dealing with current clients to worry about past ones. I'm sorry this team isn't cutting it for you."

"I just don't see why they have to be here. Listening to all this. You can understand that as far as conversation starters, it's not in my top 10."

"I get that it's hard but it's a reality. As a government that protects its people, we have to face these things. That means addressing the difficult subjects. I'm sorry if you don't like it, but that's just how we run here."

Holtz had been about to leave but that pissed her off more than she thought possible. She marched back over to the desk. "Are you protecting your people or are you just putting duct tape over the wounds? What are you guys ACTIVELY doing to prevent trafficking? Or to rescue people who are currently being trafficked? There were so many chances when just one critical eye, one second glance could have saved me and my friends, but nobody cared enough because nobody knew it was a problem. You wanna talk about addressing the difficult subjects? How about informing the public so that it doesn't happen to them or their children? Relatively speaking, I'm not the one that needs help. You need to go after the source."

Agent Lynch stood still, like a robot, before saying, "Do you think we're not actively looking for missing children? Or following leads, or tracking suspects? It's not my division, but I will defend the government, because I know we're doing the best we can."

"Then how come I've seen your agents look right over me? Or interrogate someone who was holding me captive, only to decide he was innocent? Do they know that you're not supposed to question the victim and the suspect in the same fucking room?"

"If someone trained in this talked to you and didn't recognize the issue at hand, they maybe you weren't making it obvious enough. Did you ever think of that? Rescue can't be a one-sided effort."

Holtzmann couldn't help but be brought right back to Nox's mansion, where an officer had come to question him. She had dropped a small piece of paper that said "HELP" written in lemon juice, so it would only show up when heated. A trick she learned from a science kit as a kid, and she knew the police were well aware of this. She put the note in the officer's hand but he saw nothing on it so he threw it away. Right in front of her. Nox found the note, read it, and proceeded to beat her with a pool stick until it broke in half, leaving bruises and joint aches that lasted for weeks, listening to Nox threaten to kill her family if she ever did it again.

"…Nevermind. Maybe I wasn't trying hard enough." She said softly, walking out the door and pulling it shut behind her.

~/~

Holtzmann slammed on the brakes, sending everyone falling forward. "This is it."

"Really, Holtzy?" Patty complained about the sudden stop.

"You knew where it was, that sudden stop wasn't necessary." Abby said.

"Everything I do is calculated and necessary." Holtzmann said seriously. Then she broke into a grin.

"This is where you live?" Erin asked, glancing up at the five-story brick building with few windows and minimal landscaping. A lawn chair sat on the grass next to the walkway, but it looked like the seat had been punched through.

"This is where the magic happens." Holtz said, although she believed that lately the "magic" has been happening on both Erin's couch and bed.

Abby shrugged. "It's not the worst place ever." She of course had been here before.

"Yeah, it ain't exactly Buckingham Palace, either." Patty said.

"You guys have got to meet Gregory. He's hilarious. He probably brought home dinner, too." Holtzmann got out of the Ghostbusters hearse and went to the trunk to grab her luggage. She had brought home two suitcases of stuff from her old bedroom, with the knowledge that anything left behind was likely going to get thrown out in the move. One of the suitcases was filled entirely with notebooks.

Holtzmann had no trouble carrying both heavy suitcases up the front walkway, but Erin ran ahead to take one from her anyway.

"Third floor." Holtzmann kicked the elevator button since her hands were full. The doors creaked open and she dragged her suitcase inside. Patty got in after her.

Erin tried to follow but Holtz said, "I wouldn't put more than two people in here at a time. It's not exactly what some would call "stable", or "safe", or "functioning all the time""

Erin stepped back and waited with Abby. Holtz made a goofy face as them just before the doors closed.

"I shoulda taken the stairs." Patty said. "Dying in an elevator is the LAST thing I wanna do."

"Dying is usually the last thing people do." Holtz said helpfully as the doors slid open and she dragged her suitcase across the threshold and onto a matted carpet. A cheap, wobbly half-circle table stood across from the elevator with dusty fake flowers on it.

"You do remember the part where we hunt ghosts, right?" Patty pointed out.

"Yeah, it sounded better in my head. You win."

"Does that mean you're buying the cheese steaks next time?"

Holtzmann grinned. "What do you think?"

The elevator returned and Abby and Erin stepped out. Holtz led them around a corner to a wooden door. There was a note tacked to it.

Holtzmann pulled the pin out and looked at the note. It was a drawing of a penis. She marched down the hall to another door, stabbed the note onto that door, and yelled, "Stop putting holes in my door!"

She returned smiling and casually reached into her bra and pulled out a key. She unlocked the door and the others followed her in.

"Wow." Erin said, stepping through the doorway which opened right on the living room. A small wall separated the tiny kitchen. "It's so much cleaner than I thought."

"Don't open any doors." Holtz warned. "There's a possibility that one of them contains the hell hounds."

"They're not in here." Patty said, opening the fridge.

Holtz walked over to Erin. "Why are you so surprised it's clean?"

"I don't know, you seem like you… have things in a particular organized chaos."

"Nice save." Patty muttered.

"Where's your roommate?" Abby asked.

"M.I.A." Holtz replied. "Missing, I Assume."

"Oh."

"Haven't seen him in a few months. I think he's been here though. Because I'll be honest with you, I certainly didn't leave it this clean." She laughed at herself.

"What do you mean? When was the last time you were here?" Abby asked. "I thought you live here."

Holtzmann forced herself not to look at Erin. "Well, somebody's been paying three quarters of the rent. And feeding the goldfish…" She suddenly looked panicked. "I think—" She dashed into the back bedroom to check on the goldfish.

"You only pay a quarter of the rent?" Erin called.

"He has a lot of people over. Often. He owes me a favor or two."

"For what?"

"…I assisted him with some legal trouble." Holtzmann reappeared, looking relieved."The fish are okay."

"Tell me you didn't break the law, Holtzy. We can't have that looming over our heads with the government funding us." Abby scolded.

Holtzmann pondered this. "Is it illegal to set booby traps and plant evidence on someone who actually DID commit the crime he's being framed for?"

Abby had to think about it.

"Yes." Erin said at the same time Patty said, "No."

"…Soo anyway." Holtzmann said.

"Didn't you say we were gonna meet him?" Erin asked.

"Who?"

"Your roommate."

"No, I told you, I don't know where he is."

"I thought you said we were meeting Gregory."

"Oh! Yeah, Gregory. He probably got locked out. BRB." She said, dashing out the door.

"…Did she just speak an acronym?" Patty said.

""Be Right Back" literally has the same amount of syllables." Abby said. "By the way, Erin, Gregory is not… nevermind."

A minute later Holtz returned with a small orange and white cat following her.

The cat trotted up to Erin and dropped something mangled and certainly dead on her shoe.

Erin let out a small scream and jumped back.

"Aw, you were right, Holtzy. Gregory brought home dinner." Abby said.

Holtz grinned wide. "That means he likes you." She informed Erin.

Abby's phone started ringing loudly. She stepped aside to answer it.

"Is this your cat?" Erin asked. She was a little worried he was just a random cat from the street.

"Oh, He's just a cat from the street." Holtz said.

"…Cute." Erin said.

Holtzmann flung her suitcases into her bedroom.

Erin craned her neck to see what Holtz's bed looked like.

"Guys," Abby said urgently. "That was Kevin. He said someone called in about a Class 4 malevolent apparition in an office building."

Patty clapped her hands together once. "Leggo."

"Wait… Kevin said that?" Erin said skeptically.

"No. He called it a "human shaped angry thing""

"Oh. That sounds more like Kevin." Erin said.

~/~

Fifteen minutes later, the girls were fully geared up and pulling up to the scene of an evacuated office building. Patty was driving.

"Hey, outta the way, people!" Patty said, nudging some people aside with her proton wand. "We're here to get rid of the big scary dude."

Holtzmann was treating the crowd like paparazzi, even though they mostly looked scared. "Thank you, thank you, coming through. I'll sign autographs later. I love your slap bracelet."

A short balding man in a crisp navy blue suit ran up to them. "He's on the sixth floor."

"Can you lead us to him?" Abby said.

"I—I'm just gonna stay out here." He said.

They took the elevator to the sixth floor and looked around at the expansive open floor with nothing but cubicles from end to end.

"Great. How we supposed to know where it—" Patty started, but then the bathroom door slammed open and a blue shimmering figure dashed out and along the wall to the electrical panel. It appeared as though he absorbed himself into the panel for a moment, and the lights flickered.

"Packs on!" Holtzmann shouted.

The girls started up their packs and began to spread out to corner the ghost.

The ghost, which was dressed like an old coal miner, had moved slightly away from the circuit panel.

"Hey!" Patty shouted to him. "California is that way. Like, way the heck that way. I think you missed the gold rush by a hundred years or so."

This angered him, and he flared up to almost twice his original size, his eyes glowing red.

"Go home, ghost!" Patty shouted again.

The ghost began to hiss slowly.

"Yeah I think you should definitely keep talking to it like that, Patty." Erin said. "You're really mitigating the situation."

"Let's light this motha up!"

"No!" Abby and Erin said at the same time Holtzmann said "Err, bad idea."

"What?" Patty asked.

Erin had to shout over the sound of papers starting to fly around as the ghost gained energy. "Let's not shoot the nuclear lasers towards the circuit breaker!"

"It's not a circuit breaker!" Abby corrected automatically.

"Whatever you want to call it, it's dangerous to shoot at it, right?"

"Oh yeah. Definitely." Holtzmann said calmly.

"We have to lure him away!" Abby started running off in the other direction. "Over here, ghost!"

The ghost actually paused to look confused. It let out a screech that blew Patty back crashing through multiple cubicles and knocking the pack right off her. Then it continued harnessing energy out of the air.

But it was far enough away. Holtzmann and Erin shot their proton streams at him, lassoing him easily. Holtzmann kicked out the ghost trap and shoved it across the floor with her foot.

With one last dying effort, the ghost stretched itself to reach towards the panel. It caught the end of it and the proton beams failed. The girls could only watch as the ghost fully absorbed himself into the electrical panel.

He fully disappeared for a few seconds, before the panel exploded, sending debris and sparks everywhere.

The silence after the explosion was almost like another presence itself.

"Everyone good?" Abby shouted. She poked her head above a cubicle wall she had ducked behind.

"Good here." Holtzmann spit out some drywall.

"I'm okay." Erin said.

"…My earring came out." Patty complained.

Abby turned her attention to the wall, which was now a large hole with flames bursting from the edges. "You can buy another one. We should probably get out of here."

"Y'all don't understand—part of my earlobe went with it!" Patty cried.

The other three cringed.

A secondary explosion caused a few strewn papers nearby to catch fire.

"Let's go! Now!" Holtzmann shouted, getting up and dashing towards the stairs.

They ran down the five flights of stairs and out the door to hear sirens down the street.

"Patty! Where's your pack!?" Holtzmann shouted.

"It got knocked off me!"

"It's still up there!?"

"You can make another one, Holtzy."

Holtzmann glanced up at the building. Dark smoke was pouring out but no flames were showing. She dropped her pack to the ground and ran for the door, just as the first fire engine was pulling into the parking lot.

"Holtzy, stop!" Patty shouted, but knew better than to go after her. "What the fuck is she doing!" She turned frantically to Abby and Erin.

"Sixth floor! Sixth floor! There's someone in there! She went to the sixth floor!" Abby was shouting at the firefighters that were dragging a limp hoseline to the door. They crouched at the entrance and put their masks on.

"That… fucking idiot." Patty said, clearly stressed. "I thought she was supposed to be smart. You don't run into a burning building unless you're one of those dudes!" She waved an arm at a firefighter.

"If that pack heats up to the right temperature," Abby started, looking around at the hundreds of evacuated employees. "It's gonna flatten a couple blocks."

"WE WERE CARRYING THAT SHIT ON OUR BACKS!?"

"You girls need to step away from the building." A police officer put out his arm and nudged them backwards.

Erin had not said a word this whole time. She walked backwards, looking up at the building numbly.

Another explosion rocked the building, and a few windows shattered. The thick dark smoke briefly became a fireball, then dissipated and lighter gray smoke rose up. The ladder truck began extending its ladder up to the sixth floor.

"Erin. Hey." Abby said, noticing her friend's drained, pale face.

Erin turned away from the building. She could feel the heat from this far away and she didn't want to watch. Instead of her own life flashing before her eyes, she saw Holtzmann's life in a few brief seconds.

It was essentially the thought of, she had come this far only for THIS to be the thing that actually killed her. Whatever crazy lifetime of coincidences and scenarios that had led to Holtzmann dying in a burning building right now. At least, that's how Erin saw it.

Abby and Patty looked on in silence for about three whole minutes, while Erin faced away. Erin willed herself to believe that Holtz was gonna walk out the front door carrying the pack, and be okay. She turned to face the door but saw only black smoke coming out of it, and a firefighter kneeling in the doorway, feeding the hose.

Something moved in the smoke, and Erin's heart jumped a little. Another firefighter emerged from the doorway, and just as easily, Erin's heart sank again.

"She did it." Abby said, a small grin spreading across her face.

Erin watched the doorway but saw nothing.

"Don't give up, yet, Abby." Patty said solemnly.

"No, look! She did it!" While the other two had been watching the doorway, Abby was watching the ladder that extended from the truck to the sixth floor.

Erin looked at the bucket on the end of the ladder but only saw a firefighter.

The bucket lowered to the ground and two EMTs rushed over with a stretcher. As the little door on the bucket opened, Erin caught a glimpse of a soot-covered Holtzmann on her knees, bent over herself. The pack was on her shoulders.

"Yes!" Abby screamed as the EMTs lifted Holtzmann onto the stretcher. One of them quickly slipped a non-rebreather mask over her head as the rolled the stretcher back to the ambulance. All three girls ran over. "You did it, Holtzy!" Abby cried.

But Holtzmann was tearing up from the smoke and coughing hoarse, raspy, awful noises. An EMT held the mask away from her face while she coughed, and placed it back whenever she wasn't.

Erin was the first person Holtzmann truly looked at. Their eyes met, and all Erin could say was, "You stupid—" before she gave in and kissed Holtzmann on the cheek, as close as she could get to her mouth but not on her mouth because Holtz was still struggling to breathe.

She smelled overwhelmingly like a campfire and soot smudged her skin and dusted her hair. Erin ran her hand through Holtzmann's loose hair lovingly, just out of pure joy that Holtz was alive and not wanting to let her go. She kissed her again, before remembering the rest of the world.

Erin turned around and she saw Abby pull some cash out of her pocket and hand it to Patty.

"We've gotta take her now." One of the EMTs told Erin, rolling the stretcher to the open back doors of the ambulance.

Holtz looked up at Erin again but was still struggling to catch her breath too much to say something. She didn't look as thrilled as everyone else about saving the pack and likely a lot of lives, though. She looked small and scared.

"I'll be there with you—" Was all Erin could think to say, letting go of Holtzmann's hand.

The ambulance shut the doors and Erin watched it roll away. At least the lights and sirens were off, so they weren't in a dire emergency.

Erin turned back to the other two, remembering that they just watched her kiss Holtzmann. There's weren't too many excuses that could reign that back in now. "What's with the money?" She asked.

"Patty and I had a little bet going. She bet that you and Holtzy were gonna accidentally out yourselves, and I bet that you would break it to us yourself." Abby said.

"…Wait, you knew?"

"About you and Holtzy being together?" Abby asked.

"Um, yeah, we did." Patty answered.

"But… how?"

"You're not as subtle as you think."Abby tried to put it nicely, but then decided to go right out and say it, "Erin, you're an open book."

"Oh. Great. Okay." Erin processed this. Trying to change the subject, she remembered that Holtz wasn't the only one in the fire. She ran over to a firefighter that was unpacking a tarp. "Hey, did everyone make it out okay? Besides the girl that just left in the ambulance?"

"Everyone's accounted for." She said, turning around. "It really wasn't as serious as it looks. Most of the damage is water damage from the sprinklers."

"Wait, seriously?"

"Your friend wasn't really in that much danger. I mean, from toxic fumes, definitely. It could've killed her easily, if she were in longer, and closer to the source. But the fire wasn't as bad as it looks from here. The sprinklers knocked most of it down pretty quickly." The firefighter said. She turned back and continued shaking the tarp out, then rolling it into a funnel.

Erin stepped away feeling a little better. She walked back over to Abby and Patty. "Everyone's okay." She reported. "The fire wasn't that bad."

"You two are so cute. This is gonna be so great now that the "secret" is out." Patty used air quotes.

"Well, that's definitely what every couple wants to hear." Erin muttered. "Not at all patronizing or anything." For the first time she noticed a trail of blood dripping from Patty's ear. "Oh, Patty, your earring." She remembered. She waved an EMT over.

"Thanks." Patty mumbled, touching her ear and pulling her and away bloody.

"Do me a favor." Erin said. "Don't call us "cute" again."

"O-kay." Patty said with a sarcastic wink. "Sexy."

~/~

The following is not part of the story, it is a collection of ideas / moments that Paul Feig could use to confirm Holtzbert while still getting past the Sony censors and keeping the "family friendly appeal" (although I don't see how "gay" romance is any less family friendly than hetero romance) But anyway these are some sneaky little Holtzbert moments to insert into the Ghostbusters sequel (not confirmed) (yet). I aim to have as many bullet points in this list as Paul Feig does in his "Freaks and Geeks Bible" list of things going on in the background of the school. He's a genius.

-Holtzmann pushes Erin up against a wall, says something to her (a joke or to emphasize something) with their faces an inch apart, then walks away, leaving Erin wide-eyed and catching her breath she didn't know she was holding.

-Holtzmann hip-bumps Erin's hip as part of a dance move, knocking Erin off her mark.

-piggyback ride

-Holtzmann wearing Erin's MIT hoodie.

-Holtzmann stealing a hat off Erin's head and putting it on her own, or vice versa

-Any series of subtle winks when a wink makes no sense in the given context.

-Holtzmann giving Erin the two-fingered salute in acknowledgment of an order.

-Any series of subtle smiles

-When they have to break into twos: Holtz grabs Erin's arm instantly, OR Holtzmann is giving the orders, and she pairs herself off with Erin, with a little "alright gang, let's split up." and maybe a wink. OR verbally claiming Erin "I'm on Erin's team." or "I call Erin"

-Holtzmann clinging on to / hugging Erin when something gets scary.

-Holtzmann giving Erin a kiss on the cheek in a moment of excitement or triumph, making it look like she was just going to kiss the first person she saw.

-Holtzmann asking Erin to kiss a boo-boo.

-Holtzmann making more weird faces when Erin flirts with Kevin / any guy

-Erin briefly, accidentally glancing at Holtzmann when a guy flirts with her.

-Them literally pretending to be dating just to drive away someone hitting on one of them.

-Even better, Erin being the one to step in and pretend they are dating to get Holtz out of an uncomfortable situation.

-Holtzmann accidentally spilling something on Erin's top, then looking at her shirt for a prolonged time before saying "you should go clean that up"

-Erin forgetting to answer someone's question / getting distracted when Holtzy is wearing that maroon tank top.

-"No one messes with my girl!" "Yeah! Wait, what?"

-Stranger: "Oh, I get it, you two are like, a thing, right?" Holtz: "Pfft" Erin: "No" (But Erin glances at Holtzmann before saying no) (Then the stranger doesn't believe them)

-When Erin is fighting a ghost or something, Holtzmann looking on making little grunting noises as if she's the one fighting, like one might do when playing video games.

-Holtz and Erin playing video games (I don't know how this is subtly romantic, but I really wanna see it now)

-All four of them playing Mario Kart sitting cris-cross on the floor and Holtzmann leaning to the side to bump into Erin to throw her off so Holtz can take the lead. Erin then pushing Holtzy's controller out of her hand in retaliation.

-Erin: "You let me win, didn't you?" Holtz: "You deserve to finish first" or "I'll always let you finish first"

\- Erin: "Let's not let Holtzmann drive this time…" ('cause she's such a crazy driver (not mario kart related)) Holtzmann: "You just want Holtzy in the backseat with you. Booyah!"

-Holtzmann getting actually serious and defensive when someone hurts / threatens to hurt Erin.

-Same as above but other way around.

-Erin, Patty, and Abby sitting on couch / in chairs discussing their game plan, Holtzmann walks back in from the bathroom or something (In my head she's wearing the tank top) and comes up behind Erin's chair / couch and casually starts massaging her shoulders while giving her input on the discussion. If questioned, Holtzmann answers: "You carry a lot of tension in your shoulders"

\- They walk into a scene and there's a nice looking bed. Holtzmann sees the bed, turns her head to Erin, then back to the bed.

-Erin refers to Holtzmann as "2.4 ounces of whoop-ass"

\- Erin is talking to someone in the foreground, in the fire station. Camera on Erin. In the background, Holtzmann drops down from the second floor via the fireman pole. Erin hears her land, and the camera brings Holtz into focus as Erin turns to look at her. Holtz displays a mischievous smile.

-Holtz to Erin: "You should really meet my cat(s) sometime." (But she really does mean cat. She doesn't even mean for it to be suggestive, just an invitation to her house)

\- Erin trying to walk somewhere but Holtzmann kicks her leg up on a table, blocking Erin's path so quickly Erin practically runs into her. She's either wearing shorts or half-pants or something but some part of her leg is exposed.

\- They encounter an odd character. At the end of the encounter, Holtzmann hands something to them, pats their shoulder, and says "I love ya. Don't take that personally." then says to Erin, "Except you. You take that personally."

\- Erin blushes at something (something Holtz said?) and Holtz pokes her cheek with a giggle.

-Holtzmann: "Sexiestghostbustersayswhat?" Erin: (mumbles) "Nice try" Holtzmann: "What?" (winks)

-Erin taking Holtz's glasses off for any given reason.

Take note, Paul and Katie! Just kidding.


	16. It was only a kiss

"Hey, did you guys see this?" Abby said, waving the remote at the TV.

"What?" Patty asked.

"We're on the news."

Patty and Erin gathered around the small TV to see.

A news reporter talked over a shaky cell phone video of a large, close crowd of people. The camera was lifted and showed a fire truck ladder extending into the sky. The camera zoomed in, and they could barely make out what looked like someone with a backpack being pulled into the ladder bucket from a hole in the wall. The video cut to the moment where the bucket landed on the ground, and they could clearly see Holtzmann being put on the stretcher, including the part where Erin kissed her. Twice. From the angle of the camera, it did kinda look like she kissed her on the mouth.

"What? Why would they show that?" Erin asked defensively. She really liked the fact that she and Holtz were so private. It was like their little secret.

As if on cue, the news anchor answered the question. "You might recognize those costumes as belonging to the "Ghostbusters", who were involved with the citywide power outage a few months ago."

It was still being called a "power outage" even though everyone knew it was ghosts, the news just wouldn't say so.

"Is there a romance brewing amongst the so-called Ghostbusters? And if so, is it compromising their operation? Up next—" The news anchor changed the subject to a movie-going basset hound, and cut to commercial.

""Compromising our operation" What the hell is she talking about?" Erin asked.

"Costumes." Patty scoffed. "These are A-rated protective work uniforms."

"Wait a minute, that could've been like, a friend-to-friend kiss! Why are they making assumptions based on a cell phone video?" Erin was actually getting mad about this.

"That wasn't a friend-to-friend kiss." Abby said.

"It really could've been! I kissed her cheek!"

"It didn't look like that."

"Whose side are you on here, Abby?" Erin shouted.

"Erin, I'm saying this as a friend. You need a nap or something."

"What?"

"Look: you're stressed. Holtzy's in the hospital, it's been an adrenaline-filled day, and I really just think you could use a break. There's no sense in worrying about it now."

"No, this is definitely the time to worry about it. Do you know who watches the news?"

"Um, us?"

"That was rhetorical, Abby. The answer is everyone. Everyone watches the news. My coworkers, my students, everyone."

"So who cares?"

"It's unprofessional."

"So what? It's not like it happened on campus or anything."

Erin sighed, running a hand through her hair.

"Look, Erin, you've been through too much today to worry about this now." Patty said. "Save it for tomorrow."

"I'm fine."

"Hey, it's understandable, you're stressed over Holtzy, you do not need more to worry about right now." Abby said gently.

"I'm not worried about Holtzmann. We know she's going to be okay because she's strong and because the doctor said so. They're just holding her for observation. That's not what I'm worried about. I'm worried about everything we worked so hard for being thrown away because everyone wants to overlook all the good we've done for the city, and focus on this ONE event!"

"Erin—"

"No! Can you imagine if it were men doing this instead of us? They'd play the kiss off as a joke. They'd be thankful that they have this idea of big strong men protecting them. They would recognize that they're doing good and not scrutinize every little detail about them. Do you know how much of our shit and minor screw-ups would have been overlooked if we had dicks!?"

"Yes." Abby answered honestly. "You're taking this very personally. It'll blow over. Listen, there was a moment today when you thought that someone you care very much about was in life-threatening danger. No one's expecting you to bounce back from that instantly."

~/~

Holtzmann's eyes flew open when she heard the door. She hasn't exactly had the greatest experiences in hospitals, and she had been on edge since she woke up an hour ago. The only thing she really remembers since then was this pounding headache. A dark red tube was running out of her arm. There was still an oxygen mask over her mouth and nose, but she didn't think she needed it anymore. She had gotten lightheaded from the fumes and passed out in the ambulance, and woke up in a gown in a hospital bed, soot-free. This very much concerned her. Who washed her? Where are her clothes? Did they wash EVERYTHING? She didn't have the energy to check.

Though she was pleased that she smelled like what she imagined the baby ducks smelled like at the end of the Dawn soap commercials, after they were rescued from the oil spills.

She watched the doorway carefully to see who would come around the corner.

A woman stepped out. She sat down in the chair near Holtzmann and looked at her almost with the care of a mother. "How are you feeling, Jillian?"

Holtz couldn't exactly respond with the mask. She lifted it off her face and rested it on her chest so she could say, "Carrow." Her voice was crackly and it hurt her throat to talk.

"Don't talk too much."

"Why are you here?" Going off of what Lynch had said, Holtz figured Carrow was too consumed with current clients to care about her anymore.

Carrow sighed. "You got yourself into a bit of trouble today."

"I'll remember to thank the firefighters that got me out of trouble."

"That's not what I meant. Someone took a video of you at the fire today. It's drawing quite a lot of attention and already aired on a news broadcast before we could filter it out. Every time we take it down from Youtube, someone else posts it."

"…My face?" Holtz said but it still hurt to talk.

"Yes. Anyone who watches the video can clearly see your face. However, you were quite covered in soot at the time, and so was your hair, making it somewhat unrecognizable. Why aren't you dyeing your hair like I recommended?"

"…Too much work." Holtz whispered.

"Jillian, I don't think any amount of work-saving is worth your life. You don't want to go back to those people, do you?"

Holtz narrowed her eyes. It was a cheap shot.

Things between her and Carrow hadn't exactly been left on the best note. After being re-taught the basic skills of life by this woman, Holtzmann was left in shock when Carrow essentially abandoned her once she was on her feet. It was as if one day, out of nowhere, Holtz was no longer allowed to contact Carrow at all. She had "other clients" to worry about.

Carrow set her up with college, financial aid, and housing before abandoning her. For those first few months alone, Holtz would go days without talking to anyone at all. After a few months though, she met Dr. Gorin in the experimental engineering lab, and she told herself she didn't need Carrow anymore. And she really didn't. But nothing can make up for that empty feeling of being completely shut out by the person who essentially saved you.

"You should be dyeing your hair and staying out of the spotlight as much as possible."

"I didn't ask for the spotlight. I'm just doing my job."

"You can argue with me all you want, Jillian. This is YOUR problem I'm trying to solve. I benefit not a single bit from it. So there really is no use arguing."

"What, you actually WANT to help me?" Holtz whispered coldly. It triggered a sore spot in the back of her throat and she began coughing.

Carrow reached over and placed the mask back over Holtz's mouth and nose. "Yes. You're my responsibility."

Holtz gave a pained laugh, turning her head the other way. She felt tears pricking her eyes in frustration that she couldn't just say everything she had wanted to say to this woman for years.

"Why do you seem so skeptical about my help?"

Holtz closed her eyes and sucked down a breath of air, thinking this over. She opened her eyes and pulled the mask slightly away. "First I'd like to see the Terms and Conditions that come with it."

"I don't know what you mean."

"What kind of help are you offering? You helped me get an identity, an apartment, a scholarship, and a modest bank account, and I've always been thankful for that. But what can you do now? I have an apartment, I have a job, a car, a partner, friends, and even family. I'm not sure what other resources you cover."

"We can get you temporary protection. We're already monitoring search engine hits on both your birth name and your current one, which is getting a lot of hits right now. We can station an officer outside your apartment at night, and we can give you a distress signal to keep in your pocket. I would ask if that's okay with you but it's already being worked out as we speak."

Holtz really was grateful for all of this, she just wasn't good at showing it. Carrow knew that, though. "You'll have to give the officer my partner's address, because I usually stay with her now."

"Even better. Listen to me, Jillian. Don't go anywhere alone. ANYWHERE. At least for a few weeks. Do not walk on the street, do not take public transportation, and do not go into a stranger's home or vehicle."

Holtz scoffed, thinking she had learned her lesson about getting into stranger's cars, but then she remembered how many home visits ghostbusting entails.

"And another thing: did I hear you mention family?"

Holtz knew she was in trouble now. "Um… my brother found me?"

"How recently?"

"Pretty recently."

Carrow was dead serious now. "Jillian, you realize that something like that could cause you to lose the protections we've given you? We can and have cut all ties with clients who went back to their families after being rescued."

"That's stupid." Holtz muttered.

"I'm sorry?"

"Well I don't really blame them. All us "clients" ever want is to see familiar faces again. Hug the people we love. And be loved back. I listened to you and shut them out when I could've been spending the last six years with my mother." She had to put the mask back on because the air was starting to hurt.

"How much of your family knows?"

"My dad and my brother."

"What about your mother?"

"… Don't worry about it."

"You're saying she doesn't know?"

Holtz nodded. Clearly Carrow didn't know about her mother's illness, and Holtz didn't really feel like sharing.

"Good. Keep it that way, and we might be able to keep the current protections we have in place. You recall these protections come with a price, yes?"

"I don't have any new information." Holtz groaned.

"But you still have old information that you haven't shared with us."

Yeah, and Holtz had buried that information a long time ago, deep in her mind. But the government didn't care about that. They didn't care about how painful those interrogations were for her, or the kind of emotional state that left her in at the end of the day. They just wanted the information. She had spent much of the last six years building her Jenga-tower of mental stability, and she wasn't about to give them a piece from the bottom.

"I'm sorry. It's a price I can't pay." Holtz said.

"Can't or won't?"

"Both!" Holtz said so loud she fell into another coughing fit. This time she couldn't stop and it sounded like her throat was tearing apart from the inside.

Carrow silently pressed the button next to Holtz's bed to summon the nurse. "I'll be in contact." She said, walking out the door.

~/~

Erin cursed softly to herself as she dropped a spoon on the kitchen floor after trying to balance it on a pudding cup. She picked it up and inspected it carefully, trying to remember the last time she washed her floor. She decided the five-second-rule was applicable so she took the spoon with her up the stairs.

She wasn't even sort of surprised to find that Holtzmann had arranged the pillows along the edges of the mattress so it created a sort of barrier around her. Like a fort. Holtz grinned and patted the spot next to her.

Erin shook her head with a small laugh. She was still riding that high of relief every time she saw Holtz's smile. She brought her pudding cup over to the bed. "You sure you don't want one?"

"I don't wanna eat anything. My throat is still sore."

"You need more pain meds?" Erin reached for the bottle on her nightstand.

"No." Holtz adjusted, leaning back further into the pillows and linking her hands behind her head. "I don't think it's from the smoke as much as from the tube down my throat."

"You were intubated?" Erin asked with concern, sitting on the edge of the bed.

"Just when I was unconscious. To keep my throat from swelling shut."

Erin cringed and settled into bed next to Holtzmann, kicking her feet under the covers. The pillows around them were actually a nice touch. Like Holtzmann had made her own little nest.

Holtzmann's hand rested on Erin's thigh as she let her head fall back and closed her eyes. The tv cast a bluish glow over them.

Erin tore open the pudding cup. She had gotten it for Holtzmann's throat, but if Holtzy didn't want it, why let it go to waste? "Are you sure you don't want any? Last chance."

Her eyes didn't open. She reached out and took Erin's hand, bringing it to her mouth and kissing it. She gave a satisfied smile.

"Are you okay?" Erin laughed.

"Tired."

"You've had one hell of a day." Erin brushed Holtzmann's hair out of her face to one side but it fell back. Then she tried to blow it out of the way.

Holtzmann's face scrunched up and she laughed quietly with her mouth closed. She shook her head at Erin's dorkiness. "I love you."

Erin adjusted so she was facing Holtzmann better. "Really? That's how you're gonna say it? A significant advancement in our relationship after I blow on your face?"

"You already knew it."

"Then you already know my answer."

Holtzmann finally opened her eyes. Normally a pale blue, they were darker without the lights on but also highlighted, almost glowing from the light on the TV. Her eyes themselves were practically smiling all on their own.

Something about that hit Erin and she wondered if there was a time in Holtz's life when she thought she'd never be happy like this again. Probably, Erin thought, looking deeper into her eyes.

"I love you, too." Erin said, her voice more tender than the intended after seeing Holtz's eyes. She curled the side of one finger under Holtz's chin and kissed her.

Holtzmann's stomach clenched in pain. The last person she'd said that to – and really meant it – was Sivan. She was over Sivan, and couldn't be more thrilled to be with Erin. But something about that thought… that she had figuratively left Sivan behind, and Sivan could never experience any further happiness than she did in the ring… it just hurt. A silent tear streamed down her cheek but she wiped it away before Erin could see.

Erin gently pulled back slightly until their faces were an inch apart and smiled, looking down at Holtzmann's lips. "I really do love you." She said, almost as if just realizing it herself. But when she looked back up she noticed something was wrong with Holtzmann.

"Can I do anything for you?" She offered, still worried about Holtzy's health after the fire today.

Holtzmann forced her mind in other directions. But she did want Erin. She really did. She dropped her head until their foreheads were touching. "My throat feels kind of sore." She said.

Erin looked concerned. "What can I do to make it better?"

"The doctor said moist air is healing and easier to breathe. Like steam."

"Like a humidifier?"

"Like a shower."

"You want me to turn on the shower?"

"I want you to get in the shower."

"Um… how will that help you?"

"Well," Holtzmann said, finally meeting Erin's eyes. "I'm gonna get in, too." She said like it was obvious.

The moment of recognition was obvious in Erin's eyes when she realized what Holtzmann was saying. "O—oh, okay. Uh—um,"

"Go start the water." Holtz said, before she could lose her courage.

Erin got up and went into the bathroom.

Holtzmann rolled over onto her back and looked up at the ceiling, sighing. She covered her eyes with her hand and tried to tell her heart to calm the fuck down. But it only sped up when she heard the water turn on.

She had a plan, and if it worked out she could get through this without Erin seeing her scars. At least, none she hasn't already seen.

She rolled off the bed and stood in the doorway to the small bathroom. Erin had turned on the water and was testing the temperature with one hand.

"Get in." Holtz said, leaning against the doorframe.

Erin turned around. "Are you feeling okay? I really don't want you to do this if you're not absolutely sure about it."

"Just get your naked ass in the shower, I'm sure." Holtzmann said with a flick of her wrist.

Erin grinned nervously. She wasn't familiar with the mood on Holtzmann and she wasn't sure if it was good or bad.

Holtzmann watched Erin remove her clothes. Even though Erin's back was to Holtz, the confidence in her movements told Holtz that she was doing the right thing. This was the girl she wanted to be with. Why be shy? Why worry? Life is too short for shit like that.

Erin stepped into the shower and pulled the cheap plastic curtain closed.

"No peeking." Holtzmann said, stepping to the middle of the room. She had to admit, the steam from the shower was already helping her airways.

Her heart quickened looking at Erin's undergarments laying on the floor. She carefully removed her own clothes and folded them in a little pile next to Erin's.

She was a dirty, sooty mess when she was pulled from the fire. Yet she awoke in the hospital a perfectly clean human. Who knows who washed her? Who knows who touched her, and whose hands were where? These thoughts bothered Holtzmann, and not because this uncertainty felt strange. But because it felt all too familiar.

She wanted to know for a fact, for her own comfort, that her girlfriend was the last one to have touched her. Right now, Holtz could name the last three people that touched her intimately. One was her doctor, one was herself, and the other happened the morning of the car accident.

It's impossible to describe how badly she wanted Erin to be in those top three. And she was moments away from changing that.

"Holtzmann?"

"I'm coming." She left her watch on and pushed back the curtain a tiny bit. "Face the wall." She swallowed. "Please."

Erin did, and Holtz could see her hot breath steam up the tile for a moment.

Holtzmann stepped over the threshold and closed the curtain behind her. Moving quickly while she still had her courage, she stepped behind Erin and pressed her body against Erin's bare back.

For some reason, Erin wasn't sure if Holtz was going to come in naked or not. But when she felt that she was, her heart quickened. She was aching for Holtzmann's touch and she couldn't imagine Holtz was feeling much differently. She wanted to touch Holtz, to make her feel the way she made Erin feel so many times. She really wanted to go down on Holtz but she knew she would have to start small.

Holtz gently turned Erin around and held her chin to keep her eyes up. She was afraid of what Erin was reading in her eyes. Fear? Pain? Lust? Without her figurative mask up, Holtz could assume her face was some mess of emotions that have never been combined quite like this before.

Erin kissed her softly on the cheek and Holtz's eyes fluttered shut.

Holtzmann took a deep breath, reminding herself of where she was. She breathed in Erin's scent, satisfied that this was the woman that she loved and there was nothing she'd rather be doing right now. They fell into their usual rhythm, and after a few minutes, she took Erin's wrist and gently guided her hand down

~/~

"I was told I should lay low for awhile." Holtzmann said, her limbs stretched in every direction lazily on the bed, sheets covering only her lower half. Her hair was still wet from the shower.

"Hmm?" Erin mumbled tiredly. After their shower, Holtzmann brought Erin back to the bed and went down on her, effectively tiring her out for the night. Erin deserved a good deep sleep after all the worrying she did today.

"Someone told me that I run the risk of being recognized with all this media attention. Recognized by someone bad."

Erin sat up a little, awake now. "Who told you that?" She mumbled.

"Someone I know from a few years ago. She knows what she's talking about."

"Okay. What do you mean, "lay low?""

"Like, I probably shouldn't be out on calls Ghostbusting with you guys. Not until this all blows over."

"…Oh." Erin sounded a little disappointed. "Will you still be at work? In the lab?"

"a'course!"

Erin smiled. "Well I look forward to coming home from every call to see you waiting."

"You're so corny. I might also have to dye my hair."

"Whaaat?" Erin mumbled, twirling a piece of Holtzmann's hair around two fingers.

"Yeah."

"Your hair is so beautiful."

"Aw shucks."

"…Holtzmann," Erin really sat up fully now, concerned. "Is someone really after you? Should you be in, like, witness protection or something?"

Holtz laughed a little. "Witness Protection, is for witnesses. I am not a witness."

"Well what are you?"

"A victim?"

"So… do they have something for victims?" Erin didn't like that word.

"Yeah. It's what I've been doing. I changed my name, I changed my hair, I moved across the country, I cut all contact with anyone I've ever cared about… They're not… they're not gonna make me do that again…" She didn't sound so sure now.

"Holtz… they can't take you away, can they? You're not gonna like, leave me in the middle of the night are you?"

Holtz fought hard to remember the rules Carrow told her years ago. "It's my choice." She said. "If they ask me to go, and I refuse, they'll freeze all protections they currently have for me."

"Oh. Does that put you in a lot of danger? Like, what are the chances someone's really looking for you?"

Holtz wished she could answer that the way they both wanted her to. "Don't worry about it." She mumbled.

As much as it worried her, Erin let it go for now. She rolled over onto her stomach towards Holtzmann and draped an arm across Holtzy's collarbone, her face next to the blonde's ear. "Thank you." She whispered. "For trusting me."

Holtz smiled. "I'm glad I did, Ghost Girl."

~/~

"You still owe me the rest of it." Patty said. "$60"

"I know." Abby groaned. She had only paid off 40 of the $100 bet she lost to Patty.

"You know, for a while I really thought you were going to win that one." Patty said.

Abby shook her head. "I should've thought it through more. Erin's a private person; she wouldn't say anything unless she had to."

"But now that the word is out… are we free to tease them?"

"Oh yeah." Abby said. "Holtzy will like it. Erin will blush and ignore us or eventually tell us to stop."

"…Do you think they've done it?" Patty whispered almost in fascination. She'd never really been close friends with lesbians before.

Abby raised an eyebrow knowingly. "I think the question really is, have they done it in this building?"

Patty dropped her jaw. "You think so?"

"I don't know." Abby backed off the subject a little, respecting her friends. But her love for gossip was begging to take over.

"I didn't know Erin was gay. I don't think I ever really thought about Holtzy, it just seemed like kind of a given that she is."

"I know for a fact she likes men, too. But to be fair, I don't think Erin knew she was gay, either."

"Dammmnnn." Patty said excitedly. "This is so juicy." She was a shameless lover of gossip, and she won't deny that.

"Let's… you know, give them their space, though. You know what I mean? That's a good way to ruin a relationship, if we keep bugging them about it."

Patty sighed. "Alriight. Fine." She rolled her eyes.

~/~

Erin knocked lightly on the open door.

The dean, Harold Filmore, looked up.

"You wanted to see me?" She was expecting trouble from him since he requested to meet with her. He was a bit old-fashioned, and he was supposed to retire last year, but he's been holding on to this position. She had put a voice recorder in her shirt pocket and turned it on just before walking in. No more being accused of crying wolf just because she's a woman. She's a scientist. She's gonna gather proof.

"Have a seat, Ms. Gilbert."

"Doctor." She corrected automatically. She walked in and sat down in the chair across from his desk.

"So you're teaching how many classes now?"

"…One. Particle Physics. PHY 322—"

"I'm just going to cut right to the chase here, Ms. Gilbert,"

"Doctor." She corrected very quietly.

"It is blatantly obvious that you have been somewhat of a popular media subject lately. Your "Ghostbusting" gig is very… attention drawing."

"Oh, thank you. You know, I'd be happy to teach a class next semester on the physics of paranormal studies—"

"It's extremely unprofessional."

"…Oh. Um? I'm sorry, what?"

"Everything you've been doing I'm sure you know, does not reflect well on the university."

Erin had prepared for this. And she knew just how to play it. "I'm not quite sure what you're referring to."

"What you have been doing—"

"What is it that I have been doing?"

"This invented job that you're—"

"All jobs are invented, sir. Including yours. Can you provide a specific example of something I've done that's unprofessional?"

"…I think we both know what I'm talking about."

"I really don't." She enjoyed playing dumb.

He sighed. "The video of you that's all over the news." He waited for her to respond.

"…What's wrong with the video?"

"Your actions taken in the video are extremely unprofessional."

"Standing near a fire is unprofessional?"

"You know which event I'm referring to."

"I'm sorry, sir, but I'm certain I don't."

"In the video, you show a rather… inappropriate gesture towards your coworker." He said coworker with disgust.

"That wasn't intended to be inappropriate; I thought she was going to die."

"You kissed her on the mouth on camera." He said bluntly, tired of her wordplay.

"First of all, I didn't ask anyone to film that, and it was released without my consent. Secondly, I kissed her on the cheek out of relief. Kissing her on the mouth would have been stupid, considering she was struggling to breathe."

"It's not about your actions, but how they were perceived."

"See, I think you're wrong there."

"Listen, Dr. Gilbert, this is not a personal attack from me—"

"It really feels like one."

" Unfortunately the city cannot have the conversation I am having with you now, and only knows what they have seen. And what they have seen is unprofessional and looks bad for the university and the community."

"For kissing someone on the cheek?"

"It's just not what we represent here. Random kissing can even be considered harassment, Dr. Gilbert."

Erin could not believe what she was hearing. She was so glad she started the voice recorder in her shirt pocket before coming in here. "I doubt my own girlfriend would consider that harassment."

"Your… I'm sorry, your girlfriend?"

"Yes."

"You mean, as a friend or—"

"Or what?"

"Romantically."

"The second one. We're in a committed relationship."

"A… relationship?"

"Yes."

"Like… physical?" He actually cringed.

"I don't think that's any of your business."

"And you're admitting this?" He looked shocked, and Erin almost wanted to laugh at him if it weren't such a common view for him to have. But sadly, it was all too common.

"Is there a reason I shouldn't?"

"Well… well…"

Erin raised her eyebrows, waiting for an answer. She wished she could have got his floundering on video.

"You two are a couple?"

"Did I not make that clear?"

He sort of recovered from his shock. "See, here at Columbia, we respect traditional values. The terms "couple" and "committed relationship" are reserved for individuals in love."

"Oh, good, then we're on the same page."

"I don't think we understand the same definition of love."

"I love her very much. And she loves me too. I see her face every when I wake up every morning and I cannot believe how lucky I am. The room gets a little bit brighter when she walks in, anyone can tell you that. I still cannot believe I found her; someone who really cares about me. All of me. I kissed her in front of everyone because honestly I forgot everyone else was there. For a few whole minutes, I was terrified that I lost her, and I cannot picture my life without her anymore. Oh, but how do you define love? Let me guess: a man and a woman?"

He didn't speak for the longest time.

Erin's heart was racing because she's not a very confrontational person, and she might've just screwed up her whole plan for recording this, since she kind of just blurted out personal stuff about how she feels about Holtzy, which of course would be on the tape.

"Miss Gilbert." He finally said coldly.

She felt instantly shrunken by his gaze. She forced her back straight and her chin up, thinking what Holtz would do.

No, Holtz would probably climb on his desk or take a hard candy from the bowl, and lick one side of it and stick it to his face. And she would undoubtedly take that tiny cactus on the window ledge home with her and give it a name and maybe a tiny sweater.

Maybe not do EVERYTHING Holtz would do. But Erin channeled her confidence. "If you have a problem, sir, please take it up with Human Resources. I am not here so you can whine about how hard it is being a bigot. Now you can answer this question to me now, or to Human Resources, and likely the local news, the student body and staff of Columbia, and the internet as well. Do you have a problem with how I live my life?"

He looked startled, and unsure how to answer that.

"Let me make that easier to answer: Are you really trying to intimidate or discipline me because I have a girlfriend?"

"Get out of my office now."

Erin knew she had won, but he still made her feel like shit. "Excuse me?"

"Get out of my office." He was trying to regain control of the situation.

She stood sharply, then said in a deadly quiet tone, like venom, "I just wish I had known that these are the values of this university, and I never would have worked here in the first place. Consider that my official resignation."

The shock value on his face was worth it.

Thinking quickly, she walked out of the room in no particular rush, and snatched the tiny cactus for Holtzy on the way out.

~/~

 **Please please leave a review!**


	17. Sisters

Erin marched into the station and walked right past Abby and Patty, and up to Holtzmann. She was clearly pissed. She put both hands on Holtzmann's jaw and kissed her.

After a few seconds, she pulled back, and Holtz regarded her with a frozen, wide-eyed startled expression. "Hello." Holtz said.

Patty whistled, and Abby slapped her arm gently.

"Are you okay?" Abby asked, approaching Erin.

"I just lost my job. Again." Erin said.

"What!? Why?" Patty said.

"I quit." Erin was still a little breathless because her heart was racing in anger. Before anyone else could get a word, in, she added, "I quit just before he fired me. And I don't give a fuck about the benefits of being fired. I fucking quit."

"Whoa…" Abby said. "Hey, take a deep breath, okay? Tell me what happened."

Erin slammed the voice recorder on the table. "Listen." She pressed play and the other three girls leaned over the table.

As the tape started, Holtz noticed the tiny cactus in a tiny pot in Erin's hand. She pointed to it questioningly.

"It's for you." Erin nodded.

Holtzy's face lit up.

As the tape played, Patty and Abby occasionally glanced up at Holtzy, but her face remained a solid frown of concentration. Until it got to the part where Erin spilled about how she really felt for Holtz.

Abby let out an involuntary squeak "Aww."

Holtz unsuccessfully tried to suppress a big smile. She leaned herself slightly into Erin's body.

Erin visibly relaxed at this.

The tape finished, and Patty sighed loudly. "Whooh." She said. "I cannot believe what I just heard."

"I know…" Abby muttered.

"No, I'm pissed. I'm P-ISSED." Patty started pacing like she wanted to do something about it. But she really couldn't do anything right now.

"It's okay." Erin said, a surprising change from her tone a few minutes ago.

"It is?" Holtz said quietly.

Erin combed her own hair back with her fingers. "Yeah. I don't wanna work there anyway if that's how they are."

"You gotta let people know that." Patty said. "You gotta release that tape somewhere."

"I know."

"Why?" Abby asked. "I mean why stir up more trouble right now?"

"If I were gonna be a student there, I'd wanna know if they're run by a fucking homophobic sexist bigot, wouldn't you?" Patty asked.

"Good point."

"Listen, we don't really need word about us getting around right now." Erin said, hesitating before putting her arm around Holtzy's waist, reminding herself that it was okay to do this in front of friends.

"Y'all got over six million views on YouTube. I think the word is out." Patty said.

"We don't need to fan the flames, is what she means." Holtzmann spoke up. "Let it… smolder."

"Why?"

"Listen," Erin started.

"We're listening, girl. You gotta stop starting your sentences like that." Patty said.

"Just listen, okay!" She looked around and lowered her voice, even though they were the only ones around. "Someone who… knows a lot about Holtzy's situation, someone who advised her through this whole process—"

"Carrow." Abby said.

Holtzy nodded, looking down at the table.

Erin kept forgetting that these two had known each other for a lot longer than she'd known Holtz.

"If that's her name, sure- She told Holtz that she has to lay low for a while. All this public exposure could um… catch the attention of people who…" she paused and swallowed. "who want to hurt her."

Holtzmann closed her eyes. Erin squeezed her hip.

"…Oh." Patty said.

"People are still after you?" Abby whispered.

Holtzmann put her elbow on the table and hid her face in her hand. "I'm sorry." She said.

"What?"

"What are you sorry for?" Abby asked.

"I can't go on calls with you guys for a while. I'm probably just bringing more danger to you as we speak."

"I'll fight 'em. Send them to me, Holtzy. I'd like to see them get past Patty." Patty said.

"With what, your fists? They don't fight with their fists unless it's behind closed doors. That's not how they get people back."

No one was quite sure how to respond to this. "How do they "get people?"" Patty asked hesitantly.

"Blackmail."

"Wait, what do you mean "get people back?"" Abby asked. "You mean, get revenge or like… obtain them?"

Holtzmann took in a breath. "You don't know how many girls I've seen come walking right back up to their captors after making a clean escape or being rescued. They get people to come back by threatening to hurt the ones they love. That's how I got away for so long; I had no one left that I loved. But now that I'm bringing my dad and Spencer back into the equation… it's like dividing by zero. I have no fucking clue what's gonna happen, and it'll probably shatter the world as I know it, if I have to go back."

"Stop that, you're not going back! What the hell are you talking about?" Erin grabbed Holtzy's wrist a little harder than she intended.

Holtzmann's dull response and broken expression to this just worried everyone further. She didn't even flinch, as if she were accepting defeat.

"That's it." Patty said, taking in Holtzy's expression. "We need a girls' night in."

"A girls' night IN?" Erin asked.

"Yeah. Drinks, movies… I'd offer to hire a stripper, but I don't think we could all agree on a gender." Patty said.

Holtzmann surprised everyone by snorting a laugh at that.

"You're not hiring a stripper to come to the fire-station-slash-headquarters!" Erin said.

"Why not?" Abby asked.

"There you go. I like the way you think." Patty fistbumped Abby.

"We are not doing this!"

"But we can still do a girls' night in though, right?" Abby said.

"I don't hold alcohol well." Holtzy said.

"She's a lightweight." Abby said. "You know how some people can magically speak Spanish or Italian when they're drunk? Holtzy recites digits of pi."

"More digits than I can recite sober." Holtz added. "Like, two hundred more."

"Wow. I literally cannot handle the level of dork in those last three comments." Patty said. "I'll teach you how to speak a REAL second language, drunk."

"I already know French." Erin said.

"I'm fluent in Spanish." Abby added.

"I know some Czech. And a bit of Hebrew." Holtzy said.

Patty stared at her. "Why can't you know a normal language like the rest of us?"

Holtzmann frowned at her in confusion. "What's "normal?"" she said as if she didn't understand the concept of the word at all.

"So is that a definitive "no" on the strippers?"

Abby turned to Patty and whispered, "Why does that seem like a good idea with a couple?"

"I don't see no problem."

"Patty, if you wanted to hire male strippers…" Holtzmann said, "Erin and I could go in the other room for a while…"

Erin blushed heavily.

It was quiet for a moment, and Abby looked around. "At least the ghosts are being quiet. We haven't had a call all day."

"That's weird…" Erin said.

"Hey, Kevin!" Abby called.

"Yes, boss?"

"Have we gotten any calls?"

"…Can you be more specific?"

Abby groaned inwardly. "Did the phone ring?"

"Yes."

"Well did you answer it?"

"…I unplugged it." His voice got quieter and more serious, and hesitant. "A while ago."

"What!" Erin jumped.

"Why, Kevin? Come on, this is your job!" She started walking over.

Kevin motioned for the other girls to come over too, so he wouldn't have to shout his answer.

Once they stood around the desk, he said, "It was ringing, for sure. It was ringing off the hanger."

"Hook." Abby corrected. "It's "off the hook""

"Well how would you know? You were over there!"

"Kevin… who was calling?"

He turned serious again, making apologetic eye contact with Erin and Holtzmann. "Um, no… nobody was calling about ghosts."

"…Oh." Abby said, catching on. "What… I mean, what were they saying?"

"You couldn't pay me to repeat the things I heard." He said. "About them." He pointed to Erin and Holtz.

Erin and Holtzmann subconsciously took a step away from each other.

"I told the first few callers to go fuck themselves." Kevin said proudly.

"That's great for business…" Patty muttered.

"Well I woulda said a lot worse." Abby said.

"I know you would. I'mma bout to go beat someone up." Patty formed fists.

Abby took out her phone and opened Twitter, but Erin took the phone out of her hands and put it on the table. "That's not gonna help."

"Wait a minute, since when do ANY of us care what other people think?" Patty said. "Especially you, Holtzy, I thought you said words can't hurt you anymore."

"I'm sad 'cause she's sad." Holtz said.

"Erin." Patty said, gently putting a hand on her shoulder.

"I care, okay! It sucks and I'm trying incredibly hard not to care but I do care what people think of me. It affects my personal life and my career."

"What career?" Holtzmann pointed out quietly.

"Fuck!" Erin shouted, shoving herself away from the table.

Holtz flinched away from Erin at her outburst, briefly putting her hands up in defense out of instinct.

Abby grabbed Holtzmann's shoulder almost protectively.

"Why is the world FUCKING like this? What the fuck is wrong with people?" Erin was pacing the room, shouting. "So someone lives their life a tiny bit different than you do, who the FUCK cares?" She tossed a manila folder off Patty's desk and across the room, papers flew everywhere.

Patty cringed but said nothing.

Erin calmed down fairly quickly, and without damaging any of the equipment like Abby had. She walked back over to them.

"This is all your fault, you know." She pointed to Holtzmann as she walked over.

Holtz smiled. If Erin's tone had been different, Holtzmann might have actually wanted to blame herself. But now Erin was pulling her into a hug, and she knew Erin would never blame her like that.

"It's your fault. You made me gay." She kissed the top of Holtzmann's head, hugged her close and rocked slowly.

"Holtzy sorry." She whispered into the fabric of Erin's flannel shirt.

Erin laughed and held her closer, sniffling back a few tears. "I don't want a job that discriminates for ANY reason, I don't want to associate with people who hate, nor do I HAVE to. I love physics… but dammit I love you more." Erin hoped Holtz wouldn't blatantly point out how corny she was being.

"I love you just as much as I love engineering." Holtz grinned.

"God dammit, Holtzmann." Erin laughed.

Patty and Abby moved in to join the hug, and of course, a minute later Kevin attached himself to one side of the hug, nearly knocking them over, like a dog who forgot how big he is. "I love you guys." He said.

"…So…" Patty said after a few minutes. "Strippers?"

~/~

They ended up watching a stand-up comedy special while Erin and Holtz sat on the same armchair together. Holtz had brought her knees up but Erin kept complaining that they were blocking her view of the screen, so Holtz ended up laying her legs on top of Erin's. Every time one of them laughed, they both shook the whole chair.

After a while, Holtz began to take advantage of how close she was to Erin's face. She began stealthily placing kisses on Erin's jaw and below her ear.

It didn't take long for Abby and Patty to notice what was going on. They didn't say anything. Abby smiled contently and Patty held back a small laugh at how cute they were. But she learned from Erin's prior threats not to call the pair "cute".

Of course, Holtz would love to be called cute. She would get so much joy out of just hearing that people thought she and Erin were cute together.

Granted, as much as it was making Erin blush whenever Abby would glance at them out of the corner of her eye (the blushing was Holtzmann's goal), Erin couldn't help but get those light tickly, pleasant butterflies in her stomach every time Holtz kissed her. Another hour of this plus Holtzy's legs across Erin's lap, and Erin might just have to drag Holtz into the back room with her and relieve some pressure.

After a while, Holtzmann adjusted herself, unable to sit still. She moved to Erin's other side, practically grinding down into Erin's lap on the way over.

"Fuck, Holtzmann!" Erin intended to sound annoyed, but Holtz moved against her in just the right way at just the right time so that Erin's voice wavered, turning it into a more implicit, sexual line. She quickly caught herself. "Your stupid bony butt—" She shoved Holtzmann gently into place next to her.

But Holtz wasn't finished. She decided it would be more comfortable to stretch herself out backwards, bridging the gap between the armchair and the couch. She pushed off Erin's thigh with her heels, causing Erin actual pain.

"Ow!"

Holtzmann had found her comfortable position, laying on her back, half on the chair and half on the arm of the couch, her arms stretched way out over her head, reaching Patty. Her face was now almost in Patty's lap.

"Hello." Holtzmann said. Then she broke out into a grin.

Patty turned to Abby for translation. "What's wrong with her?"

"Yeah, what's wrong with you?" Erin said, rubbing her thigh in pain. "That really hurt, jeez."

"It's past her bedtime." Abby explained. "Therefore, she gets overly energetic."

"Sounds obnoxious." Patty said, looking down at Holtzy's face.

"Sometimes it's the only way to get things done." Abby said.

"You've had a rough day. I'll let it go. For now." Patty warned.

"I've had a great day." Holtz corrected. "I made her cry." She lifted her head and looked at Erin.

"That's a GOOD day?"

"They were happy tears."

"They were." Erin agreed.

Holtzmann tilted her head back and looked up at Patty. "She loves me." She whispered.

"Are you drunk?" Patty laughed.

"The natural kind." Holtzmann said.

"…What the hell is the "natural kind" of being drunk?" Patty asked.

"It's called being Holtzmann at 2am." Abby explained.

"Welcome to my life." Holtz said kind of slurred, because she was upside down and yawning at the same time. "I invented the proton pack at 4 in the morning."

Suddenly, an extremely loud shattering sound startled everyone.

Within seconds, Abby, Patty, and Erin were wide awake and on their feet, ready to go into fight mode. A brisk breeze brought the cool night air in through the newly-created hole in their glass window.

"The fuck was that!?" Patty shouted. "Who's there!?"

Of course, no one answered.

"What is that?"Abby pointed at what had come through the window.

"A brick." Patty said angrily. "Aw, hell no." She marched over to the window to look down.

Abby fetched the brick to read the markings on it.

"Where's Holtzmann?" Erin's voice was vivid with distress. Some tiny irrational part of her mind told her that the crash was a distraction so someone could come in and kidnap her again.

That caught Patty and Abby's attention. "Holtzmann!?"

A hand reached out from under the couch, and soon Holtz dragged herself out. "Sorry." She said. "Instinct."

"Your instinct was diving under the couch?" Erin was still recovering from fright.

"Oh my god, Holtzy, your head." Patty approached Holtzmann, who still looked a little weak and shaken.

"What—Oh my god." Erin seconded, seeing the small dark red gash on Holtz's forehead that looked black in the moonlight. "What happened?"

"I fell."

"Off the couch?" Patty asked.

"Yeah."

"You rolled off the couch so fast and so hard that you split your head open from one foot off the ground." Patty said.

"Well when you put it like that… you don't give my clumsiness any credit at all."

"Oh, Holtzmann…" Erin speed-walked over to her with the caring, annoyed voice of a mother when her child did something wrong and got hurt.

"It was a brick." Abby confirmed. "And there's writing on it."

"Put that down, we don't care what it says." Erin said, wiping tenderly at the cut on Holtzy's head with her thumb, her tongue sticking out slightly in concentration. "Get me a flashlight, Patty."

Patty walked over to the light switch panel and turned it on.

"…Oh." Erin remembered overhead lights exist, and flinched away from the sudden bright light.

Holtz laughed softly at Erin's awkwardness.

"Uh, guys?" Abby said, looking down at the writing on the brick.

"Abby, just call the police! Call them right now, those people could still be out there, and they could want to hurt us."

"it's not you they want to hurt…" Abby said.

"What?"

"I'm not reading this out loud, but let's just say it's negative, and threatening… to Patty."

Everyone grew silent. Nobody was expecting that.

"What!?" Patty said. "What did I do?"

Abby dropped the brick at her side, defeated. "Don't read it." She said grimly. She pulled out her phone and dialed 9-1-1.

~/~

About twenty minutes later, the four girls were sitting on the couch while two police officers sat across from them in chairs pulled over from the table. One of them was taking notes, the other asking the questions.

They had taken the brick for evidence and taped a sheet over the broken window.

The officers were mostly talking to Patty, who you'd think would be the most shaken by this.

But with all four girls on the couch, they were a little smooshed, and Patty was smooshed against Holtzmann, who was on the end.

And she was trembling. The entire time. Patty could feel it. She wasn't sure if it was from the threats or the crash or possibly some sort of anxiety about cops, but Holtzy was shaking ever so slightly for the entirety of the time Patty was next to her. It wasn't even cold in the room.

Nobody had any idea why someone would want to say something mean about Patty, or threaten her. The cops stationed a car outside the fire station all night and all four girls stayed there that night.

It was 4:30 in the morning by the time they settled in to try and fall asleep, after moving up to the third floor room. It was a small, cozy, furnished room with two couches, which was previously used as an individual break room for the firefighters to sleep when they weren't on their shift.

Since it was intended for one person, calling the room small was being generous. The girls pushed the couches together and layered some blankets and sheets down, and settled one big comforter on top. It was like a cozy nest, which of course, was Holtzmann's idea.

"We're not really gonna fall asleep are we?" Abby asked softly. "I mean, can you after this?"

Holtzmann shook her head. They lay head-to-foot, like the grandparents in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, which Holtz of course pointed out.

For the second time that night, Holtz climbed over Erin so she could be in the middle next to Patty. She accidentally kneed Erin in the thigh, which Erin put up with this time. Holtz of course had the decency to resist grinding down onto Erin's lap like earlier, since they were all practically in the same bed together.

Which might seem weird, but after the day they'd had, none of them could imagine being comfortable any other way.

"I'm sorry, Patty." Holtz said, resting her head on Patty's shoulder. She and Patty were in the middle, facing the same way, and Erin and Abby on the ends were facing the other way.

"Sorry?"

"Sorry that this happened."

"I can't believe there's still so much hate in the world." Abby said. "I mean, look how many people have committed their lives and even given their lives to make a change, and just when we think things might be getting better, someone like the brick-thrower comes along and ruins it for everyone. They ruin people's feeling of safety, and they ruin what others have worked so hard for to make people feel safe. It's just a genocide of trust, is what it is."

Everyone digested that for a moment.

"People are so dumb." Holtzy said.

For some reason, the innocence and simplicity of that statement sent everyone into a laughing fit.

"You said it, girl." Patty laughed.

Under the covers, Holtz kept her hand on Erin's leg.

"Who the fuck cares what anyone else has to say about us?" Patty said. "I got you guys, that's all I fucking need. I love you guys. Y'all are like sisters to me."

"Aww" Abby said.

They were quiet for a while, mistakenly thinking they could fall asleep, even though they left the light on. When it was obvious that no one was falling asleep, Abby pointed it out by saying, "We're not falling asleep, are we?"

"No." Patty said.

"Hey, Holtzmann, you never told me how it went with your mother." Abby said gently.

"Oh, um, you know." She replied, then after a silence, realized that that's not enough of an answer for Abby. "She's… she was, you know… uh, sick."

"That must've been really hard, huh?"

Holtz wasn't sure how to answer that in a non-sarcastic way. No, Abby, it was a fucking walk in the park with strawberry ice cream. Holtz went with a casual shrug.

"Did she recognize you?"

Holtz nodded.

"Well that's good! What did she say? If you wanna share. You don't have to."

That caught Patty's attention, since she was such a sucker for reunions.

"She… she wasn't surprised to see me." Holtz began, avoiding eye contact. "She assumed I was a hallucination or a dream. And she told me… not to tell my father that she dreamt about me every night."

Holtz hadn't told this part to Erin yet, so all three girls were hanging on her every word. Patty was already tearing up a little.

"Even though he was in the room. She said that when she dreams about me, she always sees me as an adult, so she knows I must be alive somewhere, that I've grown up somewhere and didn't die as a child." Holtz paused, fighting back tears just remembering what it was like falling asleep on her mother's chest again. Just the thought that she would always have that memory, and it couldn't be taken away, gave her immense comfort. But also made her really sad.

"The whole time she thought I was a dream. She doesn't consciously know I'm alive." She said, a tear slipping down her cheek when she blinked. "Not exactly the kind of soldier-coming-home reunion you like to watch on YouTube, Patty."

Patty squeezed her hand and whispered, "I'm sorry."

Abby reached over and put a hand on Holtzy's leg.

Holtz had to stop telling her story because her chest physically hurt, bad. It was like a tightness between her ribs and it made her short of breath. She had to stop talking about her mom. It just hurt.

It was about 7:30 am when they finally started to fall asleep.

Erin was the last to fall asleep, and she watched Holtzmann's peaceful sleeping features from across the couch-bed. She leaned forward and laid a gently kiss on Holtzy's cheek, careful not to wake her.

~/~

That afternoon, Patty, Holtzmann, and Erin all had to go down to the police station to give statements and talk with some investigators, since all three of them were the ones being harassed.

The more Abby thought about this, the angrier she got. With this anger and protectiveness over her friends, she took it upon herself to upload that audio of the Dean that Erin had recorded to YouTube.

~/~

 **A/N Please please please leave a review! Thanks for reading! Sorry this chapter was sad, the next one won't be as bad, I promise.**


	18. Revelations

Holtzmann stroked Erin's jaw tenderly as she had her pressed up against the wall of the police station, around a vacant corner that led to the coat room. They were waiting for Patty to finish talking to a detective and naturally Holtz took this chance to corner Erin into a kiss.

Erin had always hated being sexual in public with her past boyfriends. But this, this was thrilling. Holtz was thrilling. All the time. She was like a high that Erin never had to come down from.

Holtz was doing this for Erin. Of course, the chemicals being released in her brain and her physiological reaction to the kiss guaranteed that she was enjoying it too, but she felt Erin needed something after she broke down crying while they were talking to the detectives. It was obviously harder on Erin than on Holtz. Not only had Erin lost her job, her colleagues, and her hard-earned reputation, but she has never done well with any kind of criticism. Sure, she could deal with her male colleagues throughout her life always having the upper hand, and her being the only one criticized when everyone had done it, but she wasn't entirely used to senseless hate.

Meanwhile, Holtzmann has been called every word in every book, and she couldn't care less. Not only has she always let that stuff kind of bounce right off of her, even as a child (which explains her morally allowing herself to set multiple fires), but as a literal slave… sure, words hurt, but they were just superficial, trivial little insults when you're standing on a stage in your underwear blindfolded, listening to strangers shout out how much they'd pay to fuck you for a night or own you forever. What you were worth, compared to the girl before you or after you, and wondering which of these men in the crowd actually plan on killing you when they're done.

How could Erin possibly know what that's like? Holtz wished she could forget it, forever. The only way these words could hurt Holtzmann anymore, is if they were said to her girlfriend. And that's exactly what was happening. So Holtz took it upon herself to comfort Erin the only way she ever really could get anything done: nonverbally.

Erin pulled away until her head hit the wall. "Shit, Holtz, we're in public." She whispered, so close that their lips brushed against each other's as she spoke. Just the action of their lips like that made Erin's stomach flutter and she took in a small gasp.

"Yeah." Holtz agreed absently, trying to kiss Erin again.

"Shh! Stop it! What if we're caught?"

"What if?"

Erin realized she didn't really have an answer.

Since Erin's first time taking the lead in the shower the other night, Holtz had kind of become that sexually-confident person Erin had initially thought of her as. Holtz's means of communication were always very centered on body language rather than direct verbal communication.

"You feeling better?" Holtz mumbled, still thrown by how Erin broke down crying just a few minutes ago while talking to the detectives.

Erin looked sad. She nodded and kissed Holtzmann again.

Erin's hand trailed down her hip but Holtz caught it and pressed it against her. "Does this mean we're gettin' sex-ay later?" Holtz wiggled her eyebrows and her shoulders.

"Of course." Erin breathed.

Holtzmann nuzzled her head into Erin's shoulder in a sudden moment of affection rather than lust. "We're gonna be okay." She mumbled. She couldn't stop picturing Erin crying.

"Holtzmann, I'm okay, you know that, right?"

Holtzmann mumbled something inaudible and held Erin closer. She yawned and laid her head sleepily against Erin's chest, like a little kitten.

"You need a nap." Erin said, amused.

"Hey." Patty's grim voice came from the doorway. "You guys ready?"

Holtzmann pulled herself away from Erin and fell into Patty's arms sleepily. "Take me home." She said.

"Home like home or home like headquarters?"

"HQ is home." Holtz said.

"Right." Patty said. She would have said something about finding the two girls in each other's arms, but she was still grim and shaken from her talk with the detectives. She put an arm around Holtz and walked her to the car, Erin tailing close behind.

~/~

NINE YEARS AGO

The dimly lit, smoky room had a smudged one-way mirror that overlooked the rest of the large night club. A dirty carpet covered the room, but was peeling up in strings around the edges. A piece of very fancy and likely very expensive gold abstract artwork hung on one wall near the door. A small wood table the size of a card table sat against one wall, with two chairs near it. A leather couch looked most uninviting.

Holtz had been assigned this room, meaning that anyone who came in here could do what they wanted to her, depending on the color of their wristbands. The more you paid, the more you got to do.

Nox led her roughly by the elbow to the room, and she shoved him off at the last minute to at least hold some dignity and walk into the room herself. The gun on Nox's belt meant running would be completely useless anyway.

Tonight, she planned on acting superior to these guys. They were black wristbands, so they hadn't paid as much as they could for her. That meant she could tell them "no" to certain things. And she wielded that.

But as soon as she got in the room, she could tell this was not going to be that kind of night. Small packages and razor blades lay out on the table. She pressed her back to the wall and prayed that that was some really expensive stuff they didn't plan on sharing with her.

All four men (plus one bodyguard) were looking at her, and she already had her back literally against the wall.

"What's your name?" One of them said, stepping forward.

That's how she knew where the night was going. If they planned on raping her, they wouldn't give a shit about her comfort. But they were trying to get her comfortable, warm her up. They wanted her to do cocaine with them. And then probably rape her afterwards.

Her eyes widened in fear, and she let out a small wheeze from both the smoke and the terror of the impending situation.

"Come on over here. What's your name?" He was young, probably about her age if not younger, and handsome in a business suit. But that didn't count for shit.

"Tesla." She said softly. She always picked the name of a scientist or artist in history. Last night she was Michela, for Michaleangelo, and all last week she alternated between Gal and Lei, for Galileo.

"Like the car company, huh?" He said. "Come on over here. Have you had this before?" He held up a small blue foil package.

She shook her head. Maybe she had, she doesn't usually see drugs packaged neatly like that. But whenever she was forced into doing any sort of drugs, she knew it could very well be her last day as a living human on Earth.

"You don't talk much, do you?"

Remembering that they were only black wristbands, she gathered some shaky courage and pointed to the cocaine on the table, where a man was working over it with a razor blade. She shook her head. "No." She said.

"No what?"

"She a retard?" Someone else laughed.

Holtz always liked to point out Nox's incorrect and offensive use of the word "retard", but Nox wasn't here and Holtz was about to be fighting for her life. "I'm not doing that." She said.

"Yes you are." He laughed.

"No."

"Yes." He growled, grabbing at the side of her neck and pulling her closer.

She coughed lightly, trying to catch her breath. "Please." She said.

"Hey. We're payin' you a lotta fuckin money for this!" The guy behind him stood up quickly, knocking the first guy into Holtz and knocking her to the floor.

"I'm not getting paid anything." She said, looking up from the ground.

"The fuck you are! We handed over a lot of cash for what? A reluctant prostitute?"

"I'm not a prostitute." She said.

"Oh sorry, is there a more politically correct term you'd like me to call you? A professional slut?"

"Thomas, let's talk business. We'll get to her after." The larger man sitting at the table said.

"Wait, Smith, I paid a lot of money, I wanna get to her before you get me so drugged I can't remember it. I thought she was usin' with us?"

Smith turned to Holtz. "Disrobe." He told her as casually as asking someone to close the door.

She looked down at her dress, then back up at the men.

"Disrobe and sit on the floor. My friend here would appreciate a view while we discuss."

Holtz froze up. She never did well with any kind of drugs or alcohol. Her system just wasn't built for that. Date rape drugs, as great as they were for making her forget, often left her dry-heaving on the floor until blood came out. The mere thought that this could be the last article of clothing she ever wore made her more adamant about keeping it on. If she was gonna die tonight, she was gonna make sure she doesn't die naked.

"Wait a minute—" Thomas, the young guy, started. "She's not a prostitute, is she?" He said like he was putting it together.

Smith didn't answer.

"Oh my god, is she a slave?! Tell me you don't have anything to do with that underground slavery shit."

"Pay no mind." Smith said. "She's probably used to it."

"Oh god." Thomas said.

Holtz felt bad for him for a moment. He seemed like a nice, handsome young entrepreneur who just got caught up in the wrong stuff.

"Oh god, no. Tell me you didn't pay no money to fucking traffickers!" Thomas said.

"Don't worry about where I got her. Worry about the business."

"I will not be involved in this. Oh my god. You were about to drug and rape that girl! I can't believe this!" Thomas ran his hands through his hair and paced a small area of the room. "You can't be fucking serious. I've trusted you for how long? And how long have you been fuckin… renting slaves?"

Holtz decided to give her two cents. "His name is Smith. That's never seemed sketchy to you at all?"

Thomas actually looked at her like she was a person now, not an object. "You were going to let me rape someone?" He cried to Smith.

Smith stood up and put a hand at his side, where Holtz could see the lump of a gun under his suit. "If you're interested in succeeding in big business, this is what it entails. Take it or leave it."

"Leave it." Thomas said instantly. "Leave it. I want nothing to do with this. You never said anybody was going to get hurt!"

Even Holtz was a little surprised Thomas hadn't known what this whole place was.

"I'll leave right now." Thomas said. "I didn't see anything, I didn't hear anything, and we never did business, okay?"

Nearly everything happening in this room right now was illegal, the slavery of course being the most serious. Holtz was glad Thomas had SOME standards, though.

"I hope you know you're not leaving." Smith said, producing his gun from his jacket.

Thomas froze mid-step.

Two other guys moved and blocked the door.

"Are we making a business deal or not?" Smith asked.

Thomas tried to hold some ground, but he was trembling and sweating and Holtz thought she saw a small dark stain on the crotch of his pants.

"Yes." Thomas said. "But I want nothing to do with her."

"Say we close our business deal, right here, today. And I'll let her go. How does that sound?"

"G- yes. Yes, good, yes."

"Wrong!" Smith held his gun up to Thomas, but the safety was still on. "She gets out, she tells people about what happened in here, bang—" He made a small, sharp motion with the gun at Thomas, then once at Holtz. "Bang. You're both dead. Now tell me, do you still want her set free?"

Thomas fell back into a chair and sat down. "Well—"

"If you leave this room, how many people are you going to tell about this?"

"N-none." Thomas trembled.

"I don't believe you." Smith turned the safety off and the next thing Holtz heard was the one-way mirror rattling. The gunshot had nearly deafened her.

The air left her lungs as she watched a small dark spot on Thomas's forehead while he slumped in the chair, as if he might just be asleep with his eyes open. All of his golden-haired freshly-shaven entrepreneur hopes and dreams gone.

Holtz was still in shock as she was lifted to her feet and given a straw. When she didn't immediately catch on that she was supposed to do a line of cocaine, Smith slammed her head into the table, face first into the cocaine and held her there while she struggled, until she couldn't hold her breath any longer and was forced to inhale the drug.

He released her and she stumbled backward, coughing and trying to will herself to sneeze. She fell face-down on the floor and one big sneeze came out, and the fine mist of blood that speckled her hand from the sneeze made her want to pass out. The last thing she remembered was the sound of her dress ripping in the back and a feeling from the drug she equated to being stabbed in the back of the throat with a hot poker.

~/~

PRESENT DAY

"Wait, you WHAT?" Erin cried to Abby, barely resisting grabbing her shoulders and shaking her friend violently.

"Word needs to get out about this awful man!"

"How many fucking times are you gonna post a video of me without my consent? How many fucking times, Abby?!"

"Whoa." Holtz stepped between the two just before it came to blows. She still looked tired as hell. She looked at each of them. "Stop. It's done."

"I thought you were gonna post the videos anyways?" Patty said to Erin.

"I… I was, but-"

"Ha!" Abby pointed.

"Stop it! Don't act like you're in the right here!" Erin tried to slap Abby's shoulder but Holtzmann put her arm up and Erin ended up slapping her arm.

"Ow!" Holtz said. It hadn't hurt that much, she just wanted to make Erin feel guilty.

"I'm sorry, babe." Erin definitely sounded guilty.

Abby stopped yelling for a second, "Okay, all fighting aside, that was really cute."

"Stop saying we're cute!"

"I think this is good." Holtzmann said.

Everyone waited for more, but Holtz didn't quite get that social cue.

"Explain." Erin demanded.

"People need to know."

"You need to use more words."

"But you know what I mean."

"Alright, look," Abby said. "I didn't mean to start a fight between our happy couple here."

"Yeah, fuck you Erin." Holtzmann said as a smile danced across her lips and she lowered an eyelid in a quick wink.

"I saw that." Patty announced, making Erin blush. "Y'all should kiss and make up."

"Erin, you're turning red." Abby said unhelpfully.

"Shut up!" Erin screamed.

Holtz tried to raise her finger to Erin's lips to tell her to shush, but Erin slapped her hand away, then quickly brushed past them out of the room.

Holtz shook her hand in pain, whispering, "Fuck, I got a boner."

Patty laughed loudly.

"Guys, I think she's really upset." Abby said.

Holtz's small smile disappeared. She shrugged, like, what-am-I- supposed-to-do?

"You're her girlfriend, go talk to her." Patty said.

"I'm no good with words." And upset people gave Holtzy anxiety.

"I told you, kiss and make up." Patty said.

"Trust me, that's not what she wants when she's angry." Abby said.

"I still think you should talk to her, Holtzy. She'll listen to you."

"I was kidnapped when I was FIFTEEN." Holtzmann emphasized. "I have the social brain of barely a high schooler! Why do you guys keep thinking I have the ability to carry out a normal conversation, let alone fix everything for Erin!?" Holtz wanted to cry in frustration because everything seemed to be turning against her girlfriend right now. She was feeling Erin's pain.

"Hey, I'm sorry baby." Patty said, putting an arm around Holtz's shoulders. Holtz stiffened.

Holtzmann ducked out of Patty's arm. "Stop. Please."

Abby noted how an upset Erin always seemed to indirectly lead to an upset Holtzmann.

Nonetheless, a minute later, Holtz got up and walked in the direction Erin had gone. She went up the stairs and found Erin sitting on one of the couches they had slept on last night, in that tiny room. She knocked on the open door.

"What?" Erin said. Her back was to the door. "If it's Abby, go the fuck away."

Holtz was caught off guard and didn't know what to say. "Uh, room service."

Erin turned around, looking a little relieved. "Come over here, Holtz." She cleared the spot next to her. The couches were still covered in sheets and blankets.

Holtzmann walked over and sat down next to her. "Jillian." She said. "You… you can call me Jillian if you want."

"I thought you liked Holtzmann better?"

"I do. But it does sound kind of weird coming from you when we're alone. And I imagine it's pretty sexy when you say it."

"Jillian." Erin said.

"Damn. I was right."

Erin smiled. "Did they send you in here?"

"…Yes and no. I told them I'm not good with words. But then no one went after you, so I did. They tried to tell me I was fine at talking to people."

"The hell you are." Erin said. "You usually follow a conversation like a cat follows a laser pointer. You jump around, never quite catch the topic fully, and give up after a minute or two and just do your own thing."

"Wow." Holtz grinned. "You really get me. And cats."

"Of course I do. I've had enough conversations with you to know."

"But so has Abby, and she and Patty keep pressing me like I can do things I can't!"

"It's okay."

"No it's not! It's stressing me the fuck out, all the time!" Holtz felt her own pent-up anger boiling over. "How do I make them see that I'm not like you three? I CAN'T do these social things! I can't act normal around people! And I especially can't STAND it when you three talk about your normal lives and your normal teenage years and then look at me and get all silent like you just FORGOT. I don't care what you talk about, but you guys don't have to bring me into it!"

Erin was very happy to see Holtz expressing herself like this. But she was also hurting for Holtz. "I'm sorry, baby. Jillian." She pulled Holtz into a hug. It didn't make Holtz feel a whole lot better.

"Is that it? Did we make up?" Holtz asked, unsure of how the social construct of arguments was supposed to work in relationships.

"Were we really fighting?"

"…No. You were fighting Abby. And then you hit me."

"Oh yeah. I'm not sorry about that, either."

"You're not sorry you hit me?"

"You did get in my way."

"Hey. That's fair."

"So should we go out there and tell them we made up?" Erin ran her hands down Holtzy's arms and held her hands at the bottom.

Holtz looked at their hands. "Patty's not going to be satisfied unless we tell her we made OUT."

A sly smile crept across Erin's face. "I've got this." She said, leading Holtz back out and down the stairs to the main floor.

As they approached Abby and Patty, Erin declared loudly, "We had sex. Just now."

Holtz turned to her with comically wide eyes.

Erin's heart skipped when she realized Kevin overheard that.

He shrugged it off. "That's strange. I thought you were both girls." He went back to what he was doing, just accepting this new piece of information that one of them was not biologically a girl.

Patty hesitated. "I know you're lying."

"How do you know?" Erin challenged.

"I've heard things about lesbian sex. There's no way it happened that quick."

"Oh you are lesbians?" Kevin was still trying to put this together. "I still don't understand the sex part then."

"Kevin, buddy." Abby started to lead him away.

"You wanna know how lesbian sex works?" Holtz called after Kevin.

He turned around. "How?"

Holtz gave a wicked grin, then whispered loudly, "Both people cum."

Kevin clearly didn't get the joke, but after a second to process, Patty howled with laughter.

"This is why I love you. You guys are killing me." Patty said through tears.

Erin laughed nervously, mentally kicking herself for starting this conversation. It was her fault, really.

"Wait, I still don't get it." Kevin said.

"I'm… sure you have no problem with that." Erin said without thinking, briefly letting her straight side take over.

Holtz grinned wider at her girlfriend's awkwardness.

Kevin left the room, confused, and Abby walked back over to Holtz and Erin, likely to scold them.

"You guys, please don't break him. His brain can only handle so much."

"…Arrriteee." Holtzmann said, disappointed, the remnants of a big smile still on her face. She glanced at Erin out of the corner of her eyes.

~/~

Erin opened her eyes and looked up at the pale ceiling of her bedroom, trying to catch her breath. She felt Holtz slide out from under her legs, and crawl back up to eye level. Holtz flopped on her back next to Erin, also catching her breath.

Erin's stomach fluttered pleasantly with each exhale, and she squeezed her legs together for a moment. She looked over at Holtz, who was licking her lips and using the back of her hand to wipe what her tongue couldn't reach.

Holtzmann saw her looking and playfully leaned in for a kiss, already knowing how Erin would react.

"Ew. No." Erin laughed, turning her head away.

Holtz's laugh was quiet but sexy. "You taste really good, you know."

"I'd rather not taste myself." Erin said.

"You tasted me." Holtz pointed out. "It's probably not that different."

"I don't care!" Erin laughed. She slipped her arm under Holtzy's bare shoulders and curled it, pulling her closer. "I love you so much." Erin said sincerely.

Holtz started kissing Erin's neck, slowly and lovingly.

"Don't leave a mark, please, Holtz."

Holtzmann didn't stop.

"Jillian."

"Why? Where you going?"

"Nowhere. I just don't want a hickey on my neck."

"I can put it somewhere else."

"…No." Erin mumbled. "I gotta shower soon. We have to be at work in an hour. I'll admit, that was a nice way to wake up." She turned herself so her head was resting on Holtz's stomach, facing her legs. Holtz was wearing boxers. Erin hoped being in this position would make Holtz ask her to go down on her.

But Holtz had only let Erin do that once before. Though she knew she needed practice, she also knew that her own inexperience wasn't the reason Holtz was hesitant to let her do it again. She KNEW Holtz had liked it, for sure. But Erin could see in her eyes the real reason. Holtz was ashamed. As if having scars in sensitive areas were her own fault, her own wrongdoing. It hurt Erin, seeing Holtz so ashamed of herself like that. She just wanted to tell Holtz how beautiful she was. Nothing could change that.

"You're beautiful." Erin said, for lack of any better words. Sex with Holtz usually rendered her brain a little numb.

Holtz bent her knee, letting the thin material of the boxer leg fall to the crease at her hip. She folded her hands behind her head like she was on a hammock. "So I've been told. By you." She added.

"…Don't go anywhere, okay?" Erin said, lost in thought, probably about something sad.

Holtz rested her hand on Erin's shoulder. "You worry too much, Gilbert."

"I don't think you worry enough." Erin said, remembering how Holtz reacted to her equipment being on fire.

"I've done enough worrying." Holtz said, then she went quiet. She seemed to just notice that Erin was looking directly between her legs.

Holtz rolled out from under Erin suddenly, leaving Erin's head to drop onto the bed. She got up quickly and headed straight for the bathroom, shutting the door behind her.

Erin watched in shock and confusion. The light from the bathroom cast out from under the door, almost reaching the bed. Erin got up quickly and knocked lightly on the door. "Are you okay? What was that about?"

"I'm- it's fine, just leave- go away." Came Holtzy's response.

"Jillian, what's wrong?"

"Nothing. I had to pee."

"No you didn't. Are you upset? What did I do?" She figured sounding like she felt guilty might make Holtz open the door. This was playing out almost exactly how it had after Erin went down on Holtz for the first time. After coming down from the post-sex high, Holtz had locked herself in the bathroom and cried into a towel, turning on the bathroom fan so Erin wouldn't hear her. Needless to say it was a major blow to Erin's ego and any sense of self confidence. "Holtz, what did I do?"

There was no answer.

Erin pressed her back against the doorframe and slid down so she was sitting. "What did I say?"

"Look-" Holtz's voice came cracked and broken, which Erin was not expecting. "You didn't-" Holtz decided shouting through the door wasn't working, especially since Erin had neighbors. Holtz sat on her knees on the other side of the door, her feet out behind her like a child.

She cracked open the door. Erin could see one eye and half of her nose peeking out. Her cheek was splotched red and her eye shiny, as if she had been crying for a long time. "You didn't do anything." She said. "Look…." Holtz took a deep breath, remembering to formulate her words coherently before speaking. "We have a physical relationship."

"Yes." Erin said automatically.

"And I have physical trauma, in my past. I can't pretend I don't, and I'm not trying to pretend." She looked helpless. She spoke as if she were giving Erin very bad news. "This is just how it's gonna be sometimes. I can't always be a confident person, and, I know you think highly of me, like I can handle any situation with confidence but…" She let out a pained huff of air. "Sometimes I really hate being me. I can't stand to look at myself, and I can't stand the thoughts in my own head." Her voice wavered and tears were falling down her cheek. She was avoiding eye contact entirely, and it broke Erin's heart. "It happens, more often than you think, and if you really wanna be with me, you just have to accept that this is how it's gonna be. You didn't do anything wrong, I just need to be left alone sometimes."

Erin processed this, almost fighting tears herself. "Okay." She said softly. "I'll be right here waiting for you when you come out." She settled her back against the cold wall.

"You don't get it." Holtz's voice was suddenly cold and hard. "This isn't some rom-com drama shit. This is real." Her voice cracked on the word real. "When I say alone, I mean it." Holtz was getting easily frustrated in a state like this. "Just hand me my clothes, and I'll be outta here. I'll see you at work."

"You're leaving?"

"I'm in your bathroom. You probably need to get ready. I can't tell you not to be in your own bathroom."

Erin sighed, trying to sound as gentle as possible. She knew she had to just accept that the only thing she could do here was be understanding. "Jillian, it's fine, there's another bathroom downstairs. I'm gonna leave your clothes right outside the door, and I'll be downstairs making breakfast, whenever you want to come out. Take all the time you need."

Holtz looked down, another tear falling. She let out a small defeated breath and closed the door. Erin heard her rest her head against the door. "Okay." She croaked.

Erin's heart broke for about the third time today, and it was only 7:30 in the morning. She folded Holtz's clothes and left them by the door, making sure her footsteps were loud enough for Holtz to know when she left the room.

~/~

 **A/N** there's a little bit of bonus content on this chapter on my AO3 account (same author name, same story name) it's just a short story about a holtzbert dream I had and it's kinda sad so I'm not gonna post the whole thing here but it's on AO3. Thanks so much for continuing to keep up with this story! Not sure if I mentioned this but I also do Holtzbert/GB/various video edits on Instagram, username: psych_time_capsule. I haven't been updating as frequently so please leave a review if anyone is still interested in me continuing this story!


	19. Moving In

Erin sat on her couch with a bowl of bland cereal, waiting for it to reach the perfect amount of sogginess (but mostly waiting for Holtzmann to come downstairs) when a shrieking buzz right next to her nearly scared the pants off her.

She jumped and let out a small squeak, before realizing it was just Holtz's phone she had left on the coffee table.

The loud buzzing continued, and she wondered if she should answer it.

She let it go, deciding it wasn't her business. But she turned the ringer on so that the buzzing wouldn't startle her again. A nice cell phone chime would be much nicer than that awful buzz it made in that metal case.

She was wrong. After less than a minute, the phone started ringing again.

Except Holtzy's ringtone, Erin found out after a few moments of terrified confusion, was the sound of a rocket blasting off.

Fitting, Erin thought.

She flipped the case open. It was Spencer. She figured if he was calling twice within a minute it must be urgent. For a moment she dreaded that maybe this was the call to say that Holtz's mother had passed. She slid the lock screen and held the phone to her ear. "Hello?

"…Mavis?" Came a confused voice.

"Who?" Erin said.

"Oh, I mean, is this Holtzmann's phone?"

"Yes."

"…Is this Holtzmann?"

Erin found it sad that he didn't have much experience hearing his own sister's voice. "No, this is Erin Gilbert."

"…Why are you answering my sister's phone?"

"She's… in the shower."

"Oh."

"Is everything okay?"

"Yes. I just wanted to talk to my sister."

"Oh. I can uh, have her call you back."

"Okay. Hey, I saw your video online. It was in the "recommended videos" section on YouTube."

"…Fuck." Erin mumbled. "Which one?"

"The one where you're talking to professor Filmore? Why, is there another one?"

"Yeah, the one at the fire, which ironically, got ME fired."

"Oh, no, I saw that one too."

"Oh, lovely." Erin rolled her eyes.

"Hey, um." Spencer's tone changed, becoming a bit gentler. "I wanted to tell you that I'm really glad my sister has someone like you, you know, I don't know her that well and I can only assume some of the things she's been through, but it sounds like she needs a really strong support system, and between the Ghostbusters and you, I feel pretty confident that she has that."

"Yeah. Yeah, she does."

"I assume you know at least some of the story of what happened to her, while she was gone, right? I'm not asking you to tell—"

"That's for her to tell you."

"—No no, I'm not asking you to tell me. I'm just saying, I don't know, but I assume she's told you."

"Yeah." Erin left out the part where the real story had basically been told secondhand, without Holtzy's consent. "Whatever you're assuming happened to her, the truth is probably worse." Erin said.

"…Oh." Spencer sounded defeated. "Just… have her call me back."

"Okay." Erin hung up without waiting for an answer, wondering if she had somehow said too much.

~/~

Erin walked into Ghostbusters headquarters to find Abby messing around with some of Holtzmann's circuit boards and a soldering iron. Patty was on the phone, trying to talk her uncle into getting them another hearse.

"What're you doing?" Erin asked Abby, walking over.

"Upgrading." Abby said proudly, but she was looking over Erin's shoulder. "Where's Holtzmann? I need to show her something."

"How should I know?" Erin snapped, tired of the other two assuming she and Holtz knew everything about each other now.

"Don't you live together?"

"No."

"Oh. Nevermind then." Abby put her hands up sarcastically in defense. "I thought she went home with you yesterday."

"She went back to her apartment. She had to grab a few things."

"I thought you said you didn't know where she was?"

"I don't. She could be anywhere between her apartment and here right now."

"Well obviously I meant if you knew her destination or intentions or not. Hey, are you two okay? You did make up yesterday, right? Was that all for show?"

Erin suddenly remembered all about yesterday. She and Holtz hadn't been fighting for real yesterday. And now that she thought about it, they hadn't fought this morning either. So why did Erin feel like such shit? "We were never fighting." She said, deciding to turn this on Abby. "We're both just… dealing with the personal turmoil you caused by releasing that audio yesterday."

"Nice pivot, way to turn this on me." Abby said.

"Well it kinda started with you." Erin ignored the fact that Holtzy's breakdown this morning had nothing to do with Abby or the audio leak. Or Erin, or the Ghostbusters, or the hate they had been receiving. It had to do entirely with things out of Erin's control.

Erin felt Abby's gaze shift over her shoulder and she turned around to see Holtzmann walking in, with a big smile on her face.

But the smile wasn't the first thing Erin noticed. It was the baby in Holtzy's arms. The African American baby, to be precise.

"Look what I found." Holtzmann said gleefully.

"FOUND?" Erin said incredulously.

"Holtzmann, is that a baby!?" Abby said.

Many, many other normal people would have had an easy sarcastic response to that obvious question, Erin included. It couldn't possibly be anything but a baby. But Holtz said, with emphasis, "YES."

"Where did you get that?"

"Where are the parents!?"

"Calm down. I found her on the doorstep."

Patty had taken notice and walked over. "WHAT? We are NOT taking a baby. Are you serious, Holtzy?"

Holtzmann laughed despite scaring the other three girls shitless. "No! It's my roommate's niece. I'm babysitting."

The other three processed this.

"Why would you offer to babysit for your roommate? It sounds like that was his responsibility." Erin said.

"Look, I'm getting out of paying last month's rent for this. Neither of us have been around there much."

"…How long do you have that baby for?" Patty asked skeptically.

"Just for the day."

Erin wondered how Holtzmann would do with kids. She seemed like she would be a lot of fun for a kid to be around, but also Erin didn't quite trust Holtzmann with the responsibility of a child. Like the fun lesbian aunt.

"What if we have to go on a call?" Erin asked. She knew Holtzmann technically wasn't going on ghost calls right now, she didn't want to leave Holtz alone with the baby.

"We're not going on calls." Abby said solemnly.

"Why not?"

Patty spoke up, "Because we aren't plugging in our phone line."

"What?"

"That video. It stirred up even more crap." Patty said.

Erin wanted to punch Abby. She briefly stepped towards Abby instinctively with her fist up, actually ready to punch her, but she stopped herself.

Abby flinched away and put her hands up. Patty stepped in between them, and Holtzmann casually trotted off into the other room to avoid the impending fight.

Erin watched Holtzmann leave, then she let out a huff and looked back at Abby. "Thanks a fuckin' lot." She said, aware of how immature she sounded. To top it off, she gave Abby a small shove.

Abby straightened her shirt. "Guess this is a bad time to tell her our plan, huh Patty?" She led.

"Don't do that." Erin sneered.

"Do what?"

"Lead me into asking you a question."

"I wasn't leading you into anything."

"You left an open-ended question, about a "plan""

"Well it's not a plan anymore if we can't get along."

"Why not?"

"… Nevermind."

"Stop doing that!"

"You two fight like sisters." Patty said.

"Just tell me." Erin gave in.

"I was thinking we should all live here, in headquarters." Abby said. "The mayor wants us to be a 24-hour emergency service once we start taking calls again. We have the entire third floor as living space, plus commuting is a pain."

"No. We're not living together." Erin said.

"Think about it."

"No! That's stupid! I like having my own place."

"Do whatever you want, but the rest of us thought this was a pretty good idea."

"What do you mean, the rest of us?"

"Patty, Holtzmann, and me. We decided we're living here. Holtzy and I practically already do live here, since we're always staying overnight working on equipment."

"Holtzmann lives with me most of the time."

"And where do you think she goes when she doesn't?" Abby put her hands on her hips, like they were parents arguing over their child.

"Her apartment."

"You sound very sure of that. And knowing Holtzmann, I would assume that she hasn't mentioned the downsides of living in a cheap apartment that she shares with an extremely shady man."

"What are you talking about?"

"She usually doesn't go home, Erin. She used to sleep in the lab at the Higgins Institute six days out of the week. She had most of her clothes and belongings there. That apartment is a terrible deal for her. Do you know how many people her roommate has given the key to? Do you know how many people are frequently in and out of there? That's why it's so clean, because she has to keep her stuff literally locked away."

Erin stopped to think about this for a moment instead of her gut reaction which was just to fight Abby back. "She hasn't told me that."

"There's probably a lot she hasn't told you. She's so happy around you, she probably doesn't want to bring it up."

Erin thought about Holtzmann crying on her bathroom floor this morning. She tried to remember what started that.

It was because Erin was looking at her clothed body. Clothed. The fact that the young engineer was THAT insecure broke Erin's heart.

Erin had to give her credit, the blond was damn good at hiding that insecurity around virtually everyone.

"I'll be right back." Erin muttered to herself, walking out in the direction Holtzmann and the baby had gone.

She walked up the stairs and through a wide doorway, to find Holtzmann standing at a window, her finger on the glass and the baby on her hip. She was saying something softly to the baby.

Erin quietly got closer to hear what Holtz was telling the child.

Holtzmann spoke very softly, pointing to the street below, touching her finger to the glass. "And that's a flower shop across the street. it smells wonderful, but after I started going there, they invented a rule about sniffing-without-buying. it's bullshit. Sorry, is it okay if I curse? That's a man peeing on a fence, see? That red thing is a stop sign. I treat that one as optional. And behind us is my not-so-sneaky girlfriend, trying to listen to us." Holtz said without turning around.

"Oh. I see." Erin said. "Don't curse around the kid."

"She has a name."

"What is it?"

"…I don't remember. I'm gonna call you Pam." Holtz said to the baby.

"You don't know the baby's name!"

Holtz finally turned around and just looked at Erin for a second, before breaking out into a big smile, her upper teeth biting her bottom lip happily. "It's Pam." She said.

Erin let out a small laugh, too. "You'd be a great momma." She said, then instantly realized she shouldn't joke about having kids around her partner.

"I am a momma." Holtz said.

Erin suddenly felt winded. "Wh-at?"

Holtz looked up, startled, realizing with a pang of shame what Erin must be thinking. "To cats." She clarified quickly. "I'm a momma to cats."

"Oh."

The blond turned back to the window, already ashamed of herself and this conversation had barely started. She held the baby closer against her, as if it were an innocence she could never quite obtain but still had to protect. She started to tear up.

"Hey, um," Erin started, walking up behind her girlfriend. The baby was looking at her, but Holtz wasn't. "Remember… when I said that, um, my house growing up was dangerous?"

Holtz looked up at Erin with trusting, clear blue eyes. She nodded.

"Well, of course there are plenty of other reasons for a house to be dangerous. And I want you to know that, if you were in a similar situation… under different circumstances of course…" She wished Holtz would cut her off and tell her to get to the point, but she realized Holtzy would never interrupt her when she's talking about her brother. Erin sighed. "The point is—"

Holtz raised her eyebrows.

"Abby told me that it's not safe for you in your own apartment. I know what that's like and I know it's not an easy escape to just leave for a while. You know you can stay at my house any time, right? I'll make you a key, and…" Erin hesitated, worried she was overstepping what they had. "I… if your apartment is dangerous, and full of strangers, you shouldn't be there. I want you to stay with me for a while. Move all your stuff and… and… and move in with me."

Silence hung in the air. Holtz didn't answer, but she teared up a little more.

A tidal wave of negative thoughts hit her hard, and she felt her chest get tight. There's no way she could possibly explain to Erin why she needed a certain amount of alone time, why the chaos of strangers comforted her, and how she needed a certain level of danger and unpredictability in her life. It kept real issues in perspective. Still relying on that fight-or-flight instinct forced her to worry about basic survival, and kept her a safe distance from politics or any complicated social issue that would just hurt her brain.

She wanted to explain all this to Erin, but she was still trying to figure it out herself. Realizing that she wasn't cut out for extended human contact made her head spin.

Holtzmann let out a little wheeze, realizing that her chest pain wasn't just in her head, and it was becoming harder to breathe.

"Jillian?" Erin put a hand on her shoulder as the smaller woman started to hunch over. Erin instinctively took the baby from Holtz's arms, then turned her attention back to her girlfriend. "Jillian? Hey, it's okay, I totally get it. Don't worry about it. Forget I asked, really."

But Holtz barely heard any of that in the midst of her internal struggle realizing that she could never commit to another person and therefore would probably end up alone. She fucked up her entire life by getting into that stupid man's car seventeen years ago.

"Do you need me to call an ambulance?" The words were unsure coming out of Erin's mouth. No feedback from Holtz whatsoever had given her no clue as to how serious this was.

She swallowed hard. "I'm okay." She leaned back into the brick wall for support. "I'm sorry. It's not you."

"I know." Erin said. "…I get it." She took a deep breath. "Jillian, please understand one thing for me, okay? Just hear me out."

"What." Holtz whispered, eyes on the ground and tears making her eyelashes glisten in the windowlight.

"It's not you either."

Holtz weakly pushed herself off the wall and pressed her face into Erin's shoulder. Erin held her with her free arm while the young engineer cried. She cried because she knew, or at least she strongly believed, that Erin was wrong.

~/~


	20. Night

**a/n Sorry about the short chapter. I have much more written but I just need a piece to tie it together. 2 weeks and I'll be done with finals so I can focus on this, also I officially enrolled in an online course with Second City for comedy sketch writing. And a course at my home college for storyboarding. So I won't be completely free to write fanfic. But it will definitely happen.**  
 **Should i end this story soon? And maybe start a sequel? I can't imagine stopping it but I feel like it's getting long and people are losing interest.**

"Hey Holtz?" Erin rolled over to face her girlfriend in the bed. Erin had been trying to fall asleep but Holtzmann still had the TV on.

Holtzmann was pretending to be asleep.

"Jillian."

"What?" She opened her eyes, clearly very awake.

Erin adjusted herself. "I wanted to talk."

Holtz got excited over little things like this. The little moments she got to spend with Erin. Even just talking. It made her happy. "Whatsup?"

"What's your real name?" Erin remembered Spencer on the phone this morning. He had called Erin something else, but she forgot what it was.

"…Why?"

"I just wanna know."

"I prefer you call me Holtzmann. Or Holtz. Or Jillian. Or "Hot Stuff". Or just call me." She winked.

Erin smiled. "I was curious. I'm gonna find out sooner or later, once Spencer and your Dad move here. They'll probably slip up once or twice."

"Fair." Holtzmann said. She stretched her arms behind her head. "You wouldn't like it. It's more of an old person's name. Very old-fashioned."

"Well Erin is kind of old-fashioned."

"I mean, like, it's pretty out of date now. It's like a grandma's name."

"So what is it?"

Holtz hesitated.

Erin kissed her bare shoulder gently. "Do you not wanna tell me, babe?"

"Mavis."

"…Mavis." Erin tried it. "I think that's a really cute name. Mavis. Andrews. I like it. It fits you."

"A grandmas name?"

"No, unique. Feminine but in a subtle way. Strong. It's very you."

"You're putting a lot of interpretation into my grandma's name that was misheard at Ellis Island and turned into Mavis."

Erin laughed. "What was it before?"

"Martis, I think? No one's really sure."

"Well. I like Mavis. It fits you."

"Just don't tell Abby and Patty, please. And don't call me that."

"Don't worry. I already have enough names for you, Holtz. Jillian."

"You forgot "Sexy""

"I was getting to that."

Holtz suddenly swung her leg over and sat up, straddling Erin's waist. "Remind me again why you call me that?" She started kissing Erin's neck.

"Oh!" Erin was completely surprised. She thought the blonde was still recovering from yesterday morning's episode. "Are you okay?"

"Don't bring that up, please." Holtz mumbled into Erin's skin. She pulled away to catch Erin's eyes sympathetically.

"Hey, don't worry about it." Erin reached to brush Holtzy's hair behind her ear, like a cliché, but it was all still tucked, so she just brushed her fingers against Holtzy's cheek.

Holtz huffed out a defeated sigh, sliding off of Erin and flopping onto her back. "I can't win." Her voice cracked.

Erin sat up this time, concerned. "Jillian, what are you talking about?"

Holtz rubbed her eyes. "If I keep freaking out on you like that without ever telling you why, it's… it's gonna destroy what we have. And if I DO talk about it, I…" her voice cracked and her chest shuddered with light sobs, "then I feel like shit and I _hate_ myself… I don't want you to know what happened, but how can I know if talking about it will make me better if I never talk about it?"

"Talk to me about it." Erin said, adjusting so she was facing Holtzmann. She decided maybe if she took charge, sounded more sure, that would give Holtz the push she needed to finally talk about it. Erin was certain Holtz would feel better after talking to someone. "I love you. And I will no matter what, baby. I'm positive talking to me will help you."

Holtz sniffed and relaxed a little into Erin's arms. "I wouldn't even know where to fucking start."

"Start from wherever you want."

Holtz was quiet for a long time, thinking. Finally, she said, "Have you ever seen someone get killed?"

Erin hesitated. "Yes." She answered truthfully.

Holtz wasn't expecting that. She jolted a little and looked at Erin with concern. "Really?"

"It's not important right now. I want to hear your story."

The engineer forced herself to push Erin's comment aside for now. "Okay. Well, I have. I can't be sure how many times. Slowly, quickly, people I care about, people I hate, people who were just in the wrong place… But… remember you asked if I had "made love" before, and I said that I have?"

Erin wasn't sure if she was supposed to answer that, so she just nodded.

"Well… she died. And I was the only one there. And it's… a large part my fault. And… I don't think I've ever said that to anyone, out loud." Holtzmann was twisting her fingers together under the sheets nervously.

Although Erin doubted that it was really Holtz's fault, she knew better than to just jump right in saying it wasn't without knowing the story. "You have more to say, I can tell." She urged gently.

Holtz was looking away. "I loved her. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I don't know why… why I told you that."

Erin could almost feel her slipping away, like she wanted to retreat to the bathroom again and cry.

"Why are you apologizing?" Erin asked gently. "You didn't offend me. It's not like you can only love one person in your entire lifetime."

"I love you." Holtz assured her.

"I know that." Erin replied. "Look, Jillian. My mother remarried, after my dad passed away. It doesn't mean she didn't love him, and it doesn't mean she doesn't love her current husband. Can you imagine how fragile life would be if you could only love one person, and if you lost them you'd lose love forever?"

Holtzmann had no words for how much she appreciated those words, so she just hugged Erin closer.

But Erin could still feel that Holtz was tense, and shaking a little bit, like she wanted to cry but it just wasn't there.

"Tell me about her."

Holtz looked startled. "Wh- what?"

"Tell me about her. I don't want you to think that you have to bury your past around me, and it sounds like she was a large part of it. Trust me, it helped my mom and my step-dad. Just tell me what she was like." Erin was afraid this might be pressing too far, like they weren't serious enough for this. But she looked down at herself and Holtz, snuggled together in one collective lump under a thick blanket, Holtz in just her underwear and a t-shirt, holding each other. Admitting their love for one another. Knowing that this is probably the woman she wants to spend her life with. How much more serious do they need to be?

"Like… like what?"

"What was her name?"

Holtz pictured Sivan, whom she almost always referred to as "Seven". "It was a Hebrew name." Holtz said. "She was middle-eastern. I think her parents were from Yemen."

"She was taken as well?"

"…yeah."

"From Yemen?"

"No, from Maryland."

It was such a contrast Erin almost wanted to laugh.

"We were bought by the same person when we were 19. And we mostly stuck together, for the better part of 7 years. Lucky Seven. Can we not talk about this anymore? For tonight?"

"Of course." Erin rubbed her shoulder.

"I was gonna ask something else but... Oh god. It was your brother, wasn't it?" Holtz said.

"…What was my brother?"

"The person you saw get killed."

Erin pinched part of the blanket between her thumb and forefinger. She ran her thumb across the smooth fabric. "Yeah." She confirmed. "It was my brother."

Holtz didn't know how to take this. She wanted Erin to cry on her shoulder or something but it didn't seem likely that Erin was going to do that right now. She slid down further until just the top of her head was touching the pillow, and the blanket was to her nose. She kind of wanted to disappear but she didn't want to leave Erin alone.

Erin slid down next to her, pulling the blanket over their heads. She refused to let Holtzmann slip away from her. The light from the TV bled through the pink comforter, surrounding them in a warm red light. Erin faced the blonde until their noses were touching, and they lay like that for a while, eyes closed, just breathing, unsure of what to say to each other but thankful for the company.

Quiet bliss.

 **"Saturn"- Sleeping At Last = This Scene**


	21. So Much For Anonymity

"…The Gaybusters haven't been heard from since the Elm street fire last week, while residents continue to struggle with paranormal phenomena in their homes, and around the city. Up next-"

"Haha. Gaybusters." Holtz muttered.

Erin opened her eyes tiredly to see Holtzmann's blurry elbow in her face. She reached up to rub her eyes with her fingertips but miscalculated and poked herself in the eye.

"Ow!"

"Oh, you're awake." Holtz said.

Erin rubbed her eyes, peeking her head above the blanket. She had fallen asleep completely under the comforter, with no pillow support. Holtz was sitting up next to her, watching TV.

Erin sat up as well and rubbed her neck. "What time is it?" She asked, regarding the peanut butter and jelly sandwich Holtz was eating.

"7:30"

"AM?"

"Yup."

"…Why are you eating a sandwich?"

"Why are you drooling?"

"Wha-" Erin wiped the back of her hand across her mouth. It came away wet. "Oh, fuck me." She muttered.

"Okay." Holtz agreed.

"No, not… it's because I didn't have proper pillow support." She said, trying to cover up the fact that she drooled in her sleep all the time.

Holtz was of course aware of Erin's sleep habits. She laughed softly at her girlfriend. "I'm not kissing you until you wash your face, though. And brush your teeth."

"Wow, standards." Erin muttered, sliding out of bed. She suddenly remembered what woke her up. "Wait, what's this "Gaybusters" thing?"

"I don't know. I think someone was trying to be funny. You know news anchor humor is the lowest level of comedy the human race can sustain. There was a real scientific study on that."

"No there wasn't."

"Whatever. We're the gaybusters. I kind of like it."

Erin sat on the edge of the bed, frowning at the ground. "Cool. If only being gay didn't get me fired."

Holtzmann scooted across the bed in her underwear and T-shirt, tucking the sheets around herself. "There are plenty of colleges that aren't run by homophobes. It's not like Columbia is the last place you can ever work."

"I want to work in a place with a good reputation. I want to teach kids who are going to go on to become amazing physicists who unlock the secrets to the universe. I don't want to leave the city, and you guys. Where am I supposed to go, NYU?"

"…I wouldn't worry about it." Holtz grinned.

Erin was getting irritated. "Yeah, because you never dreamed of teaching kids! You just want to build and blow stuff up!"

"Sheesh, Gilbert. You're so tense." Holtzy began to massage Erin's shoulders.

Erin instinctively elbowed Holtzy backwards using a maneuver she learned in a self-defense class.

"Ah-h!" Holtz rolled backwards on the bed, clutching her ribs.

Erin spun around and grabbed the sandwich plate off the sheets before Holtz could roll on top of it and really make a mess.

Holtz looked up at Erin through squinted eyes, probably sensitive to the morning sunlight. "Why do you hurt me?" She whispered theatrically.

"Are you okay?"

Holtz sat up and tried to rebound casually, but it was clear she was in at least a little bit of pain. She snagged the remote. "Would you relax? Watch this."

"Holtzmann, I told you, I don't think that skateboarding fails are funny."

"It's not that video. Would you just watch this? I was gonna wake you up for this but you're so cute when you're drooling." Holtz rewound the news quickly.

She pressed play after rewinding about ten minutes.

The headline read: Columbia Dean Fired Over Professor Controversy.

"What!" Erin grabbed the remote out of Holtzmann's hands and turned up the volume.

"…former Dean of Columbia University in New York has been under investigation for the past few days over a controversial audio leak recording him supposedly about to fire a professor over their sexual orientation. The Dean can be heard in the video saying, "here at Columbia, we respect traditional values. The terms "couple" and "committed relationship" are reserved for individuals in love… I don't think we understand the same definition of love.""

Holtz grabbed Erin's wrist excitedly, even though she had already seen it.

The journalist continued. "The audio was leaked from a third party, and later in the clip the professor in question can be heard resigning before the dean could fire her, although her expulsion from the University was heavily implied. The president of Columbia states that they are "looking into the matter", and "considering all sides", but he also states that "the university is a safe space for everyone. We want people from all walks of life to feel confident that they will be treated equally here at Columbia. The Dean's actions and statements do not reflect those of the university.""

Erin barely had time to put her hand over her mouth in surprise before the text cut to footage of a relatively small march in the central square of the campus. A few students were holding rainbow flags and sporting Ghostbusters logos, chanting something indiscernible.

Erin's chest swelled with pride and Holtz, just feeding off the emotion Erin was giving off, threw her arms around the physicist.

"Wait, this doesn't mean I have my job back." Erin said. "Nobody's called me." She reached for her phone on the nightstand and unlocked the screen, half expecting…"Nope. No calls."

"Erin, look at the bigger picture! This is a step forward for equality. _We are part of this movement!_ "

Erin gave a small laugh at her girlfriend's infectious enthusiasm. "Well, so much for anonymity."

Holtzmann squeezed Erin's hand, then brought it to her lips and kissed it, holding it there. Then she swung her leg over Erin and straddled her lap.

"Wait—" Erin steadied Holtz's hand against her chest. "What does this mean for you? And the people who are looking for you?"

"They're only talking about you, babe. I know some people who can keep my name out of the headlines." She winked.

"You have connections with the local news?"

"Ehhh… sure."

"Whatever. If it involves illegal hacking, I don't want to know." She released the engineer's hand and let it continue pulling her tank top off. Holtz leaned in and began kissing Erin's neck with a growing hunger.

After a few minutes of their usual foreplay, Erin decided to make her move. She wrapped her arms around Holtzy's lower back and rolled her to the side.

"…SOME FRESH COOKING TIPS TO LIVEN UP YOUR SUMMER, AND TAKE A PEEK AT OUR SUMMER WARDROBE TO KEEP YOU FEELING COOL AND LOOKING HOT! HERE WITH OUR FASHION CORRESPONDENT…"

"Ow, fuck!" Holtz shouted over the TV, frantically trying to find the remote that had just left its indent in her lower back. She dove for the mute button like an action hero while Erin covered her ears.

The silence that followed seemed to ring. Erin collapsed back into the pillows, recovering from her initial shock at the sudden TV interruption.

"Fuck you, Hoda." Holtz said at the TV.

"Are you okay?" Erin sat up again, reaching around to her girlfriend's back where she had landed on the remote.

"Babe, that move was really hot, but for the future, make sure you're not throwing me on top of something."

"Says the woman who almost laid on a sandwich ten minutes ago!"

Holtz turned off the TV. There was enough morning light coming in through the window that the room barely got any darker.

Holtzmann rubbed her back. "Please stop injuring me today."

"You want me to kiss it?"

"Just… look at it. Does it look bad?" She pulled up the right side of her shirt in the back.

"Oh shit, Jillian."

"What!?"

"We… we may need to amputate."

"Amputate what, my butt!"

Erin laughed. "There's nothing there." Her hand took the place of Holtzmann's, holding up her shirt. She eased Holtz to lay on her side and leaned in to kiss the spot. "I see nothing. You're fine."

"Oh."

"Feel better?" Erin mumbled into Holtz's skin.

"Mmh."

The physicist tried not to let her intention show, but as she kissed a line around Holtz's side and below her navel, she could sense her girlfriend catching on to where this was going.

All the while, her hands were moving over Holtzmann's body to relax her, but she couldn't tell if it was working or not. When she finally put her tongue just slightly under the band of her girlfriend's underwear, Holtz reached down and put her hand under Erin's chin, stopping her.

"Erin…"

Erin prepared herself for the rejection, but decided to act oblivious. "What?"

"…I trust you." Holtz said, then slightly lifted her hips, prompting Erin to continue.

Erin's chest filled with pride. She felt like punching a guy in the face. / _See?_ / she thought, /You _have no power over her anymore!_ / Whatever scared, beaten girl Holtz pictured herself as, clearly was not present as Erin hooked her fingers under Holtz's waistband and slid them down her legs, and she was reminded of why Holtz was hesitant to do this in the first place. It's not like she didn't want Erin between her legs. It was her self-consciousness of her scars.

Holtz grabbed a fistful of sheets and squeezed it, trying not to think of what Erin was seeing right now and what she was thinking about what she was seeing.

Erin had seen Holtz before but they were in the shower and she wasn't paying attention. Now, of course, she saw what Holtz had been hiding.

Her scars.

Truthfully, Erin noted, it wasn't much different from various marks on the rest of Holtzmann's body. She recognized the pock-shape of a few cigarette burns on her inner thigh, but didn't let herself think about any further scars. Holtz didn't want her picturing that. If she didn't know what they were from, she couldn't picture it.

The physicist looked up at the nervous rise and fall of her girlfriend's chest, her t-shirt bunched up around her ribs.

At first, Erin tried to mimic with her tongue what the engineer had done to her many times, but she grew discouraged after eliciting little reaction.

"Holtz?" Erin whispered softly. "Jillian?"

"Yeah, babe?"

"…What do I do?"

Holtzmann laughed softly, though it felt a little forced. She proceeded to give Erin verbal instructions, which kinda turned Erin on in a way she wasn't expecting.

Overall, Erin couldn't think of anything more explicitly sexual and overwhelmingly emotional than that morning with Holtzmann.

Holtz's voice was level and measured, almost strict, but the feeling of insecurity slipped out between every word. At one point, she roughly grabbed Erin's wrist and squeezed it, like she had with the sheets.

Erin remembered when they had first showered together, how aggressive and commanding Holtz had gotten before they got in the shower. Maybe it was her way of making this sex different from the abuse she's suffered. She was in charge now.

As Holtzmann finished, the physicist left kisses along her girlfriend's inner thighs, and finally crawled back up to her.

To her surprise, Holtz accepted an open-mouthed kiss, clearly not caring about the taste.

"You're amazing." Holtz said.

After a while, Erin added, "Thank you. For trusting me."

"I'm glad I did, Ghost Girl." Holtz smiled.

~/~

Less than a week later, Erin was contacted by Columbia University. Within a few weeks of that, she was back in her old lecture hall, with her old PHY 311 students.

Erin stayed in the corner of the classroom, pretending to sort papers as her particle physics students filed in. She could feel their stares on the back of her neck. As the clock struck 10, she watched the last few students take their seats and she moved nervously to the middle of the room.

"Hey, guys. So, I'm back." She said.

To her complete surprise, she was greeted with a round of applause, started by one of the football players.

"Um, thank you." She said. "I didn't think you guys missed me that much."

"You really are dating a woman." A girl in front said.

"…Yes, I really am dating a woman." Erin said, fitting her fingers together nervously.

"That's so fuckin cool." One of the football players said. Erin mentally smacked herself for always referring to them in her mind as "the football players", therefore perpetuating the stereotype.

"I was right, she is a Ghostbuster." The other one said.

"Yep." Erin straightened her blouse.

"Can we meet her?" The girl said.

"Can you meet her? Why would you wanna do that?" Erin blurted.

"She seems pretty chill."

"Yeah, she is I guess. I mean, you can meet her if you see her around somewhere. But don't like, call the Ghostbusters to get us to come over. It would be futile anyway, she's only working on the equipment now, she's not going on calls."

"What! Why not?"

"She's probably still recovering from the fire!" One of the football players said.

Erin checked her roster quickly. The football player's names were James and Noah. Good to know. "We've had people taking advantage of our services. And a lot of threats. So we're not currently going on any calls. At all. But when we do, she won't be going with us. So don't call us. Please."

"So we don't get to meet her."

"No. Actually… I was considering having her come in and give a guest lecture. What do you guys think of that?"

Erin was met with genuine enthusiasm. Apparently, she has solved the secret to getting students to like you. You just have to be gay. _Well, I can do that_ , Erin thought.

"Is she gonna talk about Ghostbusting?"

"No, she'll talk about Physics. This is a physics course."

"She knows physics?"

Erin laughed. "She's a PhD in experimental particle physics."

"Isn't that the same as you?"

"Nope. I'm theoretical particle physics."

"Is that even different?" James asked.

"Great question. Yes, it's very different, as far as career options. As a theoretical physicist, you'll work on theories and write papers and conduct research. You will essentially be the driving force behind particle physics research. My girlfr- Doctor Holtzmann, is an engineer. She applies particle physics to engineering, inventing stuff and building the things that test out my theories."

Erin borrowed a kid's notebook to see what the replacement professor had taught them while she was away.

It wasn't much.

"Well. I have my work cut out for me. I'll see who I can talk to about letting Dr. Holtzmann guest-lecture. See who still likes me here…" She mumbled.

~/~

a/n So sorry about the delay in updating. Leaving a review means I'm less likely to forget about it again! (honestly though, I've gone back to a story after years of inactivity just because someone left a review. It really makes the difference)


	22. The News

Abby walked up the steps to the second floor of the fire station to find an elder man sitting at Holtzmann's desk.

He stood up and smiled at her. "You must be Erin." He sounded delighted, holding out his hand to shake.

"You must be confused." Abby said. "Don't touch that stuff. Who let you in here?"

"I'm waiting for Doctor, um…" He pointed to the desk, the name on the tip of his tongue.

"Holtzmann?"

"Yes! I'm waiting for her. I'm surprising her. You look a little different than how she described you."

Erin walked in. "What's going on?"

"This guy's a little lost." Abby said quietly to Erin.

"No, I'm waiting for Dr. Holtzmann."

"He didn't even know her name until I said it."

"Sir, if you have a question or a ghost to report, we'd like it if you wait downstairs, please." Erin tried to make up for Abby's rudeness.

"We'd like it even more if you just called us on the phone." Abby said.

The sound of Holtzmann humming drifted up the steps, followed by a thunderous mad rush up the stairs. All three of them watched Holtzmann practically dive up the last few steps, and shut the door behind her. She caught her breath quickly, stood up, and walked over to them, continuing to hum her made-up tune.

"What are you running from?" Erin asked.

"Bee."

"Do you know this guy?" Abby asked, stepping out of the way so she could see the man.

Holtz didn't even have to say anything. The man stood up and walked over, pulling Holtz into a strong hug, which she returned.

She knew the only reason he wasn't saying anything is because he probably forgot her new name and didn't want to risk letting the old one slip out.

She stepped out of the hug. "I thought you were in Washington?" She looked at him questioningly.

"We sold the house. We're not moved out yet, but I wanted to come and visit. Which of you is Erin?" He was almost avoiding eye contact with Holtzmann.

Suddenly on the other end of the room, the toilet flushed, startling everyone. Spencer walked out, looking equally surprised at how many people had showed up since he went in.

"Oh. Uh, hi."

Patty had heard the commotion and opened the door to the stairs to see what was up.

"DON'T LET HIM IN!" Holtz shouted.

"Now who are you?" The man said.

"Don't let who in?" Erin asked.

"Everybody stop so we can figure out who is who!" Abby shouted, silencing everyone. "Holtzmann, go." She urged Holtz to introduce everyone.

"Okay," She rotated the room, pointing. "Spencer, Erin, Abby, my Dad, chair, Patty, bee, Spencer."

"This is your dad?" Erin tried to remember what she had already said to him, hoping she didn't come off as rude as she thought.

"What bee!?" Patty jumped away from the door.

Holtz watched the bee fly up into the rafters. "Gosh, I hope he doesn't nest unless he plans on paying rent."

"Wow, um, it's so nice to finally meet you, sir. I didn't know I would be meeting you today. I'm Dr. Erin Gilbert…" She trailed off, not sure how much Holtz had told him about their relationship.

"Oh, you're Erin?"

"Holtzmann!" Erin called.

Holtz brought her attention back to earth. "What? Oh, right, sorry. Dad, this is my girlfriend Erin, Erin, this is my dad."

"Mr. Holtzmann." Patty greeted warmly. "I know that's not your real name." Patty became the first one to actually accept his handshake after all this confusion.

"Hey, Holtz, can I talk to you for a second?" Erin, though excited to meet her girlfriend's dad, was getting pretty anxious about the whole thing.

"Sure." Holtz led her to the laundry room on the same floor and shut the door.

"You didn't tell me I would be meeting your dad today." Erin accused. "Abby and I almost kicked him out!"

"I didn't know he was gonna be here!"

"He just "showed up" randomly from across the country?" Erin folded her arms.

"Why are you assuming I kept something from you? If I had known he would be here, I wouldn't be wearing half a janitor's suit with motor oil stains!" Holtz gestured to her gray janitor's jumpsuit, unzipped halfway and the arms tied around her waist. There were motor oil smudges on her white t-shirt, arms, and even one on her cheek from being in the garage all day making "upgrades" to Kevin's motorcycle. "You really think I wouldn't tell you when you were gonna meet my dad?"

Erin realized her mistake. Though she did take a minute to appreciate how hot this messy look was on Holtz. "Why is he here, then?"

"He said he just wanted to "visit", I don't— what are you doing?"

Erin licked her thumb and tried to wipe the black smudge off Holtz's cheek. It looked kinda dorky, like she had been eating something and missed. "You have smudges everywhere."

"Really? Oh god, how embarrassing."

"It's your dad, Holtz. He changed your diapers, there's no reason to be embarrassed." Admittedly, Erin left the faint smudge on Holtzy's forehead alone, because it completed the hot mechanic look.

"I don't know why he's just "visiting", I honestly thought he was supposed to be spending time with—"

Erin could almost hear the moment Holtz's heart sank, and felt a cold wave of realization rush through her bloodstream.

"No."

"You don't think—" Erin started.

Holtz leaned her elbow on the dryer and put her face into her hand, further spreading the motor oil as she rubbed her forehead.

"Holtz you don't know for sure why he's here—"

"Yes I do."

Erin tried to think of something to say, but all evidence pointed to Holtzy being correct on this one. "Holtz?" She leaned on the dryer as well, trying to look at Holtzy's face under her hand.

"She's dead. I know it."

Erin gently lifted the amber goggles off Holtzy's eyes and rested them on her head.

Holtz rubbed at her eyes but there was no sign of tears.

"…Are you okay?" She asked in almost a whisper.

"Yeah… yeah. I'll think about it later. They're waiting for us." She tried to walk past Erin but Erin grabbed her arm gently.

"Wait. Are you sure you're okay?"

Holtz bit her lip, thinking of the last time she saw her mother almost 2 months ago, confused, weak, uncomfortable, and worn out. A far, far cry from the independent, scientific woman Holtz remembered.

Honestly, it hurt Holtzy's brain to think that she had gone on nearly 2 more months like that, every day, every hour.

In the time between Holtz's visit and now, Erin had lost her job and got it back again, Holtz nearly died in a fire, was admitted to the hospital and released, became practically an LGBT icon, became the victims of a hate crime, and started a political movement. In that same time, her mother had just laid in bed, day after day, probably in constant pain and discomfort, growing continually more oblivious to reality…

Holtz forced herself to stop thinking. Whatever her mother had been doing for the past 2 months, it's probably better that she's not doing it anymore.

She gave a small nod and continued past Erin.

"Hey,"

Holtz turned. "What?"

"I love you." Erin took her hand and stroked the back of it with her thumb.

They walked out of the laundry room, hand in hand. Spencer had joined the rest of the group. Holtz tried not to read his expression.

"Where are you guys staying?" Erin asked, hoping they hadn't planned on staying at Holtz's place, which basically meant Erin's place.

"I got an apartment on East 48th now." Spencer said. "We're here to do some house hunting."

"We're going to find me a quieter place on Long Island." his dad said, gesturing to the traffic out the windows and the city noise around them.

This was the first time Erin ever thought about having in-laws. It was pretty exciting. Just as the Ghostbusters made Holtzmann feel like she had a real family, Erin now started to feel like part of a family. The Andrews. Once she had Holtz meet her mom, would they be like a real, whole family?

"That's great, Dad. We should do dinner." Holtz said.

"That does sound good…" He said, though he looked anxious.

Spencer stepped in and said quietly to Abby, Patty, and Erin, "Hey, could you guys maybe give us a minute?"

"Absolutely." Erin said quickly, though Abby and Patty were confused. Erin led them away and down the stairs before they could question anything.

Abby picked up her frozen smoothie she had forgotten about. It left a wet condensation stain on Patty's desk. Erin watched them bicker, though she couldn't get her mind off of what was probably happening upstairs.

Abby finally noticed Erin and frowned. "Why do you look grumps?"

Erin realized she had been biting her thumbnail. She took her hand away from her mouth to say quietly, "We think they have news about Holtzmann's mom."

Abby and Patty both stopped.

"Oh…" Abby started. "You think she… you think this is it?"

Erin nodded.

"Oh, man." Patty said. "What makes you say that?"

"Well, when she was in Seattle, her father basically said he wasn't going to leave until she couldn't… hold on any longer. He said he was gonna stay by her side, that's why he didn't come to New York before. "

"How is Holtzy taking it?" Patty asked.

"I don't know." Erin looked anxiously back up the stairs. "I really don't know. I mean, she didn't cry in the laundry room or anything… I just hope she's not suppressing anything. Technically, we might be completely wrong about all this. Her father could be up there right now saying something completely different, telling her—"

At that moment the door to the stairs opened, and Holtz came out. The look on her face confirmed beyond any doubt.

"Holtz—"

Her eyes said "I don't wanna talk about it", but her mouth said, "What are we doing for dinner?"

Poetic, right?

"Whatever you want." Erin blurted.

Spencer and their dad followed a few moments later. Her father's eyes were ringed with redness, and Spencer had his hands jammed in his pockets.

"I don't know." Holtzmann said. "Fellas, any dinner preferences?"

"Whatever Dad wants." Spencer said at the same time their father said,

"I'm not hungry."

There was a moment of awkward silence, before Holtzmann said, "Sushi it is, then." She clapped her hands together and broke into an out-of-place grin. "I'll go find the takeout menu."

"I'll help!" Erin said quickly, following hot on Holtz's heels.

Once around the corner, however, Holtz didn't head towards the kitchenette where they kept the menus, she ducked into the bathroom.

As soon as the door fell shut behind Erin, Holtz turned around and practically rammed herself into Erin, burying her head into her shoulder and shaking softly.

"Shhh…. Shhh…" Erin rocked her gently and rubbed smooth, solid circles on her back.

The only sound Holtz let out was a soft sniffle that became one uncontrollable gasp that broke Erin's heart.

"You're okay, you're okay." Erin whispered without thinking about it, almost as a reflex. She continued whispering soft words into the wisps of blond hair tickling her nose and smelling of mechanical grease and peach shampoo.

"Why didn't I go home, Erin?" Holtzmann practically sobbed, muffled by Erin's flannel shirt. "Why didn't I just go home?"

~/~


	23. Nightmares

"Are you okay, sweetheart?"

Holtzmann frowned over the rim of her beer bottle, then nodded. She was confused because everyone seemed really concerned for her, but she also felt like she didn't deserve it. Her mother may as well have been dead for the last 17 years and Holtz almost would have never known.

But before, she always had the option of going home, any time she wanted.

This was eating her inside more than she expected it to.

Her father shot a concerned glance at Erin. The four of them – including Spencer – were in a booth in the back of a relatively quiet bar.

Erin looked down at her girlfriend, realizing she should know more how to deal with this version of Holtz than they should. She covered Holtzmann's hand with her own. "You wanna talk about it, babe?"

"With all of you?"

"Well… did you want to talk to just me? Or just them?"

Holtzmann let out an almost comically quick huff, then raised the glass back to her lips. She never did well with serious situations, usually opting to turn them into a joke. But for some reason nobody seemed to want to joke about her mother's death.

"What is there to talk about?" She furrowed her brow and concentrated on the tabletop. "How absent I've been?"

"Oh shut the hell up." Spencer said. "You can't really be blaming yourself right now." He had had a few drinks already.

"Who I am blaming doesn't concern you."

"The only one to blame is cancer."

"Fuck off."

"I will not."

"Alright, you two." Their father said very quietly, as if he had no real interest in stopping them.

Erin was a little surprised by their language towards each other. She never really got to have a normal relationship with her brother, and she was trying to figure out if this was normal sibling behavior, or amplified by stress.

Spencer watched his sister for another minute, before saying, "Stop it!"

"Stop what!" Her hands jerked into fists.

"You're picking the skin around your fingernails. You do that when you feel guilty."

"Maybe because I am!"

"How? Fucking how?"

Holtz grabbed at her hair in frustration. "…so much more complicated than you know."

"Look: She died this morning, alright? For literally one day, can you just let that sit?"

Holtz ignored him and flicked a crumb at the wall.

Erin reached over and put her arm around Holtz's waist in support.

"We should be celebrating the life that she lived." Their father said, "Not fighting each other."

Holtzmann, still struggling to let her serious side show, pulled her head back a little bit which Erin immediately recognized as the prelude to a loud burp. Erin put her hand on Holtzy's arm quickly, and shook her head at her.

Holtz blew the breath out, disappointed.

"So um, Erin, it's so great to finally meet you. I've heard a lot about you." Mr. Andrews said.

"Oh, good things, I hope." Erin grinned.

"Nothing but. So you're a professor?"

"Yes, at Columbia University. Slow down." Erin lowered Holtz's beer away from her lips. "You don't want to get drunk."

"Why not?" Spencer said.

"You don't want to get "Holtzmann-drunk"" Erin rephrased.

Holtz nodded. "You really don't want me like that."

Despite this warning, two more beers and some light conversation later, Holtz had gotten… almost Holtzmann-drunk.

After Mr. Andrews had given Erin the whole, "I'm so glad my daughter has someone like you" spiel, Holtz had hugged Erin's arm and declared her love for Erin, pancakes, and neck kisses. The last one made Erin blush heavily.

At some point after Holtz had fallen asleep on Erin's shoulder, Erin decided it was time for them to head home.

~/~

That night, Holtzmann tossed and turned next to Erin on the bed, until she finally shook Erin awake and said she was going to sleep at home. Erin mumbled a half-conscious agreement and went back to sleep.

Erin was left in a dream, in which she was back standing outside the fire on Elm street. A few firefighters had just pulled a figure out of the 6th story window and were lowering the bucket to the ground.

Paramedics were waiting when the bucket door opened, and they pulled out a figure who slumped to the ground.

Erin already knew how this played out. They would lift Holtzmann onto the stretcher, coughing, and Erin would kiss her cheek and run her hand through her loose hair lovingly, and tell her how stupid it was to go back into the building, even though Erin knew she just saved every person within a quarter-mile radius.

But as Erin approached, the medics didn't lift her onto the stretcher. Instead. they were working on her as she lay on her back, emergency personnel surrounding her. Erin saw Holtzmann's face, darkened by soot, light blue eyes open and teary, though she was staring into space. The paramedics had cut her uniform open, and two stickers were placed on her bare chest, connected to an AED.

"I've got a shockable rhythm! Stand clear!" One of them shouted, and everybody moved an inch back.

Holtzmann's small body jolted sharply, and the paramedic put two fingers to her neck, shook his head, and began doing chest compressions.

"No, she's okay!" Erin shouted. "I've seen this part before, she's fine!" As if it were an old rerun.

Abby and Patty came and took Erin by each arm, gently leading her away, while Holtz's watery blue eyes stared at the sun, motionless.

"I'm sorry for your loss, Dr. Gilbert." Harold Filmore was saying to her from somewhere behind her. "Anything you need, you let me know."

"What a good guy, that Filmore." Someone else said.

"The Ghostbusters are putting everyone at risk. Stay tuned to find out what exactly the late Ghostbuster was trying to hide." A news reporter spoke into a camera as Erin was dragged past her.

"By the way," Jennifer Lynch matched Erin's pace walking, facing Erin as Erin continued to be dragged farther and farther away from Holtzmann. "The people of the city have decided. Ghostbusters is too dangerous. We're shutting you down. You guys should've just stayed in the Higgins basement, and Dr. Holtzmann might still be here."

Erin suddenly knew the answer, how to save Holtzmann. Holtz ALWAYS answered her phone if Erin was calling. At this point, Erin started to sort of realize it was a dream, and she KNEW that if she could just dial Holtzy's number, Holtz would pick up.

Erin yanked her arm away from Abby and pulled out her phone, dialing Holtzy. She watched Holtzmann's body on the ground, her phone lighting up in her pocket. The thin arm that had previously jolted with electric shock, now began to slightly reach for the phone all on its own.

"Yes! Holtzmann!"

But a cop noticed her phone ringing, and pulled it out of her pocket before anyone could notice Holtz reaching for it. "It's her wife" The cop said, checking the caller ID.

"Let her go!" Erin shouted, but nobody heard her. She broke free and ran back towards Holtzy, who now lay limp again. They stopped CPR, and an EMT gently pushed her eyelids closed over her watery eyes, forcing a tear out, which began to slide out the corner of Holtzy's eye, toward her ear.

Just as Erin reached her, they covered her with a white cloth, and Erin's hand closed around the empty sheet.

Erin slowly became aware of her bed again, and her pillow and blanket. She forced her eyes open, which felt glued shut by dried tears. Her hand clasped around the empty sheet next to her, where Holtzmann was supposed to be.

"Holtz!?" The panic in her own voice startled her. She sat up and looked around. It was still dark out, barely past midnight. "Holtzy?" Some part of her brain told her Holtzmann had gone home, but she couldn't shake how real that dream felt.

She gradually remembered about Holtzmann losing her mom today, how she tossed and turned trying to fall asleep next to Erin, and her fragile voice telling Erin she was going home.

After much internal struggle over whether Holtzy needed to be alone or if Erin should go check on her, Erin decided to be selfish and go check on her, just so Erin knew she was safe. She pulled on a hoodie and a pair of boy's shorts Holtz had left, and drove to Holtzy's apartment. Going completely off of memory, she went to the third floor and found Holtz's door.

Loud music pumped out from under the door, and Erin wondered if Holtz was even home. She knocked on the door a few times, until a man swung open the door.

"What?" He said.

"Does Jillian Holtzmann live here?"

"Why?"

"I'm her girlfriend. I wanted… to make sure she got home okay."

He glanced back into the hazy apartment. "She's sleeping."

Based on the loud music, Erin highly doubted that. "Can I see her?"

"I guess." He let Erin in and he stepped into the kitchen, glancing around to make sure no one was following him. Then he ducked behind a corner.

Erin walked past at least six people in the living room, and down a narrow hallway to Holtzmann's door. She knocked, got no answer, and began to panic. She tested the knob. It was locked.

Suddenly, the man who answered the door appeared behind her with a small key.

"What's that for?"

"Her door. I keep it hidden. She doesn't need any of these guys breaking into her stuff." He said in a low voice, nodding towards the living room.

Erin took a bit of comfort in the strange, protective vibe this guy gave off for Holtzmann. He unlocked the door and nudged it open slightly. Erin walked in and shut it behind her, locking it again.

Sure enough, in the darkened room surrounded by all this chaos and noise, Holtzmann lay fast asleep on the bed, snoring softly, face down with one leg tucked up under her and her arms out to the side, like a child.

Erin couldn't help the small smile that came over her. She gently climbed onto the bed behind Holtz to keep her company, settling in.

As soon as she let her weight onto the bed though, Holtz stiffened up and snapped her limbs back close to her, whimpering softly and practically cowering away from Erin.

"It's just me, Holtz." Erin said softly, before realizing Holtzmann was still asleep. "Holtzmann?"

Holtz's soft snoring had been replaced by uneven breaths, punctuated by small, almost inaudible whimpers, like a dog crying.

Erin decided to wake her up to let her know everything was ok, it was just Erin. But as she touched Holtz's shoulder, Holtzmann jolted so sharply in a way that reminded Erin of her dream. Erin snapped her hand back and saw Holtz's lips move in her sleep, and she thought she heard the word "don't".

Erin backed off the bed, afraid she had just terrorized her girlfriend's sleep after it had been so hard to fall asleep earlier.

As soon as Erin's weight was off the bed, Holtz visibly relaxed. Erin swallowed tightly, feeling guilty. She took a few steps backwards from the bed.

She glanced at the door. There was no way she was leaving Holtz with all these strangers in her apartment, even though she fought the idea that this was fairly commonplace.

She opened the closet and found an extra blanket that smelled of Holtzmann, and laid it out on the floor. She snagged a pillow Holtz wasn't using and curled up on the floor next to Holtzmann's bed.

The loud music gave way to muted voices, and Erin fell asleep to the rhythm of her girlfriend's breathing.

~/~

Morning light seeped into Erin's consciousness, and as she shifted slightly to stretch, she was greeted with an urgent tapping and pattering on the floor next to her.

"Wha-?" She sat up quickly, coming almost face-to-face with Holtzmann, who was laying over the edge of her bed looking down at Erin. "What are you doing?"

"I could ask you the same thing." Holtz said casually, placing a Skittle into her mouth from the bag she was holding.

Erin looked around to find Skittles all over the floor. "Why am I surrounded by Skittles?"

"…I can't ask the same thing."

"What are you doing?"

"I woke up, and you were on my floor. So I got some Skittles and started placing them on you while you were sleeping."

Erin couldn't process this. "What?"

"Why ya on my floor, hot stuff?"

Erin tried to remember the events of yesterday. "Holtz… are you okay? Your mom…"

"I know." Holtz rolled back onto the bed.

Erin got up, shaking any remaining Skittles onto the floor, and curled up next to Holtzmann on the bed, glad for the relief on her back.

Holtz flinched away from her and tensed up.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Bad dream. It happens."

Erin immediately recognized herself as the cause of this dream, recalling Holtzmann's reaction to her weight on the bed last night.

Erin kissed the engineer's head softly. "I'm sorry, babe." She whispered.

Holtzmann lifted her head to Erin's lips for a kiss.

"So this is your bedroom, huh?" Erin had been to the apartment before, but never in the room.

"What? Oh, yep." Holtz was too distracted kissing her, trying to coax Erin into some morning sex.

"You okay?"

"Yeah. Like I said, bad dream."

"What does that have to do with-"

"I need your touch." Holtz stopped, looking straight into Erin's eyes, as if admitting something personal.

"Because of your dream?" Erin gently brushed some stray blond wisps behind Holtz's ear.

"I need it to be you."

Erin understood. "Of course, babe. Any way I can help."

"You can help by being your normal hot self and taking that shirt off." Holtz said, already pushing the shirt up Erin's chest.

Erin moaned softly at Holtz's fingers on her stomach, and gladly helped her get the shirt off.

Holtz rolled herself over so Erin was on top, forcing Erin to take the lead.

Just as Erin was getting comfortable with being in control, there was a loud knock at the door, making her jump.

"Come in." Holtzy said.

Erin had just enough time to whisper "What!?" and roll halfway off Holtz and pull the blanket over her chest before the lock turned and the door opened.

Her roommate opened the door wide, and Erin tried to imagine what he must be seeing.

Erin, barely covering her chest with one leg over Holtzy's legs, and Holtz, shirt pushed up to her armpits and boxers pulled about five inches lower than they should be, completely exposed, and not even caring. Erin threw part of the blanket over Holtzmann to try and cover her. It half-worked.

To be fair, it didn't look like her roommate really cared, either. "Oh." He said, casually munching on a bagel. "Just making sure it really was your girlfriend I let in last night. Didn't wanna wake up to find you murdered or anything."

"Yeppers, thanks Daryl."

"Welcome." He pulled the door shut.

Erin pulled the blanket back off Holtz and straddled her again, almost protectively. Although she did let herself appreciate how hot this clothes-on-but-still-exposed look was. "What the hell was that!? Why did you say "come in?""

"Were we hiding?"

"I'M NAKED!"

"He doesn't care."

"Jillian Holtzmann! I care!"

"Oh. I'm sorry." She sounded like she really meant it. "You don't have to be shy, babe. You're beautiful."

"That's not the point, Holtz. This is for your eyes only."

"I'm sorry."

Erin got off of her, feeling a post-adrenaline embarrassment creep in. She covered herself with Holtz's blanket and reached for her shirt.

"Where are you going?"

"I can't do this here, Holtz. What if someone else walks in?"

"Nobody else lives here. The door is locked."

"Well what if you tell them to "come in" again?"

"…I'm sorry. I didn't know it would upset you. Please, Erin. I still need it." She wiggled her bare hips. "You're not gonna leave me like this, are you?"

"I'm not really in the mood anymore, Holtz."

Holtzmann sank back into her pillows, bringing her arms across her chest. "Will you at least… face me?"

Erin stayed with her back turned to Holtz, trying to recover from her embarrassment.

A few minutes later, Erin felt Holtz reach for something on the other side of the bed, shaking the bed a little. She waited for the shaking to stop, but it didn't, and she began to grow frustrated. She rolled over quickly. "Will you stop—"

Holtz had been crying. That's what the shaking was. "Holtzmann! What's wrong?" Erin realized she had kinda just given the cold shoulder to someone who lost their mom yesterday, and felt guilt that was worse than the embarrassment. "Jillian. I'm sorry, baby. It's okay, I'm not really mad. I'm sorry."

The engineer took a shuddering sigh, and Erin realized she had been crying a lot harder than she thought. Holtz held Erin's hand and put it on her stomach, covering her hand with her own. "That's all I need." She said. "I need to know that it's you."

"That what's me?"

Holtz just sighed, blinking away tears.

Erin laid down next to her, snuggling close. "Do you wanna talk about your dream?"

"No," the engineer said quickly, her voice cracking. "I just wanna make it go away."

Erin kissed her, if anything just to make her bottom lip stop shaking. She covered Holtzmann's body with her own, protectively, and whispered, "It's me. It'll always be me."

~/~

A/N Erin's dream came from this guy I was doing CPR on the other day, and his phone started ringing in his pocket. It was his wife, calling from home. He was a professor on vacation. He didn't make it, but we couldn't tell her that.


End file.
